Dane Reynolds Kelly Slater
Wheel away the silk-lined caskets. Stifle that anguished wail. Rip up those obituaries. Dane, Kelly, they're back! | Photo: Morgan Maassen

Reynolds, Slater prowl for orgies, Day two, Fiji!

Obituaries written prematurely!

Who doesn’t love writing a sportsman’s obit? When are you going to retire? How y’gonna pull yourself out of that slump? Are you done?

Dane Reynolds, remember him? After Snapper, we were ready to put underwear on his corpse. Once a brute with bulgy thigh muscles who mesmerised; now a slow ol’ chump. Out of the game!

But today, round two, Fiji Pro. How deep we inhaled those buried to the hilt turns and the spice of his greatness. I was dizzy with a hot roaring in my head.

Watch here!

And Kelly, almost ready to hit the one-stars to requalify, swept past Jay Davies with a cold indifference. The beautiful bastard is back!

Watch here!

The rest of it? A highlight reel? Here!

And how about a lil taste of Andy Irons… don’t blubber… he’s immortal.

Fiji Pro Round 2 Results:

Heat 1: Adriano de Souza (BRA) 13.50 def. Inia Nakalevu (FJI) 6.87

Heat 2: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 10.70 def. Aca Ravulo (FJI) 8.86

Heat 3: Dane Reynolds (USA) 15.00 def. Josh Kerr (AUS) 14.10

Heat 4: Kelly Slater (USA) 18.70 def. Jay Davies (AUS) 9.47

Heat 5: Owen Wright (AUS) 10.10 def. Aritz Aranburu (ESP) 9.03

Upcoming Fiji Pro Round 2 Match-Ups:

Heat 6: Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. C.J. Hobgood (USA)

Heat 7: Bede Durbidge (AUS) vs. Dusty Payne (HAW)

Heat 8: Joel Parkinson (AUS) vs. Glenn Hall (IRL)

Heat 9: Matt Wilkinson (AUS) vs. Adam Melling (AUS)

Heat 10: Miguel Pupo (BRA) vs. Fredrick Patacchia (HAW)

Heat 11: Jeremy Flores (AUS) vs. Ricardo Christie (NZL)

Heat 12: Kolohe Andino (USA) vs. Matt Banting (AUS)

Shawn Barron
From the Santa Cruz Sentinel: "Barron had 20 nanograms of meth per milliliter of blood. That’s not considered a drug overdose, according to Santa Cruz County sheriff’s detective Nick Baldridge. Barron apparently used meth close to the time he died or used a “decent” amount of it before then and it remained in his system."

Just in: Shawn Barron’s death linked to meth

But defs not an overdose, says coroner… 

The Santa Cruz Sentinel reports today that Shawn “Barney” Barron’s autopsy report has come back positive for meth.

According to the Santa Cruz County coroner, Barney died from a “rupture in his heart facilitated by methamphetamine use.”

Surely Barney lived a radical life. Along with his Westside brethren, the dude spent nearly twenty-five years getting weird, from Mavs to Mexico and everywhere in between.

Barney collapsed and died at home on May 5. The autopsy report says he had “20 nanograms of meth per milliliter of blood” which apparently is a fairly small amount. Which is to say, he didn’t overdose. Santa Cruz Country Sherrif Nick Baldbrige said Barney had  “used meth close to the time he died or used a “decent” amount of it before then and it remained in his system.”

But many are unqilling to concede Barney’s death was caused by drug use.

Barney came up the ranks alongside Nor Cal heavies like Flea, Peter Mel, and Anthony Ruffo. Since the release of Josh Pomer’s 2010 documentary Westsiders — which chronicles the group’s meth-fueled charging throughout the 90’s and 2000’s — many of the Santa Cruz boys have proudly flown their sober flags high. (Click here.) 

Barney’s Pops defended his son, claiming “[Barney]was not a drug addict. He could have died surfing or riding a bike. The heart attack was coming.”

Close pal Flea said Barney had been clearing weeds from a dusty property in Bonny Doon. His heart rate likely was up from the hard work, and he coughed much of the way home.

“Certain parts of your life are harder than others. Barney was just getting through it,” Flea told the Sentinel. “It’s just difficult. I don’t want that (meth use) to even come out about Barney. He’s my friend.”

Volcom Stone Presents: The Dawn of the Stone Age by broadbandsports

Andy Irons and the best claim in surfing history

Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

I didn’t catch the contest yesterday but it seems that all is in order and it also seems that no one did anything particularly noteworthy. Andy Irons probably would have. Do you remember, for example, when he shot Dean “Dingo” Morrison multiple times with a shotgun in Tahiti?

There Andy spat out of the barrel and poor Dingo was sitting in the channel and the next thing he knew…four slugs planted in his face and upper body (watch above video minute at 2:48). Ouch.

The kids don’t do that sort of stuff anymore.

