How handsome are the top ten? Our expert weighs in!
Johnny Constantine Unitas III comes from football royalty and has the greatest name this side of Benedict Timothy Carlton Cumberbatch. He is, himself, handsome. A sort of American prince. And he knows many things, including how to throw a tight spiral and what makes for physical beauty. What, then, does his expert eye tell us about the relative handsome of our surfing top ten? How would he rank them on a scale that truly matters to the rest of the world?
Is judging another man’s handsomeness still frowned upon these days? Personally, I don’t care. I’m a buyer for a fashion retailer and spend hours critiquing clothes.
I shed a tear as my skin turns pasty white and my hair looses its sun-bleached blonde highlights while summer on the U.S. east coast fades. And, sometimes at length, debate my girlfriend on whether Ryan Gosling or Ryan Reynolds is the most handsome “Ryan” in Hollywood.
So, when Chas Smith e-mails me asking, “Can you do a power ranking on the WCT’s top ten surfers handsomeness? Like, put them in order from most to least?” I gladly set aside my heterosexuality, pour myself a cup of coffee and ask, “are piercing blue eyes and a chestnut tan enough to offset baldness?”
The answer is, yes.
Kelly Slater comes in at number one with those glassy-beautiful eyes that once gazed longingly into Pamela Anderson’s, Bar Refaeli’s and now permanently into Kalani Miller’s. There’s a reason I came home after school everyday to watch Baywatch. And it was that damn, Jimmy Slade.
Second, has to be Joel Parkinson. That strong jaw line, perfect scruff and brawny Australian accent bring him in at the number two-spot.
Third handsomest goes to the tall, dark and… well, handsome, Michel Bourez. Michel looks like he could take a punch and wear a black eye better than Brad Pitt in Snatch or Fight Club. He is “The Spartan.”
Kolohe Andino takes the fourth spot. Kolohe looks like he stepped out of an Abercrombie and Fitch, Bruce Weber editorial. And that’s why he’s number four. Damn good-looking but too damn young to be truly handsome.
Comfortably, in the fifth spot is, Mick Fanning. He’s the most ruggedly handsome, but lacks panache and swagger. Rugged is all he has going for him.
Sixth place goes to Taj. While not the most handsome, he looks like he’d be fun to drink beers and have a laugh with. That’s called, “charm,” and being charming and slightly handsome is sometimes better than being 100% handsome.
Seventh and eighth spot are a toss up between Adriana de Souza and Gabriel Medina. I’ve asked numerous females to weight in, and I would have had an easier time flipping a coin.
Ninth spot on the handsome power rankings is Jordy Smith. He’s just dopey looking, and could use a very good haircut. Or maybe it’s his receding hairline? Jordy is very lucky because Lyndall is a lot more attractive. But, we should all take a page out of Jordy’s “How to Propose to the Love of Your Life,” book.
The ass-end of the handsome power rankings goes to none other than John John Florence. Let us not judge a young man’s handsomeness off of his pro-ho following. John John is the least handsome, and his lack of handsomeness clearly defines the phrase, “Pro-Ho.”