Glenn Danzig Portlandia
Glenn Danzig is the singer and founder of bands the Misfits and Danzig. In the TV series Portlandia, he appears as a Romanian fashion expert advising on how to switch from goth to beach. "Sometimes to have a good time, you have to dress a little lame.” And, "Hurley, you can never have too much Hurley." Good advice!

Billabong: “It’s a little fratty!”

And you can never have too much Hurley.

There are very many bad representations of surfing that come out of the media. Do you live in America? Do you watch car advertisements? When I lived in Australia I saw even more and worse. Like, ugh!

But sometimes there is also pure gold. Watch this bit here featuring Portlandia genius Fred Armisen and none other than Glenn Danzig. Glenn Danzig!

Portlandia, of course, is a funny-ish television show that lampoons hipster culture, rife in Portland, Oregon. If the show is unfamiliar, let me give you a taste via a couple of episode summaries.

This, from Nina’s Birthday.

“Nina goes to great lengths to throw an extravagant 32nd birthday party for herself. The day-long event is set to include a multitude of activities ranging from sunrise yoga to horseback rides. The party culminates in a Tapas Dinner, thrilling news to Kath and Dave who have just returned from a trip to Spain. A young couple is forced to take out a loan from a local banker to attend Nina’s party. Snarky responses to Evites earn a local comedian celebrity status.”

And, Doug Becomes a Feminist: “Doug discovers that he is a male feminist; Sandra takes a rideshare for the first time.”

The episode starring Danzig, Weirdos Go To The Beach, is funny, and true, and amazing.

This is how surf apparel looks to normal people. The bad fits and color and funny.

I have watched this bit, now, fifteen times and it is brilliant. I’m still figuring out how to rip and put it here. in the meantime, watch in the link and watch my, honest to goodness, favorite YouTube video of all time below.

And always remember. You can never have too much Hurley. Also, Billabong is a little fratty.

Titans of Mavericks to run Thursday!

It's the greatest show on earth and the most coveted event in big-wave surfing!

Four days ago, it was reported, here, that the Titans of Mavericks event didn’t run despite the required 20-foot waves, because of the NFL’s Super Bowl.

Chas Smith wrote:

“Surfline, forecasting website with a predilection for dark kink, claimed 23 foot plus waves with gorgeous winds. Near perfect conditions. But no Titans of Mavericks event. Why?

“That damned Super Bowl!

“And son of a bitch. First catty infighting, then being outshone by Jaws, then getting busted for sexism and now this? Everyone is pinning hopes on El Nino bringing tons more contestable action so no worries, right? Right? RIGHT? Do you think that made the Titans of Mavericks feel like their needs were met? Do you think they felt like equal citizens in this American democracy? Do surf lives matter?”

All those sad memories will be washed away when the event runs on Thursday, February 11, book-ending a satisfying week for fans of big-wave surfing, with the Eddie to run on Wednesday, February 10, Hawaiian Standard Time.

Did you know Titans of Mavericks is the most compelling of all surfing events? It says so, many times, in the press release. Let’s examine.

“Titans of Mavericks is the most coveted event in big wave surfing. Mavericks has a rich history among the annals of surfing lore. Being touted as the one of the most hazardous events in the world, and having 24 of the best conditioned big wave surfing professionals compete against each other to win this prestigious competition makes Titans of Mavericks the greatest show on earth. The 24 who compete possess fearless character and endless passion that give them these unique set of skills to challenge Mavericks each and every year. Each winter season the nation turns its focus on the quiet, yet historical coastal town of Half Moon Bay, California. Sports fans and thrill seekers bear witness and watch these Titans of great strength, mental toughness and dedication in challenging themselves. Each athlete that has been part of the history of Mavericks has shaped this event in one way or another and has given us a unique perspective in how we look at this phenomenon. Titans of Mavericks is the marquee big wave surfing contest in the world, and 24 of the world’s best in the sport vie for the opportunity to win, make a name and be etched into history.”

And if you happen to be near Mavs on Thursday, how about signing up for the VIP spectator package. One hundred dollars gets you

  • One Limited Edition Titans of Mavericks Poster
  • Signed Athlete Card
  • Titans of Mavericks Event T-Shirt (sizing needed prior to event)
  • Access to the Titans of Mavericks Closing Ceremony Event, including access to the Titans in attendance.
  • Experience the live show of Trophy presentations and event highlights.
  • Food and Drink (21+ must show ID)
  • VIP Priority Check-in and Entrance
  • VIP Pass included
  • Red Carpet Access (for pictures)

Can you think of a better way to allocate your c-note?

Donavon Frankenreiter
Do you remember those classic VZ ads? Such pop! | Photo: VZ

Blood Feud: Donavon vs Kauai Neighbour!

And you thought living on Kauai was all palm trees and chiselled reef waves?

Donavon Frankenreiter, mustachioed member of the Momentum Generation who parlayed his throwback style and ability with an acoustic guitar into a thriving musical career, appeared in Kauai court yesterday seeking a temporary restraining order against a neighbor.

Court documents paint a picture of a run of the mill disagreement between two neighbours who don’t like each other vicious ongoing feud featuring threats, thrown beer bottles and terrified children.

In our quest to provide low effort pandering to the lowest common denominator hard hitting journalistic coverage of all the goings-on the “Surf Industry” doesn’t want you to know about, TMZ BeachGrit walked up to the clerk’s window and asked for a copy of the publicly available document attained exclusive access to the secret government documents through one of its many loyal informants.

