Kelly Slater Wave Company to San Diego!

Maybe! Will you go?

Oh it’s not for sure but what does that do for you? Me? I live in the neighborhood and it does absolutely nothing. Zero. Zip. No-thang. San Diego county is basically one giant wave pool. Not the barreling type. But, you know, there’s almost always waves somewhere.

The tank is included in one of five proposals for a re-imagined downtown San Diego and let’s read the bit from KS Wave Co.’s general manager!

Kelly Slater Wave Company is very pleased to exclusively be part of the McWhinney + DJM team’s vision for the redevelopment of the Seaport Village site in San Diego. As surfers, we are aware of San Diego and its long rich history with the sport of surfing.

Kelly Slater Wave Company is an innovative wave technology company, the first company to develop a formula that combines cutting edge science, engineering and design. KSWC has created the longest, open-barrel wave that mimics the sought after surfing experiences found in nature. These high-performance training centers can host top athletes, where they can perfect their talent on the best man-made wave. KSWC also partners with developers to create a unique experience for amateur surfers, adventure enthusiasts and families to discover the joy of board sports in a recreational destination that embodies an active outdoor lifestyle that emphasizes exercise and play.

We look forward to participating in a project that engages the community and creates an environment where people can interact and better understand waves and the ocean.

Sincerely,

Noah Grimmet

General Manager

Yawn etc. but you know what this news does? Proves my point is what. If you’ve been around me at any point over the last few months you’ll know my line is that the WSL World Tour is a loss leader to sell these pools to municipalities using taxpayer dollars. I bet Mr. Noah Grimmet has crafted hundreds of these letters for every town with a redevelopment project in the works from Saint Louis to Port Lucie. He points to the tour and says, “See? Surfing. Want surfing to come to Des Moines? Tourism. (ShhhhhhhhhhhhhhCocaine).”

Genius? Yes. Both Kelly Slater and me. Are.

Will you surf it, though, or will you stick with Windansea?


Don't look down, baby!

Movie: Mason Ho’s Dry Reef Hula!

Episode 5, License to Chill… Rock Lobsters!

More Mason! Yes! More shallow hell to the right of Rockpiles.

(Watch episode five, License to Chill, Rock Lobsters here…)

Wonder if it’ll get crowded next Winter? Shouldn’t. Too gnarly. Probably will. Kids are gonna show up, living the NS dream on Daddy’s dime.

I’m sure the lifeguards are gonna enjoy scraping wannabe Rick Kanes off the reef. Patch up some boo-boos.

I have a buddy who played drums for Guttermouth. Lived the punk rock dream. Toured the world, made a little money.

Great guy, love him to death. Sold out out hard though. Does SEO stuff these days. Makes a killer living helping to ruin the internet.

I’m spending my day learning about the 24 hours of Le Mans. Some crazy car race where dudes drive 200 mph for an entire day. Batshit stuff.

A website is paying me to write about it. They like my rambling nonsense contest coverage. Want me to do something similar about cars. I told ’em, “I don’t know shit about cars, much less racing.”

They said, “That’s fine. Here’s some money.”

I said, “Right on. Are you sure you want stories about my wife sucking me off? Because that’s what you’re gonna get.”

They said, “That’s probably a bit much.”

Fine by me. I’ll just write about butt stuff instead.


Rememer me wsl? Jus come home....

Dear WSL…….Fuck off! I hate you!

Wait, wait! I didn’t mean it…I’m soooo sorry. Just come home.

Hey babee…

its been a long time, huh. Yah ive been fine. Juss doin m’thang.

What?

Hav I bin drinking?

Psssht. No.

Jus havin one thats all.

It’s alwyas lik that with you now that your WSL tho. Your so judgy! Back when you were ASSP you were cool. You partied. Now your all like, “Your drunk! Blab blah blah. And mean!”

Well, you now what? FUCK YOU! I never loved you anywyas an agreed with bobby martinez when he called u a tennis tour!

Baby, oh bayby! I didn’t mean that! Are you still ther? I swear I dint mean any of that. I just miss you thats all.

I misss you so much. I remember when I used to log on and there you were havin a contest an I’d watch and be so entertainment. Jus lovin those waves. Listining to Joe Purple talk about off the tops and closing my eyes when Pots starts droning about…about…whatthehell does he even say? But it don matter. I miss him. I miss you. I miss us.

