Parker: “What skate can teach surf!”

Always have room for shit talkers, for one…

Why is it that skating can thrive through honesty while surfing has to be this polished product?

It’s not like the industries are that different.

Small groups own almost everything, image is key. But skateboarding has always had room for shit talkers. People speak their minds, call ’em as they see ’em.

It’s far more entertaining, more engaging.

Keeps me interested in the sport, even though my fat old ass is completely pussified and it’s been years since I did more than fuck around on flat ground.

Give this chat with Lucero and Grosso a watch, then join me in waiting for the next installment.

Kolohe Andino's favourite poncho, Old Glory, the Star Spangled Banner, the Stars and Stripes! | Photo: WSL

Parker: “Come Visit the USA!”

American exceptionalism is amazing! Come taste…awesome!

Roughly half of BeachGrit‘s readers are coming from outside the US of A these days. You poor souls. Forced to live in a world devoid of freedom, sans liberty. Your every day a struggle to experience the vestiges of American awesome.

You know you wanna come visit. Who wouldn’t? Save that money, hop a flight across an ocean. The streets are paved with gold! No cats! None at all!

I wouldn’t want you poor fuckers to be unprepared. American exceptionalism is amazing, you’ve no idea what lays in wait once you’ve deplaned.

Here’s what you need, and what to expect.

Guns: Our country’s full of them, but you won’t be able to get your hands on one. Too much red tape. Damn commies in the White House want to keep us all unarmed so we’re unprepared for the coing race wars.

Gotta protect yourself from minorities. Those fuckers steal everything. Jobs, women, privilege. It’s no joke.

Pepper Spray: Use it to hose down public toilets pre-poop. Flush out all the lurking trannies so you can dump in peace. It’s a real problem out here. I know it for a fact, read all about it on the internet.

Ranch Dressing: Showing up at a dinner party without a squeeze bottle of the finest buttermilk ranch is a faux pas on par with going to Walmart without your rifle. It simply isn’t done.

A Bible: Don’t bother reading it. Other people will do that for you. Explain how to interpret scripture in your favor. Works great, you can justify practically anything! It’ll help you score dope too. Get you in with the born-agains. Those guys know where to score all the best shit.

Sense of superiority: Leave that shit at home. You’re in America now! Best quality of living, first in education. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

Persecution complex: But only if you’re white and Christian. Anything else, keep your yap shut. In America straight white Christian male is the single most oppressed class. You just can’t know pain unless you’ve spent a life watching the world knock you down to everyone else’s level. Idiots may call it equality, we call it changing the rules mid-game.

Drugs: Leave the dope at home. Bring us your antibiotics, anti-psychotics, antidepressants. A huge part of American Liberty is built around our freedom to suffer medical ills untreated. And we like it that way! I love it that way! Already got my own health insurance, better for me that the fuckwits I competing with for a piece of the pie are mentally ill, or about to suffer organ failure. Big part of freedom is your right to stack the deck in your favor.

Flip that shit to the underclass. Welfare queens working two jobs, too dumb to steal their way to success. Sell it at a 500% markup. Still cheaper than paying market rates.

Oh, and if you’re from South Africa please bring us some ‘ludes. Heard you guys still got that shit over there. It’d be much appreciated.

Shane Dorian ride of the year
Don't Shane Dorian look like one of those lil rubber surf dolls in this illuminating screen grab from his ride of the year. Can you imagine the frictional ecstasy of making a wave like this?

Shane Dorian wins Ride of the Year!

An Italian the wipeout, a lesbian the barrel and Greg Noll, 80, talks eating pussy!

How about those WSL big-wave awards? Such gender and such geographical balance. Did the WSL run the nominees through an equal-opportunity board to choose the winners?

Let’s examine!

An Italian won the wipeout of the year, a lesbian scooped up the barrel of the yearand an almost 80-year-old big-waver delivered what at first was some feel-bad story about a pal with cancer only to deliver the punchline that the tumour was actually a hairball from eating too much pussy.

Greg Noll

Of course, the ride of the year is the money shot. Winner? Shane Dorian.

Earlier, Dorian had given a teary speech about his mentor and former housemate Brock Little.

Told a bewitching story of living with Brock, of him and his teen pals surfing the inside reforms on the big days, until Brock paddled ’em out the back at Waimea and told ’em, “It’s your time to sit on the peak and ride big waves.”

Oowee, and look at Shane now!

Watch the awards in their entirety below.

Keala Kennelly
Here we see the surfer Keala Kennelly and her actor girlfriend Nikki DiSanto lock-in surfing's first on-screen queer kiss. The coolest thing ever at a surf awards show? Maybe. Half an hour later, the ancient big-waver Greg Noll would tell a story about a pal who was hospitalised with a possible throat tumour. Turns out it was a hairball from "eating too much pussy."

Big Wave Surf’s Great Queer Moment!

Keala Kennelly wins Big Wave Barrel of the Year award. Celebrates with dazzling kiss!

If you’re kicking around on a computer right now, y’might be watching the WSL Big Wave awards.

And what could’ve been a low-rent show of B-graders ramming their “humble” sentiments down our throats has so far turned out to be the coolest thing the WSL has ever put its name to.

Rowdy crowds, Strider Wasilewski and Dave Wassel in brilliant form. A fine tribute to Brock.

And, half an hour ago, big-surfing, wait…surfing… got its first great queer moment.

Announced as the winner of the barrel of the year award, the 37-year-old surfer Keala Kennelly whipped her arms around actor girlfriend Nikki DiSanto and drank her kisses with gusto.

