Life at the bottom: Ain’t That Swell’s Vaughan Blakey and Jed Smith redefine Burleigh Heads Single Fin Classic!

Like white linen with a fine dusting of cat hair… 

It’s important, I think, to present this comedic episode alongside the oppressive guidelines Vaughan Blakey and Jedaum Smith were forced to operate under.

The pair were told,

No shots with appearance of pain or degradation.

No facials (bodyshots are OK if shot is not nasty).

No bukakke.

No spitting or saliva mouth to mouth.

No food used as sex object.

No peeing unless in a natural setting. eg. field, roadside.

No coffins.

No blindfolds.

No wax dripping.

No two dicks in/near one mouth.

No shot of stretching pussy.

No fisting.

No squirting.

Toys are OK if shot is not nasty.

No degrading dialogue, eg, “Suck this cock, bitch” etc.

And so on.

Watch: Harry Bryant in “Drama and attitude and then the cock shot!”

A rock-and-cock movie!

If you didn’t know, Harry Bryant is a twenty-four-year-old Australian with a bushy hairdo and albino moustache that twinkle like glitter on a burlesque dancer’s corset.

This film, Bio Haz, shows little Harry flying like a hummingbird, deftly and delicately. It was shot over the course of one year as Harry travelled with girl Kayla and dog Baz along the surfable Australian coastline.

Shit got rigorous, as they say, in the north-west.

There is recklessness, too, and drama and attitude.

Like being rimmed by a trannie who might be your uncle.

Thrill to Israeli Olympian Eithan Osborne in the very short film “The Luck to be Ugly”!

The very best surfer in all of Israel!

Eithan Osborne is a surfer, and also an Israeli Olympian, and he is from Ventura, California.

Two months ago, his goyim friend, Dane Reynolds, made the movie, The Happiest Jew in Ventura with Eithan as the film’s protagonist. Today we see Eithan, who, with his very short, very blonde hair and love of wearing slacks is often mistaken for a woman in her fifties, in the very short film, Shit Waves.

The little edit appeals to me because, honestly, when was the last time I surfed waves this good or with such sudden, almost masculine, movements?

Dane Reynolds fires broadside against mid-length aficionados: “If you ever see me on a set at Rincon throwing my arms in the air on a 7’6 single fin feel free to burn me!”

"Some day I’ll have to hang it up. Stop forcing my fossilized body to pump and thrash and relax into a more soulful manner of riding waves." Not today.

If the World Surf League represents the VAL apocalypse, the mid-lengthers, the murfers, and so on, then it follows, I think, that Dane Reynolds is the last bulwark of a sport in the grip of its darkest enemy.

Last year, Reynolds, who is thirty-five, returned to the vlog game with Chapter 11 TV, a reboot of Marine Layer Productions, which was shuttered three years ago. 

In a manifesto published at its launch, Reynolds wrote,

I got excited to start Chapter 11 TV in January when I was surfing a lot and feeling pretty good about it and getting inspired by the new generation of local surfers. I miss making surf videos despite the preposterousness of the pursuit.

Things have changed for everyone since January and for me has slowed the development of the site but i’m still excited and ambitious. I’m going to try and keep the bar low and get videos out rather than dwell on what’s worthy.

There’s no real concept or criteria for Chapter 11 TV, Surfing means different things to different people, I’m just trying to convey our version of it.

From my experience the less you expect the less you get disappointed.

Today, we are gifted episode seven, Not Today and, as always, Reynolds colours in the clip with a passage of writing filled with his deceptively simple observations. The Lou Reed song, Wrap Your Troubles in Dreams, and performed by Nico, anchors the short, proving that even in the darkest crannies, in this case the destruction of a once-great sub-culture, there can be light.

Reynolds writes,

Sometimes I feel ridiculous driving around checking waves. Checking swell forecast. Checking wind. Checking tide. Rubbing elbows with groms trying to catch a wave to do a trick with someone standing on the beach with a camera to record it.

Some day I’ll have to hang it up. Stop forcing my fossilized body to pump and thrash and relax into a more soulful manner of riding waves. Maybe buy an old van and burn some sage. Get resin tints and grow a pony tail and wrap it in a bun. Switch to craft beer. Hang up the thruster and glide in from out the back on a 7’6 single fin. I’ll put my arms in the air when I reach the crest of every gently peeling wave.

But not today. The waves are shit and onshore. After I write this I’m going to clean the wax off my 5’9 square tail epoxy and call Matt to see what he’s doing. He probably won’t pick up. He’ll probably call me back in about 5 minutes and I’ll ask him if he’s seen the ocean and he’ll say no he had a few things he had to take care of but he was thinking about going look at the wood. I’ll say I was thinking the same. I’ve got a sore knee so I’ll roll on a foam thing for like 2 minutes before I get distracted. I’ll hop in my car and head south with a Howard Stern re-run playing from my radio at maximum volume. If it’s a stupid episode I’ll listen to Royal Dog Shit for the 1000th time.

When I pull up Matt will be on his phone. When he gets off his phone he’ll say he’s seen a few. I’ll say yeah looks fun enough for a surf and after all, If it’s shitty we’ll come in. Then we’ll suit up, I’ll ask him how his bitcoin trading is going. He’ll say ‘awwww man not so hot’ and I’ll laugh at his misfortune. The waves will be average but I’ll be able to hit the lip a few times and maybe do an air reverse. Matt will pearl going straight at least once and i will yell “I can’t believe you are still riding that board!” I’ll be happy I surfed. The waves could be good soon and I’ve got a new 6’0 with glass ons that I’m excited to ride.

And for the record. If you ever see me on a set at Rincon throwing my arms in the air on a 7’6 single fin feel free to burn me…

CH | 11 | TV | 007 from CHAPTER 11 TV on Vimeo.

Hair-raising: Gladiator Mason Ho’s extraordinary going-ons at heaviest reef yet!

The obsessive pursuit of the masterpiece.

How many times have we seen Mason Ho, the thirty two year old from Sunset Beach, clinging to his flying trapeze, every fibre of his skin at breaking point?

And while trying to postpone the inevitable fall, giving an impression of ease and grace?

This is the artist’s compulsion, the obsessive pursuit of the masterpiece.

In this latest episode of Mason’s adventures on Oahu, we are transported to a relatively remote reef that twists into a diabolical snarl immediately after the takeoff. Forbidden ground for most.

Mason persists.

A hand-plant results in many sea urchins.

The moment of triumph comes shortly after.