Filipe Toledo flogged Bruce Irons with soul based, brute machismo, round two, Billabong Pipeline Masters. | Photo: WSL

Pipe: Title Contenders’ Suckling Artistry!

Even Kelly Slater restores his crippled season on day two, Pipeline Masters… 

Were your hands as gluey as mine this morning? There were so many round two scenarios to consider, that even in the grey fingers of a North Shore dawn, the air was pregnant with tension.

Three title contenders faced sudden elimination.

An 11-time champ was on his last roll to emboss an ugly season.

Stumbling, low-rated surfers would attempt to squeeze a little last-minute dignity or, god willing, maybe even re-qualify.

Let’s snapshot.

First, Filipe Toledo whiplashed Bruce Irons with typically Brazilian derring-do. Did you see that coming, fourteen points to five? There’s nothing monotone about the maybe-soon-to-be-world-champ Filipe’s oily crouching and weaving. Memories of zero-point heat totals quickly fade when you entertain like Filipe.

Adriano’s blood pressure problem is getting better now that he twitched past the 17-year-old Pipe Invitational winner Jack Robinson. Did you know Adriano is staying at Jamie O’Brien’s house and that Jamie will surf against the title fav Mick Fanning in round three?

“He opened his house to me a few years back to practice at Pipe and I can’t thank him enough,” De Souza said. “He understands I want it so much and it was so big for me and my career. I really hope I can win this. I don’t have a big sponsor like Quiksilver or Billabong that have houses out here, I just have a national brand so I went to Jamie and just said you’re the man, if I can’t stay here I’ll sleep at your door because I want to surf every day here. I have so much respect for the locals out here and just want to spend as much time in the water as I can.”

Do you love Adriano even more now?

Julian Wilson blew past Haleiwa contest winner and wildcard Wade Carmichael without giving up too much of his sugar.

And Kelly! So last minute against Dusty Payne! Watch Kelly get the score and Dusty, who is now off the tour again, twist his face into a cretinous sneering monster. As if you wouldn’t be instantly transformed.

And Jordy, he was so priceless he makes life worth living.

Did you hang around for the women’s invitational? Carissa dug up the beans! I felt, maybe you did too, a rush of happiness watching Carissa belt down the front door.

Meanwhile, the surf is slowly disappearing. New swell middle of next week.

Who will fall under the dark curtain of oblivion?

Is it Adriano’s destiny to be the champ, 2016?

Will Jamie O, the fleshy but not fat Hawaiian, grope the past and snatch a second Pipe Masters, 11 years after the first?

BILLABONG PIPE MASTERS ROUND 2 RESULTS:

Heat 1: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 14.23 def. Bruce Irons (HAW) 5.07
Heat 2: Taj Burrow (AUS) 13.77 def. Brett Simpson (USA) 11.20
Heat 3: Adriano De Souza (BRA) 13.10 def. Jack Robinson (AUS) 12.50
Heat 4: Adam Melling (AUS) 15.50 def. Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 4.46
Heat 5:  Julian Wilson (AUS) 12.83 def. Wade Carmichael (AUS) 6.00
Heat 6: Adrian Buchan (AUS) 13.17 def. Miguel Pupo (BRA) 12.50
Heat 7: Kelly Slater (USA) 15.57 def. Dusty Payne (HAW) 14.93
Heat 8: Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 10.50 def. Jadson Andre (BRA) 6.74
Heat 9: Glenn Hall (IRL) 8.60 def. Nat Young (USA) 7.80
Heat 10: Keanu Asing (HAW) 10.33 def. Kolohe Andino (USA) 4.90
Heat 11: Joel Parkinson (AUS) 13.93 def. Ricardo Christie (NZL) 5.43
Heat 12: Jordy Smith (ZAF) 16.00 def. Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) 4.87