But in other news, it appears that Ronnie Blakey is sponsored by Salty Crew and/or any surfer he is interviewing’s sponsor. Have you noticed that he puts on hat/shirt of whoever is across from him? The bonus of a nude Fiji Pro!

Screen Shot 2015-06-12 at 8.53.53 AM

Welcome to the team, Ron!

Strider Wasilewski
Strider Wasilewski, the owner of the greatest tits that ever lived! Sea Bass ain't even game to look at those attack dogs! | Photo: Dave Prodan

Strider’s Steroidal Tits Overwhelm Day One Fiji!

Kelly is deposited into round two (so what's new!), Gabriel makes a sharpish return and we gaze at Strider's attack dog tits!

There’s this thing about sports where every day of an event has to be wrapped in a hero narrative or, if you really can’t be fucked, a listicle. The hero narrative features the hand of god (Snapper), premonitions of victory (Brazil) and the Sea Biscuit effect (whenever Bede wins a couple of heats in a row). Very hard to write (skill, labour, inspiration) and the author almost always has to actually be at the event. Surfing World’s Sean Doherty is particularly good at these.

(Click here) 

The listicle is just a series of unrelated events in point form. Easy to sling together, just scrape a tiny bit of  goop from the webcast, and even quicker to read.

I’m a listicle kind of guy. I find the first three days of a pro event peculiarly laborious: all those sportsmen, all those heats, all those waves, all that judging, so precise and to one thousandth of a point, but… no one loses!  A day-long warmup. A bureaucratic shuffle. A slight arrangement of the chairs on the lido deck. Even better than a listicle, of course, is the video form.

Highlights! In one minute! Like this:

…and did you know CJ Hobgood is retiring? A butterfly among the sand spurs. How we’ll miss!

Quote of the day: “I’ve never seen so many floaters in one round!” Ross Williams.

Fiji Pro Round 1 Results:

Heat 1: Alejo Muniz (BRA) 12.20, Kolohe Andino (USA) 11.54, Kelly Slater (USA) 11.37

Heat 2: Taj Burrow (AUS) 12.33, Matt Banting (AUS) 11.13, Aritz Aranburu (ESP) 10.50

Heat 3: Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) 13.84, Jay Davies (AUS) 13.17, Josh Kerr (AUS) 5.07

Heat 4: Adrian Buchan (AUS) 15.16, Dane Reynolds (USA) 8.53,  Filipe Toledo (BRA) 8.50

Heat 5: Mick Fanning (AUS) 13.77, Ricardo Christie (NZL) 9.26, Aca Ravulo (FJI) 5.40

Heat 6: Kai Otton (AUS) 15.60, Adriano de Souza (BRA) 8.86, Inia Nakalevu (FJI) 5.30

Heat 7: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 17.13, Jeremy Flores (FRA) 13.93, C.J. Hobgood (USA) 10.67

Heat 8: Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 14.00, Owen Wright (AUS) 13.67, Dusty Payne (HAW) 7.50

Heat 9: Nat Young (USA) 13.00, Miguel Pupo (BRA) 11.57, Glenn Hall (IRL) 10.77

Heat 10: Jadson Andre (BRA) 15.17, Adam Melling (AUS) 14.60, Julian Wilson (AUS) 11.34

Heat 11: Keanu Asing (HAW) 11.50, Bede Durbidge (AUS) 10.93, Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 6.33

Heat 12: Italo Ferreira (BRA) 15.97, Joel Parkinson (AUS) 15.20, Fredrick Patacchia (HAW) 11.47

Fiji Pro Round 2 Match-Ups:

Heat 1: Adriano de Souza (BRA) vs. Inia Nakalevu (FJI)

Heat 2: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Aca Ravulo (FJI)

Heat 3: Josh Kerr (AUS) vs. Dane Reynolds (USA)

Heat 4: Kelly Slater (USA) vs. Jay Davies (AUS)

Heat 5: Owen Wright (AUS) vs. Aritz Aranburu (ESP)

Heat 6: Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. C.J. Hobgood (USA)

Heat 7: Bede Durbidge (AUS) vs. Dusty Payne (HAW)

Heat 8: Joel Parkinson (AUS) vs. Glenn Hall (IRL)

Heat 9: Matt Wilkinson (AUS) vs. Adam Melling (AUS)

Heat 10: Miguel Pupo (BRA) vs. Fredrick Patacchia (HAW)

Heat 11: Jeremy Flores (AUS) vs. Ricard Christie (NZL)

Heat 12: Kolohe Andino (USA) vs. Matt Banting (AUS)


Turn your dial to this frequency tomorrow morning for more! (Click here!) 


Yago Dora: Best name in surfing history?

It probably is. Just say it. "Yago Dora." Do you wish it was you? Don't lie.

It might well be. He is Brazilian, in case you didn’t know, and a stone-cold shred. Watch this clip and try to deny. And try to wish you weren’t Brazilian. And try to not be depressed about the state of your life. And try.

Yago Dora!

Not you!