GoPro has opened up a whole new world of hurt!
I ran a guy down while surfing Chun’s Reef a few years ago. It was a fun chest to head high day, slightly gooey, very crowded, but the sun was shining, and all the girls from BYU were out knee paddling around in their itsy bitsy bikini bottoms. I think even Brigham Young himself would agree there’s little more wonderful than a taut and tan teenage rear pointed proudly skyward.
I snagged a fun set wave from behind the peak, as I bottomed turned around the section some kid on a new Merrick dropped right in without looking, doing a weak little fade right into my path.
I didn’t see him until the last second. Unable to turn around him I tried to stomp on the tail and apply the brakes, but only succeeded in lifting the nose out of the water enough to spear him in the ass at full speed.
I hit him hard, hard enough to be worried that I may have hurt him fairly badly.
Chun’s is one of those waves where you can’t expect to have any fun at all unless you accept the fact that you’re gonna get stuffed a hundred times by a mix of surf schools students, SoCal blow-throughs, and deluded Town clowns. It’s no big deal, if you want to play serious surfer all you need to do is man up and surf one of the million spots that are shallow and lack a nice deep and easy channel.
After I speared the poor fucker the first thing I did was check the nose of my board. Because priorities, I honestly thought I may have buckled it. Seeing my log was fine I hopped on and sprint paddled over to the moaning barney on the inside to check if he was okay.
The look on his face when he saw me coming was pure comedy. Eyes wide, face white, through his head was running every Hawaii localism lie he’d ever heard. Never mind my haole transplant status, to him I was some red faced, shaved head lunatic who’d just kicked his board at him out of nowhere, come to exact my revenge.
I pulled up short when I realized I’d scared him, asked, “You okay?” He stammered something, apologized. I told him it was no big deal, but be careful. No one wants to get hurt.
This video made the rounds a while back, but it’s worth a rewatch. Attractive lady getting bashed in the gourd by some dude on a rental, all of it captured in stunning wide angle GoPro footage.
The funny thing about filming yourself surfing, the only people really interested in it are those who truly rip, and those who can barely stand. I don’t understand the purpose behind filming your first few years in the water, but thankfully other people must, because otherwise we wouldn’t be able to enjoy footage like this.
Children are the worst. Watch this little brat totally ruin what would have been the wave of a lifetime.
Seriously, the GoPro kook angle is the worst. Perched on the nose looking back the camera will make even the best surfer look like an arm flailing kook machine. But it can also capture carnage like this, so it’s not all downside.
I’d almost definitely lose my temper over this one.
Until next time, here’s a little boy exercising poor judgment in a public toilet.