Memories...
Memories... | Photo: WSL?

Kelly Slater’s mom to champ: “Retire!”

The champ gets tough love from his mama!

Bells. What do we do with her? What do we do with an uninspiring, yet historically important, artifact? Should it be downgraded to a QS thing? Rolled out occasionally for heritage heats? Done away with entirely? What? I remember many years ago when Mundaka was dropped from the tour. It was an impossible tragedy to my younger mind. The stops on the “dream tour” seemed dictated to Brodie Carr from God himself. And of course she was a fickle, fickle wave but she was also stunningly picturesque and had nice traditions, like tossing the winner into the drink.

But just like that, overnight, she was gone. Of course no one except the Basques really miss. And it would be the same, I imagine, if Bells was let out to pasture. Speaking of the past, have you seen the WSL t-shirts? They read: World Surf League. Since 1976. Is that legal to claim? Can anyone make up a start date? Yeah? BeachGrit. Since 408 BC. Is that ok?

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And also, Kelly Slater. Our handsome champion. His face is getting a little bit wider, as happens in age, but it really becomes him, I think. He got dumped by Michel Bourez yesterday and admitted to ESPN that he is in a “year long slump.”

When asked if it was time to hang up the jersey (buy here!), he replied, “I’ve been thinking about that for 15 years. I will say even my mum texted me and said ‘maybe you should think about it’. She goes ‘but then again, I said that to you before and you came back and won the world title that year’.”

Watching the man surf, it doesn’t necessarily seem the skill level has dropped precipitously, it just looks like he is on weird boards and just plain doesn’t really care. Which begs the question, why do it? But maybe it really begs the question why not do it? Many retiring pros talk about the grind of life on tour but maybe it isn’t a grind for Kelly. He has been to all the stops so many times he may well have houses, cute little wives and broods of small children in each. Maybe he can’t imagine life any other way.

If you were the champ and had lived your entire adult life around the world would you want to stop? Where would you lay your head, at the end? And, assuming Kelly has a cute wife at each stop, which do you think is his favorite? The blonde and impossibly tan Gold Coast girl? The red head from Torquay? The hearty Sheila from West Oz? The dusky heartthrob from Ipanema? Etc.?

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John John Florence
Stardust like John John Florence (and Mason Ho, if you really want to get into it) aren't made or fostered or whatever else, they just… are…  | Photo: WSL

“Hawaii’s pride in surfing slipped”?

Is a new kid program in Hawaii a backdoor to rewriting event regulations?

Strange rumblings from the WSL Hawaii office as community outreach seeks to lure innocent children into their lair.

This past Wednesday the WSL announced the launch of its Junior Development Program, a PR maneuver intended to “focus on career readiness, mentorship, tour preparation, and a path to global surf industry opportunities.”

Slightly less nefarious than my own, already existing Junior Development Program, which consists of observing adorable little girls blossom into buxom young ladies over a span of gorgeous summer days, the WSL plans to hold a number of workshops dedicated to fostering the development of contest robots in the Hawaiian archipelago.

Slightly less nefarious than my own, already existing Junior Development Program, which consists of observing adorable little girls blossom into buxom young ladies over a span of gorgeous summer days, the WSL plans to hold a number of workshops dedicated to fostering the development of contest robots in the Hawaiian archipelago.

Today marks the first, and “will include tour scheduling and planning with Pancho Sullivan, mentorship and goal setting with Freddy Patacchia, priority rules and judging, social media procedure and etiquette, injury prevention and more.”

“Social media procedure and etiquette!” What does that mean? Don’t post a rant about niggers, keep your naughty bits to yourself? Good advice, right there.

But why now?

“The Junior Development Program, coupled with a concerted effort to increase Junior and entry level Qualifying Series events in the Hawaii/Tahiti Nui region, is the first step toward Hawaii’s hopes of reigning in Australia and Brazil…[sic]”

Yeah, right.

Seriously, why has an organization that runs roughshod over local ordinances, provides an ever shrinking number of wildcard slots for local competitors and gleefully attempts to misrepresent laws to their advantage decided to play the “think of the children!” card?

Because the residents of Hawaii are “complacent” (read: lazy), and because “Hawaii’s pride and place in surfing slipped.”

Ouch. No pride, no place. Pretty brutal, especially when taken out of context.

But, really, why? The press release clearly spells out real challenges faced by Hawaii groms that aspire to a dream of surf stardom, remote geography, lack of sponsorship opportunities, a tiny number of contests that provide ‘QS points, without doing anything to address them.

A conspiracy minded fellow might look toward the tail end of the text.

“Policy –  a limited number of beaches available to competition, with a limited number of permits and competition days therein.”

Is this merely a half-assed maneuver to build good will before yet another attempt at rewriting the North Shore’s restrictive shorewater event regulations?

Yes, the Department of Parks and Recreation already gifts the comps variances, and yes, I do have copies of emails in which the Pipe Master permit holder instructs the DPR exactly how he wants the variances worded, but we all know that too much is never enough.

If the WSL really cared about the next gen of Hawaii surfers they’d work toward setting up contests in Town, on the West Side or on one of the Outer Islands.

