"Can't help but think this (washing up right in the middle of #Lowers) is Karma for humans possibly having some part in this whale's death and the whale sending us a message we can't help but have a look at," reports the surfing champion Kelly Slater. " A mile or two south and we probably wouldn't take nearly as much notice. Good summer to surf the wave pool." | Photo: Kelly Slater

Monster Whale Dies at Trestles!

By Derek Rielly

9 years ago

Karma strikes, warns surfing champion Kelly Slater!

Of all god’s creatures, the whale is my favourite. Is it yours too?

The Game of Thrones actor Rose Leslie describes whale thus: “Very chewy and quite fatty. My friend had had whale before, so I knew it would be quite blubbery. It was delicious. I loved it. It was smoked, so it had a lovely kind of tangy taste to it. We had it a couple of nights. I was won over. It was very yummy.”

Earlier this Sunday in southern California, a forty-foot whale with a hump like a snow hill beached itself and died at Lower Trestles.

The surfing champion Kelly Slater reported,

“Anyone for a surf at Trestles? Im sure that #BeachedWhale oil should keep the crowds to a minimum coming into summer! Sketchy. Great white sightings sure seemed to coincide with the burying of a whale 15+ years back by Trails. Not saying they weren’t around before then but they’ve been sniffing around the area consistently since then. I wonder if they can/will tow this thing back out to sea before it completely decays in the rocks or do a necropsy on it. Anybody know? Can’t help but think this (washing up right in the middle of #Lowers) is Karma for humans possibly having some part in this whale’s death and the whale sending us a message we can’t help but have a look at. A mile or two south and we probably wouldn’t take nearly as much notice. Good summer to surf the wave pool.”

Do you think the ailing, but media savvy, whale identified Lowers as a significant location to die and therefore beached itself there for maximum exposure?

Do you think whales are superior to other sea creatures and why?

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Parker: “What skate can teach surf!”

By Rory Parker

9 years ago

Always have room for shit talkers, for one…

Why is it that skating can thrive through honesty while surfing has to be this polished product?

It’s not like the industries are that different.

Small groups own almost everything, image is key. But skateboarding has always had room for shit talkers. People speak their minds, call ’em as they see ’em.

It’s far more entertaining, more engaging.

Keeps me interested in the sport, even though my fat old ass is completely pussified and it’s been years since I did more than fuck around on flat ground.

Give this chat with Lucero and Grosso a watch, then join me in waiting for the next installment.

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Kolohe Andino's favourite poncho, Old Glory, the Star Spangled Banner, the Stars and Stripes! | Photo: WSL

Parker: “Come Visit the USA!”

By Rory Parker

9 years ago

American exceptionalism is amazing! Come taste…awesome!

Roughly half of BeachGrit‘s readers are coming from outside the US of A these days. You poor souls. Forced to live in a world devoid of freedom, sans liberty. Your every day a struggle to experience the vestiges of American awesome.

You know you wanna come visit. Who wouldn’t? Save that money, hop a flight across an ocean. The streets are paved with gold! No cats! None at all!

I wouldn’t want you poor fuckers to be unprepared. American exceptionalism is amazing, you’ve no idea what lays in wait once you’ve deplaned.

Here’s what you need, and what to expect.

Guns: Our country’s full of them, but you won’t be able to get your hands on one. Too much red tape. Damn commies in the White House want to keep us all unarmed so we’re unprepared for the coing race wars.

Gotta protect yourself from minorities. Those fuckers steal everything. Jobs, women, privilege. It’s no joke.

Pepper Spray: Use it to hose down public toilets pre-poop. Flush out all the lurking trannies so you can dump in peace. It’s a real problem out here. I know it for a fact, read all about it on the internet.

Ranch Dressing: Showing up at a dinner party without a squeeze bottle of the finest buttermilk ranch is a faux pas on par with going to Walmart without your rifle. It simply isn’t done.

A Bible: Don’t bother reading it. Other people will do that for you. Explain how to interpret scripture in your favor. Works great, you can justify practically anything! It’ll help you score dope too. Get you in with the born-agains. Those guys know where to score all the best shit.

