Aren't your twenties all about making bad
decisions?
When I was in my early twenties a number of friends
bought tattoo machines. Which was terrifying. I was
drinking heavily, lots of lost days and nights, and I had a
recurring nightmare in which I’d drunkenly get a shitting dog
tattooed on my chest.
Woke me up pulse racing a hundred times. What I remember of my
dreams is usually very surreal, so the realistic ones do a good job
rattling me. They always feature me running from the cops for some
unspecified offense, or it’s finals day and I’m in a panic because
I forgot to study.
The latter is especially fucked. It’s been over a decade since I
was trapped in academia, the ol’ mind-brain needs to give me a
break. On the cops one too, I’m a white upwardly mobile guy with a
spotless criminal record. I’d need to kill someone to get in real
trouble. Very worst case scenario, I’d be looking at three days
in Kauai County Jail. Place is hardly Oz.
Been free of the tattoo nightmare for years and years.
Until last night.
The missus was talking to her brother on the phone, and he
mentioned his buddy just bought a machine.
Oh, no.
Sure enough, the little bozos are scribbling all over each
other.
I mean, isn’t that what your twenties are about? Making bad
decisions? We live a fairly long time, ideally, so long as you
don’t have any kids there aren’t a lot of dumb mistakes you can’t
come back from.
I met my wife fifteen years ago, when her youngest brother was
seven. Watched him grow from a spoiled little monster into a pretty
cool adult. The wife says I’ve been a huge influence on him, which
probably isn’t great. Not that I accept any responsibility. He’s a
grown man now, he can make his own decisions.
Even if those decisions are stupid. I mean, isn’t that what your
twenties are about? Making bad decisions? We live a fairly long
time, ideally, so long as you don’t have any kids there aren’t a
lot of dumb mistakes you can’t come back from.
Even tattoos, I guess.
Removal technology has come a long way, plenty of guys I know
are getting shit scrubbed from their faces. Which is great. Tattoos
are cool, I’ve got a few of my own, but I’ve never seen one on
someone’s face that didn’t seem indicative of some sort of mental
disorder. Like that poor kid, Antwon
Dixon. Man, did the skate industry eat him alive
or what?
I asked my brother in law to send me a picture, needed to
witness what his idiocy hath wrought. I was not disappointed.
“What’s that supposed to be?”
“It’s a chick holding ice cream cones under her tits.”
“With an upside down crucifix over her box?”
“No, that’ supposed to be her pubes, shaved into one.”
“Same thing. What’s with the flying pig?”
“It’s funny. I’ve got a mole smoking a joint on my other
leg.”
“Those are terrible.”
“I know, but they’re on my thighs, no one can see them. Except
for girls, sometimes.”
“If the tattoos are jokes, does that make your dick the
punchline?”
Matt "Mayhem" Biolos is an artist at the height of
his powers.
Matt “Mayhem” Biolos today is Lou Reed in 1967.
He is Takeshi Murakami in 2000. He is Hedi Slimane in 2002 and Greg
Louganis in 1988 and Fyodor Dostoyevsky in 1864 and Paul Bocuse in
1975 and Sir Isaac Newton in 1666.
He is an artist at the height of his powers.
And if you have never owned a Matt Biolos board you you will
kick yourself in 25 years for missing out just like our
parents kick themselves today for not buying Apple stock in 1980
for $22 a share. Of course you could get a custom shaped thing but
why wait? His boards, off the rack, are as delicious as any. He is
that good and your surfing will shine when guided by the
brushstrokes of his hand.
You think I am prone to over-exaggeration? You think that
Pac-Sun bought …Lost and BeachGrit and Futures fins and is
driving an ill-conceived, poorly executed piece of advertorial down
your open throat? Shame on you! Shame indeed!
