“In the 1990 Quiksilver/Aikau event, still considered by
many to be the most exciting big-wave contest ever seen, (Keone)
Downing was regarded as a longshot contender. But he selected waves
perfectly, went through the one-day event without so much as a slip
or bobble, and led from start to finish. He rode a board shaped by
his father. Downing’s $55,000 winner’s check was the sport’s
biggest-ever cash prize at the time.In 2013, the 59-year-old
Downing was on the alternate list for the Quiksilver/Aikau event.
He also owned and operated Downing Hawaii, the surfboard shop his
father launched in 1968.”
It says a lot, to me, about Kelly’s appreciation of the craft of
surfboard making that he would approach Keone, in the first place.
As it transpires, Keone built Kelly two boards for last year’s
J-Bay contest, one a five-ten, one a five-eleven,
Keone didn’t hear anything for a year until, two nights ago, he
woke up to a text from Kelly telling him he’d ridden the
five-ten and that he might want to check the heat analyser to
examine its performance.
The board in question Keone calls the M2K, because of
the influence of two shapers, Maurice Cole and
Martial Crum, and his own first
initial.
Keone had traded boards with the 1988 world champ Barton Lynch,
whom he knows well and who was riding a Maurice Cole, and was
fascinated by the performance of the deep single concave.
Around the same time, his pal Martial Crum was working on a
“booster pocket” or deep concave in the tail section of the board.
Keone moved the single concave back between the legs (“This is
where the drive is going to come from,” says Keone), threw in a
little booster pocket, made it to Kelly’s dimensions (5’10” x 18
3/16″ x 2 1/4″) and glassed it with four-ounce both sides with a
four-ounce stomp pad 13 one third up the board. This ain’t no
hyper-light epoxy.
“You’ve got to give credit to who inspires you,” says Keone.
“We’re all artists, we’re all inspired by something.
There’s something that triggers our inspiration
that makes you want to go out and create. I always appreciate those
people.”
But come inside for a real mathematical look at WSL
judging!
(I lurv u beechgirt readers. I reely do an
its not jes the vodka typing. I meanitis butt i also do. Like, reed
this ledder her. Woh wood tak this mulch time? Only u! Becuz u
rooool and can do maths. I cant. At all. Bet jes lookit this! It
goooood. Suriously. From Parick Brewster who I enven luv mor then u
becuz…becuz… Well. just reed hiz maths!)
Add me to the club. I hate Chas Smith. I hate the man for two
reasons.
Reason 1: An electric version of his book is $14.99 (ridiculous)
(2 b honess that sux. U shudd hav bot the paperbak from
austrltia becuz my pichur is on the new one (COMING AUGUST
1!))
Reason 2: For what he has forced me to do with my spare time for
the past several weeks.
After reading the article “Revolution: Let’s dump the judges” I
(idiotically) took it upon myself to see if “a system of speed,
torque, amount of time in the air, number of spins in the air,
amount of time in the barrel” was possible, or, better yet, if it
already existed – if only in the ether.
I took on this moronic and thankless project because I am of the
firm belief that competitive surfing needs an element of
objectivity if it is to become respected. As it stands, the knower
of all things (Wikipedia) defines surfing as “a surface water
sport in which the wave rider, referred to as a surfer, rides
on the forward or deep face of a moving wave, which is usually
carrying the surfer towards the shore.”
This is a stark contrast to something like basketball which “is
a sport, generally played by two teams of five players on a
rectangular court. The objective is
to shoot a ball through a hoop 18 inches
(46 cm) in diameter and 10 feet (3.048 m) high mounted to
a backboard at each end.”
Such objectivity! Such order, justice, and beauty!
It irritates me to no end that there is no true definition of
surfing. The feeling I get when someone who floundered on a
soft-top claims to have ‘surfed’ is similar to one I had couple
years ago:
(Bare with me, I promise it will come full circle.)
I was in my final semester of college wrapping up an, all to
easy in retrospect, degree in economics at my overpriced private
alma mater. The school had recently been accused of ‘rigging’ the
college rankings in large part by accepting rich foreign students
who paid full-freight but whose grades and test scores, which were
often sub-par, did not factor into the ranking equation.
