Playing with whale sharks, spearing hell out of animals
further down on the food chain, filming ass and even getting
barrelled. What's not to love?
Sexy: Killin’ Fish, Ridin’ Barrels,
Defiling Ass!
By Rory Parker
Youngbloods Spearfishing and the overhaul of a
once-dreary sport.
There’s not a lot of good spearfishing content
online. Tons of fun amateur videos, but not many people
putting the effort into stringing together a high-quality edit.
Which is surprising, given how damn expensive spearfishing is.
I don’t like thinking about the absurd amount of money I drag
into the water with me each time I go for a dive.
Youngbloods Spearfishing is pretty damn awesome. Slaying fish,
getting barreled, a rather nice ass repeatedly making its way into
frame. It’s a lot like my life, only the fish are bigger, the
barrels deeper, and my wife’s ass hasn’t looked like that in
years.
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Teahupoo is the ultimate focus of masculinity, the
testing ground of manhood. And, Jeremy Flores chewed his way
through two near-perfect rides every heat, beating CJ, beating
Kelly, beating Gabriel. The first surfer to win a contest, with
helmet, since Tom Carroll at Pipe a quarter century
ago.
Orgiastic: Jeremy Flores wins Billabong
Pro, Tahiti!
By Derek Rielly
World champ Medina swings a second, CJ retires with
pride, Kelly hovers nearby…
Every reader of a sentimental turn must have
been pleased with the tableau with which the little drama
of the Billabong Pro concluded. For what was better than the
resurrection of the non-brain damaged but helmet-wearing Jeremy
Flores and the world champion Gabriel Medina, who had previously
been having the worst season of his life?
Yeah, the waves got progressively shittier, the swell interval
shorter, the wind stronger, and Gabriel tried to hustle Jeremy out
of position, failing.
But out of nowhere, Jeremy appeared at the apex of a six-footer,
a ride so almost perfect (9.77, two judges calling it a ten), that
Jeremy exited and formed an artificial penis over his pubis mons
with his hand. Such virility! An orgiastic climax!
“It was impeccable, the flair for dramatics, foam ball drifting…
again,” said Peter Mel, the channel commentator.
It was Jeremy’s great tactic, to wait only for sets, for waves
that were nine or better, that threw him past Kelly Slater
(in Kelly’s 152nd quarter-final), then CJ Hobgood and,
finally, Gabriel Medina.
“Exact repeat, he didn’t get frazzled by Gabriel’s frantic
tactics. Gabriel started scrambling all over the place; Jeremy
steadied the course,” said Ross Williams.
“Had the skills to pay the bills,” said Striker Wasilewski.
Jeremy: “Gabriel is one really tactical guy. I thought I’d play
his game and his game is to be really aggressive in the water. So
I’d be more aggressive.”
Even radder, is Jeremy’s comeback from a head injury (read here) that kept him from
competing at J-Bay. And now he wins? His first, since Pipe in
2010.
Highlights? Yeah, the first wave of the
final:
Jeremy vs Kelly Slater, in the quarter
finals:
Owen v Gabriel, semi one:
CJ v Jeremy, semi two:
But also, CJ Hobgood winning the AI Award for the Most
Committed Surfer:
And, Filipe scored a perfect zero heat in round five!
Watch here! But fans of a Filipe world title, fear
not! The next event is Trestles. “He’s going to ride a white point
down to Trestles! He’s such a stud!” said the commentator Ross
Williams.
Billabong Pro Tahiti Final Results:
1: Jeremy Flores (FRA) – 16.87
2: Gabriel Medina (BRA) – 13.20
Billabong Pro Tahiti Semifinal Results:
SF 1: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 16.63 def. Owen Wright (AUS) 8.70
SF 2: Jeremy Flores (FRA) 15.86 def. C.J. Hobgood (USA) 8.93
Billabong Pro Tahiti Quarterfinal Results:
QF 1: Owen Wright (AUS) 16.93 def. Italo Ferreira (BRA) 15.94
QF 2: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 15.64 def. Kai Otton (AUS) 11.00
QF 3: C.J. Hobgood (USA) 12.90 def. Josh Kerr (AUS) 11.16
QF 4: Jeremy Flores (FRA) 16.83 def. Kelly Slater (USA) 15.66
Billabong Pro Tahiti Round 5 Results:
Heat 1: Italo Ferreira (BRA) 15.00 def. Filipe Toledo (BRA)
00.00
Heat 2: Kai Otton (AUS) 13.50 def. Bruno Santos (BRA) 11.76
Heat 3: C.J. Hobgood (USA) 14.36 def. Aritz Aranburu (ESP)
14.00
Heat 4: Jeremy Flores (FRA) 13.37 def. Wiggolly Dantas (BRA)
13.21
2015 WSL Jeep Leaderboard Top 5 (after Billabong Pro
Tahiti):
1: Adriano de Souza (BRA) 34,950 pts
2: Mick Fanning (AUS) 34,700 pts
3: Owen Wright (AUS) 34,400 pts
4: Julian Wilson (AUS) 33,200 pts
4: Filipe Toledo (FRA) 33,200 pts
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Rude: British paper describes Prime
Minister’s surf
By Chas Smith
Crimson-faced and puffed with effort...