It’d be pretty easy, do the same thing they did in Brazil. Ignore the rule book, let ’em run without paying up front.

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Conner Coffin smells good! | Photo: WSL

Day Five, Bells: “Indignation!”

Should the world's best be forced to tag a wind-eaten four-foot pain in the ass?

It was late 2012 when ZoSea’s Paul Speaker and Tez Hardy came in and convinced the perpetually broke ASP to hand over the keys to pro surfing? For the third time in the three decades of pro surfing, the sport had itself a new daddy.

There sure was a lot of talk of new futures etc. Surf co’s could now buy ’emselves an event for one mill instead of three. Made you wanna drink and shoot dice. Pro surfing was gettin’ good.

So, a couple of years later, what have we got? Same damn thing we had in 1976 or at least 1988.

This morning’s heritage heat between Barton Lynch (1988 world champ) and two-times Bells winner Damien Hardman (and 87 and 91 world champ) was living proof of that hoary old epigram “Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose” or “The more shit changes, the more it’s the same old thang.”

Watch this heat between the two fifty-somethings. There’s only so many ways to eat a dirty burger.

Is this the best use of the world’s best surfers’ phenomenal skills? To grimly tag a wind-eaten four-foot pain in the ass?

Did you see John John’s face when he lost to the rookie Caio Ibelli by four-hundredths of point? Don’t you think we could maybe midwife John John’s talents into something a little better than this? Y’think he’s going to bother dropping his britches and whipping his dick out on tour if this is all there is?

There was a lot of talk of apples versus oranges between John John and Caio. As in, does mediocrity on a set beat someone who drags you down an alley and knocks you out?

Well, yeah, it does. 

Still, there were…moments… as there has to be. The Santa Babs rookie Conner Coffin was smellin’ good.

Kelly continued his slow-mo train wreck, losing to Michel Bourez.

And, tell me, at the five minute mark, does Kelly fall off at the end of the turn, scoop himself up in the whitewater, fooling the judges into an eight and a piece?

 

RESULTS:

Round 3 Results:
Heat 7: Mick Fanning (AUS) 16.60 def. Dusty Payne (HAW) 11.57
Heat 8: Jordy Smith (ZAF) 15.33 def. Kai Otton (AUS) 13.26
Heat 9: Conner Coffin (USA) 16.27 def. Joel Parkinson (AUS) 13.26
Heat 10: Michel Bourez (PYF) 14.83 def. Kelly Slater (USA) 13.70
Heat 11: Caio Ibelli (BRA) 15.54 def. John def. John Florence (HAW) 15.50
Heat 12: Davey Cathels (AUS) 15.40 def. Gabriel Medina (BRA) 12.07

Round 4 heats:
Heat 1: Italo Ferreira (BRA), Nat Young (USA), Julian Wilson (AUS)
Heat 2: Matt Wilkinson (AUS), Wiggolly Dantas (BRA), Mason Ho (HAW)
Heat 3: Mick Fanning (AUS), Jordy Smith (ZAF), Conner Coffin (USA)
Heat 4: Michel Bourez (PYF), Caio Ibelli (BRA), Davey Cathels (AUS)

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Mason HO

Mason Ho: “My Heart Spilt Everywhere!”

And the viewer's spirit finally begins to soar! Day four, Bells…

It’s really easy to lay a shit on the Rip Curl Pro. It’s a contest that should’ve been retired, with all its great memories (1981, Mick’s four wins, Andy, Kelly) a long time ago, but one that now staggers like a drunk: great bursts of sentimentality followed by resentment and maudlin grief.

It’s like second-rate champagne. Once you’ve tasted it, y’ain’t never going to touch it again.

But the WSL show is a class act. No one deviates off script, even the losing surfers.

“It’s not the world’s greatest wave but it…it…provides some good action,” said the vaguely diplomatic Taj Burrow, who came last.

The roving commentator Peter Mel, excellent by any measure and a symbol of the great big-wave surfer, was intoxicated by the merchandise stand.

“Been scenes I’ve ever seen,” he said.

From Martin Potter on the closeout shore break. “This is where all the meat and potatoes come from.”

And so on.

It wasn’t until the iridescent, irresistible Mason Ho, here as an injury replacement, stole a last-minute win against the world champion that the viewer’s spirit began to soar.

“It feels really good to go good in front of all these cool people… whoo… I spilt my heart all over,” he said.

Watch that here.

And the horror of Sebastian Zietz scoring a nine-five and still losing.

Conner Coffin is a young and lovely boy doing beautiful things. Big brown eyes and real yellow hair, too.

Dusty Payne? Bold where others were timid.

