One of Chris Burkard's remarkable images from
The Plight of the Torpedo People, the book that accompanies Keith
Malloy's bodysurfing film Come Hell or Highwater. Chris
Burkard
Bodysurfing is the Greatest Thing
Ever!
By Rory Parker
But it also has a tendency to turn you into a
full-blown "super prick"…
Bodysurfing is the greatest thing
ever. It’s fun, it’s easy, and because its biggest
devotees are hairy middle-aged men, it’s inherently uncool. So
uncool, in fact, that it transcends it’s own uncoolosity, and
circles back around to become extra cool.
It also has a tendency to turn you into a full-blown super
prick, unless you confine yourself to the handful of “bodysurf
only” spots in existence. Battling for waves with only a pair of
fins puts you roughly on level with the splayed leg paddle set if
you venture into quality surf. The inability to accelerate in order
to make sections pushes onto the shoulder, sharing space with
the weakest and worst. Shout, jostle, jockey, you’ve gotta show
those barneys who’s boss.
Unless you’re Mike Stewart and possess the ability to pump and
drive through the surf like a fucking dolphin.
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If you want to get in the surf game but you're not pro
level (like John John Florence here) or able, willing, to swim out
at 10-foot Teahupoo to steal a water photo (like Daniel Russo
here), how about… writing! Do it in the discomfort of your own
hovel too!
Opportunity! Rory Parker’s Academy for Surf
Writers!
By Rory Parker
A nine-day, live-in course on Kauai! Only
$2500!
I once came across an advertisement for a “Surf and Sports Writers Workshop” being
hosted at the Turtle Bay, on Oahu. For only $895 I could
attend a five-day clinic and learn from the very best.
There’d be lectures and box lunches and a bus to take you to the
beach where you’d do “field work.” You’d be schooled in the
craft by The Inertia’s Ted Endo and some chick from ESPN!
True luminaries! But, sadly, writing about surfing doesn’t pay
enough to learn how to write about surfing, so I had to forego what
would have surely been a life altering experience.
Despite this handicap I, nevertheless, managed to claw my way to
the very heights of the surf journalism industry. Every day my
words are read by dozens of people, some of who aren’t even related
to me! And my Facebook “likes” sometimes number as many as
ten!
Then I heard about the college class that Sam and Matt George
are conducting in Bali (click
here) which actually seems like a not too bad way for a
college-aged kid to piss away his parents’ hard earned money.
The guys are good writers, the class provides college credit,
and considering it includes food and lodging, it is fairly priced.
Sure, they made the odd decision of incudling Allan Weisbecker’s
self indulgent abortion of a second novel in the curriculum
(click here), but nothing’s perfect.
Of course, I’m not going myself. I hated school, and the only
college-age kids I want to spend any time with are the ones I lure
into my home with smiles and empty promises.
But I can, and plan to, cash in on the idea.
Which is why I’m proud to announce the first session of Rory
Parker’s Kauai Spare Room Learning Academy for Surfboard
Writers. For only $2500 you can enroll in my intensive
nine-day course that will show you the in an outs of achieving surf
writer success.
Lodging is provided in the form of cozy bunk bed style living,
in my home nestled in the beautiful mountains of the Garden Isle.
Classes will be small, no more than eight students per session,
mainly due to the fact that I don’t think I could fit any more
people in my spare bedroom.
Rory Parker’s Kauai Spare Room Learning Academy for
Surfboard Writers- Summer Session
Accredited in partnership with Bob Jones
University*
Syllabus
Section 1: Lifestyle
Day One:
Lecture: Finding that perfect spouse
How to attract and maintain a relationship with someone capable
of earning a steady income.
Assignment: Students will be tasked with creating a
Tinder profile that portrays them in a suitably “artsy” fashion and
guided in the proper selection of suitably wealthy candidates most
likely to indulge a “creative” life partner.
Day Two:
Lecture: Embracing the menial
How to rationalize poor career choices in the light of artistic
expression.
Assignment: Clean my house and do my yard work in
preparation for the coming years of temporary part time labor
Day Three:
Lecture: Collection
Includes phone hassling, physical intimidation, and personal
confrontation.
Assignment: Students will call someone who owes them
money and verbally berate them until paypal’d the balance due.
Section 2: Creative process
Day Four:
Lecture: Kill yourself, faggot
Audience interaction in the Internet age.
