How 2 rid big wavez wit Antonthy Walsh!

The best in da biz, Ian Walsh, teches u how to charge!

Soooooooooooooooo I was supposed to head down 2 an interview wit Ian Watch at a coffee e shop at 430 an I wuz all lik “$430? Thasss drinkin time!” So I tried to met him at a bar instead 4 our interview becuz there iz 1 across the street but he wiz too tired from traveling and sed “NO! BITCH! INEED COFFFFEEE!”

In m y heart I was all like, “FUCK THAT SISSY ASS MUTHERFUCKER! KOOOK! BarNEY!   TeeeeeeeTOTALER!” but said “Yah cool! Coffee!” in da text

Becuz I had a secret! A big ol bottle of V O D K A in my F R E E E E E Z  Z E ER!



So I drank da drank (5ive times!) mix with stolichnaya ginger beer cans an a lil touch of limejuice then got in m bike an rode to the place (shhhhhhhhh don tell anyone…it call zumbar an its in cardifff an The Shanty is x the streeet).

And this iz what I lik to call a new feture of bitchgirt call DRUNK INNERVIW WIT DA SURFERZ!




so I aks Ian…tell me the secrets of big wavez. Wat do u do to rid them? And he gave me his daily ritual. Here it iz in case u want 2 rid them 2:


Ian: Wake up at 6:00 am, drink a smoothie with a bunch of good stuff.

Me: WTF!

Ian: Surf Ho’okipa for an hour and a half or two hours if it’s good then come in and eat another breakfast.

Me: Nother brakfast? No fucken       mimosa     blody mary?

Ian: Go to the gym at 9:30 and do some dynamic exercises. Warm up where I feel sore.



Ian: Eat again.

Me: Nofucken     Irish Cofe?       or vodka?

Ian: Surf another hour and a half to, I don’t know, five or six hours depending on how good it is.


Me: ?

Ian: And then I’ll ride my bike at the end of the day. If I’m a little tweaked or sore I’ll do some namaste…some yoga or pilates.


Ian: And then I’ll be in bed by 10:30 after some Game of Thrones, bored as hell.




Do you stilll wanna surf big wavez or



I think grom abuse is more or less a thing of the past. Which is probably for the best. Teasing and torturing young ones in good fun may build character, but there's a line you just can't cross. And I don't know that everyone knows where the line is. It starts with holding them down and drawing on hilarious permanent marker mustaches, next thing you know some lunatic is sodomizing them in a closet. “It's just a prank, bro!” | Photo: @norwell9

Parker: “I like to see kids suffer!”

Who doesn't like to see grommets, in full bloom, suffer just a little?

A while ago I got wind of a couple surfers who ran a surf camp in Liberia. It was during the height of the ebola scare, they’d fled the country and were begging for money online so they could continue to pay their staff.

Tried writing something about it titled, Surfers Welcomed by Head of Global Pedophile Network. But it was just a rant, and not a very good one. I think the title is great, but that ain’t enough to carry a piece. Fucking kids isn’t funny.

I’ve got a problem with for-profit enterprises soliciting donations, was gonna write something on a slow day. But the campaign failed to raise the dough they wanted, so I just kind of forgot about it.

More recently the same two dudes flew to Italy and gave the Pope a surfboard. Press made it seem as though it were a good thing. I, obviously, beg to differ. The Catholic church is a hateful, corrupt, monster.

Tried writing something about it titled, Surfers Welcomed by Head of Global Pedophile Network. But it was just a rant, and not a very good one. I think the title is great, but that ain’t enough to carry a piece. Fucking kids isn’t funny.

I think grom abuse is more or less a thing of the past. Which is probably for the best.

Teasing and torturing young ones in good fun may build character, but there’s a line you just can’t cross. And I don’t know that everyone knows where the line is.

It starts with holding them down and drawing on hilarious permanent marker mustaches, next thing you know some lunatic is sodomizing them in a closet. “It’s just a prank, bro!”

There’s a part of me that likes to see kids suffer a little. Especially young surfers. I watched a bit of the Volcom Totally Crustaceous event that just went down at Trestles. Those little bastards surf way too well. It’s unfair, and it makes me feel bad about myself. Because I’ll never be that good, and I’ve been surfing more than thrice as long as they’ve been alive.