(Dear Pac-Sun…I can’t speak for my wonderful friends at …Lost or
Futures but let me introduce BeachGrit! We are as fun as
we are fresh, anti-depressive to the core, and would make a lovely
counterpart to the rest of your online surf wear sales
business…)
I am not exaggerating at all! Matt’s boards are a revelation and
maybe it is because he makes them for you and me and himself. He
makes them for the average and then scales them for his stars. And
maybe it is good that you waited, if you have never owned, because
today is a new day and he in unveiling a new technology. Carbon
Wrap! What makes Carbon Wrap so good? Let’s ask the master!
Why should we care about carbon wraps? Real
talk!
Honestly, I fell in love with these boards when I first
laid eyes and, immediately thereafter, feet on. The
combination of EPS foam and epoxy resin has long been a lively
pairing for greater-strength-to-weight ratio surfboards,
featuring a lively pop in small to moderate surf. The benefits of
carbon re-enforcements versus the old wooden stringer
have already proven popular, and fairly easily felt under the
foot of intermediate to expert, and even professional surfers. What
Dan MacDonald (the inventor of CW) came up
with that is so unique is the carbon bands create an engineered
flex focused just in front of the fins. This is the magic of
CarbonWrap. The tail, under the pressure of the surfers’ feet and
G-forces in the wave, loads up and snaps back with astonishing
bursts of speed. Combined with the light, and relatively high
strength-to-weight ratio, construction of EPS foam and epoxy resin,
and a composite of multiple direction layers and weaves of
fiberglass and carbon fiber, these boards are electric underfoot.
There was a solid five years of hard core RnD that went into Carbon
Wrap before we got involved. Dan’s stroke of genius, The
Wrap, had been through many incarnations. We got involved about 18
months ago. We began to build dozens of boards for athletes
(and for myself and my crew of Domesticated RnD guys) and refined
all aspects of the construction. Sure, the WCT might not jump all
over it. It’s not necessarily about them. The thing about
CarbonWrap is that it most benefits the average surfer. In
small-to-moderate surf, it feels like it does the work for
you. Almost like pedaling one of those electric assisted
bicycles up a hill.
What’s the smackdown, price-wise?
The boards are between $750.00 and $800.00 in the US
with the price being right about the same but adjusted
to Australian dollars in Australia.
What’s the difference, in layman terms,
tween Hayden’s FF and the carbon wraps?
Look, Hayden really pioneered bringing this genre of
construction to the global surf market. Before him, these boards
were more on the niche side of board building. He broke down the
door and figured how to take them to the global market. I was
there. He made multiple trips to southern California , stayed at my
house and introduced me to his construction. We traveled to Japan
and built hundreds of those things in Chiba together.
That said, the way Carbon Wrap is engineered, with the
carbon bands beginning at the nose, slowly splaying outward towed
the tail then strategically “wrapping ” the rails and becoming a
perfectly positioned tail patch, it’s is easy to see that the flex
is engineered in a more focused and specific way. We also added the
fused carbon strip in the deck which gives a little extra push-back
and projection forward under the front foot and encourages the deck
to eventually cave in and resemble that of your foot’s arch, and a
standard wooden-stringer board, rather than having the entire deck
caving in, rail to rail.
For you, me, real life surfers, not Kolohe etc, what
diff is it going to make?
Listen. Although our WQS team is raving about CW, and using
them in comps, as well as re-ordering more of them the time, I
honestly feel that these boards will in fact make a bigger “diff”
for guys like us, than the top surfers. Surfing a already easy for
them! We are just supplying a board to help make surfing more
fun, and hopefully somewhat easier, for the the real life
surfer.
Go and get one now. And get one with a Futures box. Their fins
smash those poorly engineered, poorly advertised FCS things. 11
Championship Tour Wins wins in 11 Championship Tour tries (2015).
Who wants to surf like they are part of the World Surf League? Not
John John Florence and he is even part of the World Surf
League!
Could last year's ROY be this year's champ? Mick
Fanning allegedly says "Yes!"
Some rumors here are ironclad. “Rumor” in name
only, as it were. Others are a bit flimsier. Whispers floating on
warm winds. This is one of the later but too juicy to keep all to
my lonesome!
