Kieren Perrow has just called the action off. Let's
fill our time productively!
Today’s hot professional surf action has just
been called off by Kieren Perrow and why does he look so impish
when he makes his call? Why does he look like he’s pulling one over
on the viewer? Does he know something we don’t? Maybe that the
World Surf League is partially funded by a great barrier reef oil
concession that is slowly murdering the planet and it is
doomsville for all of us? Well, whatever, we have nearly 24
hours to kill until the contest is called off tomorrow too.
And you’ve played that wonderful time killing game shoot, fuck,
marry have you not? The rules are simple. Three people/things are
presented. You must shoot one, fuck one and marry one. Got it?
Good. So let’s play a special World Surf League edition!
Joe Turpel’s hair, Martin Potter’s neutered personality, Pete
Mel’s downward gaze.
Margaret River’s Main Break, the Box, North Point.
Round 2, Round 4, the finals
a little jam, a carve off the top, a little air reverse
Ronnie Blakey’s sexual charisma, Strider’s boyish enthusiasm,
Ross William’s metaphors
I’ve been watching the Florence/Ibelli heat on
repeat, trying to figure out how the hell it makes me
feel.
Tough call, definitely a close one. I really want to say the
judges got it wrong. JJ’s coping clicker frontside three got my
panties wet. Such a cool approach to a wonky section. Lickety-split
rotation, right into a steezy layback into the pocket. Different,
stylish, loose limbed beauty. Gotta love it. Should’ve scored
higher, right?
But Caio… he done good! Went for risk in the dying moments.
Pretty big rev, but not backed up by a heck of a lot. Judges gave
him a hair too much credit, we’ve been there before.
JJ deserved a bit more, Caio a tad less. Would it have changed
the result? I dunno.
It was enough to make me pay attention to the new Brazzo,
though.
Went back through his heats, I like what I see. Don’t know what
to call his approach. Aggressive-conservative seems good. A lot of
commitment behind that wide stance. Sits somewhere in the middle.
Dazzles better than De Souza, makes heats better than JJ.
He
kitesurfs, apparently.That’s weird.
Probably makes me racist, wrote him off without really looking.
Figured he was a ‘QS type cat, bring some strong tactics, nothing
fancy. But some of my best friends are Brazilian!
Not true. Even if it were, saying so would definitely make me
racist.
How dare he? Just because he has decades more experience behind
him, knows more about pro surfing than anyone else on Earth, the
guy thinks he has the right to provide a rational, thoughtful, view
that differs from mine? Makes me angrier than a cat in a sack!
But maybe he’s right, maybe things are getting better.
Maybe the problem’s the old guard, the decrepit fuckers in their
thirties and onwards that have had a stranglehold on competitive
surfing for the last decade plus. Taj, Mick, Parko, Kerr, Slater,
et al., have been destroying rookie dreams for far too long. Once
they’re all gone, exploring life post-tour, selling real estate or
shilling soft goods or drinking themselves into oblivion, the young
guys will finally get a chance to come into their own.
A team sport gives rookies time to transition. Sit the bench a
bit, figure out that performance bump from really good to best in
the world. Tack some muscle onto a pubescent frame. But surf is do
or die, sink or swim, a weak first year can kill a promising
career.
Don’t get me wrong, the judging still sucks, and the word “jam”
is the worst. But maybe I should ditch the doom and gloom and
appreciate potential, instead of lamenting reality.
Whatever the case, the first four events are almost always a
drag. Tapping my feet, impatient.
Kinky t-shirt company Brothers Marshall's heartfelt
open letter to Champ…
Late yesterday, the t-shirt label Brothers
Marshall posted a photo on their Instagram account, calling for
Kelly Slater to “please burn all your surfboards and call Al
Merrick.”
The post was quickly flagged by the unseen levers of power at
the photo-sharing app which is used by half a billion people. Did
Kelly report the post? A fan? The WSL?
Trace B Marshall: Not yet, I wish. But it is Sunday afternoon
here so I’m contemplating opening a bottle of wine.
Tell me about the post…
Dude, it’s sad watching Slater. He’s ripping so hard, dominating
so hard, in freesurfs, but when he’s in a heat it all collapses. He
stutters and it’s because of his boards. They look like shit. I
think it’s because he’s so stubborn. It’s him trying to do the next
big thing. But, in reality, I’ve come to the conclusion that the
Kelly Slater Board Co is making boards for artificial waves. They
only work in wave pools.
You see him in his turns, in heats, and you know it’s not him
not being able to do it. It’s his surfboards. It’s crazy, dude. He
can be his own worst enemy. It’s like, dude, Outerknown? Come on
man, the dude with the worst fashion taste ever making a high-end
men’s fashion brand? Come on, just rip! We need you!
I can’t see a damn thing. All I see is a master
tinkering on a work of genius…
Dude, it’s beyond. Have you ever once seen a stutter in that
guy’s surfing? You’d see him mess up, misstep and it would be this
calculated thing. He’d make an adjustment and then continue to
fucking dominate. What’s so exciting about watching Kelly surf is
he’s not mechanically perfect. He’s not John John, he’s not
Brazilian, he’s not a fucking young dude doing sick airs. He exists
between everything. His surfing is calculated and radical. You see
him in his turns, in heats, and you know it’s not him not being
able to do it. It’s his surfboards. It’s crazy, dude. He can be his
own worst enemy. It’s like, dude, Outerknown? Come on man, the dude
with the worst fashion taste ever making a high-end men’s fashion
brand? Come on, just rip! We need you!
Would you think ill of me if I told you I was wearing an
Ok t-shirt, like, now? And if I was to tell you that besides my
Balmain collection, and maybe the ACME tees, it’s my
favourite?