A fun little short featuring grom tossing scratches the itch. Isn’t evil, no one gets hurt. The minor in question will remember the event fondly. Won’t be recounted to a therapist a couple decades down the road.

It also features some top-notch stand up boogieboarding, of which I’ve long been a fan.

Just in: Kelly Slater pool to Oahu!

"There's 40 guys in the lineup and everyone is upset and agro and angry and they want to get waves!"

Is there just no stopping the lust, the horny for Kelly Slater and his new wave pool? First Lemoore, then Melbourne, then San Diego and now Oahu? Birthplace of surfing? Wow! (Is Oahu the birthplace of surfing? If no, which island? The island of Peru?)

As first reported by Hawaii News Now:

A development group is planning to build a surf resort on Oahu.  That in itself isn’t earth-shattering news.  The fact that it won’t feature any of Hawaii’s fabled surf breaks is.

“The whole concept is to be able to share waves.  It’s tough to rely on the ocean for consistency as all surfers know–but if you can create waves, you’ve got more waves to go around and more waves to share” said Tyler Greene, Managing Partner for Surf City Hui LLC.  Greene explains the thinking behind “The Endless Summer Resort”, which will be built around an artificial wave pool.

“We probably get those special days maybe 5-7 days a season.  And then when you do get them there’s 40 guys in the lineup and everyone is upset and agro and angry and they want to get waves” said Greene.

Greene and his partners are currently looking at three sites on Oahu–focusing on the leeward side.  They also have a site in mind on the Big Island.  The resort will feature approximately 250 rooms.

The company hopes to feature Kelly Slater’s wave pool design.

“It’s a safe and friendly environment, all the way from a mush, knee high wave for a beginning long boarded to head high barrel for a more experienced surfer.”

Is it a good idea? Should they add a shark tub too? Will a group of locals rise up and smash mainland kooks? Will our Rory Parker go and take his wife? Will she like it or prefer the ocean?

So many questions!

Artist rendering of the wonderful Alana Blanchard in Modom feat. Sharkbanz shark tub.

Let’s feed Modom surf team to sharks!

Modom feat. Sharbanz has a magical deterrent! Maybe no one gets hurt! Maybe!

I have been on the sidelines of surf hardware brand Modom’s new anti-shark leash feat. Sharkbanz because I am, like most of my religious brothers and sisters, a fatalist. If a shark nips me while surfing then it is God’s will. Nothing but nothing can change my fate.

Christian fatalism is, overall, a wonderful thing and I highly recommend. The bravest, and therefore best, things I have done in my life have been done under the banner of heaven. Hail Mary’s give you wings!

But back on earth and Modom’s new anti-shark leash feat. Sharkbanz, our own Rory Parker has done a very good job debunking the science behind the claims by speaking with an actual scientist. The “magnetic technology” employed smacks of PowerBalance’s “holographic technology” or Donald J. Trump’s “wealth technology.” And the scientist agreed, saying, “…weak magnetic fields do not inherently repel sharks.”

It was all amusing to me but nothing more until I saw the price. Did you know Modom’s new anti-shark leash feat. Sharkbanz costs $180.00 in the United States of America and $250.00 in Australia?



My religious brother and sisters have a phrase for that. Fleecing the flock!

I’ve thrown myself into blazing gun battles, run toward exploding bombs and gleefully laughed while being chased by Al-Qaeda because I really and truly believe what I profess to believe.

And if Modom is charging $180.00 in the United States of America and $250.00 in Australia for their anti-shark leash feat. Sharkbanz then they should believe what they profess to believe enough to throw their surf team in a tub filled with bull sharks.

I think it is very fair, though unfortunate. I like Taj Burrow, Jack Freestone, Craig Anderson and Mark Mathews very much. I’m sure Kalani David is a decent man, Noah Beschen has great DNA and a good Instagram feed and Alana Blanchard has the same.

No bad eggs in the bunch and so I will let them be apostates if they choose. But the rest should buy the ticket and take the ride. Belief is a glorious adventure!

