The bar at Namotu Island, populated, mostly, by Australians, is where friendships are loaded and cocked. Good times? Yeah, good times. Here, we see your favourite athletes (how many can you name?) watching the Cape Fear event aka Savages of the East. | Photo: WSL/Ed Sloane

Parker: “Porn stars and oiled wrasslin’!”

Rory Parker

By

Flat-day fun at the Fiji Pro!

Another lay day for the Fiji Pro. Swell forecast ain’t looking hot. A day of big open barrels is looking unlikely. Expect to see it wrapped up in the teensy weensy stuff.

Poor WSL. So unlucky. Can’t they catch a break?

Posting flat surf shenanigans. Mundane stuff. White boy basketball. Ping pong. Hook and line boredom.

It may be hard to imagine if you’ve spent your life in some coastal suburb nightmare, but after a while every white sand beach looks the same. Definitely does to me. Sunsets, palm trees, azure seas. Yawn.

Gotta be hell for the guys stuck out there. I’d be bored stiff. It may be hard to imagine if you’ve spent your life in some coastal suburb nightmare, but after a while every white sand beach looks the same. Definitely does to me. Sunsets, palm trees, azure seas. Yawn.

Missing a great opportunity for some reality TV hi-jinks. Oil ’em up, set ’em to wrasslin’. Big draw, that. Been looking online for a porn star that surfs. For a project. Difficult thing to search. Lots of hits, none of them useful. For what I have in mind. Totally useful if you’re lookin’ for a thrill.

So the market’s there, obviously. Possible injuries could be a problem. You know some of the boys’d go long and hard. Maybe dial it back. Live stream a light round of grab-ass.

In looking for porn stars who surf I ended up on Anastasia Ashley. Which is unfair. She doesn’t do porn. Just glories in her body, earns a buck doing so. I’m fine with it. Not that anyone asked my opinion.

Did you know she’s got some sort of sponsorship going with Totino’s? The company that makes those little microwave pizza pockets.

Weird. Not that she’s promoting them. That’s her job. She travels and looks good and helps move product. Which I’m sure is way fucking harder than it sounds. Probably not a lot of fun a lot of the time.

But Totino’s are gross. They sound tasty when you’re really high, but the reality is terrible. Mushy lava nuggets.

I don’t expect a model to only work for companies she loves. You wouldn’t get much work that way. I do have a problem with writers who play the shill game. We use words to convince people. Standing next to a product don’t make you a liar, telling lies to sell it does.

Guys pumping that damn shark leash are the worst offenders at the moment. I’m not too good to drum up bullshit copy for money, but I ain’t about to put my name on it. Pay us enough I’d happily toss some propaganda up on here. But the byline would sure as hell read “by BeachGrit.”

Speaking of selling stupid shit for money, Donavon Frankenreiter apparently opened a high end boutique on his property up north. 

Gonna need to take a ride up there in the near future. Take a look at the type of person who drops $400 on a board sock. Check out the $300 dream catchers. Maybe pick up a $600 bean bag. They sell Outerknown too!

How is he so wealthy?

It can’t be from his music? Please tell me it’s not from his music.

Blood Feud: Kelly Slater vs Chris Cote!

Chas Smith

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This one will end badly unless Kelly Slater pays up!

Say what you will, but TransWorld Surf (RIP) under the benevolent dictatorship of Chris Cote was the high water mark of the surf industry. Its PG-13 antics crackled with juvenile charm! Its bright colors and razor sharp broisms showed that anyone, literally ANYONE, could ride the wave to surf fame and fortune!

Do you remember the TransWorld film Tomorrow Today? Of course you do. It featured Clay Marzo, Dane Reynolds, Bob Martinez and Mike Losness.

Do you know who else remembers it? Kelly Slater!

Our 16 time World Champ has decided to use Tomorrow Today as his OuterKnown marketing campaign. Do you know who he has decided not to pay for the honor?

OuterKnown billboard in Venice, CA!
OuterKnown billboard in Venice, CA!

Chris Cote!

Chris was in Australia, of course, calling Cape Fear and is now in Brazil calling a skate event but would say…

“Kelly! Kelly Slater! I’m coming for you, Brozo the Clown!”

…if I called him.

What do you think Kelly should give to Chris? $8.50? His spot on the WSL World Tour? Eight cans of Purps and one OK Beanie? Two and a half barrels in the wave pool?

What?

Richie Vas
Doomsday comes to Cape Fear! Richie Vas, pictured here, likes bare-knuckle fighting and bare knuckle surf. Does your blood pressure rocket when you study this photo?

Rumor: Red Bull to launch Rebel Tour!

Chas Smith

By

To include everything we've always wanted!

We have now had days to digest Red Bull’s Cape Fear (aka Savages of the East) event and what do you think, removed from its adrenalized rush? Did you hang on every meaty wipeout? Did you thrill at the finish? Would you go and surf Cape Solander if you could?

But let’s talk about the quality of the production, very quickly. It was good, no? The cameras, angles, etc. were very much better than a typical World Surf League event no matter how you felt about the surfing (Matt Warshaw brilliantly says he doesn’t like surfers turned into cannon fodder). The highlights packages that have come out very much better too.