Ha, well, we love the dude. We do things constantly to fuck with
him. The dude has a sense of humour and is the greatest of all
time. But, how bad do you want to see him take it to all these
guys, you know? And you know he can! You can see it in his surfing.
It’s not a physical handicap. It’s totally faulty equipment. I was
watching the contest the other day, seeing him set his line for the
biggest fucking cutback and… he bogged. Dude, put yourself there.
You ride a board you haven’t ridden before, the waves get good and
you have the wrong board. It’s those mistakes he’s making. All my
friends can see it. Even his friends. Even Ross Williams and
Strider. You can tell they’re frustrated for him.
What would you like to see change? Dancing
on Merricks?
Put down the wavepool boards. They look like fucking pool
boards. I want to see him come out in ankle-high striped Quiksilver
Trunks, KS fin systems, a rainbow-striped tailpad and a CI with a
giant red Quiksilver logo again and just… dominate. If he
wants to be fashion forward, that’s fashion forward.
He stepped through the door and into the harsh
late afternoon winter light. El Nino was bringing desperately
needed rain to a parched southern California but was also bringing
its unnecessary cold and ridiculously clear air. After the squalls
passed, when the sun poked out from behind pregnant black clouds,
you could see for miles and miles and miles. The pollution washed
away. Any extra floating air particle drowned. Most would comment
favorably about the purity but he found it super off-putting. It
was like living in a magnifying glass. Or one of those crazy super
HD televisions. He liked pollution’s fuzz. The harsh made him feel
weird. Sick.
He put his sunnies on, quickly, and shoved his hands deep into
the pockets of his black peacoat, pulling it tight. He was happy he
had worn a beanie. Happy the sun would be down soon.
The traffic on Placentia was lighter than usual and there was no
pedestrian activity. He stood out front of Avila’s El Ranchito
spacing for a minute. Trying to think of what to actually do. The
skinny palms waved above him in a hollow wind.
He looked both ways, waiting for a newer Toyota Tacoma pickup to
pass, and then ran across the four lanes plus painted island to the
other side, walking by a tan stucco two-story apartment building
and the two-story cement office building next to it. Everything
here, for miles and miles and miles, was two stories, or one. If
happening by, it would only look like early 1980s urban sprawl. No
distinct architecture or tone. Single story homes. Double story
office complexes. Single story miniature warehouses with small
front offices and metal rollup doors out back. Wide four lane’d
streets with either painted or curbed islands. Palm trees here and
there. Magnolias every so often.
On clear El Nino days one could see for miles because there was
nothing to stand in the way. No geographical curvature. No manmade
tower. Even Christ Lutheran Church’s brick steeple only reached two
and a half stories into the sky.
He walked by FN/KY’s office. It’s pronounced “Fin Key” and they
made towels and after surf mats that you put on the ground when
changing out of a wetsuit. One of his bros had worked there before
getting a job filling orders at Octopus’s miniature warehouse
around the corner. They made surf traction. What Youth, the
surf/culture mag, was around the corner and Banks Brand across the
street from it and Outpost Kitchen, started by an Australian surfer
who used to work for Electric sunglasses before starting an eco
restaurant that served avocado toast and Proteins & Potassiums
smoothies was next to it.
It would be impossible to know, without already knowing, that
there was probably two billion dollars worth of surf/skate/snow
industry locked here non-descript two mile Costa Mesa triangle
between the Santa Ana River and the 55 freeway. He kicked a rock
and it pinged off the toe of his red Vans satisfactorily skittering
to a stop in the street. A newer Toyota Tacoma ran over it.
The Fouled Anchors thing wouldn’t be happening for another
couple hours so he figured he’d walk to the 7-Eleven on the corner
and grab a case of Coors Light to take back to house. Or whatever.
He had to beat it before the chick came out, anyhow, and they
needed Coors Light at home so whatever. He passed the coin laundry
and the produce & meat joint that sold the greatest carne asada and
was ready to push past a Mexican day laborer and through the glass
doors when he felt his phone buzzing in his pocket.
It took him too long to fish it out because he had accidentally
washed his raw denim jeans a few days ago and they had shrunk
impossibly. They were already super skinny but this amount was too
much. He was wanting to wear them back into shape but the wet
weather wasn’t helping his cause and the cold just made them
annoying. When he finally had it in his hand the screen read
Missed Call: Kat V and his knuckles were scraped and the
anchor ring he wore on his middle finger had fallen off.
Have you been watching lots and lots of
professional surfing? Did you catch each of the 3452 heats from
Bells and the 1435 (and counting) heats from Marg River? Of course
you have! What a wild Australian leg! Such surprise! Such drama! A
never-ending story!
But let’s talk about the quieter moments when our heroes aren’t
smashing, carving, dancing. Doesn’t it seem that the main
World Surf League sponsors these days are tourism boards?
Victoria, the state that swaddles Bells as well as the Great
Ocean Road, ran commercials between every break and during every
heat of the Bog Rail Pro. “Visit Victoria!” they exhorted. I think
Mick Fanning might have spoken glowingly about what the region
means to him. Some others too.
And now we see Western Australia, one upping their southeastern
brothers by basically snagging title sponsorship of Margaret River.
Barton Lynch tells us that, while he doesn’t live in Western
Australia, he always feels at home when he visits. And Tom Carroll
glares at us while flying a small airplane. What are his eyes
saying? Come get me or leave me alone? Nick, can you help here?
In any case, tourism is a finite resource. Only so many people
visit Australia each year and Victoria and Western Australia are
very far away from each other. The people must choose. The people
must decide on one over the other and this is the essence of a
Blood Feud™. So who is winning this vicious battle over hearts and
minds? I think maybe Western Australia. I can’t get Tom’s eyes out
of my head!