Assignment: Students will be guided in creating
sock puppet accounts, with which they will harass fellow writers
anonymously. Extra credit will be given to anyone who can convince
their target to self-harm
Day Five:
Lecture: Paying rent in “exposure”
Why working for free is a worthwhile pursuit.
Assignment: Students will be denied meals while
being forced to create content for a third party.
Day Six:
Lecture: Everything is always okay!
How to avoid negative characterizations in your writing.
Assignment: Write a 1500 word article hyping this
year’s US Open of Surfing.
Section 3: Going along to get along
Day 7:
Lecture: To shill or not to shill
Learning to subvert the creative process in search of
advertising revenue.
Assignment: Students will be tasked with turning a
print advertisement into a 500-word advertorial about their
respective products
Day 8:
Lecture: Brain rape
How to side step the creative process by stealing others’
work.
Assignment: 250 word article that serves to
justify ripping content from an outside source.
Day 9:
Lecture: Form over function
Using sesquipedalian writing to disguise shallow content.
Assignment: Students will be tasked with turning a
200-word piece of copy into something resembling prose using only
online thesauruses.
Space is limited, so get those $1000 non refundable deposits
sent in ASAP!
* Rory Parker’s Kauai Spare Room Learning Academy for Surfboard
Writers makes no claims regarding actual accreditation. Students
are to understand that course credits will most likely be
non-transferable
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"Has so much cum squirt in those eyes you can't see
what's right in front of your face?" Chris Malloy the fearsome
director during the filming of The Fisherman's Son, a bio-flick
about Ramon Navarro and his fight to save Chilean uberwave Punta de
Lobos.
Chris Malloy: How to survive the commercial
grind!
By Ashton Goggans
Or how to be a man while everyone else is looking
at their phone…
Chris Malloy, the middle pillar of the
triumphant genetic triumvirate that is The Malloy
Brothers, is a working class hero. A man of the
people. A bronzed populist with a penchant for dusty beards, big
trucks, and lush, vibrant cinematography that would make Clint
Eastwood cry.
He gets his hands dirty these days working on commercial
projects at Farm League, which is most certainly not a
Branded Content Agency.
Malloy and friends (Jason Baffa! Greg Hunt! The Gothic Dolphin
himself, Alex Kopps!) do Farm League because “life is too big (and
fun and great and instructive) to keep separate from work. And that
faking it is the lamest, worst, most uninspired thing a person can
spend their time on.”
(Which is something we here at BeachGrit salute! No
fake “big,” “fun and great and instructive” lives!)
Farm League’s done a bunch of short films, commercial spots, and
even kickstarter films, working with companies like Nike SB, The
North Face, Patagonia, and Ole Smoky moonshine. And Chris himself
has directed spots for Dodge, Jeep, and Gerber. And they’re pretty
damned good. Gritty. Durable. Steinbeckian, almost.
Most recently Chris released The Fisherman’s Son, a
bioflick about Ramon Navarro and his fight to save Chilean uberwave
Punta de Lobos.
And The Fisherman’s Son is good. It’s a story told
well. Which is rare in surfing, especially in surf films (which
Malloy claims The Fisherman’s Son is not).
I told Sir Derek Rielly I’d be chatting Chris up, and he told me
the theme of my conversation should be: How To Be A Man When
Everyone is Looking At Their Phone.
Well, here’s what Chris had to say.
On surf films: I look at surf films as these
sketches, on ideas or periods of time. You know, they’re not
linear. And they’re a great way to dabble and play with colors and
sound.
On The Fisherman’s Son: I’ve known Ramon for
almost ten years. I’ve been going down to that region of Chile for
a long time. Early on, Ramon was this neat little Chilean kid that
surfed really well. And then we met his family and got to
known him really well, and he just kept getting better and better.
To watch his rise was really inspiring on a personal level. And
when he got on the world’s stage he decided to use his voice to
protect the place he came from. I approached him about the film. We
knew each other, and he trusted me.
On the commercial grind: I come in, work super
hard for ten days straight, then go home for a month. I’ll fish and
surf, spend time with my family.
On hopping on the Patagucci express: You know,
we signed on ten years ago. At the time, people thought we were
nuts. Patagonia wasn’t a real surf brand.