BILLABONG PIPE MASTERS ROUND 3 MATCH-UPS:
Heat 1: Gabriel Medina (BRA) vs. Jordy Smith (ZAF)
Heat 2: Bede Durbidge (AUS) vs. Keanu Asing (HAW)
Heat 3: Italo Ferreira (BRA) vs. C.J. Hobgood (USA)
Heat 4: Kelly Slater (USA) vs. Michel Bourez (PYF)
Heat 5:  Mick Fanning (AUS) vs. Jamie O’Brien (HAW)
Heat 6: John John Florence (HAW) vs. Taj Burrow (AUS)
Heat 7: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Mason Ho (HAW)
Heat 8: Joel Parkinson (AUS) vs. Kai Otton (AUS)
Heat 9: Jeremy Flores (FRA) vs. Sebastian Zeitz (HAW)
Heat 10: Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. Adam Melling (AUS)
Heat 11: Josh Kerr (AUS) vs. Adrian Buchan (AUS)
Heat 12: Adriano De Souza (BRA) vs. Glenn Hall (IRL)

WOMEN’S PIPE INVITATIONAL FINAL RESULTS:
1- Carissa Moore (HAW) 18.96
2- Courtney Conlogue (USA) 10.50
3- Keala Kennelly (HAW) 9.23
4- Tatiana Weston-Webb (HAW) 4.84


Confession: I’m cheering for ADS!

An Adriano de Souza championship could unite the world!

Pipeline is giving ‘er hell on day three of competition. It is not as big as day one, the trials, or day two, the Fall of Kelly, but it is very clean and looks fun. The commentators are talking lots about how You Can’t Script This™ and Only a Surfer Knows the Feeling™ and I Bought My Wedding Ring from a Surf Shop™ etc. because all the contenders are still in the running because Nobody Loses in Round One™ or Round Four™.

Filipe marched through his round two heat this morning, Mick Fanning moved directly to round three. Julian Wilson has an unseasoned Wade Carmichael in heat five and Brett Simpson is back to the World Qualifying Series.

There are many scenarios, still, but if I am really going to look in the mirror and be honest with myself, I must say, “I’m an Adriano de Souza man!” The little bee slaves away in all waves while people at home say he has a “poo stance™.” But he closes his ears to their caws, shows up to work and does work. He is the professional surfer construction workers from New Jersey can get behind (plus he wears a delightful gold chain over his hairy chest in WSL profile pic). He is a people’s champ.

He just dismissed the young Jack Robinson and did you watch him sit on him toward the end. He wants this title more than all!

And don’t you want a people’s champ to hold the trophy this year? Our world is very fractured. The 1% fights the 99%. Islamic radicals fight good-livin’ folk. Donald Trump fights Mexicans and Muslims and handicapped people. An ADS championship could unite us all. Don’t you want that? Don’t you wish for world peace?

Adriano De Souza

P.S. I’m only cheering for world peace if Julian Wilson cannot miraculously win. If J-Dub does it than I am all for divisiveness and golden boy smiles!


The wildcard Bruce Irons was under terrific scrutiny at the Pipeline Masters: In Memory of Andy Irons. But he returned with a thunderous whack! Second to Mick, sure, but real close. | Photo: WSL

Pipe: Bruce, Jamie, CJ are plumed serpents!

And Kelly accelerates towards worst season ever! Day one, Pipeline Masters.

What an event of passing contradictions the Pipe Masters is. A quick glance at the six-to-eight-foot hissing waves would’ve suggested nothing but blue tubes with sunbursts dancing over it all, the very best surfers riding ‘em to oblivion.

Tens and tens.

But the famous Pipe ain’t like that. It’s in the middle of the Pacific, for one. All that bellowing of rip and wind.

“I don’t want to be cruel but it’s extremely tough out there,” said the commentator Ross Williams.

And so we must examine these contradictions of a wave so perfect, yet so raw.

Where else might a retiring athlete well into his third decade emerge with the fluid power of a tiger from nowhere and collect a perfect score?

But where else, in the very same event, might a two-point, two-wave total ensure an easy win, as Bede Durbidge discovered in round one against Adam Melling and Wiggly Dantas? The worst heat ever in competition!

The heaviest wave in the world, as some call it, with a perfect air wedge? John John just humps the joint.

