Fuck you, rock...let's fight!
Fuck you, rock...let's fight!

Enjoy surf rage with Laird Hamilton!

The King of the Sea and his best offering yet!

Have you ever been surfing at a crowded break? The people, the damned people just everywhere. Getting in your way. Making your life hell. So difficult. So impossible to even find a wave.

Finally though you are in position. And, mercy be, the wave of the day dances upon the horizon. It’s yours! All yours!

Head down you paddle. It swoops you up, gloriously, and you pop to your feet without hitch. You are a super man! A King Triton!

The lip, just in front of you, begins to feather and you know it is going to pitch. Barrel for you! Barrel life!



What the hell is that? Who the hell is that and what is he doing?

There’s no way…

No way…


He is! He’s dropping in!

And your perfect wave is destroyed. You straighten out, getting mashed by the lip. Your last sight is this man, this thief, this asshole, this motherfucker, this dirtbag, this shit, this shithead, this piece of shit slipping into your barrel.

You see him five minutes later, paddling back to the lineup, with a smile so wide that it is almost blinding and rage floods your heart. Pure, unbridled RAGE!


And he responds with equal rage, “Fuck you, kook, barney, I’m a local. This is MY wave!”

It is decided. The two of you will meet on the beach.

Another five minutes later you are both there, seething, staring at each other. Bloodshot eyes. Pulsing veins. You make the first move, attacking, but…you are true asshole. Your trunks made by BeachGrit catch your leg. They were not built for fighting! They were built for getting tan and showing off your gams and, in a pinch, doubling as a pair of Speedos (buy here) and your motion is severely restricted!

You tumble to the sand, your enemy pounces and his smile grows even wider as he bloodies your face, breaks your ribs, shames your family for two generations.

But let’s rewind, shall we, to where you make the first attacking move. This time you are wearing the Punch hybrid boardshort by Laird Apparel instead of those damn little BeachGrit things! Its “hybrid technology combinding (Laird’s spelling, not mine)  a surf and fight short designed to work in the gym, grappling and in heavy surf.”

And you strike and you pound and you win! You kill your enemy, lop off his head with a nearby shard of rock and paddle all bloody back to the lineup. This time it is your smile that is wide.

Thanks, Laird Hamilton for the hydrofoil, the stand-up paddleboard and for tow surfing but thanks mostly for the Punch hybrid boardshort.

Ryan Callinan
Height and a sublime arrangement of limbs.

Movie: Ryan Callinan Gets Me High!

A how-to-get-very-high tutorial with the (predicted) 2016 rookie of the year!

Have you ever felt the weight of prophecy? I feel it all the time.

I can’t describe exactly how it feels when the weight of future told is thrown upon me, but if forced to try, I’d say it’s like the heaviness of a blanket combined with the irritation of a hard-to-reach itch.

Last Easter, I predicted Kolohe Andino would win the Rip Curl Pro at Bells, with Mason Ho in the semis. Uncanny!

Even earlier, the shock of prophecy came when I predicted Ryan Callinan, from Newcastle, Australia, would become the 2016 rookie of the year.  Will it come true for the current world #34? Time will tell!

In the meantime, let’s swish round in a dazzling three-minute short where Ryan shows you how, in the slowest of motion, to get high, very high.

John John seen here in happier times. Maybe happier.
John John seen here in happier times. Maybe happier.

Rumor: John John out of Trestles!

A terrible possibility! Damn the fates (if true)!

Oh how great it is to be king! The sun shines brightly on John John Florence, your newly minted giant atop the Jeep Leaderboard. He vanquished the snaggle-toothed usurper and ahhhhhhh wonderful. Everything is right with the universe.

Except oops!

Rumor has it that Blonde Ambition hurt his knee in his final against Kelly Slater bad enough to be out of Trestles and maybe beyond!

Life sux!

You can watch his injury on the wipeout against Kelly Slater. At 4:20 watch his foot slip off the board and leg tweak oddly. Watch the grimace.

And what, horror of horrors, if this is all true? What if John John’s very clear championship run is derailed not by a Brazilian but by fate itself.


We will keep you up to the minute on this ugly possibility.

And, perhaps so briefly, life as the world number one!

