WSL to Brazil: “Your beaches are shit!”

“You could have a situation where most of the beach is awash in this putrid water."

The World Surf League moves to Rio de Janeiro for its next fun-filled stop and all American/Australian/Irish professionals are ecstatic. Or, not ecstatic but totally bummed. Brazilian surfers have mostly owned the first three events of the year and chances are they will also own their home country (except Kolohe will win).

Furthermore, the World Surf League is removing beaches as possible backup sites due to raw sewage in the water. Sao Conrado had been an alternate site. It is very close to Barra da Tijuca, a mere 15 km east, but gross and so the WSL issued a press release and bid it adieu. “Pollution issues,” they said.

A malodorous fountain of shit!
A malodorous fountain of untreated waste aka shit. 

AOL, which is apparently still around, wrote, “Wedged between the high-rent Barra da Tijuca and Leblon neighborhoods and two ‘favela’ hillside slums, Sao Conrado is among Rio’s most polluted beaches. Much of the sewage from the slums flow untreated directly into the water. A ruptured sewage main has added to the problem in recent days, unleashing a malodorous fountain of untreated waste that is cascaded down a rocky outcropping and into the water, creating a huge brown stain.”


But also no worries because in the same press release the WSL also said, “Barra da Tijuca beach will deliver excellent conditions as the primary site for next month’s surfing event.” Partner Surfline feels very strongly about the excellent conditions. Wave analysts are working around the clock, when not getting weird in the office “sex kitchen,” making sure they are as good as Snapper this past Feb 28 March 13.

Except a Brazilian biologist said that, depending on winds and tides, all the poo at Sao Conrado can end up in Barra da Tijuca. “You could have a situation where most of the beach is awash in this putrid water,” he said.

What do you think is worse, equal 25th in ankle high waves or cholera?

Video: John John Florence in Samsung-Avengers short!

Alongside sports superstars Leo Messi, Eddie Lacey and Fabian Cancellara and a kid called Bobby Martinez (true!).

If Kelly Slater was the 90s and 2000s, it’s fair to say that, recently, John John Florence has become the new face of surfing.

For the mainstream, for the fringe, for the sweet little kids, for the mamas and the papas, for all of us. Who isn’t falling over ’emselves for John John?

Where Kelly brought looks and smarts, John John brings a swinging cool A sunburst of gold!

And, now, “Amazing Spider-Man director Marc Webb has assembled 4th grader Bobby Martinez as Captain America, Green Bay Packers running back Eddie Lacey as Hulk, mechanical engineer Sasha Blanc as Black Widow, pro cyclist Fabian Cancellara as Hawkeye, pro surfer John John Florence, and soccer player Leo Messi. In the two-part promo video titled Assemble, the six are given special briefcases that unlock to reveal special edition Avengers-themed Galaxy S6 Edge phones before the floor lowers into a secret base, promising more adventure to come.”

Each sports star is told by a voice within the briefcase which Avenger they match up with. Thor is the Avenger that matches John John Florence (thanks to his “Godly courage and Godly hair”)…


Meanwhile, in the March quarter, Samsung sold 83 million smart phones compared to Apples 61 mill. Those Android bricks rule! Who knew!

Exclusive: Stuntman to trike Teahupo’o!

It's a mad, mad, maddo world!

You come to BeachGrit for it’s exclusive scoops, like Bethany Hamilton throwing one-armed airs and Kelly Slater buying Firewire, but you stay for its witty repartee and devil-may-care ‘tude. But then guess what? You are rewarded with more exclusive scoops!

And this time we have Robbie Maddison. That’s right, the Australian freestyle motocross rider/stuntman/daredevil is doing something that I actually dreamed about last night. He is riding a water tricycle (or maybe bicycle) over the falls at Teahupo’o!

Maddo, as friends and sponsors call him, is a “nutter.” According to his website he has “… jumped over a football, held world records for longest distance jumped on a motorcycle (with a trick thrown in for good measure!), he jumped onto a replica of the Arc de Triomphe, then just for fun, jumped back down. He backflipped over the opened Tower Bridge in London, leapt over 300 feet across the Corinth Canal and most recently jumped close to 400 feet over the San Diego Harbour with friend Levi Lavallee on a snowmobile next to him. Starting to get the picture?”

And I think whoever wrote his website’s copy meant “jumped over a football field” because I too have jumped over a football but nobody, and I mean not even JOB, has taken off on a Teahupo’o wave on a water bicycle (or maybe tricycle). Quiksilver shoe company DC is said to be behind the stunt. And to think that shareholders are calling for them to sell themselves.

Stay here to see if he survived and how amazing it is. Our sources say it is happening this very minute. Stay tuned and then read a better version of this same exact story on Stab!

Maddo doing something else.
Maddo doing something else.

Quiksilver to sell itself?

Go to hell, Consac LLC!

Do you go to You should. Aside from an unnecessary adoration of that strange little thief Tony Hawk (go watch All This Mayhem. So good and details how Tony H. stole the 900 from a poor Australian boy, just trying to make his way in this world, in the most underhanded manner possible! He’s yuck!), it has the best in bite-sized nuggets in action sports.

Last week, the editors posted a story about how one of Quiksilver’s top shareholders, Consac LLC, demanded that the company sell itself. Consac’s president, Ryan Drexler, sent a letter to Huntington Beach saying they should find a buyer “in order to preserve diminishing shareholder value before conditions get even worse.” Consac, apparently, believes that Nike or VF (owner of Vans amongst others) would be the best fit.

I think Consac should butt the hell out. Do they not know that Quiksilver’s real power now resides in France and that beautiful French goods are going to soon flow into our salt-crusted hands? Have they not seen Quiksilver’s new wetsuit? Have they never heard the name Jeremy Flores? I think probably not.

Stay in the valley kooks and just watch Quiksilver rise like a glorious phoenix from the ashes. Watch share price double to $2.45 based on a fabulous co-branded Vueve Cliquot rollout. Watch share price triple to $7.35 when Brad Pitt wears a Quiksilver wetsuit to the Oscars.

Laird is the kook of the decade!

And that makes him the coolest man on earth.

I just saw this on @kook_of_the_day’s fantastic Instagram account. They write, “God damn it, knock it off Laird. #greatfootworklaird #rippingthegreens #lairddontripgreens #golfbort #hitthesandtrappussy #golfissomuchfunnowbro”

Stab Magazine writes, “Sweet dreams are made of Laird Hamilton’s Golfboard” and continues on in a very clearly ironic vein.

Surfer Magazine doesn’t write anything because the entire staff is checking online as to where they can purchase the product.

Surfline also doesn’t write anything because the entire staff is busy on kinky sex websites and/or selling each other into prostitution.

The Inertia also doesn’t write anything because the entire staff is busy doing kettle bell exercises and wishing they majored in something other than Music Therapy in college.

I write, “Son of a bitch, Laird. What are you thinking? There is no way this shit bag start-up is paying you enough to do this. Nor will it survive and keep paying you. Do you simply love being the biggest dick on earth? Wait. You do, don’t you. You would rather be a giant dick than contribute. Well sons of two bitches. Now I think I love you.”

@kook_of_the_day is both more cutting and more funny and Stab is more ironic. Surfer, Surfline and The Inertia are ???? Odd? but I am very serious. Laird don’t care. Tell me that’s not the essence of cool. Tell me that’s not what Dylan Rieder is gagging for.

BeachGrit salutes you Laird Hamilton! Keep ripping!