After years of shit-talking from every direction, Adriano De Souza takes sweet revenge…

Dragged my ass out of bed this morning at the crack of 7:30. Tired, stayed up too late reading the second half of the Succession duology. Great stuff, if you’re a fan of science fiction, which I most definitely am. Fantasy too! Robots and wizards and spaceships and magic!

Pipe’s definitely finishing up today, albeit in a dying swell. Early morning will probably drop a few gems, then smaller and smaller and smaller.

Big Pipe is truly terrifying. I spent a decent amount of time swimming around the lineup back when I lived on Oahu. Not enough to earn a spot, but long enough to earn a nod from my fellow bodysurfers every once in a while.

Small-ish Pipe, like today, is scary too. Much shallower, still has plenty of power. Easily capable of ripping your head off, or, in my case, drilling you shoulder first into the bottom and putting you on the injured list for a very long time.

Still, it’s not what we’re here to see, and that’s a bummer. Title on the line, watching the finals day degenerate into what’s sure to become a grovel-fest. Anti-climactic, that’s what it is.

Flores/Kerr went okay. Nothing mind blowing. Flores looked kind of over it. Didn’t rend his clothes over the loss. Means De Souza meets Kerr in the quarters, an easier draw than Slater, for sure. In big Pipe I’d be tempted to give it to Josh, but in these conditions the ability to conform to judging criteria puts De Souza in front.

Medina threaded some little tubes, put a doppelgänger’s career to rest. Webcast shows Hobgood got an inconsequential interference. I missed it while brewing more coffee.

A three-way title battle is pretty neat. Too bad the Slater/Fanning heat is lackluster. No shine but that bouncing off Kelly’s dome. Very low scores, Kelly ain’t lying down, Mick looks kind of distracted. But this one’s a wave catching contest, might as well flip a coin.

I’m really looking forward to the next heat. This type of small, lumpy, shallow hell seems to bring the magic out of Ho. Judging by his clips, at least. Will he paddle out with a plan, try and play serious, or let it all loose and get nasty? I hope for the latter.

A foamy drop to quick in and out at Backdoor for Fanning. He’s fist pump claiming it. Making the drop should earn the score he needs with only two mintues left. But who the hell ever knows what the judges are thinking.

Six-point something, more than enough. Thirty seconds for Slater to pull a rabbit out of his hat. He’s done it before… but not today.

You know who he reminds me of? Nineties vert ramp pro, Andy MacDonald. Both take a blue-collar approach to comps, neither gets any love from mainstream companies within their sport. I’d love to see Adriano win it, then take MacDonald’s path. Say, “Fuck it,” in Portuguese, ride for Walmart or Burger King or whatever large non-surfing companies exist in Brazil that see the value in brand exposure.

That puts Medina out of the title race, but he still has a shot at killing Fanning’s dream in the semis.

If Adriano beats Kerr he’ll face either Melling or Ho in the semis. Should be a walk in the park, tactical hassling, manufacture his way to the finals. I don’t think either can stand against a determined De Souza. Still needs to get through Kerr.

I’m gonna call it early. Based on the draw, Adriano’s got this one wrapped up.

You know who he reminds me of? Nineties vert ramp pro, Andy MacDonald. Both take a blue-collar approach to comps, neither gets any love from mainstream companies within their sport. I’d love to see Adriano win it, then take MacDonald’s path. Say, “Fuck it,” in Portuguese, ride for Walmart or Burger King or whatever large non-surfing companies exist in Brazil that see the value in brand exposure.

Found a relevant quote from Andy Mac in an old Transworld Skateboarding article.

“When I first turned pro, I didn’t have enough money to pay rent. I was going to contests, and the sponsor wasn’t paying for me to get to the contests. I’d skate hard enough to make the cut, maybe not go for it as hard as I should’ve – I’d skate conservatively, just enough so that I was in the money and had enough to pay for my trip home and the rent.”

Jeez, this is boring. Gonna see a whole lot of single digit heat scores today.

Sick little wave for Ho. Long little tube, steezy roundhouse, bonk at the end. That’s a heat winner, today. Looks like he’s playing it straight. Breaks my heart.

