American exceptionalism is amazing! Come taste…awesome!
Roughly half of BeachGrit‘s readers are coming from outside the US of A these days. You poor souls. Forced to live in a world devoid of freedom, sans liberty. Your every day a struggle to experience the vestiges of American awesome.
You know you wanna come visit. Who wouldn’t? Save that money, hop a flight across an ocean. The streets are paved with gold! No cats! None at all!
I wouldn’t want you poor fuckers to be unprepared. American exceptionalism is amazing, you’ve no idea what lays in wait once you’ve deplaned.
Here’s what you need, and what to expect.
Guns: Our country’s full of them, but you won’t be able to get your hands on one. Too much red tape. Damn commies in the White House want to keep us all unarmed so we’re unprepared for the coing race wars.
Gotta protect yourself from minorities. Those fuckers steal everything. Jobs, women, privilege. It’s no joke.
Pepper Spray: Use it to hose down public toilets pre-poop. Flush out all the lurking trannies so you can dump in peace. It’s a real problem out here. I know it for a fact, read all about it on the internet.
Ranch Dressing: Showing up at a dinner party without a squeeze bottle of the finest buttermilk ranch is a faux pas on par with going to Walmart without your rifle. It simply isn’t done.
A Bible: Don’t bother reading it. Other people will do that for you. Explain how to interpret scripture in your favor. Works great, you can justify practically anything! It’ll help you score dope too. Get you in with the born-agains. Those guys know where to score all the best shit.
Sense of superiority: Leave that shit at home. You’re in America now! Best quality of living, first in education. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.
Persecution complex: But only if you’re white and Christian. Anything else, keep your yap shut. In America straight white Christian male is the single most oppressed class. You just can’t know pain unless you’ve spent a life watching the world knock you down to everyone else’s level. Idiots may call it equality, we call it changing the rules mid-game.
Drugs: Leave the dope at home. Bring us your antibiotics, anti-psychotics, antidepressants. A huge part of American Liberty is built around our freedom to suffer medical ills untreated. And we like it that way! I love it that way! Already got my own health insurance, better for me that the fuckwits I competing with for a piece of the pie are mentally ill, or about to suffer organ failure. Big part of freedom is your right to stack the deck in your favor.
Flip that shit to the underclass. Welfare queens working two jobs, too dumb to steal their way to success. Sell it at a 500% markup. Still cheaper than paying market rates.
Oh, and if you’re from South Africa please bring us some ‘ludes. Heard you guys still got that shit over there. It’d be much appreciated.
God Bless America!
I think white guilt is a real emotion and some americans are to consumed with themselves to have empathy. Im kinda digging the American guilt angle.. It holds the whole melting pot accountable!
Nice thoughts Rory.. Worth reading
Been there lately? Their waistlines are expanding.
So many Americans can get away with so much. “He’s so arrogant, narrow-minded, loud and obnoxious, obese – oh no he’s just American”. Everywhere else you’re just seen as a douche. Wish I had that kind of freedom.
All this said, I truly do love ‘Mericans.
Yeah OK. Chas, I’ll be at the Malibu Beach Inn Tuesday afternoon. Come on over and have a cocktail.
Oh wait! You’re in Yemen. How did you know that the government was gonna clean out that Al-Qaeda stronghold over the weekend? Are you a….SPY???
America isn’t the worst by a long shot, seems like a lot of yanks feel the need to distance themselves from the patriotism of their fellow countrymen! Most of the ones I come across are nice people, and not dumb at all, but that might just be the ones that have passports
You haven’t met the dildos that go down to Cancun then..
Signs that an American might be cool:
1. Has a passport
2. Has immigrant parents/grandparents
3. Has visited or lived in more than their home state and border states
4. Doesn’t surf
Luckily for the rest of the world, the shittiest ones don’t travel.
sure they do – they’re the ones using the handicap scooters to get around Disneyland.
I like your casually racist sporting team names too. How are the Cleveland Indians still a thing? I can’t imagine the Brisbane Blackfellas or Adelaide Abos getting a run over here.
What about the Washington Redskins!!!!
https://youtu.be/xYq72ijtjd8
Coachella valley Arabs hahahaha
They’re riding out the celebrity of the “Major League” movies and their longstanding merchandising potential in Asia. You wanna do study abroad from Shanghai? I heard you gotta get an Indians cap first.
Dr. Jones!
I wish I was American! Then I could be preachy, fat and torture anyone with a different skin colour/views that differ from free market capitalism….. Ahhh I’ll come one day, riding on the beautiful white stalion that is the American Dream towards California, high on dreams of prestige and happiness.
