And Kelly accelerates towards worst season ever! Day one, Pipeline Masters.
What an event of passing contradictions the Pipe Masters is. A quick glance at the six-to-eight-foot hissing waves would’ve suggested nothing but blue tubes with sunbursts dancing over it all, the very best surfers riding ‘em to oblivion.
Tens and tens.
But the famous Pipe ain’t like that. It’s in the middle of the Pacific, for one. All that bellowing of rip and wind.
“I don’t want to be cruel but it’s extremely tough out there,” said the commentator Ross Williams.
And so we must examine these contradictions of a wave so perfect, yet so raw.
Where else might a retiring athlete well into his third decade emerge with the fluid power of a tiger from nowhere and collect a perfect score?
But where else, in the very same event, might a two-point, two-wave total ensure an easy win, as Bede Durbidge discovered in round one against Adam Melling and Wiggly Dantas? The worst heat ever in competition!
The heaviest wave in the world, as some call it, with a perfect air wedge? John John just humps the joint.
Bruce Irons’ social media campaign to get into the event thrilled plenty, disappointed a couple, when he got a start in the contest as a wildcard.
And yet his performance, the third-highest heat total of round one, and vigorous enough to suggest he ain’t spent, wasn’t enough to blow past the unnatural white brilliance of Mick Fanning.
With those ping-pong ball eyes bulging on either side of his face, Filipe Toledo almost disintegrated BeachGrit’s #1 pick Jamie O’Brien. That last-second insider just about did the trick but judges are consistent, if anything, and an insider ain’t gonna get you shit.
Kolohe Andino, meanwhile, nearly belted through to round three with a one-wave total.
Kelly Slater continued his trajectory toward his worst year in 22 seasons, possibly spinning out of the top ten. He has the energy of a 20 year year old and he gleams with enthusiasm… such a joy of living!… but it don’t mean a rideable wave is going to appear in front of you.
Who knew he could be so vulnerable?
| BILLABONG PIPE MASTERS ROUND 1 RESULTS:
Heat 1: Italo Ferreira (BRA) 14.26, Adrian Buchan (AUS) 9.33, Glenn Hall (IRL) 1.70 Heat 2: Mason Ho (HAW) 6.17, Jadson Andre (BRA) 5.70, Dusty Payne (HAW) 1.70 Heat 5: Jamie O’Brien (HAW) 8.06, Filipe Toledo (BRA) 7.84, Kolohe Andino (USA) 6.50 Heat 6: Mick Fanning (AUS) 14.60, Bruce Irons (HAW) 14.33, Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 4.37 Heat 7: Kai Otton (AUS) 12.40, Julian Wilson (AUS) 3.84, Ricardo Christie (NZL) 3.10 Heat 10: John John Florence (HAW) 13.33, Nat Young (USA) 6.67, Brett Simpson (USA) 1.50
UPCOMING BILLABONG PIPE MASTERS ROUND 2 MATCH-UPS: Heat 1: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Bruce Irons (HAW) |
My god I cannot wait for the almighty collective shitstorm to erupt when Filipe wins the world title on Wednesday.
The Parkinson Correction was the beginning of the end for Slater, depowering as it did the indefinably Kellyish bits of his small wave game and lifting the Indian sign he held over most of the rest of the field. I’m speculating, but surely this has put unbearable pressure on his undiminished waves-of-consequence specialism leading to questionable heat decisions even in conditions you’d expect him to dominate in. Being 43 probably doesn’t help either. I’m a year younger than he is and occasionally pull a hammy just watching telly
CJ has ridden the two best waves this year! That heat must be the oldest combined heat in history, the oldest I can think of anyways.
Bloody Christians. They always have to look for some sort of miracle to explain things. Devine this, penitence that…
always huh look who’s counting add no one is talking about your badger ass self g’wan kick it with the sineaters on dale mabury we’ll straighten you out hun but ya pick up on that later this men be might sting a lil too I bet …fizzy spot yaanno …#sineater
I think ‘lost it’ is a massive call tran dog. Been a lotta close heats- I reckon Huey has heard about him cheating on him with wave pool ideas-Huey’s just like- fuck this cunt I made him..
Your too kind to slater Derek. His second 2 point ride could have easily been a 7 had he positioned deeper
speaking of social media campaigns, can we start a hashtag calling out surfermag fantasy for their stupid Alternate spot. owen’s late (/ 4am AEDT) withdrawal cost me a surfer, what’s the fucking point of having an Alternate if they don’t sub in in that situation. does me V surfermag count as a blood feud?
wah
Ya should have pulled him out last night when you heard.. but maybe that’s why I’m in second place in the beachgrit comp.
i do not understand this fantasy surfer thing nor do i ever want to. is that where negatron spends all his time now?
You need to spend more time online…
Man that heat with Bede and Wiggoly and some other poor slob was terrible. Huge rips pulling them out to sea, and nothing but 10 foot chandeliering closeouts. Totally correct, worse heat in competition that I can recall.
you know filipe won that heat against job
You know he does tend to sit in and catch the smaller one’s…
smaller one’s what?
That barrel-to-360(and then some) of John’s was fucking wonderful.
Only people who have actually been paying attention this year would have noticed Kelly’s lost it. You’re forgiven.
But he’s looking pretty ripped on the beach.
fools don’t see you are certifiably dismissed once again watch Kelly win chooch