Andy Irons and the best claim in surfing history

Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

I didn’t catch the contest yesterday but it seems that all is in order and it also seems that no one did anything particularly noteworthy. Andy Irons probably would have. Do you remember, for example, when he shot Dean “Dingo” Morrison multiple times with a shotgun in Tahiti?

There Andy spat out of the barrel and poor Dingo was sitting in the channel and the next thing he knew…four slugs planted in his face and upper body (watch above video minute at 2:48). Ouch.

The kids don’t do that sort of stuff anymore.

But in other news, it appears that Ronnie Blakey is sponsored by Salty Crew and/or any surfer he is interviewing’s sponsor. Have you noticed that he puts on hat/shirt of whoever is across from him? The bonus of a nude Fiji Pro!

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Welcome to the team, Ron!

Strider Wasilewski
Strider Wasilewski, the owner of the greatest tits that ever lived! Sea Bass ain't even game to look at those attack dogs! | Photo: Dave Prodan

Strider’s Steroidal Tits Overwhelm Day One Fiji!

Kelly is deposited into round two (so what's new!), Gabriel makes a sharpish return and we gaze at Strider's attack dog tits!

There’s this thing about sports where every day of an event has to be wrapped in a hero narrative or, if you really can’t be fucked, a listicle. The hero narrative features the hand of god (Snapper), premonitions of victory (Brazil) and the Sea Biscuit effect (whenever Bede wins a couple of heats in a row). Very hard to write (skill, labour, inspiration) and the author almost always has to actually be at the event. Surfing World’s Sean Doherty is particularly good at these.

(Click here) 

The listicle is just a series of unrelated events in point form. Easy to sling together, just scrape a tiny bit of  goop from the webcast, and even quicker to read.

I’m a listicle kind of guy. I find the first three days of a pro event peculiarly laborious: all those sportsmen, all those heats, all those waves, all that judging, so precise and to one thousandth of a point, but… no one loses!  A day-long warmup. A bureaucratic shuffle. A slight arrangement of the chairs on the lido deck. Even better than a listicle, of course, is the video form.

Highlights! In one minute! Like this:

…and did you know CJ Hobgood is retiring? A butterfly among the sand spurs. How we’ll miss!

Quote of the day: “I’ve never seen so many floaters in one round!” Ross Williams.

Fiji Pro Round 1 Results:

Heat 1: Alejo Muniz (BRA) 12.20, Kolohe Andino (USA) 11.54, Kelly Slater (USA) 11.37

Heat 2: Taj Burrow (AUS) 12.33, Matt Banting (AUS) 11.13, Aritz Aranburu (ESP) 10.50

Heat 3: Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) 13.84, Jay Davies (AUS) 13.17, Josh Kerr (AUS) 5.07

Heat 4: Adrian Buchan (AUS) 15.16, Dane Reynolds (USA) 8.53,  Filipe Toledo (BRA) 8.50

Heat 5: Mick Fanning (AUS) 13.77, Ricardo Christie (NZL) 9.26, Aca Ravulo (FJI) 5.40

Heat 6: Kai Otton (AUS) 15.60, Adriano de Souza (BRA) 8.86, Inia Nakalevu (FJI) 5.30

Heat 7: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 17.13, Jeremy Flores (FRA) 13.93, C.J. Hobgood (USA) 10.67

Heat 8: Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 14.00, Owen Wright (AUS) 13.67, Dusty Payne (HAW) 7.50

Heat 9: Nat Young (USA) 13.00, Miguel Pupo (BRA) 11.57, Glenn Hall (IRL) 10.77

Heat 10: Jadson Andre (BRA) 15.17, Adam Melling (AUS) 14.60, Julian Wilson (AUS) 11.34

Heat 11: Keanu Asing (HAW) 11.50, Bede Durbidge (AUS) 10.93, Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 6.33

Heat 12: Italo Ferreira (BRA) 15.97, Joel Parkinson (AUS) 15.20, Fredrick Patacchia (HAW) 11.47

Fiji Pro Round 2 Match-Ups:

Heat 1: Adriano de Souza (BRA) vs. Inia Nakalevu (FJI)

Heat 2: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Aca Ravulo (FJI)

Heat 3: Josh Kerr (AUS) vs. Dane Reynolds (USA)

Heat 4: Kelly Slater (USA) vs. Jay Davies (AUS)

Heat 5: Owen Wright (AUS) vs. Aritz Aranburu (ESP)

Heat 6: Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. C.J. Hobgood (USA)

Heat 7: Bede Durbidge (AUS) vs. Dusty Payne (HAW)

Heat 8: Joel Parkinson (AUS) vs. Glenn Hall (IRL)

Heat 9: Matt Wilkinson (AUS) vs. Adam Melling (AUS)

Heat 10: Miguel Pupo (BRA) vs. Fredrick Patacchia (HAW)

Heat 11: Jeremy Flores (AUS) vs. Ricard Christie (NZL)

Heat 12: Kolohe Andino (USA) vs. Matt Banting (AUS)


Turn your dial to this frequency tomorrow morning for more! (Click here!) 


Yago Dora: Best name in surfing history?

It probably is. Just say it. "Yago Dora." Do you wish it was you? Don't lie.

It might well be. He is Brazilian, in case you didn’t know, and a stone-cold shred. Watch this clip and try to deny. And try to wish you weren’t Brazilian. And try to not be depressed about the state of your life. And try.

Yago Dora!

Not you!


Inspiration: Tom Curren on a 5’7 fish!

Paddle out right now and get prog!

1994 was twenty-one years ago. It is old enough to know better but still too young to care. But look at Tom Curren, here, ripping a little 5’7 fish on some big waves! He surfs so smooth and it looks so fun and rolly but then so barrelly. I wish I was doing that right now.

But guess what? I can! I am going to paddle out right now on my little 5’2 Vulcan and pretend that it is glassy and barreling even though it is 2-3 with crap winds and diminishing swell and 17 SUPers.

That is why we watch surf videos. “Hey mom, guess what? Not only am I a professional surfer…I’m  Tom Curren!”

Guess what mom? I’m a professional surfer!

The "Sport of Kings" is so totally egalitarian!

I had a wonderful lunch, yesterday, with a good friend who is also a professional surfer. He told me, while munching a fish taco, that the WQS events are very expensive to do, travel-wise, and that they are getting dropped one after the other because no company wants to sponsor a 1 star. The last three in a row, apparently, have been dropped and some 6 stars too and things are not looking good for the young waterman wanting to scratch on to the big tour.

“Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm…” I thought and then asked, “What is the bar one has to hop over in order to surf in a 1 star?”

His answer shocked me. Nothing! Nothing at all! There is no minimum level of surf talent required in order to surf, professionally, in a surf contest. The only thing one has to do is pay $800 for a membership in some nefarious surf thing and then a $200 registration fee and then, if a 1 star can be found, you or I could slide into a singlet and be officially professional.

Does that not amaze you? Are you behind a desk right now? Are you doing something you loathe? Find your boss right now and scream, “I quit! I am going to do what God put me on this earth to do! I am going to sign up for the Murasaki Shonan Open and, if the WSL runs it, I am going to surf professionally!”

“Oh. And can I get a quick $800 advance on my last paycheck? Thanks.”