Bruce Irons’ social media campaign to get into the event thrilled plenty, disappointed a couple, when he got a start in the contest as a wildcard.

And yet his performance, the third-highest heat total of round one, and vigorous enough to suggest he ain’t spent, wasn’t enough to blow past the unnatural white brilliance of Mick Fanning.

With those ping-pong ball eyes bulging on either side of his face, Filipe Toledo almost disintegrated BeachGrit’s #1 pick Jamie O’Brien. That last-second insider just about did the trick but judges are consistent, if anything, and an insider ain’t gonna get you shit.

Kolohe Andino, meanwhile, nearly belted through to round three with a one-wave total.

Kelly Slater continued his trajectory toward his worst year in 22 seasons, possibly spinning out of the top ten. He has the energy of a 20 year year old and he gleams with enthusiasm… such a joy of living!… but it don’t mean a rideable wave is going to appear in front of you.

Who knew he could be so vulnerable?

BILLABONG PIPE MASTERS ROUND 1 RESULTS:

Heat 1: Italo Ferreira (BRA) 14.26, Adrian Buchan (AUS) 9.33, Glenn Hall (IRL) 1.70

Heat 2: Mason Ho (HAW) 6.17, Jadson Andre (BRA) 5.70, Dusty Payne (HAW) 1.70
Heat 3: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 12.60, Keanu Asing (HAW) 7.84, Wade Carmichael (AUS) 3.73
Heat 4: Michel Bourez (PYF) 9.33, Adriano De Souza (BRA) 7.23, Jack Robinson (AUS) 5.06

Heat 5: Jamie O’Brien (HAW) 8.06, Filipe Toledo (BRA) 7.84, Kolohe Andino (USA) 6.50

Heat 6: Mick Fanning (AUS) 14.60, Bruce Irons (HAW) 14.33, Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 4.37

Heat 7: Kai Otton (AUS) 12.40, Julian Wilson (AUS) 3.84, Ricardo Christie (NZL) 3.10
Heat 8: Jeremy Flores (FRA) 11.27, Jordy Smith (ZAF) 7.17, Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 3.94
Heat 9: CJ Hobgood (USA) 14.97, Taj Burrow (AUS) 11.26, Kelly Slater (USA) 9.80

Heat 10: John John Florence (HAW) 13.33, Nat Young (USA) 6.67, Brett Simpson (USA) 1.50
Heat 11: Bede Durbidge (AUS) 2.84, Adam Melling (AUS) 1.14, Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) 1.10
Heat 12: Josh Kerr (AUS) 13.06, Joel Parkinson (AUS) 8.17, Miguel Pupo (BRA) 3.44

 

UPCOMING BILLABONG PIPE MASTERS ROUND 2 MATCH-UPS:

Heat 1: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Bruce Irons (HAW)
Heat 2: Taj Burrow (AUS) vs. Brett Simpson (USA)
Heat 3: Adriano De Souza (BRA) vs. Jack Robinson (AUS)
Heat 4: Matt Wilkinson (AUS) vs. Adam Melling (AUS)
Heat 5:  Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. Wade Carmichael (AUS)
Heat 6: Adrian Buchan (AUS) vs. Miguel Pupo (BRA)
Heat 7: Kelly Slater (USA) vs. Dusty Payne (HAW)
Heat 8: Jadson Andre (BRA) vs. Sebastian Zietz (HAW)
Heat 9: Nat Young (USA) vs. Glenn Hall (IRL)
Heat 10: Keanu Asing (HAW) vs. Kolohe Andino (USA)
Heat 11: Joel Parkinson (AUS) vs. Ricardo Christie (NZL)
Heat 12: Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) vs. Jordy Smith (ZAF)


The wake jockey Collin Harrington gives a visual (with camera on stick) of how water diversion technology can give lake surfing a little buzz.

How to: Get barrelled behind a boat!

All it takes is a lil water diversion technology… 

I ain’t gonna lie. When I saw this photo thrown up on Mark Mathews’ IG account I arched my eyebrows and threw my eyes back into my cranium. Barely ten feet away from the hull of a boat, on a lake, and… a barrel of sorts?

