The King of the Sea and his best offering yet!
Have you ever been surfing at a crowded break? The people, the damned people just everywhere. Getting in your way. Making your life hell. So difficult. So impossible to even find a wave.
Finally though you are in position. And, mercy be, the wave of the day dances upon the horizon. It’s yours! All yours!
Head down you paddle. It swoops you up, gloriously, and you pop to your feet without hitch. You are a super man! A King Triton!
The lip, just in front of you, begins to feather and you know it is going to pitch. Barrel for you! Barrel life!
What the hell is that? Who the hell is that and what is he doing?
There’s no way…
He is! He’s dropping in!
And your perfect wave is destroyed. You straighten out, getting mashed by the lip. Your last sight is this man, this thief, this asshole, this motherfucker, this dirtbag, this shit, this shithead, this piece of shit slipping into your barrel.
You see him five minutes later, paddling back to the lineup, with a smile so wide that it is almost blinding and rage floods your heart. Pure, unbridled RAGE!
You scream at him, “ASSHOLE, MOTHERFUCKER, DIRTBAG, SHIT, SHITHEAD, PIECE OF SHIT!”
And he responds with equal rage, “Fuck you, kook, barney, I’m a local. This is MY wave!”
It is decided. The two of you will meet on the beach.
Another five minutes later you are both there, seething, staring at each other. Bloodshot eyes. Pulsing veins. You make the first move, attacking, but…you are true asshole. Your trunks made by BeachGrit catch your leg. They were not built for fighting! They were built for getting tan and showing off your gams and, in a pinch, doubling as a pair of Speedos (buy here) and your motion is severely restricted!
You tumble to the sand, your enemy pounces and his smile grows even wider as he bloodies your face, breaks your ribs, shames your family for two generations.
But let’s rewind, shall we, to where you make the first attacking move. This time you are wearing the Punch hybrid boardshort by Laird Apparel instead of those damn little BeachGrit things! Its “hybrid technology combinding (Laird’s spelling, not mine) a surf and fight short designed to work in the gym, grappling and in heavy surf.”
And you strike and you pound and you win! You kill your enemy, lop off his head with a nearby shard of rock and paddle all bloody back to the lineup. This time it is your smile that is wide.
Thanks, Laird Hamilton for the hydrofoil, the stand-up paddleboard and for tow surfing but thanks mostly for the Punch hybrid boardshort.