On Patagonia’s pater familias: We were friends
with Yvon Chouinard (Patagonia founder) from climbing and
surfing with him. I loved his gear and his philosophy. After a
while it was like, Gee, we should work together. And when we
approached him he was like, “If you guys are down to follow that
philosophy, and put in some elbow grease, that might work. I’m not
looking for dancing bears.” He didn’t want guys that just put
stickers on their boards.
On Patagonia’s surf industry takeover: As far
as Patagonia’s success, that comes from surfing. Not from the surf
industry, but from the surfing community. Ten years ago there was a
shift. People started caring about where things came from. And then
there was the demand for better cold weather gear, of course.
On designing clothes: Patagonia’s close to
where I live. It’s awesome. In, like, every department I have
someone that I’ve known for ages. And it isn’t about big ideas
for me. It’s about a pair of boardshorts that are so simple it’s
ridiculous that we’re working on it. But we design this shit for
ourselves! Whether it’s a board or a piece of gear, we focus on one
thing until it’s exactly how we want it.
On where he chooses to focus his directorial
eye: The more I’m involved in filmmaking, the more I’m
drawn to just really good stories. I wish I was more consistent
with what I get excited about. For me, my future is always the next
story that moves me.
But if John John called and said he’s found some crazy slab
somewhere, and wanted to go there and film for a month, I’d jump on
it.
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Dave Carson's Lunada Bay cover for Monster
Children.
David Carson’s Lunada Bay Cover For Monster
Children!
By Derek Rielly
World's most influential (and imitated) designer's
take on "miserable, absurd, asshole localism."
David Carson is the world’s most imitated graphic
designer, at least among magazines that do “hip” and
“edge” and who like to break every typographic rule there is while
straight-jacketing themselves to another set of strictures.
Last week, the prestigious Harvard Graduate School of Design
asked him to create the publicity and posters for the
next school year. Apple called him one of the 30 most Influential
Mac users ever. London Creative Review magazine named him
the most famous graphic designer on the planet. There’s more, too,
but instead of me paraphrasing his website how about you
dive in here. (Click!)
A while back, David designed this cover for the Australian
surf-skate-lifestyle manual, Monster Children. For reasons
never revealed, it didn’t run and was replaced, instead, by a photo
of Alex Knost.
With Lunada Bay in the news (here and here), we figured we should talk to Carson
about the cover…
BeachGrit: I love this almost-Monster Children cover of
Lunada Bay.
Carson: Me too.
BeachGrit: Why did you design a cover with Lunada Bay? I
mean, what a provocateur!
Carson: Some friends of mine, mellow, good non-snake surfers,
had had their car windows broken, lights smashed out, tires slashed
and everything in the car stolen. And a hammer taken to the outside
of the car. They also had rocks thrown at them all the way down and
up the long trail down the cliff to the break at Lunada
Bay.
I’ve heard worse stories, a few ended up in ugly
court battles.
So I thought it would be nice to have a cover of “their spot” or
“their ocean” on the cover of a global magazine, complete with name
and location description. Plus it was just a really great image.
And I liked the way the whole cover came out. Maybe the monster-ish
children running the mag didn’t like that I changed their name
around . I dunno. They never told me why they didn’t run it.
BeachGrit: Tell me about your relationship with Lunada
Bay?
Carson: I attended Lunada Bay elementary school then left to
Cocoa Beach in Florida for a few years with my family as my dad was
in charge of the first unmmanned spacecraft to land on the moon.
Once that mission was accomplished, we returned to Palos Verdes
where I completed my last two years of high school.
I had a friend, Jeff Kruthers, who introduced me to Lunada Bay.
He and his brother Allan and their mom lived and grew up there.
Jeff was one of the first to really surf the place well.
Lil Dave Carson, just sweet 15 and fresh from
Florida, and his first surf at Lunada Bay. Pre-leash,
too.
Jeff later moved to Santa Barbara and managed the Chart House
restaurant before getting into real estate, mostly in the Ranch
where he continues to live and surf. He once offered me a small
section in the Ranch for 5000 dollars. Before he did, he asked me,
if the swell was pumping would I be able to drive into the Ranch
and NOT bring a bunch, or any, friends with me? If yes, I could
buy. Alas, I got busy and never quite got around to purchasing it.
Ouch. Ouch. Right up there with selling my house in Point Dume,
complete with key to gate around private surf point!