The act of surfing, even at its most glorious,
can still be an awkward dance. Arms flailing wildly, torso bent
wrong, legs so spindly poking out of trunks or swathed in black
neoprene. When lesser mortals partake it can look downright
ludicrous but we love it and thus spare scientific description. No
need to use the correct verbs. Better to simply emote and pretend
we all look like swans.
But the British, dour and honest, see no need for restraint.
Famed tabloid, The Daily Mirror, described Prime Minister
David Cameron’s recent session in a way so painful that it is art.
I reprint, in full, here. He was on a bodyboard, fyi, which makes
it even more amazing. It also makes me very happy I am not British.
My sensitive heart could, literally, not stand being talked about
like this. So without further ado, I give you the best/worst
thing ever written about surfing.
The portly Prime Minister donned a figure-hugging
wetsuit on Polzeath beach in Cornwall while bemused security guards
stood around…
Crimson-faced and puffed with effort, the portly Prime
Minister finds the Cornish surf all a bit much. David
Cameron donned a figure-hugging wetsuit and braved the grim
August weather today as he surfed at Polzeath beach in
Cornwall. But the driving rain and rolling waves soon had the
Tory PM scampering back to shore for a cup of tea.
“He went running into the water like a 10-year-old kid,” an
onlooker said. “It was like watching the opening scene of
Baywatch!”
“He tried to surf but the waves were proper fierce. He soon
came running out again – I think he got water in his ear.”
“They gave him some earplugs.”
Mr Cameron caught an ear infection on his first summer
holiday in the Algarve earlier this month. He is spending this
week in Cornwall and also plans to squeeze in a trip to Scotland
before Parliament returns next month.
"I came out on pillows!" said CJ after. "He came out on
a bag of marshmallows," said Ross Williams.
Vitalised: Rounds 3 and 4, Billabong Pro,
Tahiti
By Derek Rielly
"I came out on pillows," says CJ after
10-pointer…
From the scoffing superiority of the couch,
this year’s Tahiti Pro has been an easy target. Dirty winds, lazy
swells, moody days. Who wouldn’t be inclined to point out the
weakness of a tour overloaded with surfers and rounds and fixed
contest dates?
Today, however, with a long-interval south-west swell
leaving the reef exposed like a lunar crater for most of the day,
we were given a snappy, exhilarating contest. All those plunging,
crashing bodies and hurting limbs!
Rounds three and four were completed, Owen Wright, Gabriel
Medina, Josh Kerr and Kelly Slater into the
quarter-finals.
“We have seen carnage today,” said the commentator Ron Blakey.
“There were wipeouts today that made me feel sick.”
“It’s a six-foot swell acting like a 10-foot swell,” said the
commentator Ross Williams.
“I can’t feel my arm!” hollered Kai Otton to the channel.
“I felt like I was floating in my mum’s womb. It was like I’d
been slapped by Kai-Borg,” said Josh Kerr. “My brain was in another
planet!”
If you weren’t affixed to your computer or television, these are
the highlights you should watch.
Jeremy Flores, high nine. “He’s such a little
dog!” said Ross Williams.
CJ Hobgood’s 10-pointer. “I came out on
pillows!” said CJ after. “”He said, ‘I’m going to go down with the
ship’ and it paid off for him. He came out on a bag of
marshmallows.” said Ross Williams.
Josh Kerr’s stand-up-straight cabana (scroll to
the end.) “Josh Kerr’s such a stud,” said Ross Williams.
Gabriel’s near ten. “It was twice as good as
anything I saw,” said Ross Williams.
And Kelly Slater, who’ll swim within a thousand points
of Adriano de Souza if he wins Tahiti, just won his round four
heat, with ninety seconds left. A skirmish with a serious
knuckle of a wave that stole the heat. Nearly ten!
“I was looking at it, doubting it, hoping it would back off. I
almost pulled back but I went just to see what would happen,” said
Kelly Slater. “What if I let this go and it’s the one? The first
foam ball bounced me, slowed me down, second slowed me down more,
then I came out on blue face and thought, I got it! Looked up and
the lip was in front of me and I still had work to do. I came
out on the closeout.”