Is there another family that comes close to the Ho’s for total competitive domination? That’s a serious question, I’m trying to think of one and I’m drawing a blank. Between Derek and Carissa and Mason and Mike they have a hell of a lot of wins.

Kerr is one of those guys who’s been around so long I forget he’s younger than me. So weird, turning from a freesurf pro into a competitive animal. Williams is saying he’s here based on pure talent, but I don’t buy that line. You don’t reach the top tier of competition without caring about winning.

Kerr is one of those guys who’s been around so long I forget he’s younger than me. So weird, turning from a freesurf pro into a competitive animal. Williams is saying he’s here based on pure talent, but I don’t buy that line. You don’t reach the top tier of competition without caring about winning.

Oh boy, a Mason interview! Comes off like a toddler surrounded by puppies and candy, pure innocent excitement.

According to someone on reddit, this win means Ho’s on the ‘CT next year. Is that right? Asked Derek, he asked Prodan. Not true, “…still falls well short.”

I doubt that’s a height joke.

After a ton of spent floating around like turds in the punch bowl Kerr grabs a quick cover up and snags the lead. ADS out the back with priority and fifteen minutes.

Cut to Mick dancing with his eyes closed.

With ten minutes left ADS is prowling the inside like an animal. Paddle in, flick out. Paddle in, flick out. Keeping his shit together, putting in work. Only needs a 2.01, down to six and change left, can’t write him off yet. But Kerr’s playing it cool, holding on to priority and chipping away at the clock. Had a chance to put it to sleep, but got clipped on his way out and fell. Bettered his worst, but only barely. Ran back into the lineup, hung on to priority. Important in the dying minutes.

De Souza needs a 2.44 now. Three minutes left.

De Souza Slaters into one at Backdoor, squeaks out, claims it. Scores haven’t dropped but it should put him in the lead with two minutes left.

Now less than a minute, Kerr needs a 2.51. Forty seconds, thirty seconds, Kerr paddles in… and gets eaten! Title battle still alive heading into the semis!

The surf may not be the best, but who doesn’t love when the top spot comes down to the final moments? I sure do.

His groove must be flowing, Fanning’s first wave was a gem. Damn far behind that section, hammered through the foam ball, dodged a section then little bonus roof. That’ll be hard to match, unless we’re looking at a last minute pulse and it turns on for the next half hour.

7.33, Medina’s basically combo-ed.

Fanning backs it up with another at Backdoor into a reverse attempt in six inches of water. Digs the hole a tad deeper. Gabe needs a 6.27.

Since there’s not much action I’m clicking around the ‘net while the comp plays in the background. Did you see that they arrested Martin Shkreli?

Too funny, or maybe not, how financial success is almost always based on theft. People play like they’re some sort of genius, but it’s all just stealing. Not about being bright, just about lacking scruples.

There’s an interesting article in The New Yorker about the history of organized crime in the United States. It talks about the use of “innovation” in upward mobility, how often successful clans can be traced back to criminality. That our nation’s, my nation’s, obsession with “success” leads to those without access to traditional, legitimate, means resorting to crime in their quest for splendor.

According to Wikipedia, Shkreli was raised by immigrant parents, so it kind of applies to him.

With nine minutes left Medina grabs a right. No where near Mick’s 7.33, but is it a 6.27? Maybe. If not it still closes the gap. Fanning’s gotta be feeling the wolves at the door.

Only a 4.83, seems low. Medina still needs 5.54 with five minutes left. Fanning has priority. Should he shadow Medina, keep him from a shot at a hail mary inside air, or sit out the back and keep his grip on the sets?

He chose poorly. As I typed the last sentence Medina took off on a plopper and flung himself into a big frontside three. Yeah, it’s a tube riding contest, I know that Turpel, but there ain’t no barrels and the JUDGES GIVE IT TO MEDINA!!!!

Laid back the landing pretty hard. Thought we weren’t counting those anymore.

One minute forty five and Mick needs a 4.0. Which he doesn’t get. And now it’s up to ADS to drop the ball.

Poor Mick.

What do I want to see more? Mason Ho make the finals at Pipe, or De Souza win the title?

Tough call, they’ve both got my heart. I have to side with De Souza, Mason’s got plenty of years left and he’s only getting better at the game.