Get a load of this! Apparently, a brand executive overheard your
three time world champ Mick “White Lightening” Fanning mention,
ahead of this year’s Snapper kickoff, who stood the best chance to
win the 2016 World Surf League World Title. His answer included
three Brazilians, which should come as no surprise, but what may
shock is that the leader, potential winner, first time World Champ
was none other than…
Your most recent Rookie-of-the-Year Italo Ferreira!
And maybe it shouldn’t shock. The young Brazilian came storming
out of nowhere to end his inaugural season number seven in the
world. He surfed all sorts of waves, from playful beachbreak to
thundering reefy barrels, with aplomb. He had style. He showed
class. Surfing’s great historian Matt Warshaw even calls him, “My
main man” and also says, “I’m Italo’s biggest, oldest fan.”
Let’s ask Matt right now if he thinks an Italo victory is
possible!
(You can read a Zach Weisberg paragraph while we wait for Matt
to respond!)
If you don’t feel your perspective is represented, or you
disagree with something you read, don’t get mad. You can
participate! Lo and behold, this is the only placethat will
embrace you with open arms. That was largely
the reason this thing started. If you think we disagree, you
might be right. But we might run it anyway. Just
email us. Our editorial team will have a look, provide
feedback, and if your submission seems like a good fit, a million
plus people might read it.
A million plus people might read The Inertia? Wow! But
let’s head back over to Italo. Do you think he has a shot? Would
you love to see him raise the cup after Pipeline? Is it possible
not to love Italo?
(You can read another Zach Weisberg paragraph while thinking up
your response!)
And that’s an ongoing challenge for media: indulging the
ability to criticize influencers while maintaining a positive
working relationship. But that’s something for me to worry about.
Not you. I’ll walk that line, take the beatings on both sides, and
do my best to figure out a way to make our most valuable
stakeholders happy. But, as they say, you can’t please everyone.
That doesn’t end well.
Can I have your board? Can I tell you about my
experiences with concave?
I won’t even begin to pretend that, at various
points in my career, I haven’t felt overwhelmed, subjugated, under
spell, by high-end pro surfers.
It’s a fame thing. I get it. I see it.
The way a pro surfer will swing in to my little town and his
acolytes will follow, always arranged in a subconscious hierarchy
in a line as they march to a bar, to a restaurant, the number one
pal half-a-step behind the pro star, number five at the back of the
pack. The way their heads are turned away when the dinner bill
comes and the high-end pro surfer, depending upon his generosity
rating, either discreetly slips his card into the leather billfold
or uselessly searches for…someone… to make a token gesture
at payment.
Can you imagine being surrounded by yes-men and dumb, beautiful
girls who’ll fall into a deep squat just because of your fame, even
if you’re paunchy and charmless. No one but the famous can
appreciate the power of true harlotry.
But, as life ain’t all cake, fame isn’t always singing with
seduction and worship.
Can you imagine the dumb, intrusive questions y’have to live
with?
Small price, sure, and yes if only, but tell me you would be
worn thin if, every day, every contest you were asked:
Can I have your board?
I travel as what is loosely termed a “journalist” on surf trips.
Sometimes I have to write something, sometimes shoot a film,
sometimes I just surf and observe. And, every single day, a pro
will have someone engage ‘em in conversation, be all pally, and,
before you know it… can I have your board? Who asks
such a thing? Would you walk up to Leo Decap and say, nice 100-foot
boat, can I have? Yeah, I get that pros get free boards, and most
‘em do leave most of ‘em around the world, for kids, for the
families they stay with, but why would they wanna give away a sled
to someone who was non-existent in their lives five minutes
previous? Say what you want about pros, but I’m always amazed by
their patience, by their kindness in refusal.
Is that a single-double concave into a slight vee through
the tail?
