American exceptionalism is amazing! Come taste…awesome!
Roughly half of BeachGrit‘s readers are coming from outside the US of A these days. You poor souls. Forced to live in a world devoid of freedom, sans liberty. Your every day a struggle to experience the vestiges of American awesome.
You know you wanna come visit. Who wouldn’t? Save that money, hop a flight across an ocean. The streets are paved with gold! No cats! None at all!
I wouldn’t want you poor fuckers to be unprepared. American exceptionalism is amazing, you’ve no idea what lays in wait once you’ve deplaned.
Here’s what you need, and what to expect.
Guns: Our country’s full of them, but you won’t be able to get your hands on one. Too much red tape. Damn commies in the White House want to keep us all unarmed so we’re unprepared for the coing race wars.
Gotta protect yourself from minorities. Those fuckers steal everything. Jobs, women, privilege. It’s no joke.
Pepper Spray: Use it to hose down public toilets pre-poop. Flush out all the lurking trannies so you can dump in peace. It’s a real problem out here. I know it for a fact, read all about it on the internet.
Ranch Dressing: Showing up at a dinner party without a squeeze bottle of the finest buttermilk ranch is a faux pas on par with going to Walmart without your rifle. It simply isn’t done.
A Bible: Don’t bother reading it. Other people will do that for you. Explain how to interpret scripture in your favor. Works great, you can justify practically anything! It’ll help you score dope too. Get you in with the born-agains. Those guys know where to score all the best shit.
Sense of superiority: Leave that shit at home. You’re in America now! Best quality of living, first in education. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.
Persecution complex: But only if you’re white and Christian. Anything else, keep your yap shut. In America straight white Christian male is the single most oppressed class. You just can’t know pain unless you’ve spent a life watching the world knock you down to everyone else’s level. Idiots may call it equality, we call it changing the rules mid-game.
Drugs: Leave the dope at home. Bring us your antibiotics, anti-psychotics, antidepressants. A huge part of American Liberty is built around our freedom to suffer medical ills untreated. And we like it that way! I love it that way! Already got my own health insurance, better for me that the fuckwits I competing with for a piece of the pie are mentally ill, or about to suffer organ failure. Big part of freedom is your right to stack the deck in your favor.
Flip that shit to the underclass. Welfare queens working two jobs, too dumb to steal their way to success. Sell it at a 500% markup. Still cheaper than paying market rates.
Oh, and if you’re from South Africa please bring us some ‘ludes. Heard you guys still got that shit over there. It’d be much appreciated.