High school English lit hath taught me well
Free-market capitalism is so 1990’s. It’s all about protectionism, trade wars and making your neighbors pay for your walls!
Americans are apparently exceptional at honouring surfing legends, far more respectful than us convict scum downunder.
Maurice can u confirm?
The average american is unaware of the existence of professional surfing
if you have any skin tone darker than pristine snowflakes..you have a great chance of being shot by the police here.
You have a better chance of being shot by a fellow “darker skin tone” than by police. And the numbers ain’t even close.
It’s a match J H has snowflake skin tone. Oh, and can make up statistics out of thin air
What were the “lottery numbers” for the weekend in Chicago? I’m pretty sure there were no police involved shootings but plenty of “darker skin tone” on “darker skin tone” shootings. In fact….a simple Google search (makes you wonder why “chicago shootings this weekend” comes up in the top five search results, right???) produces the requested numbers:
http://www.nbcchicago.com/n…
Also…the FBI produces comprehensive statistics on the subject so you could make the effort.
you and your cop loving gorilla buddy should go wank off to some police giving tickets
Who is my cop loving gorilla buddy (should there be a comma in there somewhere?)? Sorry if the numbers hurt your feelings but they are still the numbers. Anyway…if you ask me they should stop sending cops into these areas…it would save taxpayers a ton of money on police, attorneys and definitely lawsuits (did you see the city of Cleveland gave $6 million to Tamir Rice’s family?).
numbers, numbers…where’s the numbers?
Because it appears that of the seven billion people on the planet you are the only one with a broken Google and can’t find the FBI home page I will post the link to the most recent numbers (2014) that they have published:
https://www.fbi.gov/about-u…
The key points here:
Law enforcement officers justifiably killed 444 felons
Black on black murders were 2,205
And don’t forget that cops kill white people and Hispanics as well so that 444 number isn’t just all black people.
If you want to know the number of unjustified police killings then you’ll have to fix your Google because the FBI doesn’t publish those numbers specifically. The deaths due to unjustified use of force by officers are counted with other murders just as the police officers charged in the Freddie Gray case.
However…one source says that between 2003 and 2005. A total of 1,095 law enforcement homicides were reported and of those 1,082 were considered justified (since maybe you don’t have math skills either that’s only 13 unjustified homicides).
So…no matter how you want to cut it (since you are too intellectually lazy to even attempt to shed your biases) blacks are in far more danger from other blacks than from police.
nice doing, fool, to oblige at my order, but really don’t give a nano fuck for how you yankee wankees murder each other, draw your weapons and have a shooting spree around, it’s always hilarious when we see it on tv… and hey, that broken google bit actually funny, tks, gonna use it in the future…
Glad that I can both entertain and inform but you really shouldn’t broadcast your ignorance all over the interwebz. In the meantime you’d better opt for someplace safe for your next vacay…like Paris, Brussels or even the the Ukraine. I mean…with all of us crazy Americans carrying guns you would be MUCH safer in one of those places, right? I hear that train stations in Germany are completely devoid of sexual assaults…from what I understand them broads was asking’ for it.
love ya bg folks, so eager to ‘inform’ us stab cunts… hahahahahahahahahaha
dont forget the awesomely cheap fast food, so convenient yet nutritious.
Don’t kid yourself…the Europeans love fast food also. I’ve walked past Burger Kings in Sweden with lines out the door. You can only eat so much pickled herring.
I believe all fast food chains outside the USA are healthier for some reason. I shit you not. I don’t get the same bloated / depression / fatigue / regret / toilet experience. I come away disappointed.
An American ‘regular’ is like an Australian ‘XL’. Who possibly needs 1.5L of coke to wash down a burger and fries? And supersized… Fuck me, that could feed a small Indonesian family for a week
The upside of that is if you actually look around the restaurant should u choose to go in vs. rolling your fat ass through the drive thru – u will see the degenerates that go to these places on the reg and youll ask yourself is this who i want to associate with?
Too right. It’s an eye opening experience every time I dine inside my nearby KFC. It reminds me that those 11 divine secret herbs and spices come at a cost. Moment on the lips, forever on the…. I’ll just surf for an extra hour or something tomorrow. Five more wings please!
if fast food is eye opening..go into walmart..i dare you!
When I get stoned I do love a LOT of soda,ijs.
Honestly…I try to avoid fast food in general and especially when I am traveling so you could be right. I even try and avoid non-fast food burgers because they just don’t look appetizing.
Bingo
Rory on a writing bender. Exceptional.
I think Rory is on a self loathing bender…
I do have to throw down a vote for Humboldt county weed, that shitt really is exceptional.
It has to be with all the wind and fickle beaches north of Point Reyes.