Billabong Pro Tahiti Round 3 Results:
Heat 1: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 16.97 def. Brett Simpson (USA)
12.50
Heat 2: Kai Otton (AUS) 13.13 def. Bede Durbidge (AUS) 12.00
Heat 3: Owen Wright (AUS) 18.23 def. Dusty Payne (HAW) 15.70
Heat 4: Italo Ferreira (BRA) 16.10 def. Jadson Andre (BRA) 9.83
Heat 5: Gabriel Medina (HAW) 19.00 def. John John Florence (HAW)
18.84
Heat 6: Bruno Santos (BRA) 16.20 def. Adriano de Souza (BRA)
13.70
Heat 7: Aritz Aranburu (ESP) 15.17 def. Mick Fanning (AUS) 6.67
Heat 8: Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) 16.83 def. Matt Wilkinson (AUS)
8.66
Heat 9: Josh Kerr (AUS) 15.80 def. Adrian Buchan (AUS) 13.67
Heat 10: Kelly Slater (USA) 14.06 def. Sebastian Zietz (HAW)
13.33
Heat 11: Jeremy Flores (FRA) 18.87 def. Joel Parkinson (AUS)
14.60
Heat 12: C.J. Hobgood (USA) 13.60 def. Julian Wilson (AUS) 9.50
Billabong Pro Tahiti Round 4 Results:
Heat 1: Owen Wright (AUS) 14.84, Filipe Toledo (BRA) 13.06, Kai
Otton (AUS) 12.70
Heat 2: Gabriel Medina (HAW) 17.64, Italo Ferreira (BRA) 17.10,
Bruno Santos (BRA) 6.84
Heat 3: Josh Kerr (AUS) 13.20, Aritz Aranburu (ESP) 11.43, Wiggolly
Dantas (BRA) 6.40
Heat 4: Kelly Slater (USA) 16.60, Jeremy Flores (FRA) 14.66, C.J.
Hobgood (USA) 8.30
Billabong Pro Tahiti Round 5 Match-Ups:
Heat 1: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Italo Ferreira (BRA)
Heat 2: Bruno Santos (BRA) vs. Kai Otton (AUS)
Heat 3: Aritz Aranburu (ESP) vs. C.J. Hobgood (USA)
Heat 4: Jeremy Flores (FRA) vs. Wiggolly Dantas (BRA)
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Five Things You Didn’t Know About Tow
By Derek Rielly
This wake-surf hybrid is almost 25 years old! But
how much do you know about tow?
1. Herbie Or Laird
Herbie Fletcher had been whipping surfers into Pipe on his
Kawasaki jet ski years before Laird Hamilton, Buzzy Kerbox and
Darrick Doerner used an inflatable dinghy to get into big Sunset.
But where Herbie’s efforts were viewed as a novelty, an oddity
characteristic of the Californian, Laird and friends kickstarted a
trend. Photos of the gang being towed into monstrous Peahi aka Jaws
on Maui while helicopters roared overhead and all shot by
photographer Eric Aeder opened the door to surfing beyond what was
believed to be paddled into. Lately, of course, Shane Dorian, the
Florences, Makua Rothman, Matt Meola, Albee Layer and co have
proved capable of paddling waves we used to think far beyond human
ability.
2. It Usually Isn’t a Jet Ski
Jet Ski is the name Kawasaki used to describe their craft;
Yamaha chose WaveRunner. For various reasons, the Yamaha became the
go-to craft although we still continue to use as a generic term,
jet ski.
3. It’s Easier Than You Think to Kill
Yourself
Operating a jet ski in large waves requires the deftness of a
cat and the water knowledge of an open-ocean sea captain. If the
jet is ever out of the water you lose power and subsequently all
steering. Hit a wave side on and you’ll capsize. Ever tried to
right one of these things solo? Or drag one off the beach? Because
most big waves break into channels, and you’re coming from some
kind of boat ramp or port, it’s very easy to get into a situation
far beyond your abilities.
“Jet skis weren’t designed for surfing,” says
Carlos Burle, pictured here demonstrating what happens when the key
comes out of the ignition, which they do, often, and you lose power
at critical juncture.
4. Almost Anyone Can Ride a 30-foot Wave
If you can stand on a surfboard, if you can hold onto a tow rope
and if you have even the vaguest ability steer a surfboard, you can
be whipped into one of those 30-foot burgers you see online.
Whether or not you survive a clean-up is another matter,
however.
5. It’s Out of Vogue
Every big-wave surfer of any sort of reputation in 2015 will be
attempting to paddle the biggest waves not tow. The debate over
Nazaré and Belharra will simmer quietly while men with 11-foot
surfboards attempt what was once deemed not just impossible but
suicidal.
