horrific wipeouts
Watching ordinary folks barely escaping quadriplegia is comedy gold!

Ordinary Kooks and their Extraordinary Wipeouts!

The joy in your heart will last forever. Better than fat gals falling over!

My stepmother, Laurie, is an amazing waterwoman. She’s one of those lunatics who actually enjoys paddling and she spends her free time in an outrigger canoe grinding her way through the open ocean. I’m very proud of her, and more than a little in awe. Stroking your way across the Molokai Channel is for crazy people, I want nothing to do with that stretch of water.

Many years ago, when I was nineteen or twenty, my father and I were sitting on a jetty on Catalina Island, waiting for her to finish a race. It was a beautiful day, we had a twelve-pack of cold Miller High Life that we’d overpaid for in an Avalon market and while we waited and drank we watched a beginner group of SCUBA divers dorking around in the water next to us.

The SCUBA area was a roughly twenty by fifty foot area surrounded by a buoy/net contraption, totally devoid of even the tiniest of swell. Which was why we were surprised when a woman surfaced, looked at us, and began screaming for help.

It was winter, the water was somewhere in the low-fifties, and there was no way we were going in after her. And, anyway, she was no more than ten feet away from the safety of the jetty.

“Swim to the rock,” we yelled, “You’re not in any danger.”

“Help me!” she shouted.

“No, just swim to the rock.”

What happened next was a stunning display of the contagious nature of panic. The guy next to her began yelling for help as well and, again, we refused to jump fully clothed into freezing cold water in order to drag them a few feet to safety. Not that they were actually in danger, the entire time they were yelling they were also treading water without difficulty.

They both, eventually, swam the short distance to the jetty. The woman proceeded to hold onto a rock and sob, but her fellow had better plans. He attempted to climb up the boulders onto the little paved area upon which we sat. It was actually rather impressive, with all his gear still attached, including his oversized open heel fins, he nearly made it. But only nearly.

Watching him lose his grip and fall backwards, bashing himself a few times before gravity returned him to the murky depths which had so terrified him, took only seconds, but the joy in my heart made it last forever.

While I don’t have it on video (this was long before digital recorders were ubiquitous), I’ve collected a few videos that capture the essence of the day. Some are more brutal than others, but they’re all funny as all hell.

If you’ve spent any time on the North Shore during the winter you’ll be familiar with exactly how terrifying Sharks Cove can be during a run of large swell. The sheer obliviousness that a person would need to possess in order to walk all the way to the end of the natural breakwater is mind boggling.

(Click here) 

Ever seen a drunk fat woman nearly drown in knee-deep water? Well, if not, now you have. Her cries for help are what make this one for me.

(Click here)

The actor that played Greg Brady was, apparently, a pretty good surfer. This incident, however, was totally unscripted. Serves him right for stealing a tiki god from da ‘aina.

I don’t know how you turn a flat day into a near-death experience, but this guy does an excellent job. And there’s just so much going on! From the glasses tied to his wetsuit string, to the worried total stranger, to the kids laughing as their father barely escapes becoming a quadriplegic, this is pure gold.

We’re in Hawaii! Wow, it’s so warm and pretty! Look, Bob, there’s coconuts growing on that tree! How nice! You know what would make this trip perfect? A fun day at the beach. Let’s go pick up some of those boogieboards at Walmart and head down to Why-uh-me-uh, the guy at the hotel said the beach is the best on the North Shore.

This video was posted in 2007, but I can guarantee that a day doesn’t go by without this dude feeling the burning shame of its memory. The only thing worse than a beating over sharp rocks is doing it in front of a laughing, and filming, peanut gallery.

Stay tuned for part two. There’s no shortage of this stuff on the internet.

And, if I ever run out, I can just use videos of fat people falling down

 

Pure comedy gold!


Matt Wilkinson slept with………

You are totally going to DIE!

