The King of the Sea and his best offering yet!
Have you ever been surfing at a crowded break? The people, the damned people just everywhere. Getting in your way. Making your life hell. So difficult. So impossible to even find a wave.
Finally though you are in position. And, mercy be, the wave of the day dances upon the horizon. It’s yours! All yours!
Head down you paddle. It swoops you up, gloriously, and you pop to your feet without hitch. You are a super man! A King Triton!
The lip, just in front of you, begins to feather and you know it is going to pitch. Barrel for you! Barrel life!
But…
But…
What the hell is that? Who the hell is that and what is he doing?
There’s no way…
No way…
But…
He is! He’s dropping in!
And your perfect wave is destroyed. You straighten out, getting mashed by the lip. Your last sight is this man, this thief, this asshole, this motherfucker, this dirtbag, this shit, this shithead, this piece of shit slipping into your barrel.
You see him five minutes later, paddling back to the lineup, with a smile so wide that it is almost blinding and rage floods your heart. Pure, unbridled RAGE!
You scream at him, “ASSHOLE, MOTHERFUCKER, DIRTBAG, SHIT, SHITHEAD, PIECE OF SHIT!”
And he responds with equal rage, “Fuck you, kook, barney, I’m a local. This is MY wave!”
It is decided. The two of you will meet on the beach.
Another five minutes later you are both there, seething, staring at each other. Bloodshot eyes. Pulsing veins. You make the first move, attacking, but…you are true asshole. Your trunks made by BeachGrit catch your leg. They were not built for fighting! They were built for getting tan and showing off your gams and, in a pinch, doubling as a pair of Speedos (buy here) and your motion is severely restricted!
You tumble to the sand, your enemy pounces and his smile grows even wider as he bloodies your face, breaks your ribs, shames your family for two generations.
But let’s rewind, shall we, to where you make the first attacking move. This time you are wearing the Punch hybrid boardshort by Laird Apparel instead of those damn little BeachGrit things! Its “hybrid technology combinding (Laird’s spelling, not mine) a surf and fight short designed to work in the gym, grappling and in heavy surf.”
And you strike and you pound and you win! You kill your enemy, lop off his head with a nearby shard of rock and paddle all bloody back to the lineup. This time it is your smile that is wide.
Thanks, Laird Hamilton for the hydrofoil, the stand-up paddleboard and for tow surfing but thanks mostly for the Punch hybrid boardshort.
The design is to be worn 5-6 sizes too small.
This means it is like the Popeye effect. Being so tight around the waist (and even better with a draw string) gives the wearer an instantly bigger upper torso.
The physical upper body enlargement coupled with the shorts tightness, means every user just wants to punch on!!
Laird is a genius
That caption…
Chas, you should arrange a leg wrestling event. The Punch versus the Beach Grit Black Virgin Mary Trunk. You and Laird. Locked thigh to thigh. Mollywop that ho.
Laird’s surfing style says he eagerly seeks a hug from someone, but his boardshorts scream bare-knuckle brawling is ever-present on his agenda. Confusing times, confusing times indeed.
Finally this phenomena has now been solved.
I searched it very interesting
I initially thought ice then thought was really someone who had tried to channel their inner fred flintstone
Is there a Richie Collins signature pant? Too soon?
What’s the outseam on these? I usually surf, fight and gym in these bad boys, and I don’t want to go too much longer.
Thank you, Laird, for your complete lack of self-awareness. It is truly your greatest gift bestowed upon us, the mere mortals of the surf universe.
Excuse me…..but it’s pronounced Laird™.
Chas, son… we must talk. This is no way to deal with so blatant a drop in. Hint: it could begin with supplying him with a 6’3″ foam/fiberglass suppository, and perhaps end with you eating his heart and absorbing his life force.
6’3″??? Chazzie solely rides a 4’8″ alaia these days.
I was referring to my own board, but a 4’8″ alaia? Manly!