One is cute as a button, the other is ugly as sin but such a merry prankster!
It ain’t difficult to tell these two bro’s apart. Parker bursting from the mouth, Conner swollen with the good looks. Don’t you want to fondle Conner’s golden hair and kiss his eyelashes? Just last year, Conner was the subject of a Surfer magazine cover that I can confidently assert was the greatest cover in the last 10 years, a cutback for the ages.
Parker, meanwhile, is affixed to his board as if with sticky jelly, and is freckled and often delirious and babbling, uttering sounds of enjoyment.
For this BeachGrit piece, I approached the Coffin brothers to combine for 10 mistakes; a combination I sort because the pair have led such pleasurable lives it would be impossible to find a 10-pack of errors. Now let’s rap!
1. Eating Grandma’s Pie: She made the best apple pies ever. She was surrounded by apple trees and she’d make these rad apple pies which I’d eat with the most gusto. And therefore I went through a doughy pre-puberty phase. I have a round enough face as it is, but fuelled by apple pies, I chunked out.
2. Not Learning to Play Music Earlier: I wish I was that kid who took music class. I wish I had music ingrained in me. Kids who have parents who play music have it tapped into their DNA. I didn’t start playing guitar until I was 12 and now I feel like learning to read music and having that instinctual approach is impossible.
3. Smashing my brother: I’d just gotten back from a trip, Parker was annoying me and I overreacted and pushed him. Due to an unfortunate chain of events he hit a fire hydrant and had to go to ER. I may’ve scarred him subconsciously and, deep down, he may even hate me. Was I punished? Well, yeah, their deal was pushing us to be pals.
4. Listening to rap: I can’t believe I wasted year of my life listening to that instead of things that involve real instruments. I don’t like the artificial nature of it. I mean, I understand the sonic structure, the engineering, but I believe music should be played with instruments. I love the Stones, the Grateful Dead, the Allman Brothers, Hendrix, Led Zeppelin.
5. Breaking up with my gal: At the time it felt like the right thing to do, and maybe it still is, but she’s super cool and now she’s dating another guy and I think, was it a mistake? I was 20, she was 27 and at different points in our lives. It definitely bums me out a bit but I’ve got to feel happy for her.
1. Not smelling the roses: I regret not being more of a tourist when we travel to all of these amazing places. It’s hard to get motivated to go out and be a tourist when you are on a surf trip for some reason. So that’s a new personal goal I have. I want to try and learn more about the various places that we go to instead of just going to surf and then going home. It’s a lot more meaningful to come home with some thing knowledgeable than just a description of how the waves were somewhere,
2. Splitting from school: I so regret not going to school for a few more years. My family was super supportive of the whole surfing thing and at the time all I wanted was to not be sitting in a classroom all day. Looking back on it I wish I hung in until at least middle school because then I would have known a lot more girls throughout my teenage years. But it’s all good, I met ’em elsewhere.
3. My big mouth: There has been a lot of times when I was younger that I would just mouth off to people I shouldn’t have. At my local break I was just some cocky little shit-grom who would make fun of the older guys and they would just get me right back with some grom torture. I’m still learning my lesson with that one.
4. Burning my ears off: One of my biggest mistakes is being on my phone too much. I’m trying to make a serious effort to cut back because my brother is always making fun of me for not being a part of conversations. Technology is taking over our lives and I don’t want to miss anything by looking at a stupid little device.
5. Acting old: Sometimes I’ll worry about stuff that don’t really matter instead of just being a grom. I mean, one day I’ll wake up and be 30 and have a 30-year-old’s problem instead of being a teenager enjoying the essential breeziness of life.