Let’s examine!


Me and you and all our friends soaking in Las Vegas fluorescents, drinking watered down things, losing money on Bruce Irons!
Me and you and all our friends soaking in Las Vegas fluorescents, drinking watered down things, losing money on Bruce Irons!

Sin: Let’s gamble on the Eddie!

Quiksilver's In Memory of Eddie Aikau could make us all rich (poor)!

More money was bet on this past Super Bowl than any other single event ever. 132.5 million dollars properly and legally placed in Las Vegas. 4.2 billion dollars illegally with Italian mobsters and such. Much of it was lost, of course, Las Vegas is very smart with their spreads etc. and much of it was lost, illegally, too. Italian mobsters breaking kneecaps and such.

Which brings us to tomorrow’s Eddie. It might be the most perfect of surf events to gamble on. There is enough history for novices to go back and see how it works. The scoring is simple. It is generally clear when someone has surfed a better wave than another. The whole thing runs in one day.

And just think of all the different things that could be bet upon! During the Super Bowl, for example, there was an over/under on how long it would take for Lady Gaga to sing the national anthem. The Eddie could have an over/under on how many times Kelly Slater gives a backhanded compliment to a competitor. Wave height, top score, top four, winner, number of wipeouts, number of broken leashes, are easy money lines etc. etc. Endless!

Finally, the Eddie would look gorgeous broadcast on those giant screens wrapping Las Vegas sports books. It would be fun for all and maybe especially the fat Midwesterners losing their life savings.

Which is Surfer and which The Inertia?

Candid: “I’m a jerk!”

Who wants to be calm and focused all the time?

Justin Cote, formerly of Transworld Surf, currently Marketing Director of SUPERbrand, sent Derek that clip of Marzo this morning and asked if we’d post it. Why not? It’s good stuff, maybe it’ll convince them to give us some money. Probably not, but whatever.

I like Justin Cote. He spearfishes, and is one of the few people in the surf industry who’s actually met me. Because I’m a weird hermit who enjoys his solitude and I’m self aware enough to realize that I can be very difficult to deal with. Which is why I’ve never so much as spoken to Derek or Chas on the phone. All contact via email, and I like it that way. I never know what will come out of my mouth once I’ve opened it.

Sure, Derek is half a world away, but I’m in California often enough that I could easily pick up the phone and spend some time with Chas. But I won’t, because I don’t like doing the awkward little social dance that comes with meeting new people. It’s not so much that I’m worried people won’t like me. Plenty of people can’t stand my stupid face, doesn’t bother me at all. If it did I’d act a hell of a lot differently. Or try to, I may be too old for true personal growth.

The trouble comes when I don’t like someone, I’ve never learned how to pretend. Never had to, my wife fills that role and we’ve been together since we were kids. It’s called enabling.

So Derek asked me to pump out a few paragraphs, and I was more than happy to comply because that type of thing is easy. Watch the video, come up with an idea, run with it.

Though asking me to write something about your brand is like handing a twelve year old a bottle of tequila and bag full of M-80s. Something cool might happen, but it’ll probably end in tears.

And all I could think about was the autism. Which is a touchy subject, and not something I’m comfortable mocking. What little compassion I have pops up in the strangest of places. I feel the same way about Down’s Syndrome. Not to conflate the two, I just don’t usually give a shit about other people, but for some reason, in those cases, I kind of do.

I’m thirty five years old, born in 1980. Not old, not young, slowly creeping toward middle age. Or not so slowly. God damn all those old fuckers who told me I’d blink one day and find my twenties long gone. What a shitty thing to be right about.

Looking back, the late 80’s and 90’s, the earliest my memories go, were a weird time. Concussions weren’t a big deal, good thing because I knocked myself out a solid half dozen times before I turned eighteen. Which might explain a few things. Helmets were for fags, which was totally acceptable to say back then.

Looking back, the late 80’s and 90’s, the earliest my memories go, were a weird time. Concussions weren’t a big deal, good thing because I knocked myself out a solid half dozen times before I turned eighteen. Which might explain a few things. Helmets were for fags, which was totally acceptable to say back then.

Kind of still is, if the dude I parked next to while checking the surf a few days ago is any indication. “If my son was a faggot I’d fucking kill myself.” Who says that in public? It’s enough to make me wish there were a god, and that she had a sense of humor.

Autism wasn’t really around yet either, other than the Hollywood notion of counting dropped toothpicks. ADD reared its head, but I was well into my teens at that point and was spared medication. Fuck adderall, who wants to be calm and focused all the time?

Anyway, I skirted through the system as a problem kid. Bad attitude, total lack of respect for authority figures. Acting out in class, the occasional violent explosion. Good grades though, at least until I realized they didn’t matter. I developed the ability to lie with conviction, which has served me well.

Note to parents: “Tell the truth and you won’t get in trouble,” is a better object lesson than interrogation tactic.

I’m very lucky autism wasn’t on educators’ radars back then, because I’m sure I’d’ve been tested, and I’d probably have landed somewhere on the spectrum. Which would have sucked. Not because autism is bad, but because they’d have labeled me and treated me accordingly, and would have given me an easy cop out for my behavior. I might not have learned important lessons like, you know, you shouldn’t viciously attack someone just because they hurt your feelings. No matter how much you want to, and no matter how good it would feel.

And all the weird shit I still pull, it’s not because of my how my brain is wired, it’s because I’m a jerk with a persecution complex who lives life on an emotional roller coaster.