For preventing the lineups from becoming overcrowded. Let's eat the children of kooks!

It is a melancholy object to those who surf at their local breaks or travel so surf far off exotic waves, when they see the lineups crowded with the bikini clad female sex, followed by three, four, or six children, all in shitty wetsuits and dropping in willy nilly. These mothers, instead of being able to scold their charges, are forced to employ all their time trying to look hot for their helpless infants: who as they grow up either turn into massive snakes or leave their dear native country and become massive snakes abroad.

I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of kooks in the lineup, or on the backs, or at the heels of their mothers, and frequently of their fathers, is in the present deplorable state of surfdom a very great additional grievance; and, therefore, whoever could find out a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these children sound, useful members of the surf brotherhood, would deserve so well of the public as to have his statue set up for a preserver of the nation.

My intention is very far from being confined to provide only for the children clogging lineups; it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of infants at a certain age who are born of parents in effect as little able to teach them proper surf etiquette.

I am assured by our Australian surfing family, that a boy or a girl before twelve years old is no salable commodity; and even when they come to this age they will not yield above three pounds, or three pounds and half-a-crown at most on the exchange; which cannot turn to account either to the parents or kingdom, the charge of nutriment and rags having been at least four times that value.

I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.

I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in Tahiti, that a young healthy child of surfers well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.

I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration that of the hundred and twenty thousand children already out in the lineup, twenty thousand may be reserved for breed, whereof only one-fourth part to be males; which is more than we allow to sheep, black cattle or swine; and my reason is, that these children are seldom the fruits of marriage, a circumstance not much regarded by our savages, therefore one male will be sufficient to serve four females. That the remaining hundred thousand may, at a year old, be offered in the sale to the persons of quality and fortune through the kingdom; always advising the mother to let them suck plentifully in the last month, so as to render them plump and fat for a good table. A child will make two dishes at an entertainment for friends; and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter.

I have reckoned upon a medium that a child just born will weigh 12 pounds, and in a solar year, if tolerably nursed, increaseth to 28 pounds.

I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very proper for the most seasoned, crusty locals, who, as they have already devoured most of the parents by barking them off waves or threatening well-being, seem to have the best title to the children.

Infant’s flesh will be in season throughout the year, but more plentiful in winter, when the waves are generally best and a little before and after; for we are told by a grave author, an eminent French physician, that fish being a prolific diet, there are more children born in Roman Catholic countries about nine months after Lent than at any other season; therefore, reckoning a year after Lent, the markets will be more glutted than usual, because the number of popish infants is at least three to one in this kingdom: and therefore it will have one other collateral advantage, by lessening the number of papists among us.

A very worthy person, a true lover of his lineup, and whose virtues I highly esteem, was lately pleased in discoursing on this matter to offer a refinement upon my scheme. He said that many gentlemen of this kingdom, having of late destroyed their deer, he conceived that the want of venison might be well supplied by the bodies of young lads and maidens, not exceeding fourteen years of age nor under twelve; so great a number of both sexes in every country being now ready to starve for want of work and service; and these to be disposed of by their parents, if alive, or otherwise by their nearest relations. But with due deference to so excellent a friend and so deserving a patriot, I cannot be altogether in his sentiments; for as to the males, my American acquaintance assured me, from frequent experience, that their flesh was generally tough and lean, like that of our schoolboys by continual exercise, and their taste disagreeable; and to fatten them would not answer the charge. Then as to the females, it would, I think, with humble submission be a loss to the public, because they soon would become breeders themselves; and besides, it is not improbable that some scrupulous people might be apt to censure such a practice (although indeed very unjustly), as a little bordering upon cruelty; which, I confess, hath always been with me the strongest objection against any project, however so well intended.

Some persons of a desponding spirit are in great concern about that vast number of kooks who are aged, diseased, or maimed, and I have been desired to employ my thoughts what course may be taken to ease the nation of so grievous an encumbrance. But I am not in the least pain upon that matter, because it is very well known that they are every day dying and rotting by cold and famine, and filth and vermin, as fast as can be reasonably expected. And as to the young Hurley-clad shredders, they are now in as hopeful a condition; they cannot get work, and consequently pine away for want of nourishment, to a degree that if at any time they are accidentally hired to common labor, they have not strength to perform it; and thus the country and themselves are happily delivered from the evils to come.

I have too long digressed, and therefore shall return to my subject. I think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance.

For first, as I have already observed, it would greatly lessen the number of kooks, with whom we are yearly overrun with especially during the summer months when the water is warm.

Secondly, the kook parents will have something valuable of their own, which by surf law may be made liable to distress and help to keep their place in the lineup. If they sacrifice one or two of their kook children then they can stay.

Thirdly, The constant kook breeders, beside the gain of eight dollars sterling per annum by the sale of their children, will be rid of the charge of maintaining them after the first year.

Fourthly, This food would likewise bring great custom to surf clubs and bars; where the vintners will certainly be so prudent as to procure the best receipts for dressing it to perfection, and consequently have their houses frequented by all the fine WSL stars, who justly value themselves upon their knowledge in good eating: and a skilfull cook, who understands how to oblige his guests, will contrive to make it as expensive as they please.

I can think of no one objection, that will possibly be raised against this proposal, unless it should be urged, that the number of people will be thereby much lessened in the lineup and surfers will completely disappear in the future but that is the perfect outcome, no? And who cares if there are no surfers in the future. We are a barbarous people. As evil as we are worthless.

I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my surf brothers, by advancing our trade, providing for infants, relieving the poor, and giving some pleasure to the crusty local. I have no children by which I can propose to get a single penny; the youngest being too skinny and my wife past child-bearing.

The End