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Blood Feud: Kelly Slater vs. Decorum!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

Surfing's greatest star wades into a PC minefield!

#Imwithhim on this one. Cheering for Kelly Slater in his fight against decorum louder than I cheered for Han Solo vs. political correctness (when I was five) or Don Cheadle vs. overused insults (yesterday).

(Die in a grease fire was a work of genius!)

And have you seen it? Kelly gave a very sweet tribute to the great Gene Wilder on his Instagram earlier today, superimposing his own face on one of Gene’s most beloved characters, Willy Wonka. He wrote:

‘There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination…’ So long, #GeneWilder #WillyWonka. And thank you for broadening our imaginations as kids. #IveGotAGoldenTicket. And my mom did call me Willy my whole childhood.

Screen Shot 2016-08-30 at 3.34.51 PM

Sweet. Right?

But apparently it is not the “thing to do” to superimpose your face over a recently deceased one and Kelly’s comments lit right up!

@pdxpert Narcissist???? WTF!

@simplyjapanesebonsai He’s only just died mate very poor taste

@pmilburn002 CREEPY!!

@owenoma5 Man not cool to market your wave pool ticket competition through the death of a true icon.

@sebastian_oliveira007 Why would you ever put your face over this legend

@__monica__shah131__ Boys, I feel so boring today. If u wanna f.u.c.k me tonight just visit my profile.

On and on it goes. On and on with the high soapbox and the wagging finger and the tsk-tsk but I say shame on the shamers!

Screw the “thing to do!”

Also, I feel a little boring today too…

Enjoy surf rage with Laird Hamilton!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

The King of the Sea and his best offering yet!

Have you ever been surfing at a crowded break? The people, the damned people just everywhere. Getting in your way. Making your life hell. So difficult. So impossible to even find a wave.

Finally though you are in position. And, mercy be, the wave of the day dances upon the horizon. It’s yours! All yours!

Head down you paddle. It swoops you up, gloriously, and you pop to your feet without hitch. You are a super man! A King Triton!

The lip, just in front of you, begins to feather and you know it is going to pitch. Barrel for you! Barrel life!

But…

But…

What the hell is that? Who the hell is that and what is he doing?

There’s no way…

No way…

But…

He is! He’s dropping in!

And your perfect wave is destroyed. You straighten out, getting mashed by the lip. Your last sight is this man, this thief, this asshole, this motherfucker, this dirtbag, this shit, this shithead, this piece of shit slipping into your barrel.

You see him five minutes later, paddling back to the lineup, with a smile so wide that it is almost blinding and rage floods your heart. Pure, unbridled RAGE!

You scream at him, “ASSHOLE, MOTHERFUCKER, DIRTBAG, SHIT, SHITHEAD, PIECE OF SHIT!”

And he responds with equal rage, “Fuck you, kook, barney, I’m a local. This is MY wave!”

It is decided. The two of you will meet on the beach.

Another five minutes later you are both there, seething, staring at each other. Bloodshot eyes. Pulsing veins. You make the first move, attacking, but…you are true asshole. Your trunks made by BeachGrit catch your leg. They were not built for fighting! They were built for getting tan and showing off your gams and, in a pinch, doubling as a pair of Speedos (buy here) and your motion is severely restricted!

You tumble to the sand, your enemy pounces and his smile grows even wider as he bloodies your face, breaks your ribs, shames your family for two generations.

But let’s rewind, shall we, to where you make the first attacking move. This time you are wearing the Punch hybrid boardshort by Laird Apparel instead of those damn little BeachGrit things! Its “hybrid technology combinding (Laird’s spelling, not mine)  a surf and fight short designed to work in the gym, grappling and in heavy surf.”

And you strike and you pound and you win! You kill your enemy, lop off his head with a nearby shard of rock and paddle all bloody back to the lineup. This time it is your smile that is wide.

Thanks, Laird Hamilton for the hydrofoil, the stand-up paddleboard and for tow surfing but thanks mostly for the Punch hybrid boardshort.

Movie: Ryan Callinan Gets Me High!

Derek Rielly

by Derek Rielly

A how-to-get-very-high tutorial with the (predicted) 2016 rookie of the year!

Have you ever felt the weight of prophecy? I feel it all the time.

I can’t describe exactly how it feels when the weight of future told is thrown upon me, but if forced to try, I’d say it’s like the heaviness of a blanket combined with the irritation of a hard-to-reach itch.

Last Easter, I predicted Kolohe Andino would win the Rip Curl Pro at Bells, with Mason Ho in the semis. Uncanny!

Even earlier, the shock of prophecy came when I predicted Ryan Callinan, from Newcastle, Australia, would become the 2016 rookie of the year.  Will it come true for the current world #34? Time will tell!

In the meantime, let’s swish round in a dazzling three-minute short where Ryan shows you how, in the slowest of motion, to get high, very high.

Rumor: John John out of Trestles!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

A terrible possibility! Damn the fates (if true)!

Oh how great it is to be king! The sun shines brightly on John John Florence, your newly minted giant atop the Jeep Leaderboard. He vanquished the snaggle-toothed usurper and ahhhhhhh wonderful. Everything is right with the universe.

Except oops!

Rumor has it that Blonde Ambition hurt his knee in his final against Kelly Slater bad enough to be out of Trestles and maybe beyond!

Life sux!

You can watch his injury on the wipeout against Kelly Slater. At 4:20 watch his foot slip off the board and leg tweak oddly. Watch the grimace.

And what, horror of horrors, if this is all true? What if John John’s very clear championship run is derailed not by a Brazilian but by fate itself.

LIFE SUPER SUX!

We will keep you up to the minute on this ugly possibility.

And, perhaps so briefly, life as the world number one!

Poll: What is surfing’s greatest scandal?

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

Is there one so tawdry it towers above?

I have licked my lips all morning over the latest Anthony Wiener sexting scandal. And of course you know Anthony Wiener. He was an up and coming political star. An angry dynamo with a funny name but passionate liberal heart.

He was a congressman and oh how he would scream about injustice etc. etc. face bulging. Neck bulging. He was so passionate, so on point, that the Clinton family even tapped him to be Hillary’s number one aide’s husband!

Huma and Anthony were married and now he was part of the Clinton machine. Future assured!

Except he tweeted pictures of his penis bulging to a woman and got found out.

It happened lots more times and he was totally disgraced but Huma stuck with him until yesterday when it happened again. This time with his penis bulging next to his toddler sleeping. It don’t get any worse!

He is a sexting monster!

All of it made me wonder, though. What is surfing’s greatest ever scandal?

Kolohe Andino sexting Danny Clayton’s girlfriend?

Very funny.

Very very funny.

Very very very funny.

Do it get douchier than Danny Clayton? I think it can’t!

But surfing’s greatest ever scandal?

Matt Warshaw, are you there?

Anyone?