In a move previously deemed impossible, Surf City becomes less attractive.
Huntington Beach, home to rohypnol, Donkey Punch and Travis Ferre is now home to “an aggressive seven foot Great White shark.” Who knew “Surf City” could get worse!
Last week, ISIS targeted the famed 4th of July parade. “The Intel is they are going to kill mass people and then target the fire, police and military that respond…” Huntington Beach’s fire chief allegedly texted his son (read here!)
This week, the marine patrol closed the water for the first time in city history after an aggressive shark bumped a surfer. It was hot and people from inland Chino and Riverside wept openly when told they could not wet their skins and calf length boardshorts.
Lt. Claude Panis told the Los Angeles Times, “The ocean is like a big wilderness. There are many sharks out there.”
Stanford University, though, just released a study that said shark attacks in California are down 91% since 1950. Lt. Claude Panis maybe told the Los Angeles Times, “They have all gone to Australia. Australian flesh tastes like avocado toast drizzled with extra virgin olive oil. California flesh tastes like cold McDonland’s french fries. Huntington Beach flesh? Oh. You really don’t want to know.”
Apparently this is a very special breed of Super Great White that is immune to the multitude of syphilis and gonnorhea strains found in the common HB wife beater shirt infesting the shoreline of Huntingtons coastal waters, and that is the official uniform of the native Huntingtonian. The sharks are now thriving in the waters off this toxic wasteland of white trash, Coors Light, date rape, and bad tattoos.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, at least Huntington isn’t fucking Newport.
My dear Michael – I must disagree. Newport is Babylon compared to Huntington’s Sodom (post-destruction, of course). A veritable Riverside-By-The-Sea.
worse? That just makes HB MORE hardcore!