Watch: Mason Ho in “No prostitutes here, amigo!”

Perverted sales pitch for Lost asymmetrical surfboards… 

This short is a sales pitch for Lost’s asymmetrical surfboards, a design that’s been around even since daddy was swapping wet kisses for milkshakes and hot butterscotch fudge.

The theory is easy enough: a shorter rail on your heel side, ’cause we all tend to surf in the pocket on our backhand, and longer on your toes ’cause we can’t help ourselves and run for miles on the face.

I asked Biolos a year ago about ’em after Chas had been riding an Asym from Album Surf in San Clemente.

“It was almost too much fun,” Chas wrote. “I am getting another asymmetrical to try out because it feels like the key to me getting on the WQS as a 40-year-old man. The feel-good story of the decade! Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me I’m a dirty dirty bad boy.”

In these instances, I call either Jon Pyzel or Matt Biolos for a long-term view of any faddish design. Biolos said he’d made his first one in 1993 but had avoided because of the necessity of having boards in stock for natural footers and for goofies.

“Stores don’t want to have to double the amount of boards to cover a size range,” said the Bear Jew. “I think it’s financially daunting. Like glass-on fins are now. No one has the room to stock them although I think they could sell.”

I get the theory, I said. But are they really, as one commenter put it so eloquently, for people who like to go straight?

“Most of the ones you see these days are more about art or ‘Shock and Awe’. So it’s easy to say that and be cynical. But I believe that statement is too broad and sarcastic. It’s just that no one is really working on them in the competitive zone. The best surfing I’ve seen on them is Ryan Burch, by a mile, so you know it can be done. Someone like him could push them to more acceptance. They can actually be made far more subtle and I think make turning a bit more easy. The thing is that fringe, artsy shapers have pushed them too extreme… We can make nice functional, realistically proportioned asyms that work. Not quite the ‘Shock and Awe’ monstrosities you see hype fed on Instagram but more for function than fad.”

Documentary: Eight-year-old Cruz Dinofa in “Grown-ups either bless me or squeeze my cheeks!”

New Jersey shredder's tricked-out wonderland…

One would be have to be awfully jaded not to get a kick out of watching a skilled practitioner coaxing magic out of a surfboard, and it’s especially so when it’s a kid whose been out of the womb for only eight summers.

Cruz Dinofa, from Oceanside in New Jersey, who is eight, is a virtuoso of the sort who, if born two hundred years earlier, would’ve already written several concertos, sonatas, operas and symphonies.

In this dozen or so minutes, we see clean, unfussy hooks and the exultation of a surfer who still seems, even after all the attention, sponsors and so on, thrilled by it all.

Kid is going to leave an indelible mark on the game.

Very safe for work.

Watch: Chippa Wilson, Jay Davies + little Dion in “How sweet it is to see a man’s head cut off! The blood spurted out like a wave, like a wave!”

October in south-west France and Spain is, theoretically, a spell no man can resist…

The makers of this sub-five minute video, with its notes of late-career Kai Neville and the Argentinian Gaspar Noé, pucker their lens at three Australian who visit south-west France in October, 2018.

Jay Davies, Chippa Wilson and Dion Agius have long been Francophiles, packing their Superman pyjamas each year and chasing the honey pot of beachbreak ramps.

The film is called La Cabane, or the…cough… Cabin, who knew French could be so easy, and is made by the magazine Wasted Talent, which is based in gorgeous Hossegor.

It hits, I think, the right vibe for autumn in France: a little subdued, the colours pulled back, waves certainly not perfect, but with enough exposed velour to raise the heartbeat.

Spain, of course, is all brown and a little Third World and dirty.

No need to clutch the remote, you can watch this start to end.

Oh, and since we’re in France, I’ve always loved this quote from Guy de Maupassant about the guillotine.

“It is done. He was guillotined this morning. He made a good end, very good. It gave me infinite pleasure. How sweet it is to see a man’s head cut off! The blood spurted out like a wave, like a wave. Oh, if I could, I would have liked to have bathed in it! What intoxicating ecstasy to crouch below it, to receive it in my hair and on my face, and rise up all crimson, all crimson! Ah, if people knew!”

Redeem your soul: Watch The Best Backside Tuberiding Instructional, like, ever!

Stop banging your head on the dashboard!

Who don’t got backside tube riding skills? All of you?

Yeah, me too.

I banged my head on the dashboard of that thing for years.

On a trip to the Ments half-a-doz years ago, I sorta got it. Just had to make sure the hole was big enough so I didn’t pop my lighter and ride the falls. All previous attempts had left me seeing colours I hit the windshield that many times.

I doubt, and I guess this has something to do with the scarcity of the experience, I’ve ever felt as… good… surfing as paddling into a six-ish foot left, real smooth green face, pushing the rail into the face (the knife!), watching the lip wrap around me, and sniffing around for a little while before eating dirt.

I’ve read and watched plenty of backside tuberiding tutorials. I’ve practised in the mirror. I’ve completed five campaigns at Teahupoo and never once been barrelled. I’ve had the best in the game try and finesse my movements.

But this, this gets it right.

And guess who’s teaching?

Yeah, Jamie O, who’s so casual in barrels you expect to see a needle hanging out of his arm.

This tute, from his YouTube channel, bookends neatly the post from an hour ago where Jamie collects his blindfolded pal Poopies between his thighs and drives him through six-foot Desert Point tubes.

Watch, examine, learn.


Watch Jamie O tandem blind-folded Poopies at six-foot Desert Point!

Followed by board transfers, pantie surfing etc.

I was sitting with my kid last night. Dinner and surf clips. It’s what the divorced dad does when he’s not signing ruinous financial agreements or rubbing his thing against women with sugary chocolate on their breath and dark patches of nose hair with snot strands caught inside.

Kid likes Jamie O. I get it. I like it too. Three jokes played back and forth, year after year. But Jamie’s got something. A chubby half-Australian redhead who looks like he eats nothing but caramel corn, Cheerios and half-a-gallon of ice-cream for breakfast.

This clip, which you’ll pull the horn chain on, is a year old, maybe more.

I missed it the first time around, you probs did too.

In it, Jamie O’Brien and his squad (more than thirteen in your entourage and it becomes a platoon), fly and drive to Desert Point on Lombok in Indonesia. The waves are very good. Jamie tandem surfs blindfolded with his sidekick Sean “Poopies” McInerney

Later, he and a pal board transfer their Catch Surfs at eight-foot Deserts.

The surfing is so so solid, so absolute, you’ll be surprised at your ability to concentrate so totally on the action.

(Note: skip the first six-and-a-half minutes otherwise you’ll go crazy.)