Danny Clayton's girlfriend...are you there?
Danny Clayton's girlfriend...are you there?

Poll: What is surfing’s greatest scandal?

Is there one so tawdry it towers above?

I have licked my lips all morning over the latest Anthony Wiener sexting scandal. And of course you know Anthony Wiener. He was an up and coming political star. An angry dynamo with a funny name but passionate liberal heart.

He was a congressman and oh how he would scream about injustice etc. etc. face bulging. Neck bulging. He was so passionate, so on point, that the Clinton family even tapped him to be Hillary’s number one aide’s husband!

Huma and Anthony were married and now he was part of the Clinton machine. Future assured!

Except he tweeted pictures of his penis bulging to a woman and got found out.

It happened lots more times and he was totally disgraced but Huma stuck with him until yesterday when it happened again. This time with his penis bulging next to his toddler sleeping. It don’t get any worse!

He is a sexting monster!

All of it made me wonder, though. What is surfing’s greatest ever scandal?

Kolohe Andino sexting Danny Clayton’s girlfriend?

Very funny.

Very very funny.

Very very very funny.

Do it get douchier than Danny Clayton? I think it can’t!

But surfing’s greatest ever scandal?

Matt Warshaw, are you there?


Ace Buchan
Oowee, those hands-behind-the-back toobs stink, but it's a small crime in the grand scheme. Who is more loveable than Adrian Buchan! | Photo: WSL

Ace Buchan is the world number four!

Can you love a man who once advertised Power Balance bracelets?

Adrian ‘The Ace’ Buchan is world number four. The fourth-best surfer in the world as determined by a panel of expert judges. Is his rating an accurate reflection of his ability, of his status as a world-title shooter?

Let’s examine.

After a hot week in Tahiti, John John Florence became the number one surfer in the world and everyone went home happy.


Even a Central Coast goofyfooter with two contest victories to his name. Was very stoked indeed. Heading home to saddle up the backhand and swoop his way to the top in Cali in a couple weeks.

Wilko? Nope. Kid’s in Byron these days, anyway.

I’m talking Ace Buchan, top-five debutant and Australia’s latest goofy-champion-in waiting since Mick Campbell in ’98.

Ace is currently 9500 points behind Gabriel, who is 4000 points behind John John with Willy in between. Close, yeah? So close! And with four events left on the clock, he’s halted designs on the ‘John John 2016 World Champ’ shirts and got Bob Hurley sweating on his great investment.

Trestles? Dual semi-finalist. Got smoked by Gabriel in the Nike QS in 2012, tagged him back in the 2014 Hurley quarters with a 9.43. A comment on the WSL video of said 9 states “bad judgment!!!! Great mistake!!!”

Another one says, “but in the middle you have judges who was Donald ??? use the glasses in addition have binoculars … or just tell them you want to throw out Medina. judges Losers.”

I don’t know who Donald is nor can I watch the wave to make my own opinion (since when do the WSL privatize their video links from past events?), but pencil Ace into your Fantasy team.

Did you know Ace was a hologram sticker bracelet guy? Wikipedia tells me he was riding with Zentrom Quantum Technology on the Power Balance trend way back when the plastic trinkets fooled the Irons brothers among millions around the world. But, that lapse in judgement aside, Ace ain’t no fool. Here’s a sharp piece he wrote on Kieren Perrow for Stab. 

And he sure knows how to win a heat. Remember when Ace beat Kelly Slater in France in 2008. Why is he called Ace? Who gives someone the nickname ‘Ace’ and how does it end up sticking? I prefer Ace to Adrian. I can’t call anyone Adrian without conjuring a Stallone impression. And didn’t Dave Stanfield call him ‘Byoochan’ at Sunset one year?

Well Byoochan won’t need Sunset this year cause he’s going straight to tha Pipe. If you do well at Chopes you tend to do well at Pipe. Mr Buchan, Chopes champ, 2013, bobs and weaves with the best of them. Maybe too many hands-behind-the-back claims (what is this 1985?), but still good.

Remember that time at J-Bay a couple years back when Ace punch claimed the fuck out of a nine-something and nearly threw his damn shoulder out? Imagine the punch on the podium at da Banzai with a big silver cup in front of him!