Anyway, I surfed Lunada Bay while in high school. My most
memorable day was the first time I ever surfed it. I was newly
arrived form Florida and had only been surfing a couple years. It
was a Sunday afternoon, me and a buddy. My friend lost his board
into the rocks and I surfed the entire afternoon alone, in the
biggest waves I’d ever surfed or seen. Pre-leash. This photo my
friend Guy Knight night took after he lost his board. He’s standing
on the point. Something you would literally be stoned to death for
if you tried today.
Jeff Kruthers, the pioneering Lunada Bay surfer.
“Classy guy,” says Carson. “So of course he left when he became an
adult and headed north.”
Even a couple years later when I was invited to compete in the
Smirnoff Pro am at Sunset Beach, the waves were not as big as I’d
gotten at Lunada. It’s an amazingly beautiful area: huge cliffs to
the water. And even more amazing is that it’s only about 40
minutes to downtown Los Angeles or 40 minutes to Orange County.
Because it’s a ways off the 405 freeway, a lot of surfers
STILL don’t know it actually exists, as they go flying by,
well crawling by actually, first gear in the fast lane bumper to
bumper up to Malibu or down to Trestles…..
BeachGrit: What sorta wave is it? Is it that
good?
Carson: It’s the best big wave in Southern California, easily. A
right point, only breaks when a huge north winter swell is running.
Lots of kelp outside keeps it smooth. An amazing set up and wave,
spectacular setting.
BeachGrit: What sorta run ins have you
had?
I’ve seen or heard about more than I’ve personally had: rocks,
demolished cars, stolen everything, fights, court cases, it’s ugly.
Grown, outta-shape, men acting like three year olds. No, actually
three years olds act better. My wave, my beach, my ocean! Most
are, at best, very average surfers who would not stand out anywhere
they surfed. And guys that can barely surf with their too-long guns
with torn black wetsuits will spend their entire session taking off
in front of non-belongers, forcing them into the rocks and
urchins. Fun way to spend your session, hey?
The wave, the set-up, it’s travel magazine stuff. Beautiful and
beyond pricey real-estate. A lot of trust-fund babies with babies
of their own. I stayed awhile in a house just up from the Bay that
was famous because the lawyer who defended Sirhan Sirhan owned the
house. Sirhan shot and killed Robert Kennedy minutes after he had
won the state of California’s presidential primary, but that’s a
different article.
BeachGrit: What’s the wildest stuff, specifically,
you’ve seen?
Carson: Lots of ugly, dumb shit. Localism taken to the absurd
extreme. The only way you can kinda rationalize it is well, thats
them, they are just as big a kook, asshole and jerk wether they are
driving, standing in a check-out line, ordering fast food, on
dates, at parties, at their kids sporting event or attempting to
surf. Always miserable, always jerks. Always assholes.
BeachGrit: The surf media, like me and my ilk, don’t
touch it. Why’s that, y’think?
Carson: It has been said that localism works. If it does, and if
you take some kind of comfort in that, well Lunada Bay could be the
poster child. Threats to photographers, mags and all others have
been effective. It’s ghetto warfare there, somehow these losers
found the wrong sport.
The irony is, of course, they’re rich enough to travel to all
the exotic places and ruin someones else’s local break during
California’s summer months when not a single ridable wave
happens.
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"You sweat to punchy background music and there's a
large display with life-size images of waves to believe you're in
Hawaii! The legs, arms and buttocks are ultra solicited throughout
the session." Better than circumcision and speed!
“We Test SurfSet Fitness and We
Adore!”
By Derek Rielly
Not us, but Marie Claire France. Go to Paris to
improve your surf game!
I go to Marie Claire France for many things:
the amour et sexo, the latest photos from the festival de
Cannes and the occasional long-form story on le sexe anal pour
pimenter sa vie sexuelle. How did I ever live without Google
Translate?
What I didn’t expect to find today was a compelling video piece
on the American invention, the RipSurfer X, an out-of-water device
“designed to simulate the physical demands of surfing without the
ocean. Torch body fat, build lean muscle & get a ripped core with
our signature surf-inspired workouts you can watch from home.”
If you’re in Paris, maybe you’re on a layover ‘tween European
travels or you’re en route to Hossegor, you can swing over to the
eighth arrondissement and for 30 Euros actually improve your surf
game.
“You sweat to punchy background music and there’s a large
display with life-size images of waves to believe you’re in Hawaii!
The legs, arms and buttocks are ultra solicited throughout the
session.”