…..it’s a really funny story but I’m going to keep it to myself. In the meantime you should really watch this because it is great, for one, and the song is perfect, for two!

WILKINSON from Nick Pollet on Vimeo.


One Day at Souplantation with Damo Hobgood

A buffet of barrels.

 

 

 

 


You’ve already seen this gem on StabStitch and Surfing-Er and, if you are 43 and drive a Toyota Corolla and dream of moving out of mother’s house, The Inertia. But it is worth seeing it here because I love Damien Hobgood.

Damien Hobgood is possibly the greatest man on earth and tied as my favorite surfer with CJ Hobgood. I saw him at Souplantation just the other day because my 2¼ year old daughter thinks it is heaven even though it is, quite possibly hell.

Souplantation, if you don’t know, is a buffet of salad and soup and pretend pizza. My 2¼ year old daughter loves the peas and the noodles from the chicken soup. I like none of it. But I take her at least twice a week because she is souper cute. And just the other day I walked in and there was Damo and his three children and his wife. He and his wife looked very tired but they were such grand parents to the children and we all laughed about many things and they made me happy to be at Souplantation.

The moral of this story is kids make you tired, don’t go to Souplantation if you can help it, but if you do go pray that Damien and family are there. And get barreled.


Lex and Justin, new owners of Stab and Magic Seaweed.
Lex Pedersen and Justin Cameron, founders of SurfStitch, the online retailer that scooped up FCS, Stab, among other enterprises. Now this gorgeous coupling has split. Is good? Is bad?

SurfStitch Buys Stab and Magic Seaweed for $20 mill!

In a split of $13.8 million in cash and 4.8 million shares… 

Ain’t biz just a lottery? One minute you’re on the bones of your ass, sitting at the back of planes, driving sputtering Japanese cars, the next you’re kicking down the door of a new beachfront mansion, multiples of teens plucking at your strange fruit.

Just, like, then, the online surf store SurfStitch bought Stab, a little print mag and online portal your ol pal DR started in 2004 and sold six years later (Duh!), and Magic Seaweed, the second-biggest surf site in the world after Surfline, in a deal worth $13.98 million cash and 4.8 million SurfStitch shares.

According to the Australian Financial Review, “SurfStitch chief executive and co-founder Justin Cameron is hopeful that in addition to reducing the company’s reliance on external marketing channels, the two acquisitions will deliver revenue synergies as content on both sites will drive sales to SurfStitch and promote repeat visitation across all platforms.

SurfStitch’s demonstrated global leadership in action sports and youth culture apparel is greatly enhanced with the addition of Magicseaweed and Stab Magazine,” he said.

“These highly complementary acquisitions represent the voice of SurfStitch‘s core audience, connecting us with our customers and providing us greater insight into their preferences, influences and purchasing behaviour.”

“Mr Cameron added that SurfStitch’s mission is to become the global destination for action sports and youth lifestyle content and online retail.

“Combined with our recent launch of ‘The Lens’, the acquisitions will further SurfStitch‘s global content driven strategy to provide relevant and engaging content to our growing active customer base,” he said.

“A fully-underwritten institutional placement of 25 million shares – representing 11.7 per cent of issued capital and priced at $1.50 per share – will raise the needed $37.5 million cash to pay for Stab and Magicseaweed. This represents a 3.2 per cent discount to SurfStich last close of $1.55 per share.”


Afro-Studs Rule Day One at Brazil Pro!

Gabriel, Filipe (natch), Italo, Wiggoly, Adriano and Jadson cuckold world tour!

Rio de Janeiro is a famous place. A bay of the sea, almost a perfect semi-circle. A megalopolis of six-million people. A city in a country built on the back of slaving so energetic it makes the US’s own past look quaintly dull.

Hot, too, mostly, but not today, not when the temperature hovered at 71 degrees all day, all night. A place of stimulus and excitement. Where inquisitive mouths will kiss every inch of your body if only you allow yourself the physical freedom Brazil demands. The body in Brazil is tropical! Fire! The blood is hot, the body luscious to the kiss.

