Dear Kelly: “Burn your surfboards!”

Kinky t-shirt company Brothers Marshall's heartfelt open letter to Champ… 

Late yesterday, the t-shirt label Brothers Marshall posted a photo on their Instagram account, calling for Kelly Slater to “please burn all your surfboards and call Al Merrick.”

The post was quickly flagged by the unseen levers of power at the photo-sharing app which is used by half a billion people. Did Kelly report the post? A fan? The WSL?

I called Trace B Marshall, one half of the kinky, incest-simulating brothers, at his home in West Adams, Los Angeles, to discuss.

BeachGrit: Are you drunk yet? 

Trace B Marshall: Not yet, I wish. But it is Sunday afternoon here so I’m contemplating opening a bottle of wine.

Tell me about the post…

Dude, it’s sad watching Slater. He’s ripping so hard, dominating so hard, in freesurfs, but when he’s in a heat it all collapses. He stutters and it’s because of his boards. They look like shit. I think it’s because he’s so stubborn. It’s him trying to do the next big thing. But, in reality, I’ve come to the conclusion that the Kelly Slater Board Co is making boards for artificial waves. They only work in wave pools.

You see him in his turns, in heats, and you know it’s not him not being able to do it. It’s his surfboards. It’s crazy, dude. He can be his own worst enemy. It’s like, dude, Outerknown? Come on man, the dude with the worst fashion taste ever making a high-end men’s fashion brand? Come on, just rip! We need you!

I can’t see a damn thing. All I see is a master tinkering on a work of genius…

Dude, it’s beyond. Have you ever once seen a stutter in that guy’s surfing? You’d see him mess up, misstep and it would be this calculated thing. He’d make an adjustment and then continue to fucking dominate. What’s so exciting about watching Kelly surf is he’s not mechanically perfect. He’s not John John, he’s not Brazilian, he’s not a fucking young dude doing sick airs. He exists between everything. His surfing is calculated and radical. You see him in his turns, in heats, and you know it’s not him not being able to do it. It’s his surfboards. It’s crazy, dude. He can be his own worst enemy. It’s like, dude, Outerknown? Come on man, the dude with the worst fashion taste ever making a high-end men’s fashion brand? Come on, just rip! We need you!

Would you think ill of me if I told you I was wearing an Ok t-shirt, like, now? And if I was to tell you that besides my Balmain collection, and maybe the ACME tees, it’s my favourite? 

Ha, well, we love the dude. We do things constantly to fuck with him. The dude has a sense of humour and is the greatest of all time. But, how bad do you want to see him take it to all these guys, you know? And you know he can! You can see it in his surfing. It’s not a physical handicap. It’s totally faulty equipment. I was watching the contest the other day, seeing him set his line for the biggest fucking cutback and… he bogged. Dude, put yourself there. You ride a board you haven’t ridden before, the waves get good and you have the wrong board. It’s those mistakes he’s making. All my friends can see it. Even his friends. Even Ross Williams and Strider. You can tell they’re frustrated for him.

What would you like to see change? Dancing on Merricks?

Put down the wavepool boards. They look like fucking pool boards. I want to see him come out in ankle-high striped Quiksilver Trunks, KS fin systems, a rainbow-striped tailpad and a CI with a giant red Quiksilver logo again and just… dominate. If he wants to be fashion forward, that’s fashion forward.