"You sweat to punchy background music and there's a
large display with life-size images of waves to believe you're in
Hawaii! The legs, arms and buttocks are ultra solicited throughout
the session." Better than circumcision and speed!
Not us, but Marie Claire France. Go to Paris to
improve your surf game!
I go to Marie Claire France for many things:
the amour et sexo, the latest photos from the festival de
Cannes and the occasional long-form story on le sexe anal pour
pimenter sa vie sexuelle. How did I ever live without Google
Translate?
What I didn’t expect to find today was a compelling video piece
on the American invention, the RipSurfer X, an out-of-water device
“designed to simulate the physical demands of surfing without the
ocean. Torch body fat, build lean muscle & get a ripped core with
our signature surf-inspired workouts you can watch from home.”
If you’re in Paris, maybe you’re on a layover ‘tween European
travels or you’re en route to Hossegor, you can swing over to the
eighth arrondissement and for 30 Euros actually improve your surf
game.
“You sweat to punchy background music and there’s a large
display with life-size images of waves to believe you’re in Hawaii!
The legs, arms and buttocks are ultra solicited throughout the
session.”
Jill Hansen is the Hawaiian surfer and "model"
who was charged last year with second-degree attempted murder after
a 73-year-old Hawaii woman was seriously injured after being struck
by a hit-and-run driver in the garage of her own apartment
building. In 2010, Ms Hansen spoke at TEDx on supernaturalism,
divinity, omnipresence, telekinesis and spirituality. Like,
yike!
Memories: When Jill Hansen spoke at TEDx
about “God”
Jill Hansen is the Hawaiian surfer and "model"
charged last year with the attempted murder of an old lady. Like
yike!
I’ll be totally honest, I’m not a huge fan of the whole
TED talk deal. While it’s great to hear from
talented, amazing people, the majority of them aren’t the greatest
of public speakers and you kinda gotta be if you expect people to
sit and listen to you talk for an extended period.
I like TEDx slightly more.
TEDx is the independent, pretty-much-anyone-can-do-it cousin to
real TED, and its more inclusive nature makes for some beautiful
train wrecks. Like the glorious trip through delusion that was Jill
Hansen’s TEDx insanity.
Since last September, Jill has been confined to a psychiatric
hospital where they are seeking to medicate her into a semblance of
sanity sufficient to put her on trial for the attempted murder of a
73-three-year-old woman, but you can expect to see more of her in
the news in coming months. Apparently the drugs worked!
Until then, do yourself a favor and take eighteen minutes from
your day and tune into her TEDx ramblings. (Press the play
button on the photo and then click on the YouTube logo.)
From TEDx: “Covering the topics of supernaturalism,
divinity, omnipresence, telekinesis and spirituality, Jill wishes
to share her experiences as a seeking student of the great
“CREATOR”. Story telling a few of her “super- natural” experiences
that brought her to realizing GOD, Jill would like to “pay it
forward” by sharing the answers she found to some of her greater
questions. Jill will also share how her business was “divinely
inspired” and the process by which it developed as part of a “GOD”
thing.
Where’s your god now Jill?
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Chris Burkard spins on the joys of surfing in ice-cold
water. | Photo: TED
The surf-adventure photographer on "the joys of
surfing ice-cold water!" Wait, there's joy?
You know what a TED conference is, yeah? Okay,
I’ll imagine y’don’t. TED stands for Technology, Entertainment,
Design). And it’s a series of conferences that take place around
the world. Real prestigious. Presidents, Nobel Prize winners, all
sorts of cats get on the mic.
With a max of 18 minutes talk time under their belt, some of the
most compelling human beings (and yeah, some spectacular bores,
too, but mostly it’s good) sound off in a sing-song story-telling
style on science and culture.
And, just released, is the speech the 29-year-old Californian
photographer Chris Burkard made on “the joy of surfing in ice-cold
water.”
There’s joy surfing when it’s cold? Who knew!
Let’s dip into the speech midway: “It wasn’t until I traveled to
Norway — (Laughter) — that I really learned to appreciate the cold.
