Please force celibacy on my wife and encase me in resin to scare children…
Off to Oahu tomorrow morning for yet another damn ear surgery. Oof, no fun. But I’ve been here before, recovery’s not a problem, just some pain and patience and before you know it everything is a-okay.
I’m going under general anesthesia though, and I hate that shit. Plenty of people don’t wake up, and that’s not how I want to go out.
“Count backwards from ten…” Transition to endless nothing.
In the event that I don’t wake up, that an out-patient procedure proves to be my pathetic undoing, I’d like to leave behind my final requests.
We’ve talked it over, and I’ve myself very clear that she is NOT to move on with her life. No remarriage, no finding solace in another’s arms. In her wedding vows she swore to throw herself on my funeral pyre so she could continue to serve me in Valhalla (that’s what you get when you make me write them for you), but I know she won’t.
Not that I’ll know if you follow through. If there is an afterlife (there isn’t) I’ll be too busy haunting everyone who’s ever wronged me (I keep a list!) to make sure my wishes are followed
Avenge me!
Don’t worry about who deserves what, just deliver some good old fashioned frontier justice on my behalf. I’m talking post French revolution Reign of Terror vibe. Hold everyone accountable, regardless of culpability.
Make sure my wife remains celibate
We’ve talked it over, and I’ve myself very clear that she is NOT to move on with her life. No remarriage, no finding solace in another’s arms. In her wedding vows she swore to throw herself on my funeral pyre so she could continue to serve me in Valhalla (that’s what you get when you make me write them for you), but I know she won’t. Cuz Valhalla ain’t real, and if it were I’m damn sure dying on an operating table wouldn’t get you there.
Don’t donate in my name
Send flowers. They’re wasteful, pointless, and won’t mean a thing to the rotting hunk of meat that previously contained my identity. And I think that’s kind of funny.
Speaking of that hunk of meat…
Disposal of corpse
I’d like my former body to be arranged in a suitably scary position, sealed in a large block of resin, and used to scare children. Like, kid won’t eat his broccoli? That’s two hours locked in a closet with Rory.
Everyone wants to leave a legacy, an entire generation of emotionally scarred children should be mine.
Clone me
I know the technology doesn’t exist, yet. But, when it does, I’d like a few dozen Rorys grown in a lab, then pitted against each other in a winner-take-all death match. This will create a sort of super-me, bigger, stronger, faster, smarter, more cunning, which will then overthrow the galactic empire and take control of spice mining operations on Arrakis.
You can likely find some usable DNA in one of the crusty socks under my bed that the wife is always telling me to clean up because “they’re fucking disgusting.”
im ready to pay my subscription fee for this site. take my $$$
Don’t fret Rory, your wife’s a lawyer. With that Pulitzer surely on its way and potential for ct qualification, not to mention your current six figure salary, your projected earnings will be off the charts. Take solace in the fact that your wife’s looking at a nice chunk of change.
Don’t worry…I’m sure there’s plenty of guys willing to make sure you wie stays “celibate” (if you know what I mean).
What kind of ear surgery you got planned? Ol Cappy Goodtime had his ear cut off for a cholesteatoma a couple of years ago and is in no rush to return for the follow up. Don’t worry I’ll take care of your wife.
Follow up to my last cholesteotoma. Had the thing removed once, came back and caused that skull infection that nearly killed me, they’re going in with some magic microscope to look at stuff on the cellular level and make sure it’s gone for good.
Third time this ear’s been cut off, now.
Rory I’m dying that last post was fuckin good! I did the cholesteoma procedure twice, though never almost died. I went in circles for years with a long list of head and neck docs,few years later I was referred to the Dr.House, he’s in Orange County and L.A. He’s an absolute genius, works on prime ministers and shit. After 8 years of surgery and bullshit, he saw me and in 5 mins he knew exactly what to do. My ears are better then they’ve ever been. If that surgery doesn’t solve your problems look him up, “The House Ear Clinic”
Thanks!
I’m familiar with the House Ear Clinic. Flew to LA for my mastoidectomy and typanoplasty with them last year. Their doc Slattery comes to Hawaii once a year and does work, so this time I only had to go to Oahu.
Top notch work, for sure.
I shall dutifully take up my saber and make good on wish 1 and maybe Google around and research wish 5 in like a decade or so… as for the rest I’m super busy dude, but I’ll do what I can.
Also if wish 4 comes true I get you for holidays, dibs.