A new trailer for Blake Kueny’s new film,
starring none other than John John Florence, has just been released
on Hurley.com and if I could figure out how to rip it and put it up
I would (someone in comments please help!) but since I can’t go
here.
Wait! I find!
And wow. Have you ever seen anything more amazing? The venerable
Time magazine has called it the most anticipated film
since The Endless Summer and, usually, hyperbole annoys
but in this case there is no superlative that does justice. Mr.
Kueny’s vision? John John’s surfing? BrainFarm’s technology? It is
a perfect stew.
I’ll admit that I have seen a little bit of the uncut business
and it shines so brightly that my jaded eyeballs scream for more.
It is perfect. Can a surf film be perfect?
Watch and tell me.
(And by “exclusive” I meant exclusive on Hurley’s video player
which is HORRIBLE because it plays HORRIBLY because they insist
keeping a MASSIVE BANNER at the top)
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Fun: A WSL Drinking Game!
By Rory Parker
Is the Rip Curl Pro too painful for you to watch
without booze?
Peniche is painful, and though I’ve temporarily
sworn off the sauce while I try to regain a bit of fitness, I’m
making an exception for finals day. If I’m staying up late to
watch, I may as well as be hammered. Best case scenario, I forget
it ever happened.
RULES:
Every time a surfer tries to manufacture a score via claim,
everyone drinks for three seconds. Last person to drink finishes
their beer. If the surfer is not a Brazilian, they
must also take a shot.
If the claim is warranted, everyone shotguns a beer.
Each time a commentator uses the word “jam” or “wrap” rather
than the proper name for the maneuver everyone drinks for two
seconds. Multiple times per wave are cumulative, “A frontside jam
into a layback wrap” equals four seconds.
Drink for three seconds whenever Strider’s haircut appears on
screen.
Each time a commentator uses the word “jam” or “wrap” rather
than the proper name for the maneuver everyone drinks for two
seconds. Multiple times per wave are cumulative, “A frontside jam
into a layback wrap” equals four seconds.
Each time Chelsea Cannell asks an inane yes or no question
during an interview everyone takes a shot. Ex. “Do you know
before going out for your heat whether you’ll do an aerial maneuver
or what?”
Anytime a talking head blatantly spews bullshit about the
quality of the surf everyone finishes their beer.
When a surfer finishes with a single digit heat score every one
takes a shot. If the winning surfer also has a single digit
combined score everyone must finish their beer as well.
Each time the “yellow jersey” is mentioned everyone must pound a
beer. Last person to finish must shotgun another beer while
pretending to ride a bicycle around the room.
Everyone drinks for the duration of dead air broadcast in place
of advertisements.
One maneuver scores of 8+ means everyone pounds their beer. Last
person to finish must attempt a standing front flip.
When the spectacular Rosy Hodge appears on screen everyone takes
a shot to numb the pain of knowing you’ll never, ever, EVER, get a
chance to hit that.
If a Brazilian does a frontside reverse, everyone takes a
shot.
Penalties:
PUKING
Anyone who vomits must write “ADS is my savior” on their
forehead in permanent marker, and take a shot.
PASSING OUT
The Sarge Penalty, ie. Anyone can do whatever they want to
you, as long as they take a picture of it.
While I typically don’t enjoy when writers ask their audience to
chime in, this time I’d appreciate suggestions. I figure the
aforementioned rules will get me hammered, but I worry they won’t
get me hammered enough.
After falling on face, wave forecasting website
issues mea culpa.
Yesterday, as first reported here, Surfline badly and
embarrassingly messed up its world title prediction.
Surfing magazine’s guru Jimmy Wilson did the rocket
science, days earlier, and had shown that the race is extremely
wide open and yet Surfline had insisted on calling it a
two man hustle.
Today, though, a new headline hangs from Surfline’s banner. It
reads:
FANNING, ADRIANO OUT; TITLE RACE NOW WIDE OPEN
“We apologize to the thousands of people who count on us for
both accurate news and surf forecasting. To be very honest, most of
the time our nerds sit in their cubicles and throw magnetic Nerf
darts at wave height numbers. The results have no bearing upon
reality. Yesterday we also threw magnetic Nerf darts at the World
Surf League brochure. A story emerged that also had no bearing on
reality. Again, we apologize. No one in the office surfs. Four of
our forecasters have never even seen the ocean. Do you want to hire
our photographers for your next party? Do you like watching snuff
film? Again, we apologize. The computers we use in the office are
Commodore 64s. Our motto ‘Know Before You Go’ was actually lifted
from the Christian Mingle dating website. Again, we apologize. Up
until yesterday we thought Julian Wilson was one-third of 1990s
super group Wilson Phillips and we thought ADS was an acronym for
the Church of Latter-Day Saints and we though Owen Wright was Owen
Wilson and we thought Filipe Toledo was a university in Ohio and we
thought Wiggolly Dantas was the airline people flew when going to
Australia. Again, we apologize.”
Their accompanying press release should have read.
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Ouch: Wipeout of the Year!
By Chas Smith
El Nino is coming!
El Nino is coming they say. “Too big to fail”
they say. Which means if you live in North America it is time to
steel your backbone. It is time to wax the rhino chaser. It is time
to be a man/woman.
And being a man/woman means taking it right on the head.
Yesterday, I surfed some little waves near my home and, due a very
full moon, the tide was sucked all the way out. The little waves
hit the reef and dumped and spit and woooooosh! It felt like I was
surfing a slab. I also took one on the head but it was little.
