Guess what mom? I’m a professional surfer!

The "Sport of Kings" is so totally egalitarian!

I had a wonderful lunch, yesterday, with a good friend who is also a professional surfer. He told me, while munching a fish taco, that the WQS events are very expensive to do, travel-wise, and that they are getting dropped one after the other because no company wants to sponsor a 1 star. The last three in a row, apparently, have been dropped and some 6 stars too and things are not looking good for the young waterman wanting to scratch on to the big tour.

“Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm…” I thought and then asked, “What is the bar one has to hop over in order to surf in a 1 star?”

His answer shocked me. Nothing! Nothing at all! There is no minimum level of surf talent required in order to surf, professionally, in a surf contest. The only thing one has to do is pay $800 for a membership in some nefarious surf thing and then a $200 registration fee and then, if a 1 star can be found, you or I could slide into a singlet and be officially professional.

Does that not amaze you? Are you behind a desk right now? Are you doing something you loathe? Find your boss right now and scream, “I quit! I am going to do what God put me on this earth to do! I am going to sign up for the Murasaki Shonan Open and, if the WSL runs it, I am going to surf professionally!”

“Oh. And can I get a quick $800 advance on my last paycheck? Thanks.”

Just in: “SurferBOYZ” Mtv’s next reality smash!

Starring the cutest surfers on earth!

BeachGrit’s Hollywood insider tells us several of surfing’s most handsome twenty-somethings are courting (or being courted) by MTV.

Balaram Stack, Luke Davis The Grey, Koa Smith, and Ian Crane—boy toys the whole lot—are reportedly meeting today to discuss a “possible reality TV show” with the world’s most insidiously brilliant network.

The mind reels at the possibilities! What a strange smattering of personalities! Will they bunk up somewhere tropical and let the hijinks unfold? Will they snuggle up in the wintry north, with Balaram as their ice-hardened guide? Please, let them be paraded around exotic locales! Let them dance upon waves of whiskey and dark, mysterious women!

The meeting comes at the heels of Mr Davis the Grey’s international debut as SurfCore’s posterboy in this month’s issue of Men’s Journal. You can see the silver fox San Clementian donning Reef’s remarkable line made in collaboration with genius Japanese designer Masafumi Watanabe, looking snap-fresh and more camera-ready than most any surfer in recent memory. Perhaps surfing’s sudden high dive back into international mainstream fashion has something to do with it.

Or maybe MTV has simply forgotten about all their numerous other surfing-related abortions.

Let us remember them in all their blinding brilliance!

Surfer on surfer violence!

GoPro has opened up a whole new world of hurt!

I ran a guy down while surfing Chun’s Reef a few years ago. It was a fun chest to head high day, slightly gooey, very crowded, but the sun was shining, and all the girls from BYU were out knee paddling around in their itsy bitsy bikini bottoms. I think even Brigham Young himself would agree there’s little more wonderful than a taut and tan teenage rear pointed proudly skyward.

I snagged a fun set wave from behind the peak, as I bottomed turned around the section some kid on a new Merrick dropped right in without looking, doing a weak little fade right into my path.

I didn’t see him until the last second. Unable to turn around him I tried to stomp on the tail and apply the brakes, but only succeeded in lifting the nose out of the water enough to spear him in the ass at full speed.

I hit him hard, hard enough to be worried that I may have hurt him fairly badly.

Chun’s is one of those waves where you can’t expect to have any fun at all unless you accept the fact that you’re gonna get stuffed a hundred times by a mix of surf schools students, SoCal blow-throughs, and deluded Town clowns. It’s no big deal, if you want to play serious surfer all you need to do is man up and surf one of the million spots that are shallow and lack a nice deep and easy channel.

After I speared the poor fucker the first thing I did was check the nose of my board. Because priorities, I honestly thought I may have buckled it. Seeing my log was fine I hopped on and sprint paddled over to the moaning barney on the inside to check if he was okay.

The look on his face when he saw me coming was pure comedy. Eyes wide, face white, through his head was running every Hawaii localism lie he’d ever heard. Never mind my haole transplant status, to him I was some red faced, shaved head lunatic who’d just kicked his board at him out of nowhere, come to exact my revenge.

I pulled up short when I realized I’d scared him, asked, “You okay?” He stammered something, apologized. I told him it was no big deal, but be careful. No one wants to get hurt.

This video made the rounds a while back, but it’s worth a rewatch. Attractive lady getting bashed in the gourd by some dude on a rental, all of it captured in stunning wide angle GoPro footage.

The funny thing about filming yourself surfing, the only people really interested in it are those who truly rip, and those who can barely stand. I don’t understand the purpose behind filming your first few years in the water, but thankfully other people must, because otherwise we wouldn’t be able to enjoy footage like this.

Children are the worst. Watch this little brat totally ruin what would have been the wave of a lifetime.

Seriously, the GoPro kook angle is the worst. Perched on the nose looking back the camera will make even the best surfer look like an arm flailing kook machine. But it can also capture carnage like this, so it’s not all downside.

I’d almost definitely lose my temper over this one.

Until next time, here’s a little boy exercising poor judgment in a public toilet.

Biggest great white ever captured on film!

Her name is Deep Blue and she lives a short swim from San Diego!

Last year, off Guadalupe Island, Mexico, a local researcher named Mauricio Hoyos Padilla tagged the biggest shark ever filmed. She measures over 20 feet and is as fat as two cows. He just released his footage and what a beauty! The best part? She lives a short swim from San Diego!

Fun, no? Let’s surf! It’s 2-3 with light onshores!

Nixon in China (part II)!

We are not enemies, nor even friends. We are bros.


Richard Milhous Nixon, 37th President of the United States, visited China in 1972. It was very historic as, up to that point, there had been no formal relations between the two countries. President Nixon met with Chairman Mao. They spoke in generalities with one observer, Winston Lord, being less than impressed with Mao’s style. “I remember distinctly, coming out of the meeting somewhat disappointed…” he said. “I was impressed with the physical impact of Mao. It was also clear that this man was tough, ruthless, and came from a peasant background, in contrast to the elegant, Mandarin quality of Zhou Enlai. However, I thought that the conversation was somewhat episodic and not very full.”

President Nixon was impeached in 1974 and became the first President in United States history to resign. In his final speech he said, “We have unlocked the doors that for a quarter of a century stood between the United States and the People’s Republic of China. We must now ensure that the one quarter of the world’s people who live in the People’s Republic of China will be and remain not our enemies but our friends.”

Forty-one years later, Nixon, watch company from Encinitas, CA is ensuring that the United States and China remain not enemies, and not even friends, but bros. The Nixon surf team just went and shredded Hainan Island. The waves looked fun. The Chinese spectators appeared pleased/indifferent. The sun shone brightly on all.