It ain’t a secret that light concaves and vee through the
tail are invisible to everyone except shapers in fluorescent-lit
shaping bays. But, when you’re a pro surfer, everyone wants to talk
design. They’ll grab your board, spin it on its side, run a cupped
hand along the rail, say things like: Blockier than I
thought. Or, I’m guessing this is 32 litres.How
much do you weigh? And, most painfully, the fan will engage in
deep philosophical discussion about the merits of single and double
concave and vee in the tail, and how it has impacted upon their own
surfing.
Can I have a tail-pad?
I know one pro surfer, helluva of a guy, helluva surfer, and he
says how difficult it is to stop his pals from raiding every
tail-pad delivery. Think about it. A high-end pro mows through a
hundred or so boards a year. That’s a real big box of pads. Now
imagine all the times he gets asked for one of his tail-pads. My
pal says he always ends up buying at least half-a-dozen at 60 bucks
a shot. I know, don’t feel sorry for the millionaire sonofabitch.
But, fuck.
Who are you sponsored by?
There he stands, our dazzling hero, in head to thong Billabong,
with VonZipper glasses, wearing a Nixon watch and holding a
surfboard that confirms his employers.
Do you have a wife-girlfriend?
The dumbest question! No!
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Hello Mikey Wright! Are you the wild man the tour
needs? | Photo: Quiksilver
Are they the freshest air or do they stink of
chemical products floating on the breeze?
Are the seven WSL rookies for 2016 a breath of
the freshest air or do they stink of chemical products floating on
the breeze? Let’s meet!
#1 Ciao Ibelli, Brazil
For those who doubt the peloton effect, watch
this rookie come on tour as a fully-fledged man amongst men,
slipstreaming right into the psychological advantage of the
Brazilian front-runners.
Proof that supply side economics does work in rare instances.
ie. a rising tide does float all boats. We saw that with the way De
Souza learnt to ride Pipe, Gabby likewise at Pipe and Chopes,
Filipe on the right path.
Ibelli has the most powerful bottom turn on tour, before he even
starts. Rookie of the Year.
#2 Ryan Callinan, Australia
Chinese I Ching, the Book of Changes, would say
the timing is propitious for Ryan Callinan. An ecological niche has
become vacant on tour with the retirements of CJ Hopgood and
Freddie P, namely, working class goofyfooter.
Actually, Callinan is a bit more than that. Of all the rookies,
he’s the only one I can get excited about. Very classy repertoire:
progressive, powerful. More than a hint of Clay Marzo minus the
Aspergers. Craig Anderson with a functioning back leg. You think
I’m being a parochial jackass, backing an aussie goofyfooter?
Watch this video and make up your own
mind.
Callinan has already been through a mild version of hype, come
out the other side as a smart, well-adjusted kid. He’s obviously
got the chops and is smart enough to figure out the game. Is he
dumb enough to think that it matters?
From the I Ching: Trial and tribulation can hone exceptional
character to a razor edge that slices deftly through every
challenge. Action prevails where words will fail.
#3 Connor Coffin, USA
There’s everything to like about CC’s surfing
and nothing to hate. Smooth, on rail, stylish, progressive, seems
like a lovely kid, Santa Babs style as deep as the Mariana trench,
made Sunset Beach look good etc… and yet, taken as a whole the
package seems a bit… a bit I don’t know, pseudo, a bit soft.
I like it, it’s just I don’t feel anything when I see
it.
I see you Bradley Gerlach, flying down the 805 in your
convertible getting all red-faced and apoplectic, come on down and
defend your boy. Tell me I’m a worthless internet hack who couldn’t
surf his way out of a wet paper bag and whose opinion is worth
five-eighths of fuck all. Bring the noise, but first look into your
heart of hearts and tell me honestly you wouldn’t like to see
Connor with just a touch more Andy Irons, a smidgin of Bobby
Martinez, a bit more mongrel about him before he launches into a
pro career. You do don’t you!
That’s all I’m saying, baby.
You can coach technique but you can’t coach character. Parker =
new improved Taylor Knox?