So this is the place where some of the largest, the most violent
storms in the world send huge waves smashing into the coastline. We
were in this tiny, remote fjord, just inside the Arctic Circle. It
had a greater population of sheep than people, so help if we needed
it was nowhere to be found. I was in the water taking pictures of
surfers, and it started to snow. And then the temperature began to
drop. And I told myself, there’s not a chance you’re getting out of
the water. You traveled all this way, and this is exactly what
you’ve been waiting for: freezing cold conditions with perfect
waves. And although I couldn’t even feel my finger to push the
trigger, I knew I wasn’t getting out. So I just did whatever I
could. I shook it off, whatever. But that was the point that I felt
this wind gush through the valley and hit me, and what started as
this light snowfall quickly became a full-on blizzard, and I
started to lose perception of where I was. I didn’t know if I was
drifting out to sea or towards shore, and all I could really make
out was the faint sound of seagulls and crashing waves.
“Now, I knew this place had a reputation for sinking ships and
grounding planes, and while I was out there floating, I started to
get a little bit nervous. Actually, I was totally freaking out —
(Laughter) — and I was borderline hypothermic, and my friends
eventually had to help me out of the water. And I don’t know if it
was delirium setting in or what, but they told me later I had a
smile on my face the entire time.
San Clemente's Ian Crane tears to little pieces the
mercury ridden water of the Great Lakes. With zing!
The Great Lakes are a series of interconnected
freshwater lakes on the border of the US and Canada. Think
Chicago (Lake Michigan), Toronto (Lake Ontario). Think Detroit.
Think industrial. Think mercury in the water. Birth defects.
Unhappy fish. It ain’t Indonesia.
But if the wind blows enough, waves will discharge themselves.
And they’re interesting enough. Fresh water means less buoyancy but
less drag. And no sharks!
Here we see San Clemente’s Ian Crane squeeze out a shuv-it in
between laborious turns in the cold water and even a bonus sequence
of a kook being bounced on some rocks.
Leave your serious at home! This is strictly for
laughs!
In the comments of last week’s installment of
Ordinary Kooks and their Extraordinary
Wipeouts, I was lucky enough to be given a
free psychiatric diagnosis by an online mental health expert.
“I know you’re trying to be funny and you may be a proud,
skilled waterman,” the doctor wrote, “but the way you describe the
joy, satisfaction and self validation that you get from watching
ordinary men (and women) fear for their lives and become injured…
it’s scary man. Your article wreaks [sic] of a true blue
psychopath, waterman or not.”
While this is hardly the first time someone has expressed that
sentiment in regards to my supposed lack of empathy I was, perhaps
understandably, hesitant to accept the initial diagnosis. After
all, it wasn’t long ago that I was nearly killed by a misdiagnosed
skull infection, from which I took away the conviction that you
should always seek a second opinion.
I’ve always been slightly concerned that setting foot in a
shrink’s office will find me temporarily confined for a 72-hour
observation and so I decided to seek out some top-notch testing
online. Using the power of the internet would ensure I got a
trustworthy diagnosis, as well as provide enough anonymity to quell
my fear of straight jackets and court-ordered medication.
Since I’ve always tried to live by the rule, “If you can’t
change it, revel in it,” here’s a second helping of delicious
schadenfreude. Because the only thing better than having something
good happen to you is seeing something bad happen to someone
else.
This goes from bad to worse astonishingly quickly. Good thing
she thought to wear a helmet.
Sometimes you get caught, and some times are worse than
others.
This baby’s got it all! A little kid in Speedos, a pair of big
ol’ milk floppers bouncing about and a drunk woman nearly drowning
in six inches of water.
There’s just something enthralling about watching a person panic
and turn a minor mishap into a near death experience.
I’ve always enjoyed watching people get hammered by surges they
aren’t expecting. Waimea on a decent swell is a great spot for it.
Wedge is too. Post up well away from the berm, crack a cold beer,
and watch a bunch of fools get periodically smoked by a churning
melange of sand and salt water.
There are a lot of failed rock jump videos on the web and a
common thread among them is that half second of hesitation that
ends in an ass beating.
But, if you commit, you can occasionally salvage a dire
situation. Boogie bro here came pretty close to snuffing it, maybe
next time he’ll learn to time sets a tad better.
I hope you enjoyed watching the videos as much I enjoyed
compiling them.
Until next time, here’s a little kid eating shit…
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Jon Pyzel and Matt Biolos by
@theneedforshutterspeed/Step Bros
