A new trailer for Blake Kueny’s new film, starring none other than John John Florence, has just been released on Hurley.com and if I could figure out how to rip it and put it up I would (someone in comments please help!) but since I can’t go here.
Wait! I find!
And wow. Have you ever seen anything more amazing? The venerable Time magazine has called it the most anticipated film since The Endless Summer and, usually, hyperbole annoys but in this case there is no superlative that does justice. Mr. Kueny’s vision? John John’s surfing? BrainFarm’s technology? It is a perfect stew.
I’ll admit that I have seen a little bit of the uncut business and it shines so brightly that my jaded eyeballs scream for more. It is perfect. Can a surf film be perfect?
Watch and tell me.
(And by “exclusive” I meant exclusive on Hurley’s video player which is HORRIBLE because it plays HORRIBLY because they insist keeping a MASSIVE BANNER at the top)
Is the Rip Curl Pro too painful for you to watch without booze?
Peniche is painful, and though I’ve temporarily sworn off the sauce while I try to regain a bit of fitness, I’m making an exception for finals day. If I’m staying up late to watch, I may as well as be hammered. Best case scenario, I forget it ever happened.
RULES:
Every time a surfer tries to manufacture a score via claim, everyone drinks for three seconds. Last person to drink finishes their beer. If the surfer is not a Brazilian, they must also take a shot.
If the claim is warranted, everyone shotguns a beer.
Each time a commentator uses the word “jam” or “wrap” rather than the proper name for the maneuver everyone drinks for two seconds. Multiple times per wave are cumulative, “A frontside jam into a layback wrap” equals four seconds.
Drink for three seconds whenever Strider’s haircut appears on screen.
Each time a commentator uses the word “jam” or “wrap” rather than the proper name for the maneuver everyone drinks for two seconds. Multiple times per wave are cumulative, “A frontside jam into a layback wrap” equals four seconds.
Each time Chelsea Cannell asks an inane yes or no question during an interview everyone takes a shot. Ex. “Do you know before going out for your heat whether you’ll do an aerial maneuver or what?”
Anytime a talking head blatantly spews bullshit about the quality of the surf everyone finishes their beer.
When a surfer finishes with a single digit heat score every one takes a shot. If the winning surfer also has a single digit combined score everyone must finish their beer as well.
Each time the “yellow jersey” is mentioned everyone must pound a beer. Last person to finish must shotgun another beer while pretending to ride a bicycle around the room.
Everyone drinks for the duration of dead air broadcast in place of advertisements.
One maneuver scores of 8+ means everyone pounds their beer. Last person to finish must attempt a standing front flip.
When the spectacular Rosy Hodge appears on screen everyone takes a shot to numb the pain of knowing you’ll never, ever, EVER, get a chance to hit that.
If a Brazilian does a frontside reverse, everyone takes a shot.
Penalties:
PUKING
Anyone who vomits must write “ADS is my savior” on their forehead in permanent marker, and take a shot.
PASSING OUT
The Sarge Penalty, ie. Anyone can do whatever they want to you, as long as they take a picture of it.
While I typically don’t enjoy when writers ask their audience to chime in, this time I’d appreciate suggestions. I figure the aforementioned rules will get me hammered, but I worry they won’t get me hammered enough.
After falling on face, wave forecasting website issues mea culpa.
Yesterday, as first reported here, Surfline badly and embarrassingly messed up its world title prediction. Surfing magazine’s guru Jimmy Wilson did the rocket science, days earlier, and had shown that the race is extremely wide open and yet Surfline had insisted on calling it a two man hustle.
Today, though, a new headline hangs from Surfline’s banner. It reads:
FANNING, ADRIANO OUT; TITLE RACE NOW WIDE OPEN
“We apologize to the thousands of people who count on us for both accurate news and surf forecasting. To be very honest, most of the time our nerds sit in their cubicles and throw magnetic Nerf darts at wave height numbers. The results have no bearing upon reality. Yesterday we also threw magnetic Nerf darts at the World Surf League brochure. A story emerged that also had no bearing on reality. Again, we apologize. No one in the office surfs. Four of our forecasters have never even seen the ocean. Do you want to hire our photographers for your next party? Do you like watching snuff film? Again, we apologize. The computers we use in the office are Commodore 64s. Our motto ‘Know Before You Go’ was actually lifted from the Christian Mingle dating website. Again, we apologize. Up until yesterday we thought Julian Wilson was one-third of 1990s super group Wilson Phillips and we thought ADS was an acronym for the Church of Latter-Day Saints and we though Owen Wright was Owen Wilson and we thought Filipe Toledo was a university in Ohio and we thought Wiggolly Dantas was the airline people flew when going to Australia. Again, we apologize.”
Their accompanying press release should have read.
El Nino is coming they say. “Too big to fail” they say. Which means if you live in North America it is time to steel your backbone. It is time to wax the rhino chaser. It is time to be a man/woman.
And being a man/woman means taking it right on the head. Yesterday, I surfed some little waves near my home and, due a very full moon, the tide was sucked all the way out. The little waves hit the reef and dumped and spit and woooooosh! It felt like I was surfing a slab. I also took one on the head but it was little.