And on stage, Keala delivered a speech that could form a text for all those girls who live to confirm to the male ideal.

Let’s examine.

“They say behind every great man there’s a great woman,” Keala said. “But sometimes behind a great woman there’s…a great woman. I have the most extraordinary woman behind me, on my my  side. Nikki DiSanto.What I lack in sponsorship dollars, you make up for in love and support.

“When I was a little girl I didn’t want to be a little girl. I kept hearing I couldn’t do all things because I was a little girl, because I was a woman, woman can’s surf… ok, woman can surf but… women can’t get barrelledwoman can’t surf big waves… woman can’t surf Pipeline… and women can’t surf Chopes…women can’t paddle Jaws… woman can’t get barrelled at Jaws… so who I really, really want to thank is everybody in my life who told me you can’t do that because you’re a woman. Because that drove me to dedicate my life to proving you wrong…

“And it’s been so damn fun…”

More on the awards later…

Parker: “Money is everything!”

Just as likely to destroy your life as make it better…

Money’s a crazy thing. Just as likely to ruin your life as make it better.

I once knew a woman, very advanced alcoholic. Talented artist, but hellbent on drinking herself to death. Thought she was in her late forties/early fifties. Turned out to be early thirties. Wretched, haggard, pathetic.

She got her foot run over by her elderly landlord. Don’t know who was at fault. He was a doddering old man on the verge of dementia. She was a stumbling slurring mess of a human ninety percent of the time. A true gem that remaining ten, though.

She came into work limping. That’s how I learned about her foot. Told me what happened, but she was fine. Foot was just bruised, no big deal. Lots of little bones in there, better go to a doc. But she wouldn’t. Because she was in the US illegally, wanted in her home country for some crime she wouldn’t explain but sounded pretty sordid, and didn’t have insurance anyway. Which was fucked, because she was essentially a full time employee. Real easy for employers to dangle 1099 status, or cash under the table, and make people think it’s to their advantage. Which it almost always is not.

She shambled along drunkenly for weeks, foot never got better. One day I noticed a dirty bandage on it.

What happened? Hurt your foot again?

Not a surprise. Drink that much, as in all day every day, you fuck yourself up. Even us junior alkys in training wake up with mystery injuries.

Nope, still from the car. Foot’s not healing, there’s a little cut on it now.

She peeled off the bandage and exposed horror. Purple green sausage toes, wide open weeping wound. It fucking stank.

You have to go to the hospital.

I can’t. I don’t have any money.

You’re gonna die. Get in my car, we’re going now.

I can’t afford it, Rory.

It doesn’t matter. Get in the fucking car.

I took her to Wahiawa General, closest ER on Oahu. Not ideal, but you deal with what you’re served.

Turned her over to the doctors, sat out front and waited.

An hour later got pulled aside. Fucking gangrene, about to lose her foot. Checking her in now, don’t know when she’ll be free to go.

They discharged her a month later. They saved the foot. The period of forced sobriety knocked a decade off her appearance. Lucid, intelligent. This was a woman I’d never met before. But she was pissed. At me! Huge amounts of hospital debt, no way she could ever pay. Couldn’t exactly understand why she was concerned. When you’re in the country illegally, don’t have a pot to piss in, receive most of your wages under the table, large amounts of debt aren’t exactly a problem. Just don’t pay. What’s gonna happen?

Hit up your landlord’s insurance, I told her. That’s what it’s for. They’ll pay your bills. Maybe even toss you something extra.

She did, and a few weeks later came up to me smiling. The insurance company had paid off. Worryingly quickly, from my point of view. Ever tried to recoup cash from an insurance company? Those fuckers will drag their feet forever over a pittance. So I kinda knew the answer, but asked anyway.

How much’d they pay you?

Ten thousand dollars!

Oh, no.

Ten thousand dollars ain’t nothing, in the larger scheme. Wouldn’t zero out her hospital bills. You can’t do much with ten grand. Not enough to really improve a life. But sure as hell enough to totally ruin one.

Flush with dough she began living large. El Patron tequila and fruit punch became her go-to drink. A stupid choice, made more so by her inclination to buy in mini bottles at the local liquor store. Picked up a crew of addict friends. Like coyotes, those people. Sniff out the weak, drag ’em down as a group.

She was back on the bottle immediately. No surprise. Kind of sad, but what’re you gonna do?

Flush with dough she began living large. El Patron tequila and fruit punch became her go-to drink. A stupid choice, made more so by her inclination to buy in mini bottles at the local liquor store. Picked up a crew of addict friends. Like coyotes, those people. Sniff out the weak, drag ’em down as a group.

Turned out she had a taste for meth, kept in check previously by poverty. Given the choice between booze and crank she went with the former. But now that she was flush it was game on. She stopped coming in to work, when she showed up she’d be hammered. Was always drunk before, totally incapacitated now. Covered a dozen freshly shaped blanks in pink spatters one day. Came in sloppy, ended up slathered in pigment. Somehow managed to transfer it to nearly every surface in the factory.

The money lasted two weeks. Pissed most of it away partying, was robbed of the last couple thousand. Some of her new friends held her captive and forced her to drain her accounts over the course of a few days. She ended up homeless, playing hide and seek with security at the sugar mill where she’d bed down in the bushes at night.

The last time I saw her she was sitting on the ground surrounded by her remaining possessions. What little she had left fit in a few plastic bags. She was bawling her eyes out.

I said hi, talked for a minute. Lied and told her things would get better. Handed her the remainder of a pack of smokes, the fifteen bucks I had in my wallet. Gave her a hug, wished her good luck. Then said goodbye.