Will this camera cost Kai Neville, Joe G., Blake
Kueny, et. al. their jobs? Probably yes!
If this doesn’t amaze you then you are a drug
abuser in the throes of withdrawal because, even for the crustiest
of souls, this is amazing. You throw it in the air. It follows you.
It can get wet. It lands in your hand when finished. And it shoots
1080p high definition images of you doing your thang.
The 7th Bomber Wing, in the United States Air Force, has the
motto “Death From Above.” The Lily Camera, with cute eyes winking,
is “Narcissism From Above.”
And guess what Narcissism From Above costs? A mere $500 United
States dollars. So accessible! I will admit, even though I own
GoPro, that every time I see a motherfucker surfing with a
camera mounted on surfboard nose I try to burn. But if I saw a
motherfucker surfing with a Lily whirring overhead I would
recognize his or her superiority and maybe paddle in.
Do you want to own Narcissism From Above? What would you film?
How quickly would you get arrested for filming that?
The days of throwing only one shaka are over, CJ
Hobgood!
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How about that? You're sitting on one of Air
NZ's old Boeings, shuffling through old magazines, looking around
for your headphones and sleepers and this thing comes on. Y'can be
cynical or you can smile a little and think… yeah… this is
good…
Air New Zealand Socks It Out of the
Park!
By Beau Andrews
Mick Fanning, Gabriel Medina, Anastasia Ashley,
Alana Blanchard and Laird (swoon!) in best airline safety video
ever!
I thought the WSL and professional surfing had made it
big when it was getting a weekly mention in the Northern
Territory’s finest publication, the NT News. I felt proud…
the sport was going somewhere.
I was wrong, horribly wrong.
I now know that the sport has really made it because some of its
finest surfers, including current world champ Gabriel Medina and
maybe 2015 champ Mick Fanning, have reached the staggering heights
of fronting the latest Air New Zealand inflight safety ad.
To summarise though:
To the light and breezy ‘Young Folks’ by Peter, Bjorn
and John, Alana Blanchard tells us to obey the
cabin crew. She also instructs us on the proper use of a
seatbelt.
Anastasia Ashley then demonstrates how to
operate an oxygen mask and makes some grom’s day by fixing one upon
him once she has secured her own.
It gets better though! With four world titles between them,
Mick and Gab’s show us what to do in the unlikely event of an
emergency, using their surfboards. Then Mick, racing along a wave,
tells us that it’s easy to put a life jacket on.
Ricardo Christie and Laird Hamilton drive around the West Coast
of NZ oozing steeze. Laird rocks the hydrofoil board at Raglan, and
at the end, with the gravitas that only Laird’s capable of, tells
us “Kia ora, thanks for watching.”
It’s a delight!
My girl was disappointed though,
“Where’s Occy?” she said.
But what does she know? I love it, the country will love it, and
visitors will love it. It’s a win for surfing!
Professional surfing’s warriors now feature alongside such
illustrious company as Jack Black, the cast of The Hobbit,
Sports Illustrated models, the All Blacks and aerobics
extraordinaire, Richard Simmons in fronting such a campaign.
Professional surfing has reached its pinnacle!
I’m sure our beloved pro surfer warriors were paid handsomely
for their time, and I am glad they were, they deserve it. As a NZ
tax-payer with a 51% share in Air New Zealand (she’s partially
state-owned), I’m glad that Air New Zealand are cutting services to
the provinces in favour of paying for surfing’s greatest. Because
as a surfer I can hold my head high knowing that, living
vicariously through the pros, I’ve made it and you’ve made it
too.
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Watching ordinary folks barely escaping quadriplegia is
comedy gold!
Ordinary Kooks and their Extraordinary
Wipeouts!
By Rory Parker
The joy in your heart will last forever. Better
than fat gals falling over!
My stepmother, Laurie, is an amazing
waterwoman. She’s one of those lunatics who actually
enjoys paddling and she spends her free time in an outrigger canoe
grinding her way through the open ocean. I’m very proud of her, and
more than a little in awe. Stroking your way across the Molokai
Channel is for crazy people, I want nothing to do with that stretch
of water.