Sense of superiority: Leave that shit at home. You’re in America now! Best quality of living, first in education. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

Persecution complex: But only if you’re white and Christian. Anything else, keep your yap shut. In America straight white Christian male is the single most oppressed class. You just can’t know pain unless you’ve spent a life watching the world knock you down to everyone else’s level. Idiots may call it equality, we call it changing the rules mid-game.

Drugs: Leave the dope at home. Bring us your antibiotics, anti-psychotics, antidepressants. A huge part of American Liberty is built around our freedom to suffer medical ills untreated. And we like it that way! I love it that way! Already got my own health insurance, better for me that the fuckwits I competing with for a piece of the pie are mentally ill, or about to suffer organ failure. Big part of freedom is your right to stack the deck in your favor.

Flip that shit to the underclass. Welfare queens working two jobs, too dumb to steal their way to success. Sell it at a 500% markup. Still cheaper than paying market rates.

Oh, and if you’re from South Africa please bring us some ‘ludes. Heard you guys still got that shit over there. It’d be much appreciated.

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Don't Shane Dorian look like one of those lil rubber surf dolls in this illuminating screen grab from his ride of the year. Can you imagine the frictional ecstasy of making a wave like this?

Shane Dorian wins Ride of the Year!

By Derek Rielly

9 years ago

An Italian the wipeout, a lesbian the barrel and Greg Noll, 80, talks eating pussy!

How about those WSL big-wave awards? Such gender and such geographical balance. Did the WSL run the nominees through an equal-opportunity board to choose the winners?

Let’s examine!

An Italian won the wipeout of the year, a lesbian scooped up the barrel of the year, and an almost 80-year-old big-waver delivered what at first was some feel-bad story about a pal with cancer only to deliver the punchline that the tumour was actually a hairball from eating too much pussy.

Of course, the ride of the year is the money shot. Winner? Shane Dorian.

Earlier, Dorian had given a teary speech about his mentor and former housemate Brock Little.

Told a bewitching story of living with Brock, of him and his teen pals surfing the inside reforms on the big days, until Brock paddled ’em out the back at Waimea and told ’em, “It’s your time to sit on the peak and ride big waves.”

Oowee, and look at Shane now!

Watch the awards in their entirety below.

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Here we see the surfer Keala Kennelly and her actor girlfriend Nikki DiSanto lock-in surfing's first on-screen queer kiss. The coolest thing ever at a surf awards show? Maybe. Half an hour later, the ancient big-waver Greg Noll would tell a story about a pal who was hospitalised with a possible throat tumour. Turns out it was a hairball from "eating too much pussy."

Big Wave Surf’s Great Queer Moment!

By Derek Rielly

9 years ago

Keala Kennelly wins Big Wave Barrel of the Year award. Celebrates with dazzling kiss!

If you’re kicking around on a computer right now, y’might be watching the WSL Big Wave awards.

And what could’ve been a low-rent show of B-graders ramming their “humble” sentiments down our throats has so far turned out to be the coolest thing the WSL has ever put its name to.

Rowdy crowds, Strider Wasilewski and Dave Wassel in brilliant form. A fine tribute to Brock.

And, half an hour ago, big-surfing, wait…surfing… got its first great queer moment.

Announced as the winner of the barrel of the year award, the 37-year-old surfer Keala Kennelly whipped her arms around actor girlfriend Nikki DiSanto and drank her kisses with gusto.

And on stage, Keala delivered a speech that could form a text for all those girls who live to confirm to the male ideal.

Let’s examine.

“They say behind every great man there’s a great woman,” Keala said. “But sometimes behind a great woman there’s…a great woman. I have the most extraordinary woman behind me, on my my side. Nikki DiSanto.What I lack in sponsorship dollars, you make up for in love and support.

“When I was a little girl I didn’t want to be a little girl. I kept hearing I couldn’t do all things because I was a little girl, because I was a woman, woman can’s surf… ok, woman can surf but… women can’t get barrelled… woman can’t surf big waves… woman can’t surf Pipeline… and women can’t surf Chopes…women can’t paddle Jaws… woman can’t get barrelled at Jaws… so who I really, really want to thank is everybody in my life who told me you can’t do that because you’re a woman. Because that drove me to dedicate my life to proving you wrong…

“And it’s been so damn fun…”

Eat beach grit spam!