Outside Magazine, from Santa Fe, dreams of Olympic
inclusion. Yuck!
Outside Magazine, from Santa Fe, New
Mexico, loves to wade into the surf like all inland peoples do.
They love the wash of saltwater on their sunburned skins! They love
being beachy! They love feeling the sand between their toes and
their Teva sandals! And today they published a treatise on why
surfing should be included in the Olympics (read here).
The author argued, I think (I’m drunk!) that surfing should be
in the Olympics because Samsung sponsors the WSL for some totally
sham amount that Paul Speaker has made up (don’t forget that Kelly
Slater earns lots more than 20 mil a year) and that Go-Pro’s kook
founder Nick Woodman surfs and Go-Pro is worth billions but mostly
because high quality artificial waves are a distinct
possibility.
Have you ever seen one (an honest quality artificial wave not a
Paul Speaker or Nick Woodman)? Me neither. But Outside‘s
author ends his passionate bit by writing:
“Why not give the thousands of talented young surfers with
Olympic dreams the chance to express their art form, be it in salt
or chlorinated water?”
Viva Rick Kane! Viva New Mexico!
(PS. The maligned surf legend is none other than Matt Warshaw. I
think. I’m drunk!)
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In Defense: of the expensive t-shirt
By Chas Smith
Kelly Slater launches Outerknown and Instagram
melts down.
Kelly Slater and team officially launched
OuterKnown today and bravo to them and let us celebrate!
Outerknown, according to the website:
… explores the relationship between
function, style and sustainability. As designers, it challenges us
to build better, more sustainable products. As producers, it asks
us to lift the lid on our supply chain, bringing the consumer along
on our journey to transparency. As storytellers, it enables
perpetual evolution of our brand vision. As athletes and
performers, it pushes us to formerly impossible levels. As global
citizens, it offers the opportunity to observe this multi-cultural
world we live in and bring together seemingly unconnected people
and ideas for the purpose of discovering the next
Outerknown.
Kelly announced via Instagram and the people went crazy with
celebration!
“How can you sell something called the ‘Vagabond Cargo’ for
$195? You know what vagabond means, right?”
“No one is going to buy a $120 shirt.”
“Way above my pay grade. Holy shit.”
“Nope. Keeping my dollars.”
“RIP OFF!!!!!!!! Good luck selling this overpriced crap.”
“I can use $100 to better someone’s life rather than blow it on
a tshirt.”
“Outerknown? More like Outofmypricerange.”
And, come now, people. Why so sour? I will admit that to buy
expensive just to look expensive is very very un-chic. The boys
with designer scoop necked Ts at the bar are silly, they just don’t
know it yet. “Updated Pauly Ds” as my wonderful friend calls them.
Clothes, in fact, that say “look at me” are not good. But quality
costs money. Fit costs money. Proper drape costs money.
Sustainability costs money. Part of the reason this globe is
sinking into a warmed abyss is because cheap consumer goods.
I really and truly hate defending the expensive t-shirt because
it has become such a “thing” but you all made me do it.
Here's the seven-foot juvie white that had to be
rescued after it got beached chasing seagulls at Chatham,
Massachusetts.
Feel-Good: Humans Save Beached Great
White
By Derek Rielly
Overzealous juvie white chases seagulls, gets sand
under his girth, faces slow death…
In a reverse of the usual situation where a human being
enters the great white’s lair and is thus eatenalive or de-legged, and the world is thereupon
lectured about the foolishness of anyone being in the ocean, a
great white has ventured too far into the human’s domain
and…what…
…we revive the animal and send him back into the drink!
Witnesses say the seven-foot juvenile white got stuck near South
Beach in Chatham, Massachusetts, as the tide went out. The shark
was tagged by a state shark scientist.
Watch the video…jab…jab…jab!
It’s the third white shark tagged off Chatham this year.
Is any further evidence of the ultra-evolved nature of man now
necessary?
Baby white is sure lucky he didn’t bump into Tennessee gal
Veronica-Pooh Nash Poleate whose homespun common sense electrified
the world a few days ago (12 million views).
