A nine-day, live-in course on Kauai! Only $2500!
I once came across an advertisement for a “Surf and Sports Writers Workshop” being hosted at the Turtle Bay, on Oahu. For only $895 I could attend a five-day clinic and learn from the very best.
There’d be lectures and box lunches and a bus to take you to the beach where you’d do “field work.” You’d be schooled in the craft by The Inertia’s Ted Endo and some chick from ESPN! True luminaries! But, sadly, writing about surfing doesn’t pay enough to learn how to write about surfing, so I had to forego what would have surely been a life altering experience.
Despite this handicap I, nevertheless, managed to claw my way to the very heights of the surf journalism industry. Every day my words are read by dozens of people, some of who aren’t even related to me! And my Facebook “likes” sometimes number as many as ten!
Then I heard about the college class that Sam and Matt George are conducting in Bali (click here) which actually seems like a not too bad way for a college-aged kid to piss away his parents’ hard earned money.
The guys are good writers, the class provides college credit, and considering it includes food and lodging, it is fairly priced. Sure, they made the odd decision of incudling Allan Weisbecker’s self indulgent abortion of a second novel in the curriculum (click here), but nothing’s perfect.
Of course, I’m not going myself. I hated school, and the only college-age kids I want to spend any time with are the ones I lure into my home with smiles and empty promises.
But I can, and plan to, cash in on the idea.
Which is why I’m proud to announce the first session of Rory Parker’s Kauai Spare Room Learning Academy for Surfboard Writers. For only $2500 you can enroll in my intensive nine-day course that will show you the in an outs of achieving surf writer success.
Lodging is provided in the form of cozy bunk bed style living, in my home nestled in the beautiful mountains of the Garden Isle. Classes will be small, no more than eight students per session, mainly due to the fact that I don’t think I could fit any more people in my spare bedroom.
Rory Parker’s Kauai Spare Room Learning Academy for Surfboard Writers- Summer Session
Accredited in partnership with Bob Jones University*
Section 1: Lifestyle
Lecture: Finding that perfect spouse
How to attract and maintain a relationship with someone capable of earning a steady income.
Assignment: Students will be tasked with creating a Tinder profile that portrays them in a suitably “artsy” fashion and guided in the proper selection of suitably wealthy candidates most likely to indulge a “creative” life partner.
Lecture: Embracing the menial
How to rationalize poor career choices in the light of artistic expression.
Assignment: Clean my house and do my yard work in preparation for the coming years of temporary part time labor
Includes phone hassling, physical intimidation, and personal confrontation.
Assignment: Students will call someone who owes them money and verbally berate them until paypal’d the balance due.
Section 2: Creative process
Lecture: Kill yourself, faggot
Audience interaction in the Internet age.
Assignment: Students will be guided in creating sock puppet accounts, with which they will harass fellow writers anonymously. Extra credit will be given to anyone who can convince their target to self-harm
Lecture: Paying rent in “exposure”
Why working for free is a worthwhile pursuit.
Assignment: Students will be denied meals while being forced to create content for a third party.
Lecture: Everything is always okay!
How to avoid negative characterizations in your writing.
Assignment: Write a 1500 word article hyping this year’s US Open of Surfing.
Section 3: Going along to get along
Lecture: To shill or not to shill
Learning to subvert the creative process in search of advertising revenue.
Assignment: Students will be tasked with turning a print advertisement into a 500-word advertorial about their respective products
Lecture: Brain rape
How to side step the creative process by stealing others’ work.
Assignment: 250 word article that serves to justify ripping content from an outside source.
Lecture: Form over function
Using sesquipedalian writing to disguise shallow content.
Assignment: Students will be tasked with turning a 200-word piece of copy into something resembling prose using only online thesauruses.
Space is limited, so get those $1000 non refundable deposits sent in ASAP!
* Rory Parker’s Kauai Spare Room Learning Academy for Surfboard Writers makes no claims regarding actual accreditation. Students are to understand that course credits will most likely be non-transferable