"Holy shit, what the hell!" says Nathan.

Sexy Only Fans star and powerlifter dubbed “world’s smartest surfer” releases barely fathomable POV footage of an Irish big-wave session even he describes as “unrideable” and the wipeouts “hectic!”

Derek Rielly

By

Grotesque, but hypnotizing!"

In the dying light of a winter’s afternoon in County Clare, Ireland, we find Nathan Florence, the Only Fans star and brother of US Olympian John John, challenging the noted Irish big-wave Rileys.

Florence, who is a twenty-eight-year-old married powerlifter, says he “rode barely any waves” and that the sets were only useable via jetski assist.

“Towing was Russell Bierke, Conor Maguire and Ollie O’Flaherty. They were absolutely sending it. They did offer me the rope if you were wondering, I declined to tow, just wasn’t feeling it. Almost no waves were made so just made a decision to not push at this time, sometimes gotta listen to the gut!”

Yeah, this short is eleven minutes of waiting for something to happen, but the POV angle during these sessions is a favourite theatrical genre of mine.

Vicious, delicious and horrifying.

The sort of wave that will render a man insensible. John John Florence throws himself to the wolves while brother Nathan observes with infinite amusement.

World’s best surfer John John Florence poised on the brink of catastrophe as he delivers a masterclass in the art of riding impossible waves in new short, “Shades of Death!”

Derek Rielly

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A horrible and magnificent spectacle…

As the oldest sibling in the Florence triumvirate, John John would always jump out of bed first, his heart beating fast and his mouth wet with the desire to do good.

He is a driven man and at twenty-nine and with two world titles strapped around his waist, the self-confessed “prisoner of danger” can lay claim to being the best surfer in the world.

In this short edit, John John and friends, including his brother Nathan and tour strongman Zeke Lau, we see the most heroic style of surfing, where the viewer can only look on at this horrible and magnificent spectacle with the feeling of our absolute helplessness to render any assistance.

Essential. 

"My friend Toby and I were at Neverland one night, standing at the top of a staircase, and this old lady was yelling at us, 'I’ve fucked boys half your age,' poking us and stuff. We handed her a beer, she chugged the whole thing and went ass-over down the stairwell. She got so squished, it was heavy."

Reclusive surf prodigy who turned his back on stardom releases full-length feature pundits are calling the Best Surf Movie of 2022, “So beautiful and fat and prosperous! A mini-masterpiece!”

Derek Rielly

By

The dangerous boy you don’t bring home to Mama!

Most surfer edits are like very bad coffee. They taste like boiled rags and they make you angry for stealing your time and your hope.

This thirty-minute feature of Noa Deane, the twenty-eight-year-old surf virtuoso who cried for three days following the backlash to a WSL joke and who beat John John Florence at ten-foot Pipeline, shows why he is still the hottest surfer in Australia, and why he makes more than your daddy, sugar or biological.

Best out of context quote,

“My friend Toby and I were at Neverland one night, standing at the top of a staircase, and this old lady was yelling at us, ‘I’ve fucked boys half your age,’ poking us and stuff. We handed her a beer, she chugged the whole thing and went ass-over down the stairwell. She got so squished, it was heavy.”



A world-first maybe!

BIPOC surfing role model Mason Ho stuns world with first-ever backwards-inside-the-tube flash footage, “A lesson in how to tell a story with minimum frills and maximum impact!”

Derek Rielly

By

A terrifying spectacle!

Hawaii’s whip-slicked queen of taboo and BIPOC role model Mason Ho (seventy-five percent of his ancestry is Chinese-Hawaiian, a quarter white Americano) isn’t afraid to go for the “kill shot.”

In this latest episode of a series he’s been shooting with best friend Rory Pringle for the last ten years, Ho, who is thirty-four although presents seventeen years younger, leaps and cavorts under the flaming blasts of his flash-equipped POV camera.

The backwards-inside-the-tube flash footage gifts the viewer an eerie phosphorescence effect as the flash hits the handsome face of Ho, the light speaking overhead and haloing Ho’s wooly wig for an instant.

Essental.


Dane, inset, with muse Harry Bryant.

Santa Barbara father of three described as “surfing’s rampart against the milquetoast horror of the WSL’s pandering bulls**t” dumbfounds fans with wildly experimental new film, “It’s super weird but really fun!”

Derek Rielly

By

High-gloss entertainment from the master puppeteer!

The last we heard from the former world #4 Dane Reynolds was one month ago when news broke that his Central Coast idyll had been shattered by the arrival of Travis Barker, the little drummer boy in Blink 182, a pint-sized jack-in-the-box dressed up in grown-man tattoos, and his wife, Kourtney, the third most-comely of the five Kardashian sisters.

The little town of Carpinteria was bracing itself for the arrival of paparazzi after the pair bought Conan O’Brien’s old joint on Padaro Lane there in Serena Cove.

Now, the almost-forty-year-old surfer famous for his go-for-broke style, has released a collection of B-clips from his recent full-length feature Glad You Scored.

Like most assemblages of B-clips, which are usually seen during the credits of a film, this presents as far more interesting than the original.

“Sometimes the peripheral stuff and left over clips are more entertaining than what makes it into the original project,” says Dane.

Essential.

 

Photo: Jack English
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