In response to a mess of shark attacks in North Carolina,
straight talking Ronnie said, “The shark has the right to eat you
up when you get in his house. Use some common sense if you are
going to the beach. Go to the… beach. You watch the ocean
from a distance.”
But what happens when the shark comes into the man’s house? We
don’t “ate him up.”
We save our friend!
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Be a famous surfer today!
By Chas Smith
A new TV show seeks to find the next international
surfing star!
Do you look at Kelly Slater and say,
“Pssssssht. I can do that.” Do you watch Brett Simpson paddle out
for his heats and think, “What makes him so special?” Do you sit at
home wondering why you are not sponsored by RVCA or at the very
least Hurley?
Well, your questions are answered and your problems are
solved!
“The award-winning producers of ‘The Ultimate Fighter’ are
casting the best surfers from around the world to compete for a
grand prize on a brand new TV show on a major cable network.On this
exciting new series, competitors will face thrilling challenges
both on the water and off, tackling monster waves and surprise
tests of skill, balance, strategy, innovation, commitment, speed
and power – all for a chance to win a grand prize!It doesn’t matter
if you’re a competitive or recreational surfer. As long as you’ve
got what it takes to compete against the best and prove your skills
on national television, then we want to hear from you.”
Yes. It is real. Send an email to [email protected] if
you are totally deluded and/or like to be a laughingstock and/or
have mild retardation and/or really have somehow fallen through the
cracks like Chippa Wilson. Don’t delay, do it today!
P.S. It might not seem real because they have a gmail address
but, ummm, yeah. It is.
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Heat six, round three, and infernal nuisance Adriano de
Souza beat Dane Reynolds for the first time in six meets. Caught by
the incubus!
Slater Knifes God-Son! Day Three, J-Bay
Open 2015
By Derek Rielly
And Medina strips the saloon, Alejo lashes the
wheel, Reynolds goes home to Sammy Boo…
Hey presto! Despite everything, despite a weak
little swell hugging the Jeffreys Bay reef, despite the ocean
appearing, at times, as bare as an egg, the third round of the
J-Bay Open was a notch above the usual.
Kelly Slater, who is roughly the same age as Kolohe Andino’s
father Dino, was mechanical in his defeat of the boy, offering no
mercy in waves that should’ve, by rights, suited the frontside fin
throws of the 21 year old. Certainly not a man whose next milestone
birthday is 50.
And what a squawking Kolohe made when he lost! His head sunk
forward in wretchedness, he wrung his hands, he whimpered and
then… pop! pop! pop!… his fist found the deck of
his surfboard.
Gabriel Medina raped our attention with two backside air
reverses on the one wave, the second a very grand sight.
That little wild pigeon, Filipe, tried to emulate Gabriel’s two
pack when he nailed two alley-oops on the same wave. What might
Alejo do to respond? But for all Filipe’s calculated abandon, it
was a set wave, impressively cut apart by Alejo, that froze the
heat, one judge even awarding it a 10.
Young turkey Filipe was amiable in the loss, hugging his fellow
Brazilian, knowing, I suppose, that he has Trestles, Hossegor and
Portugal to sprinkle his gold dust and win an unlikely world
title.
That infernal nuisance Adriano de Souza beat Dane Reynolds for
the first time in six heats. Blown clean away! Dane with his downy
round face and general energeticalness and Adriano, that mite with
the impish erect body, heavy dark eyebrows, big head-top and a
receding chin. He has really beautiful lips, I’ll admit, so
beautiful they look as if they were sculptured.
Michel Bourez and Bede Durbidge are two surfers who aren’t
entirely dissimilar. They finished their heat with fifteen and a
half-ish points apiece, Michel advancing by virtue of a higher
scoring wave.
Don’t wanna go heat by heat? Jump into the minute-long
highlights here! And don’t miss heat three of round four: Mick
Fanning, Gabriel Medina and Kelly Slater. What a sight that’s going
to be!
J-Bay Open Round 3 Results:Heat
1: Adrian Buchan (AUS) 15.50 def. Owen Wright (AUS) 15.40