It’s the country where male tourists, sometimes attached pro surfers, are invariably cuckolded by the splendid physical specimens prancing along the beach in gaily coloured trunks that make even BeachGrit swoon with jealous.

And therefore, what a fitting place for Brazil’s afro-studs to assert the heroic underdog narrative. The Brazilian can’t afford to put things off. He must stop the whole show… NOW… and grasp the reins of this historic opportunity.

Let’s investigate the non-surprising results from yesterday’s opening gambit, Oi Rio Pro, event number four in the Men’s Samsung Galaxy Championship Tour.

Wiggoly Dantas beat John John, Gabriel beat Freddy P, Italo beat Mick Fanning, Adriano beat Kai Otton, Jadson beat Josh Kerr and Dusty Payne, Filipe beat Kolohe and Melling.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lF57960UyYI

And Kelly Slater? For the first real time this year he kicked his motor over and was aroused to heat. Two high nines while Ace Buchan and Ricardo Christie waited til he’d finished before gobbling up his cream pie.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBIMs7R-vMo

Oi Rio Men’s Pro Round 1 Results:Heat 1: Jeremy Flores (FRA) 12.17, Brett Simpson (USA) 12.07, Taj Burrow (AUS) 6.30Heat 2: Kelly Slater (USA) 19.27, Adrian Buchan (AUS) 12.06, Ricardo Christie (NZL) 11.76

Heat 3: Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) 15.97, John John Florence (HAW) 10.66, C.J. Hobgood (USA) 9.94

Heat 4: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 12.33, Freddy Patacchia Jr. (HAW) 7.77, Alejo Muniz (BRA) 4.90

Heat 5: Italo Ferreira (BRA) 14.07, Mick Fanning (AUS) 9.33,  Alex Ribeiro (BRA) 2.47

Heat 6: Adriano de Souza (BRA) 17.90, Kai Otton (AUS) 11.60, David do Carmo (BRA) 5.67

Heat 7: Jadson Andre (BRA) 14.04, Josh Kerr (AUS) 11.97, Dusty Payne (HAW) 10.03

Heat 8: Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 12.06, Jordy Smith (ZAF) 10.67, Keanu Asing (HAW) 10.60

Heat 9: Bede Durbidge (AUS) 14.84, Glenn Hall (IRL) 11.94, Nat Young (USA) 6.17

Heat 10: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 16.27, Kolohe Andino (USA) 11.93, Adam Melling (AUS) 8.40

Heat 11: Matt Banting (AUS) 9.76, Miguel Pupo (BRA) 9.26, Julian Wilson (AUS) 9.10

Heat 12: Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 14.96, Joel Parkinson (AUS) 13.47, Owen Wright (AUS) 10.34

Oi Rio Men’s Pro Round 2 Match-Ups:

Heat 1: Mick Fanning (AUS) vs. David do Carmo (BRA)

Heat 2: John John Florence (HAW) vs. Alex Ribeiro (BRA)

Heat 3: Taj Burrow (AUS) vs. Alejo Muniz (BRA)

Heat 4: Josh Kerr (AUS) vs. C.J. Hobgood (USA)

Heat 5: Jordy Smith (ZAF) vs. Ricardo Christie (NZL)

Heat 6: Nat Young (USA) vs. Brett Simpson (USA)

Heat 7: Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. Dusty Payne (HAW)

Heat 8: Joel Parkinson (AUS) vs. Keanu Asing (HAW)

Heat 9: Owen Wright (AUS) vs. Glenn Hall (IRL)

Heat 10: Miguel Pupo (BRA) vs. Adam Melling (AUS)

Heat 11: Kolohe Andino (USA) vs. Kai Otton (AUS)

Heat 12: Adrian Buchan (AUS) vs. Fredrick Patacchia (HAW)