Round 2 results:
Heat 1: Italo Ferreira (BRA) 13.43 def. Tim Stevenson (AUS) 11.67

Heat 2: Mason Ho (HAW) 10.64 def. Jeremy Flores (FRA) 9.80

Heat 3: Kelly Slater (USA) 12.90 def. Timothee Bisso (GLP) 10.50

Heat 4:  Dusty Payne (HAW) 13.84 def. Josh Kerr (AUS) 12.94

Heat 5: Jordy Smith (ZAF) 15.87 def. Adam Melling (AUS) 14.50

Heat 6: Adrian Buchan (AUS) 14.23 def. Alex Ribeiro (BRA) 5.27

Heat 7:  Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 13.94 def. Kolohe Andino (USA) 13.84

Heat 8: Miguel Pupo (BRA) 15.10 def. Taj Burrow (AUS) 15.00

Heat 9: Caio Ibelli (BRA) 16.83 def. Ryan Callinan (AUS) 16.43

Heat 10: Stuart Kennedy (AUS) 13.20 def. Matt Banting (AUS) 10.57

Heat 11: Conner Coffin (USA) 14.53 def. Jadson Andre (BRA) 14.20

Heat 12: Michel Bourez (PYF) 16.77 def. Keanu Asing (HAW) 13.23

Round 3 Results:
Heat 1: Italo Ferreira (BRA) 17.00 def. Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 15.83

Heat 2: Nat Young (USA) 13.50 def. Stuart Kennedy (AUS) 7.67

Heat 3: Julian Wilson (AUS) 12.44 def. Miguel Pupo (BRA) 9.67

Heat 4: Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 15.47 def. Kanoa Igarashi (USA) 8.37

Heat 5: Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) 13.37 def. Adrian Buchan (AUS) 12.60

Heat 6: Mason Ho (HAW) 15.10 def. Adriano De Souza (BRA) 14.33

Remaining Round 3 Match-Ups:
Heat 7: Mick Fanning (AUS) vs. Dusty Payne (HAW)

Heat 8: Jordy Smith (ZAF) vs. Kai Otton (AUS)

Heat 9: Joel Parkinson (AUS) vs. Conner Coffin (USA)

Heat 10: Kelly Slater (USA) vs. Michel Bourez (PYF)

Heat 11: John John Florence (HAW) vs. Caio Ibelli (BRA)

Heat 12: Gabriel Medina (BRA) vs. Davey Cathels (AUS)

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Benson, who's been a wanted man since 2014, was pulled over by BI police after exceeding the speed limit on Alii Drive. They ran his name, got a hit, and he decided to make a run for it. Which might have worked, the Big Island is BIG, plenty of places to hide. Unfortunately for him, he got got. | Photo: pinchmysalt.tv

Ten Years Jail for Tonino Benson?

A wanted man since 2014, the Hawaiian WQS surfer Tonino Benson just got got.

The Big Island’s Tonino Benson is behind bars, and likely to stay there for a while, after a series of absolutely terrible decisions caught up with him this past week.

Benson, who’s been a wanted man since 2014, was pulled over by BI police after exceeding the speed limit on Alii Drive. They ran his name, got a hit, and he decided to make a run for it. Which might have worked, the Big Island is BIG, plenty of places to hide. Unfortunately for him, he got got.

The arresting officer claims he was nearly hit by Benson’s vehicle, which we can all safely assume to be a load of shit, since all cops are cowards. But that’s little help for Benson, because pigs love to tack on assault charges if someone so much as tugs their tail.

HOPE is a last chance program for those deemed likely to violate their probation, marked by intense supervision and immediate short term sentences for violations. But absconsion is grounds for revocation, and then the hammer comes down. In the words of BeachGrit‘s legal consultant, my wife, “You fuck up big on HOPE, you’re fucked.”

Benson’s initial 2014 arrest stemmed from a burglary in Kailua-Kona and landed him in Hawaii’s Opportunity Probation with Enforcement, more commonly known as HOPE.

HOPE is a last chance program for those deemed likely to violate their probation, marked by intense supervision and immediate short term sentences for violations. But absconsion is grounds for revocation, and then the hammer comes down. In the words of BeachGrit‘s legal consultant, my wife, “You fuck up big on HOPE, you’re fucked.”

His attorney has requested a mental health evaluation, not unreasonable considering the fact that Benson seems hell bent on destroying his life. But it’s unlikely to find success, as his “assault” on the officer in the course of his escape is the least of his troubles.

His initial offenses, for which he entered a deferred acceptance of no contest, meaning the case would have been dismissed had he finished his four-year probation, included charges of first-degree burglary, a Class B felony that carries a ten-year indeterminate sentence. Which means he goes away for ten years and hopes the parole board lets him out early. Which it probably will, but not any time soon.

In other Outer Island news, the Big Island Mayor, Billy Kenoi, has been indicted for felony theft, misdemeanor theft, tampering with a government record, and false swearing, and a warrant has been issued for his arrest.

Kenoi was caught red handed last year misusing his government issue credit cards, employing government funds to make purchases such as a stand-up paddle board. Most amusing, however, is the $892 tab he picked up at Club Evergreen,a Korean hostess establishment, colloquially referred to as “buy me drinkee” bars.

If you’re unfamiliar with the term, as I was prior to relocating to Hawaii, a buy me drinkee bar is basically a strip club, but the women don’t get naked.

Instead you pay grossly inflated rates for their company while you drink. Maybe they do sex work on the side, I don’t know. I’m not exactly keyed into the culture.

Kenoi maintains that, because he paid the money back, he doesn’t feel he’s done anything wrong.

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