Here we see Tyler Hollmer-Cross surfing a slab and taking one on
the head too except it is big. It is called Ship Stern Bluff and it
is on Tasmania. Australians call it “Shippies” as is their want and
I read, recently, a headline on an American website with a
predilection for race baiting calling it “Shippies” too. I’ve
always had a problem with Americans using Australian diminutives.
Australians use them with an instinctual command. Americans use
them haltingly, generally to show themselves in the know, which
turns out awkwardly.
Do you have an American friend who says things like “Shippies”
“Goldie” “blowie” “breckie” “chippie” “chalkie” “footy” “freshie”
“povvo” “reffo” “maccas” “trackies” “veggo” “Brizzie?”
Tell them to stop.
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Instead of gasping and whimpering like a baby after his
terrible first half of the year (three second-lasts and a last),
Gabriel has regained control of his senses. In the last three
events he has placed third, second and first. He's looking enough
like a conquerer to win in Portugal and Pipe and, therefore, be the
architect of the one of the great title defences. | Photo:
WSL
No more tears: Gabriel’s World Title
Gift!
By Derek Rielly
Defending world champion crashes fist into
toothless campaign…
There are, if we’re to be realistic, three surfers who
will win the Moche Rip Curl Pro. In order, they are Kolohe
Andino (read about premonition, here), Filipe Toledo
and Gabriel Medina.
Kolohe staggered his opponents Jadson Andre (who appeared blowsy
and quarrelsome in their round two heat) and Bede
Durbidge who couldn’t speak for choking in round three.
Of the two here still in the world title race, Gabriel is the
only surfer who can put on the Pipe Masters jerkin and make a game
of it and therefore win, and defend, his world title.
Filipe has the problem of involuntary tears in biggish reef
lefts (read Filipe Toledo’s Brave Act of Cowardice
here) although, in round three against Mason Ho, he looked very
much like the best surfer in the world. The crack of his board
hitting lips sounded like splintered glass. He flung straight and
hard, contemptuous. Filipe wasn’t just going to slink past Mason.
He saw what happened to Julian Wilson in round two and played
it impatient and rough.
But, Gabriel. He has the mocking look of a conquerer.
Occasionally a baby blubbering on the ground, his terrible first
half of the year (three second-lasts and a last) has been redeemed
by his last three events: three, two, one.
Let’s do a little maths.
If Gabriel wins in Portugal, he’ll drop a 25th (remember, in the
confusing world title calculations only the best nine results of
the 11 events are counted) and zoom into first place 250 points
clear of Mick Fanning, 800 ahead of Adriano. Place second and he’s
a fingernail behind Mick and Adriano in third place.
Filipe, of course, is throbbing and growing every second.
Whatever happens he drops a 25th, too. If he wins he moves into
second, only 200 points behind Mick.
You wanted a Pipe showdown? It’s coming.
Moche Rip Curl Pro Portugal Round 2
Results:
Heat 8: C.J Hobgood (USA) 12.43 def. Kai Otton (AUS) 6.17
Heat 9: Joel Parkinson (AUS) 12.00 def. Adam Melling (AUS) 7.70
Heat 10: Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 11.90 def. Adrian Buchan (AUS)
9.43
Heat 11: Kolohe Andino (USA) 14.43 def. Jadson Andre (BRA) 9.47
Heat 12: Michel Bourez (PYF) 11.17 def. Miguel Pupo (BRA) 10.83
Moche Rip Curl Pro Portugal Round 3
Results:
Heat 1: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 14.70 def. Mason Ho (HAW) 2.76
Heat 2: Kolohe Andino (USA) 13.06 def. Bede Durbidge (AUS)
10.43
Heat 3: Brett Simpson (USA) 13.54 def. Kelly Slater (USA) 8.06
Heat 4: Nat Young (USA) 16.67 def. Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 13.17
Heat 5: Joel Parkinson (AUS) 15.00 def. Matt Wilkinson (AUS)
14.60
Heat 6: Frederico Morais (PRT) 16.03 def. Mick Fanning (AUS)
14.40
Heat 7: Vasco Ribeiro (PRT) 14.36 def. Adriano De Souza (BRA)
11.80
Heat 8: Keanu Asing (HAW) 13.43 def. John John Florence (HAW)
13.16
Heat 9: Jeremy Flores (FRA) 17.26 def. C.J Hobgood (USA) 12.47
Heat 10: Italo Ferreira (BRA) 14.17 def. Ricardo Christie (NZL)
12.84
Heat 11: Michel Bourez (PYF) 13.17 def. Josh Kerr (AUS) 13.10
Heat 12: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 17.67 def. Caio Ibelli (BRA)
15.87
Moche Rip Curl Pro Portugal Round 4
Results:
Heat 1: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 19.00, Kolohe Andino (USA) 18.00, Brett
Simpson (USA) 17.57
Heat 2: Frederico Morais (PRT) 14.96, Nat Young (USA) 14.50, Joel
Parkinson (AUS) 7.43
Remaining Moche Rip Curl Pro Portugal Round 4 Match-Ups:
Heat 3: Vasco Ribeiro (PRT), Keanu Asing (HAW), Jeremy Flores
(FRA)
Heat 4: Italo Ferreira (BRA), Michel Bourez (PYF), Gabriel Medina
(BRA)