#4 Jack Freestone, Australia
Taking an omniscient view of the good ship
“Jack Freestones career” we spy from our vantage three dangerous
shoals ahead.
The first is genetic.
Jack is tall timber and his specialty is a progressive aerial
repertoire. As we saw last year during his Snapper wildcard, when
it’s small and weak he looks underpowered and cumbersome. Against
smaller opponents like Filipe Toledo in three-foot surf his genetic
attributes become a drag. He needs to quickly develop more big turn
carving and shift water, as well as learn to manhandle heavy
lefts.
The second shoal is expectation, or the weight of
unrealised expectation. Freestone has been talked up since he won
the world junior title and it was expected he would quickly
slipstream his Coolangatta homies Parko and Fanning. Not so. In the
meantime his peers and those younger than him have won events and
world titles. That could be motivation in the right hands, in the
wrong ones a disincentive to do the work required.
Which leads to the third hazard ahead. Attitude.
Freestone has already won the prize: Instagram followers, Alana
Blanchard etc etc. Why does he even need to be on tour? He’s
already expressed ambivalence, he can’t come out of the gates at
Snapper tentative, trying to feel his way in, wondering if all this
hassle is worth it. Snapper and Bells suit his surfing.
If he lacks impact there he risks being an easy-beat by June
with a still born career by December. That’s nothing but real
talk.
#5 Kanoa Igarashi, USA
I’m wracking my brain trying to think of another pro
sport where athletes can come onto the main stage with
such undercooked skill sets at some of the main locations. Can you
think of any? Pro surfing seems to specialize in this particular
dish: the rookie who can barely make the drop at Teahupoo, looks as
graceful and sure-footed as a new born foal at J-Bay and gets lost
in the glare of the headlights at Pipeline.
That might be unfair to Kanoa, who has said he wants results at
Teahupoo and Pipe, where he is not expected to do well. Wanting to
do well though, and doing well are two different things, especially
at waves where there are no shortcuts to mastery.
Has he been there, put the hours in? I can’t find any video
evidence to say either way. Most of the video of Igarashi seems to
have been shot when he was a kid and looked like a cartoon
character of a small forest animal. Maybe this kid is carved from
harder timber than he looks but at the moment and until proven
otherwise he looks like wounded gazelle on the savannah.
#6 Davey Cathels, Australia
Let’s play word association. First word that
comes to mind. No cheating, no googling.
Davey Cathels. Davey Cathels. Davey Cathels.
Get anything? Ring any bells?
Any mental images come to mind? Nah, me neither.
All I could come up with is a tow headed kid from North
Narrabeen that did alright at an Oakley pro junior a few years
back, friends with Laura Enever. Thats a problem for young Davey.
Pro surfing is much closer to rock and roll wrestling than NFL.
Judges aren’t automatons. They are feeling, subjective beings,
prone to error, bias, and most importantly, entanglement in the
surf culture, where decisions about who is ripping are made
routinely, unconsciously, decisively.
First rule of Pro Surfing: a sellable story, a personality, an
image that engages, moves product and gets eyeballs on monitors
matters far more than any physical stat unless your name is Bede
Durbidge. Highest examples: Craig Anderson, Rob Machado.
Judges aren’t automatons. They are feeling, subjective beings,
prone to error, bias, and most importantly, entanglement in the
surf culture, where decisions about who is ripping are made
routinely, unconsciously, decisively.
Davey needs to insert himself into that stream, bust down the
door a little and then see where the momentum takes him. Even if
his image is no image he needs to sell it, or remain a regional
talent.
#7 Mikey Wright, Australia
Throwback to a time of wild men on tour, some
of whom are no longer with us.
And it’s real, not something manufactured by Quik to sell
boardshorts. He only needs to follow the template set by brother
Owen in 2009. Viz, show no respect to opponents and go big at every
occasion.
Forget strategy. Falling is not failing.
If the stars align he could be on tour next year, hopefully as
partner and not replacement to his injured brother.