5 Deadly Waves You Can Surf!

Like, without dying!

A few days ago, I hosted another surf journalist for breakfast. While we filled our non-athletic stomachs with pancakes, we shared anecdotes and laughed at the absurdity of everyday surfers like us travelling with the best surfers in the world and their accompanying entourages of filmers and managers and so forth.

At one point, my companion told how he’d made a perfect “hook-up” with a water photographer and, at the photographer’s urging, had given the turn everything he had. Surfing generally does something terrible to a man’s ego and I waited for the obligatory showing of the photo, me doing the ooh-ahh, thing, while thinking: have you no modesty? 

The photo was something else. It looked nothing like my good-looking blue-eyed friend. Instead it presented him as a fat and reddish blob awkwardly trying to tip an oversized board onto the rail while making a vomit face with a tongue that looked like it was trying to swallow his face. (Oh, I wish I could reproduce it here.)

Anyway, it reminded me of how, as a travelling surf writer of sorts, I often find myself dangerously outclassed at waves that, by any sort of right, I shouldn’t be near. Teahupoo, P-Pass, Ours, those sorts of deadly waves.

And, y’know what, sometimes you can get away with being a bit of a kook at the world’s deadliest waves. Five cardinal rules: Choose the right waves. Tow in if it’s a ledge. Surf it small if it’s the North Shore. Know your escape routes. Avoid the shallow inside section. 

Let me recount my experiences in the field.

Teahupoo: I remember so clearly sitting in the channel watching Kalani Robb, of all people, for it was early in the century, take a west bowl and stand straight up in a barrel immediately after takeoff. I was hampered by two things. Fear and an inability to ride a backside tube. What could I do? I couldn’t just sit in a fifty-foot deep channel all week.

Cheat sheet: Teahupoo is open to two swell directions, south and west. The west bowl is an immediate tube. As Luke Egan said once, “If you have to look for the tube there you’ve already missed it.” Waves that come from the south, however, arrive further up the reef and move outward to sea. I’ve been to Teahupoo five times, caught hundreds of waves, and never been tubed! Or hurt! If you can’t surf, you want ’em from the south.

Ours: Mark Mathews and Koby Abberton showed me this wave a very long time ago and, because I have very bad wave sense, I couldn’t even see the wave.

“There is it is… take off here…”


Later, when I was in business with a pal who loved the joint, he would take me there every time it broke, offshore, onshore, two foot, ten foot, just to see, I’m convinced, the terror in my eyes. But I got tubed, got inside some real tubs of fun. How’d I do it?

Cheat sheet: Get on a jetski and get towed. Paddling at Ours requires real wave sense to see the boil, find the chip shot, paddle down the face, and stand upright. With a tow? Bend your legs to absorb the shock, wait and don’t panic when the wave folds.

Backdoor Pipe: I rode this every day with Andy Irons one year, which made me feel immortal, although the biggest day was four foot. I remember Carissa Moore paddling out with Pancho Sullivan and asking, “Is it breaking?” 

Cheat sheet: Backdoor at two foot is a dream. So much zip!

Waimea Bay: Who hasn’t watched The Eddie and dreamed of cutting himself off his own slice? I have! I’ve stroked with an intensity I never thought possible, jumped into a deep crouch, and cut down one felt like a one-hundred foot wave.

Cheat sheet: Did you know Waimea Bay has a smaller inside wave called Pinballs? I think it’s the safest wave in the world at six foot and yet, stroking in, and taking off, you get almost the same vision that fills the eyeballs of the best big-wave surfers in the world. The church. The beach. The highway.

Cloudbreak: Is the Fiji Pro still as warm as morning bread in your head? Do you remember those little days where it looked like you could throw yourself at a mostly harmless, at least for a reef, lip, but recoiled when that long interval swell showed up?

Cheat sheet. Up to six foot, even with sneaker eights, Cloudbreak can be managed simply by sitting up the reef, on the ledge. Ride a longer board, get in early, and get out before it hurls itself onto the inside, even the middle, section. Your rides are short, you kick off in deep water, and when you want to go back to the safety of the resort pool you can paddle around the takeoff zone and back to the boat.