Shoving people out of my way, throwing food at waiters, etc…
Every day is an exercise in self control. So many wants left unfulfilled. I wish I could just do whatever I desire all the time. I come close, but life’s a series of compromises. Even for me.
Maybe one day I’ll get lucky.
Get rich, do whatever the fuck I want all the time. In the meantime I can only dream. Write about my frustrations. Get a kick out of people reading them. Maybe relating?
Here’s a few things I refrain from doing only because I can’t get away with them.
Shove people out of my way: It’s a tourist thing, that bewildered ambling unaware of your surroundings. I’m sure I do it too whenever I’m in a new place.
Doesn’t make it any easier to bear when I’m trying to get my shopping done and a family of pasty Midwesterners is stopped dead in the center of the aisle staring at the bread rack like they’ve never a fucking bagel before.
It’d be tits if I could just barrel through them. Push ’em aside. Make way! Here comes Rory!
Or last night, at Safeway, the elderly couple arguing about prices. Yeah, shit’s expensive out here. Get over it. Get the fuck out of my way. The urge to ram ’em with my cart was near unbearable.
Honk my horn more often: Drivers rarely honk their horns in Hawaii, and almost never in anger. It just isn’t done. I like it, can’t stand the hellish cacophony whenever I’m forced to travel back to LA.
But lately, I’ve had an urge to lay on the thing whenever I’m stopped at a light or crosswalk and someone is walking in front of my car.
I used to do it all the time to the mobs of Japanese tourists who cross Kam Hwy like gaggles of halfwit geese. Wave ’em through, then lay on the horn and cackle madly when they’d jump. But Kauai is tiny, can’t pull that type of shit anymore. It’s super awkward when you run into the same hapless stranger you hassled earlier in the day for no reason at all.
Ban certain people from the beach: We’ve all got the right to play in the ocean. I won’t argue about that.
But some people…
Watched a Mormon family invade the lineup recently. How could I tell they were Mo-mos? Mom, Dad, plus seven kids. All blonde haired, straight white teeth, milky skin. Looked like they’d never touched an illicit substance in their lives. Real pack of degenerates.
Every one with a rental log, all rocking matching life vests. Wide open beach to play on, picked the one area full of swimmers and struggled a few feet out. Took turns barreling through the inside. Total carnage.
Amusing, for sure. But crazy dangerous. A pack of fools that demonstrated why so many damn visitors die out here.
Throw my meal at a waiter: We ate lunch at an overpriced restaurant in Kapa’a a few days ago. It’s a place my wife has been hassling me to visit for months. Cute décor, overly complicated menu. Her type of joint.
I ordered a $17 burger, expensive by even our ridiculous standards. She got the ono sandwich. Both were terrible. Overcooked, under seasoned. Wilted lettuce, their “artisanal buns” were the same ones I buy at Costco. The fries were good.
The waitress came to check on us. Asked, “How’s everything?”
I wanted nothing more than to heave my plate in her stupid face. Scream, “It’s fucking terrible,” and bounce without paying.
Instead I choked my meal down. Tipped poorly. Then complained the entire way home.
There is a direct correlation between temperature and the standard of driving where I live. Ideally I would be able to plough tourists out the way every time they decide to slow down to 60 km on the national highway for no apparent reason.
The tropics: still the worst.
A+ shit. More pieces like this.
Trying to walk the sidewalks of Manhattan would probably make your head explode. Unless a deranged homeless person with a brick made your head explode first.
At my tourist-stricken home town we get a lot of holidayers going for leisurely swims along the open beaches. On slightly bigger days they all seem to think the areas with less waves breaking are the safer ones… They’re precisely where a fucking rip is running you idiots. A handful of times I’ve had to paddle over and assist the bumbling messes back to shore, only to see them walk up the beach 50m and go for another swim in the shallows.
Gets me thinking, maybe I should of left them a little longer, really put the fear of god into them. You’ve inspired me Rory, next time I think I will.
karnts driven 80kmph in the 100 zone melts my fucken face. i wanna fang everywhere.
Then to fucking top it off, if an over taking lane appears they proceed to drive at 110 so you have to go to 140+ to overtake em. They then slow back down to 80!!!!
I literally want to fucking run them off the road, or if you had like snow plough setup into nearest tree be perfect!!
everytime. EVERY FUCKING TIME. Love that and the “leave my cart in the middle of the aisle blocking everyone, and walk away to shop.” At Costco I grab the cart and take it with me so when the tourist comes back, their cart is gone. Its pretty fun.
ha ha.. Oh man, I couldn’t relate anymore to all of this!! Was waiting in line at the sushi joint yesterday, almost my turn, then a little old lady waving a $5 note, classy pink tracksuit on, jumps in front of me like I didn’t fucking exist. Infuriating! doesn’t matter who you are, or how old you are, manners are paramount people. I wanted to grab her sushi roll and ram it past her fake pearly whites! instead, she turned around and I gave her a wry, I know what you did smile. What was I going to do?
Rory, I would like to see you take on a certain ex-Tour pro-surfer in a boxing match:
Smash windows and knife the tyres of cars with alarms going off throughout the night…owners obviously don’t care the alarm is going off, why have it on in the first place? Fucktards
If I had things my way life would be like Grand Theft Auto. I’d ram people who were going too slow and then just shoot all the cops and ambulance drivers who turned up to check it out. I’d have like 5 girlfriends and I’d drive them off cliffs when I got bored or if they asked for money. If I was out surfing and there were too many kooks I’d paddle in and grab a jet ski and run them over and laugh and spin around in circles as eight metre tiger sharks devoured their headless corpses. Welcome to Ubatuba ladies and gentlemen. It’s fucked out here.
You should come to the Gold Coast , I’ll rent you a jetski.
Southern California Trader Joes are also filled with confused old people wandering around like they’ve never seen the interior of a grocery store before. I try to make lots of noise as I near them – stomping my feet, banging the cart around – but alas, a fool’s errand.
I do envy the horn aptitude of most of the non-US. Put those fuckers on blast! Europe, Africa, Asia – not afraid to hit the horn.
Three days without chas and your fingers are sore from scraping the bottom of the barrel?
Shoulda just got a Double Bubba Burger from Bubbas Burgers!