How, when, where?

A spurt of industry and I was in the arms of Mr Collin Harrington, a pro wakeboarder, skater and very keen surfer.

BeachGrit: When and where did you snatch this photo? 

I shot this in Orlando, FL. Gopro had just sent me the new Hero 4 session camera and this was the first test with it. Needless to say, it worked!

BeachGrit: How the hell y’make something like this happen? Do you need a special hull, a particularly big boat? 

All the wakeboard boat companies have been making hulls now that are actually making some really fun wake surf wakes. Some are better than others but there are a few boats around now that will do this. Its pretty wild really. It’s all touch button to make the wave however you want.

I just grew up on board sports. They both have their perks but there is still nothing like getting spat out of a solid tube on a surfboard.

(Editor’s note: It’s called water diversion technology. Click here to investigate!)

BeachGrit: Describe the sensation of swinging inside a tube behind a boat? 

I have to be honest and say the camera angle does play a bit of a mind game. You can’t quite get in it but it’s close. You can lay down and get a quick boogie tube but thats about it. The way boat companies are going though, hopefully we will be able to get fresh water tubes in the next few years.

BeachGrit: And you surf as well as wake? What thrills you about each diff sport? 

Ya , I grew up living summers in Ocean City, Maryland and Winters in the Florida Keys my whole life. I would surf and skate all summer and then in the Keys there are no waves so I would skate and wakeboard. I just grew up on board sports. They both have their perks but there is still nothing like getting spat out of a solid tube on a surfboard.

BeachGrit: Anything else about you, I should know? 

I’m 5’8”, blondish hair, enjoy short walks on the beach… ha. I’m video producer as well. I’m actually in Oahu right now for the winter shooting for O’Neill. That’s been fun so far. Been getting some good waves out here. And my family has a surf and dive charter boat we in the Virgin Islands. They weren’t able to bring the boat down there this season but we will be back next winter. Its one of my favorite places in the world. (See the charter biz here.) 


Jamie in his world.

Jamie O’Brien will win the Pipeline Masters!

Or at least totally destroy the World Title race!

Today is the day! Or maybe tomorrow, but let’s hope today. It is like Christmas morning for the professional surf fan. The promise of big, unruly Pipe thrills. Every possibility hovers but in looking at the heat draw there is one thing that thrills me more than others and its name is Jamie O’Brien.

Maybe some of you are unaware that I once directed an award-winning film called Who is JOB some years back. I did not come up with the name, it was forced upon me, but the subject was almost too delicious. Jamie had/still has to some extent, a funny reputation but he is nothing if not easy to work with. I lived in his house for the early part of the filming right there on Pipeline’s sands. Every morning I’d wake and there it would be. Pipeline. It is one of the few things in this world, I can honestly say, where familiarity does not breed contempt. It was as captivating each time.

And Jamie would surf it with such wacky comfort. Such bizarre ease. It’s not like the kid has had a cupcake run out there either. Both his legs have been broken by Pipe’s reef. Both of them. Watching him surf it, day in and day out, also captivated. I watched him in all sorts of conditions, catching all sorts of waves. I’ve seen him pack the biggest closeouts and toss pointless airs on the inside section. And today, or maybe tomorrow, I want to see him win.

It was fun to direct his film because he is as carefree with himself as he is in his surfing. The magnificent Dayten Likness, an artist who truly breathed life into the film, and I took all the footage and ran to California when it was time to edit. Jamie saw none of it, zero, until the night it premiered.

And now, five years on, he has made it back into the Pipeline Masters. Jack Robinson received the praise for winning the trials but it was Jamie O that I cheered for. Look at him, slotted into heat 5 against Filipe Toledo and Kolohe Andino. Filipe, ranked 2nd in the world, has a legit shot of winning the title. But there, by the grace of God, goes Jamie O. And how sad is Filipe right now? Of all the damn people to draw.

Hopefully he will chew right through the World Surf League rankings and leave a giant mess in his wake. That will be fun for all.

Dayten, Jamie and I.
Dayten, Jamie and I.