R u ever gonna cum back from Fiji?

Did you meet someone there or something? Someoen else? WELL FUCK YOU! YOUR FAT LIKE BELLS AND MARGART RIVER COMBINED!

Wait! Sweety! Sweety that wasnt me talking. That was just my jealousy becuz I love you so so so much.

And miss you.

I miss Ron Burgandy and the way he talks Australin. He’s so handsome. HE’S SO FUCKING HANDSOME! And Ross…Ross….Ross….whas his last name? Ross Geller? Ross….? Perot? Wahtever. HE knows his shit and his voice is so tender…I can picture him talking to me late at night. Telling me storiesa bout when he n Kelly Slater used to slumber party and…

What?

Am I havin another rdrink?

Pssssssssssht. No.

Ive only had six.

Vodkas

But why do you care? You don’t fucken care. You don’t even call anymore. Your just there in Fiji having fun and playing with pool toys and getting a mohawk and forgetting about all the peope who really love you. So you know what? You know what?

FUCK YOU! JUST STAY THERE FOREVER! JUST STAY THERE WITH YOUR MOHAWK BECAUSE I”VE MET SOMEONE ELSE AND HER NAME IS RED BULL!

Oh honey! Wait wait wait wait wait. Honey! I didn’t mean it. I dint even DO anything with Red Bull. I just logged on a couple days ago just to see if you were there and you werent but she was in Australia on this big slab and…and…and….It meant nothing. Ok. It was jus becuz I’m loney

and miss you.

Come home. Well work it out.

I promise.

Paul Speaker + Chas Smith 4 eva.


Nostalgia: The Mighty Surf Club!

Are you part of one? Do you wish you were?

You have surf clubs in Australia, do you not? Lifesaving clubs? Are those the same thing? In the United States we have neither (I think). We have ourselves alone and maybe our friends. Maybe but probably not.

Surfing is a solitary experience here, or it is for me. I rarely/never surf with others. If I happen to run into someone in the water it is a pleasant surprise and I think to myself, “I should surf with X more often…” But I never do. I never call and set up surf dates.

And so it is with great jealousy that I look at this extended surf date footage that historian Matt Warshaw of the Encyclopedia of Surfing cobbled together of the Windansea Surf Club circa 1960something. How much fun does it look like they’re having in those red jackets? It looks like they are having the monster time of their young lives!

They surf, travel, waterski, tire roll, laugh and drink all together! It looks very enjoyable and stylish too but maybe that is only the gauze of nostalgia. It looks fun enough, in any case, to make me want to be part of a surf club. I would embroider my nickname on a red jacket. I would be a joiner for once in my life as opposed to a cranky naysayer!

But you have them in Australia, no? Or Lifesaving clubs? Can you tell me, before I start searching for belonging, if they are super lame?


"A funny moment hit me there when the one-legged Brazilian charger, one handed charger Bethany Hamilton and me, deaf Israeli guy
, were sharing the same line up," recalls Ido. "I laughed and asked Dane Gudang, 'Is it international handicapped surfers' day?'"

Deaf Jew Charges Monster Fiji!

Ido Dar-el is the most precious thing alive!

Last year I wrote about a deaf Jewish big-wave stud called Ido Dar-el.

Oh this infinitely precious object could squeeze every last ounce of sympathy out of you: his ancestors were shovelled into ovens by the German war machine (and enthusiastic French, Ukrainians and Poles), his little country has been besieged by genocidal foes since its birth, and both of Ido’s ear-drums were wiped out by a virus when he was a baby.

But does Ido weep? No! He charges!

And that May swell at Cloudbreak that nearly stole Aaron Gold? Ido was there!

And not just having a punter’s swing but lacing tubes. Ido didn’t exactly plan on landing in Fiji right when the cauldron was bubbling but when you compile your quiver (6’3″, 6’8″, 7’6″) a year before and buy your plane ticket six months in advance (it ain’t cheap flying from Israel) you ride what you get.

Let’s talk (via email for obvious reasons), big, then bigger.

First,

“We scored the perfect swell with Reef McIntosh, Balaram Stack and Ryan Burch. There were so many sudden-death outside sets that would mow anyone off guard, snapping leashes and boards. Jon Roseman got the best, biggest, deepest bowl from first section standing tall all the way to the channel with his classic red board and leash on front leg. No one photographed it but it is embedded on my brain cells.”