Of course it is really not fair to compare the two. The WSL has many events in many countries with many more moving parts. Red Bull had all year to prepare for one day which accidentally turned into two.

Still. Almost everything about Cape Fear was better, production-wise.

So what if Red Bull launched the rebel tour we’ve all been waiting for?

Let me be clear, the source of this rumor is me! I am starting it with the hopes that it actually becomes true because just think…

It could start small, six stops maybe and would include only enough surfers to finish in one swell. A two day event! It would be based upon actual swells too, not arbitrary windows, and would not include Rio!

Every part of it could be voted on, from the stops to the surfers. Or not! Red Bull could choose. Or maybe BeachGrit! Not The Inertia. They wouldn’t even be allowed to cover it upon threat of massive lawsuit/death.

Wouldn’t you like to see Dane Reynolds vs. Craig Anderson? Neco Padaratz vs. Occy? Zoltan Torkos vs. Rob Machado? Laird Hamilton vs. Nick Carroll?

Oh, it’d be a gambler’s dream and very fun.

Albee Layer pointed out the exclusivity contract the WSL makes surfers sign. They are not allowed to surf in unsanctioned contests but all it takes for that to break is a few crossover stars. Or a bigger prize purse.

In any case, the energy drink company needs lots and lots of content to fill new channels. What could be better than a whole year’s worth of surf competition? American Idol meets Death in the Afternoon!

So what do you think?

Yes?

Red Bull Cape Fear 2016 – Action Clip Event Highlights from World of Freesports on Vimeo.

SurfStitch and the Long Goodbye!

Derek Rielly

By

Shares hit record low; former department store CEO signs up to right the ship… 

The online surf retailer SurfStitch has fed innumerable headlines this year, though not, necessarily, of the sort that would thrill its masters.

Let’s study a few:

Blood Feud: Surf Stitch vs SurfStitch. 

Just in: SurfStitch shares collapse.

SurfStich: “Prospects Grim!”

Oh shit: SurfStitch Trading Halted. 

In a nutshell. Two surfers, one with a banking background, start an online surf store in 2007. They risk everything, mortgage their houses, work their asses off, get bought by Billabong in 2009, then buy it back, go public, buy Stab, Magic Seaweed, Garage Entertainment and FCS and build the dazzling company to a point where it’s worth more than half a billion dollars. 

And then came the downward ride.

CEO and founder Justin Cameron quit. Profits were downgraded. Trading was halted.

And, today, in what appears, correctly or incorrectly, to the layman to be a long goodbye, SurfStitch announced a loss for 2016 of around $18 million, and the appointment of a new CEO from a non-surf background, a strategy that served Billabong and Quiksilver so well. 

From The Australian today:

In March, co-founder and later CEO Mr Cameron stepped down and then in May the firm slashed expected earnings from $15m-$18m to just $2m-$3m, with its stock nosediving 60 per cent on the news.
Mr Cameron left to team up with private equity to make a potential takeover bid for the company but no bid has yet been sent to the SurfStitch board.

Mr Sonand, whose appointment will take immediate effect, has previously held senior roles at Myer, Globe International, Just Jeans and Pacific Brands, while more recently serving as chief operating officer of Charles Parsons Group.

“There are both major opportunities and challenges and one of my first priorities is to establish an operating and management framework that I believe will restore the business to a position of strength,” he said.

Starring Jamie Baughan and Jeremy Joyce, Freezing follows two UK surfers on a trip of a lifetime into the freezing hellscape that is Iceland.

Comedy: Icelandic Insanity!

Rory Parker

By

I'm calling it the funniest, most self-aware, surf film ever made.

Freezing dropped a month ago. How the fuck did I miss it?

No exaggeration here, I’m calling it the funniest, most self-aware, surf film ever made.

Starring Jamie Baughan and Jeremy Joyce, Freezing follows two UK surfers on a trip of a lifetime into the freezing hellscape that is Iceland. Because who needs the tropics? Real surfers go their own way. Chase swells into icy solitude. Stiff upper lip manly men who laugh in the face of nature’s wrath. They trek into the tundra in pursuit of solitude. Live in tents along forlorn coasts chasing that perfect slide.

According to our own self serving myths. But really most of us head to easy-peasy third world resort towns where we bask in the glory of our first world finances. Sipping slushy drinks as the sun sets. Glorying in beach bunny thong bikinis to and from the water’s edge.

“Brooding men. Solitary men.”

Ideally. According to our own self serving myths. But really most of us head to easy-peasy third world resort towns where we bask in the glory of our first world finances. Sipping slushy drinks as the sun sets. Glorying in beach bunny thong bikinis to and from the water’s edge.

It’s what I do. And I love it. Fuck adventure, give me luxury.

Baughan and Joyce have a kind of Simon Pegg/Nick Frost thing going on. I don’t know if they’d necessarily appreciate the comparison. I don’t like it when people compare me to others. Even when they’re totally right. Especially then.

But they play off each other so god damn well! Magic moments. Perfect blend of deadpan absurdity.

So, seriously, funniest surf film ever made. Had me laughing until my sides hurt. Click on the vid and enjoy yourself for a little over 21 minutes.

Photo: Steve Sherman/@tsherms
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