Medina won the Triple Crown. Wasn’t even on my radar. Feel like that title isn’t relevant anymore, though I couldn’t tell you why. Maybe because, by modern surfing standards, Sunset and Haleiwa aren’t super relevant either.

Oh boy, Mason wants it bad, kicking scratching power paddle back out. Gets his hands on priority. First exchange is done, .57 for De Souza, .37 for my little snuggle bunny.

Sucks to say, but that .2 could be important.

Mason’s board done broke, Adriano’s alone out the back. But there’s plenty of time left, and it’ll be an easy paddle. Or maybe not, Mason’s kinda getting thrashed on the inside. Oahu: where a two foot day will beat the ever loving shit out of you.

Vicious paddle battle that De Souza wins after an exchange at Backdoor. Pretty similar waves, Adriano’s a bit cleaner. I’m giving it to ADS, but you never know what the judges are thinking.

De Souza sacrifices priority for a close out. De Souza gets the edge on the previous exchange. Now Mason needs a 1.38, tries to commit suicide on a right, sneaks back out and regains priority.

With seven minutes left they’re sitting pretty far apart. De Souza ain’t gonna do a last minute huck, but he’s definitely gonna try and three-to-the-beach it to better his low score. Hopefully the judges won’t reward that.

They kinda do. Five minutes, Mason needs a 3.01. Makes an unlucky choice, strokes into a Backdoor right that looks wide open, then pinches and turns weird. Ho bobbles and catches his rail off the bottom. That’s nerves, right there.

De Souza had a chance to hammer that last nail in the coffin, but gets clipped on his way out.

Two minutes before Adriano is champ. Mason should be headed inside and aiming for a flip. It’s not gonna happen. One minute left. It’s gone flat, De Souza just took it.

Good for him. Two Brazilian champs in a row, time for De Souza to renegotiate some contracts.

It’s a Medina/ De Souza final. But who the hell cares?

I want to slap the fuck out of that guy from ESPN standing in the background, holding his phone in front of De Souza’s face. Look at him, mug just screams “punch me in my stupid haole head.”

Maybe Chas knows. Do the guys get a pay bump for drinking Red Bull on camera, or is it in their contract that they have to?

I want to slap the fuck out of that guy from ESPN standing in the background, holding his phone in front of De Souza’s face. Look at him, mug just screams “punch me in my stupid haole head.”

Congratulations to Mason, a semifinal Pipe finish ain’t nothing to sneeze at. Go pound some beers and use those bedroom eyes to lure a few ladies into your bed.

And a HUGE pile of congrats out to Adriano. A decade of trying, constant shit talking from every direction. Head down, made it happen, never let the naysayers get him down. And that’s something. I catch a tiny amount of shit online compared to the guy, and you develop a thick skin, but sometimes shit makes it through. Easy to let the public ruin your brain, the fact that he didn’t is impressive in itself.

His win has some implications for the judging criteria. More on that sometime in the very near future. Probably tomorrow.

Straight out for the final, was expecting the usual hour long lead up. Crown De Souza, hype the heat, build some tension.

But the swell is near dead, so it’s a good call. Not that the final matters. Actually, the difference between first and second place is a substantial sum of money. That matters.

De Souza’s on fire. Two solid tubes in a row.

Have you seen this web short starring Macaulay Culkin? I’m in no way invested in the result of this heat, so I just watched it, and it’s very funny.

Wow, De Souza pounds home a third good wave. None of the showboating Medina pulled last year, running around the beach, basking in the glory, paddling out when the heat’s half done. De Souza’s true blue collar, through and through. The job still ain’t done, back to work.

And that’s it, the end. Adriano De Souza takes home the title and a Pipe Masters trophy.  First Brazzo ever.  That’s pretty neat, since Medina already snagged their title.

Speaking of which, where’s the Brazilian love?  When Medina won it was a near riot.

2015 was, all things considered, a pretty shit year for professional surfing. Hopefully 2016 brings better. Or maybe it needs worse. Maybe the best thing would be the WSL ruining the tour, killing the money, and allowing for a fresh rebuild. We’ll just have to wait and see.

In the mean time, I need to find something else to bitch about for the next few months.