Then, says Ido, “the forecast map began to turn … and my eyes began to bulge.”

Ido begged an old pal for a nine-six, who refused, and ended up with a couple of eight-foot plus boards he found under a house on the Fijian mainland where he was staying.

That night Ido was struck by the realisation that he was going to “surf this fucking outer ledge. I took a deep breath to clear my mind and went to the village church. I didn’t care  being Jewish. A holy place is a holy place. It was also the birthday night of my deceased brother so I asked him for a safe session. At midnight I went back to my bure, took off my hearing aids and switched off my mind and body.”

Ido describes the view at Cloudbreak on the big Monday.

“In the morning, when I loaded the boards in the boat, I was told that a Hawaiian surfer from Maui had drowned and was getting his chest pumped on the Tavarua boat. A Maui guy? Peahi expert? How big is it? On the way to Cloudbreak you could see foam explosions above the judges tower but not the waves, justifying the name. The whole sea was moving even in the protected lagoon. The moment we arrived to the line up I could see Coconut Willy hell-drop into a wave so big it looked like a cliff suicide jump. Willy disappeared in the foam blast behind him. He came to the boat with a torn MCL. Was I afraid after Aaron’s drowning and Willy’s ruined knee? Well, my brain lit up, analysing every detail.”

“Mark Healey got some absolutely insane bombs and and Damien too. Both risked going inside the sweet spot where the growers were. The whole reef to the judge’s tower was covered in a thick layer of gurgling foam that wouldn’t let you out till the other side. It didn’t feel right or clean enough to even paddle but after few hours the line-up cleared a bit and there were less surfers.”

The whole channel, says Ido, was “a rodeo competition. No boat could anchor or stay put in one place. The water moved so violently. The lineup was wonky with huge foamy outside sets with in-between, barfing, gigantic bowls. People see perfect waves on video but being there it was like reverse super-maxed out Sunset. The outer ledge was evil, more lip than wave and bowling so fast on the reef that guys with big boards barely paddled em. The mid-section was so fat and heavy you needed a little spot to catch just before it bowled. Many sections were chandeliering in the middle or end section before draining all the water to shishkebabs. It meant getting a tube was a real life-and-death gamble because you never knew if you were going to exit cleanly.”

Ido watched and studied the movements of Koa Rothman, the McNamara brothers, Alex Gray, Mark Healey, Jamie Sterling and Damien Hobgood.

“Mark Healey got some absolutely insane bombs and and Damien too. Both risked going inside the sweet spot where the growers were. The whole reef to the judge’s tower was covered in a thick layer of gurgling foam that wouldn’t let you out till the other side. It didn’t feel right or clean enough to even paddle but after few hours the line-up cleared a bit and there were less surfers.”

And, so, with his dirty eight-two that he’d recovered from under a house, and a vest, Ido jumped off the boat.

“I took 30 minutes in the boat seeing my whole surfing life 30 years ago as a kid in little stormy waves at Israel promising myself to get real ones someday. Then I looked at Cloudbreak, said ‘I love you, please don’t kill me.’

“I drifted, sitting on my board, closer to Alex Gray and between sets I told him I’d lost a brother too and it’s his birthday so it was really special for me to sit with him (Alex lost a brother too). Alex looked at me, trying to understand, then smiled and told me that it was his brother’s birthday. I got teary eyes and I was laughing at the same time. Crazy! Our brothers gave us a big gift to love and live life fully. We shaked hands and hugged a bit. Then I left him alone to concentrate on the waves. I tried position up there at the middle section but… man… seeing those mega outerledges was hypmotic. Both me and Alex were shouting and saluting those easily 20-feet plus spitting faces with others.”

Were the big-wave stars kind to our precious Deaf Jewish Big-Wave Stud?

“On big Monday all of them were dead on serious mode. It was incredible an experience for me to actually sit shoulder to shoulder and read their lips trying to follow Mark Healy and Greg Long recall Aaron Gold’s CPR. Damien Hobgood was like a kid, double hand-stalls to stay deeper. Mark Healey impressed me with his bullet speed runs all the way to the channel.”

Best moment?

“A funny moment hit me when the one-legged Brazilian charger, one-handed Bethany Hamilton and m, the deaf Israeli guy,
were  sharing the same line up. I laughed and asked Dane Gudang, ‘Goddamn, is it International Handicapped Surfers Day?'”