Many years ago, when I was nineteen or twenty, my father and I
were sitting on a jetty on Catalina Island, waiting for her to
finish a race. It was a beautiful day, we had a twelve-pack of cold
Miller High Life that we’d overpaid for in an Avalon market and
while we waited and drank we watched a beginner group of SCUBA
divers dorking around in the water next to us.
The SCUBA area was a roughly twenty by fifty foot area
surrounded by a buoy/net contraption, totally devoid of even the
tiniest of swell. Which was why we were surprised when a woman
surfaced, looked at us, and began screaming for help.
It was winter, the water was somewhere in the low-fifties, and
there was no way we were going in after her. And, anyway, she was
no more than ten feet away from the safety of the jetty.
“Swim to the rock,” we yelled, “You’re not in any danger.”
“Help me!” she shouted.
“No, just swim to the rock.”
What happened next was a stunning display of the contagious
nature of panic. The guy next to her began yelling for help as well
and, again, we refused to jump fully clothed into freezing cold
water in order to drag them a few feet to safety. Not that they
were actually in danger, the entire time they were yelling they
were also treading water without difficulty.
They both, eventually, swam the short distance to the jetty. The
woman proceeded to hold onto a rock and sob, but her fellow had
better plans. He attempted to climb up the boulders onto the little
paved area upon which we sat. It was actually rather impressive,
with all his gear still attached, including his oversized open heel
fins, he nearly made it. But only nearly.
Watching him lose his grip and fall backwards, bashing himself a
few times before gravity returned him to the murky depths which had
so terrified him, took only seconds, but the joy in my heart made
it last forever.
While I don’t have it on video (this was long before digital
recorders were ubiquitous), I’ve collected a few videos that
capture the essence of the day. Some are more brutal than others,
but they’re all funny as all hell.
If you’ve spent any time on the North Shore during the
winter you’ll be familiar with exactly how terrifying
Sharks Cove can be during a run of large swell. The sheer
obliviousness that a person would need to possess in order to walk
all the way to the end of the natural breakwater is mind
boggling.
The actor that played Greg Brady was, apparently, a
pretty good surfer. This incident, however, was totally
unscripted. Serves him right for stealing a tiki god from da
‘aina.
I don’t know how you turn a flat day into a near-death
experience, but this guy does an excellent job. And
there’s just so much going on! From the glasses tied to his wetsuit
string, to the worried total stranger, to the kids laughing as
their father barely escapes becoming a quadriplegic, this is pure
gold.
We’re in Hawaii! Wow, it’s so warm and pretty!
Look, Bob, there’s coconuts growing on that tree! How nice! You
know what would make this trip perfect? A fun day at the beach.
Let’s go pick up some of those boogieboards at Walmart and head
down to Why-uh-me-uh, the guy at the hotel said the beach is the
best on the North Shore.
This video was posted in 2007, but I can
guarantee that a day doesn’t go by without this dude feeling the
burning shame of its memory. The only thing worse than a beating
over sharp rocks is doing it in front of a laughing, and filming,
peanut gallery.
Stay tuned for part two. There’s no shortage of this stuff on
the internet.
And, if I ever run out, I can just use videos of fat
people falling down
Pure comedy gold!
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Matt Wilkinson slept with………
By Chas Smith
You are totally going to DIE!
…..it’s a really funny story but I’m going to keep it to myself.
In the meantime you should really watch this because it is great,
for one, and the song is perfect, for two!
You’ve already seen this gem on StabStitch and
Surfing-Er and, if you are 43 and drive a Toyota Corolla
and dream of moving out of mother’s house, The Inertia.
But it is worth seeing it here because I love Damien Hobgood.
Damien Hobgood is possibly the greatest man on earth and tied as
my favorite surfer with CJ Hobgood. I saw him at Souplantation just
the other day because my 2¼ year old daughter thinks it is heaven
even though it is, quite possibly hell.
Souplantation, if you don’t know, is a buffet of salad and soup
and pretend pizza. My 2¼ year old daughter loves the peas and the
noodles from the chicken soup. I like none of it. But I take her at
least twice a week because she is souper cute. And just the other
day I walked in and there was Damo and his three children and his
wife. He and his wife looked very tired but they were such grand
parents to the children and we all laughed about many things and
they made me happy to be at Souplantation.
The moral of this story is kids make you tired, don’t go to
Souplantation if you can help it, but if you do go pray that Damien
and family are there. And get barreled.