Here we see Tyler Hollmer-Cross surfing a slab and taking one on the head too except it is big. It is called Ship Stern Bluff and it is on Tasmania. Australians call it “Shippies” as is their want and I read, recently, a headline on an American website with a predilection for race baiting calling it “Shippies” too. I’ve always had a problem with Americans using Australian diminutives. Australians use them with an instinctual command. Americans use them haltingly, generally to show themselves in the know, which turns out awkwardly.
Do you have an American friend who says things like “Shippies” “Goldie” “blowie” “breckie” “chippie” “chalkie” “footy” “freshie” “povvo” “reffo” “maccas” “trackies” “veggo” “Brizzie?”
Tell them to stop.
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Instead of gasping and whimpering like a baby after his terrible first half of the year (three second-lasts and a last), Gabriel has regained control of his senses. In the last three events he has placed third, second and first. He's looking enough like a conquerer to win in Portugal and Pipe and, therefore, be the architect of the one of the great title defences. | Photo: WSL
Defending world champion crashes fist into toothless campaign…
There are, if we’re to be realistic, three surfers who will win the Moche Rip Curl Pro. In order, they are Kolohe Andino (read about premonition, here), Filipe Toledo and Gabriel Medina.
Kolohe staggered his opponents Jadson Andre (who appeared blowsy and quarrelsome in their round two heat) and Bede Durbidge who couldn’t speak for choking in round three.
Of the two here still in the world title race, Gabriel is the only surfer who can put on the Pipe Masters jerkin and make a game of it and therefore win, and defend, his world title.
Filipe has the problem of involuntary tears in biggish reef lefts (read Filipe Toledo’s Brave Act of Cowardice here) although, in round three against Mason Ho, he looked very much like the best surfer in the world. The crack of his board hitting lips sounded like splintered glass. He flung straight and hard, contemptuous. Filipe wasn’t just going to slink past Mason. He saw what happened to Julian Wilson in round two and played it impatient and rough.
But, Gabriel. He has the mocking look of a conquerer. Occasionally a baby blubbering on the ground, his terrible first half of the year (three second-lasts and a last) has been redeemed by his last three events: three, two, one.
Let’s do a little maths.
If Gabriel wins in Portugal, he’ll drop a 25th (remember, in the confusing world title calculations only the best nine results of the 11 events are counted) and zoom into first place 250 points clear of Mick Fanning, 800 ahead of Adriano. Place second and he’s a fingernail behind Mick and Adriano in third place.
Filipe, of course, is throbbing and growing every second. Whatever happens he drops a 25th, too. If he wins he moves into second, only 200 points behind Mick.
You wanted a Pipe showdown? It’s coming.
Moche Rip Curl Pro Portugal Round 2 Results:
Heat 8: C.J Hobgood (USA) 12.43 def. Kai Otton (AUS) 6.17
Heat 9: Joel Parkinson (AUS) 12.00 def. Adam Melling (AUS) 7.70
Heat 10: Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 11.90 def. Adrian Buchan (AUS) 9.43
Heat 11: Kolohe Andino (USA) 14.43 def. Jadson Andre (BRA) 9.47
Heat 12: Michel Bourez (PYF) 11.17 def. Miguel Pupo (BRA) 10.83
Moche Rip Curl Pro Portugal Round 3 Results:
Heat 1: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 14.70 def. Mason Ho (HAW) 2.76
Heat 2: Kolohe Andino (USA) 13.06 def. Bede Durbidge (AUS) 10.43
Heat 3: Brett Simpson (USA) 13.54 def. Kelly Slater (USA) 8.06
Heat 4: Nat Young (USA) 16.67 def. Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 13.17
Heat 5: Joel Parkinson (AUS) 15.00 def. Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 14.60
Heat 6: Frederico Morais (PRT) 16.03 def. Mick Fanning (AUS) 14.40
Heat 7: Vasco Ribeiro (PRT) 14.36 def. Adriano De Souza (BRA) 11.80
Heat 8: Keanu Asing (HAW) 13.43 def. John John Florence (HAW) 13.16
Heat 9: Jeremy Flores (FRA) 17.26 def. C.J Hobgood (USA) 12.47
Heat 10: Italo Ferreira (BRA) 14.17 def. Ricardo Christie (NZL) 12.84
Heat 11: Michel Bourez (PYF) 13.17 def. Josh Kerr (AUS) 13.10
Heat 12: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 17.67 def. Caio Ibelli (BRA) 15.87
Moche Rip Curl Pro Portugal Round 4 Results:
Heat 1: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 19.00, Kolohe Andino (USA) 18.00, Brett Simpson (USA) 17.57
Heat 2: Frederico Morais (PRT) 14.96, Nat Young (USA) 14.50, Joel Parkinson (AUS) 7.43
Remaining Moche Rip Curl Pro Portugal Round 4 Match-Ups:
Heat 3: Vasco Ribeiro (PRT), Keanu Asing (HAW), Jeremy Flores (FRA)
Heat 4: Italo Ferreira (BRA), Michel Bourez (PYF), Gabriel Medina (BRA)