I was settling down in front of one of the library’s computers,
hoping that its stats program would be able to find some
correlation robust enough for me to write a 20-page paper and
graduate. Naturally, the stats program I was working on crashed and
failed to reopen.
I moved to the adjacent computer and began work there. After a
few minutes, a tall, skinny, Chinese guy who I recognized from my
final class sat down next to me. When I leaned over and told him
that the program was broken on that computer he looked back at me
blankly. “The math program is broken on that computer,” I
said again.
“English?” he replied, with a confounded expression.
I slowly reiterated, “The pro-gram for the MAAATH is bro-ken,”
before deciding to let him figure it out on his own.
As far as I know, him and me earned the same piece paper. Just
as a person on an 8’ soft-top hopelessly flapping while being
sucked out to sea is also ‘surfing’.
I never would have imagined that I would return to the same
library, to the same computer, two years later to answer
Chas’s call. (Fuk thatguy!)
The process began by going through each wave of finals day of
the Fiji pro and logging some objective aspects of the each wave (#
of turns, tube time, etc.) along with the score. In reality it took
maybe two hours tops, but between cursing Chas’s name (Its
dumb! Who call himself CHAD CHAS? Fukin retard!) and beer
breaks it felt eternal. Spreadsheet in proverbial hand, I plugged
the numbers into a stats program and voilà, a hideous, premature,
wave-scoring model is born.
Without further ado, I present to you with the equation for
finals day of the Fiji pro:
1.08516362*(# of top turns) + 1.057755641*(Seconds of tube
time)+ 2.259198138(if completed) – .63
In words: each top turn added 1.08 points to a wave score. Each
second (measured in the very scientific ‘one thousand’ system) of
tube time added 1.06 points. Add 2.26 for completing a wave. Then
subtract .63.
Using just 3 variables (#of top turns, tube time, and
completion) we can explain 70% of the score (69.6258% to be
precise) which is pretty damn good. With enough time and beer,
someone could log wave size, airtime, etc., and the model could get
much, much better. Maybe good enough for a robot judge. We could
name it Chas.
Cheers,
PB
(Parrtick Bruwstur)
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The funny thing about Jordy Smith. The waves always get
so small during his heat. It's overhead all day, then he paddles
out and it drops to shoulder high. Oops, wait. He's a normal-sized
human man competing against a bunch of Oompa Loompas. It's a
perspective thing. | Photo: WSL
J-Bay: “Mix up your turns, worm!”
By Rory Parker
I feel like I've seen it all before. Same guys,
same turns. Maybe I'm jaded? Am I crazy?
There were three minutes left in Parko v.
Banting when I realized I was bored. Is there
something wrong with me? It’s flawless rippable J-Bay and I
couldn’t care less.
I feel like I’ve seen it all before. Every year, over and over.
Same guys, same turns. Maybe I’m jaded? Am I crazy?
It’s like every guy wants to win the same way. No one trying to
draw a different line. Coach mentality. Win at any cost and the
fans pay the price.
J-Bay’s so fast, so much opportunity to wind up for something
huge. Throw some improv. Instead I’m watching high talent
choreography. Everything pre-planned, nothing off the cuff.
Didn’t Callinan used to be some aerial wunderkind? Wasn’t
Banting too? Did their injuries kill that part of their soul? Are
they worried for their joints, thinking like men ten years
older?
Maybe we can blame the Brazilians. When it came time for a new
crew to storm onto the scene they grabbed the spot. Motivated
contest machines from birth. Not something they grew into,
ingrained in their psyches from the moment they took their first
steps.
Maybe it’s because the old men held on so long this time.
Mid-thirties, early-forties, still top of the game. Leading by
example. But what they’re doing was new when they started. The
young ones are just following suit.
John John’s different. Medina is when he needs the score. Filipe
shows flashes. Coffin’s got potential.
Maybe I should blame the judges.
Ah, but it’s not that simple! They’re willing to give single
maneuver waves big scores. They just aren’t willing to punish a
semi-safe, tried and true, approach.
Dantas/Andre… real demonstration of skill, yes. Floater,
backside bash, float. Any one of those turns would have made my
year. But it’s so repetitive. There’s gotta be a way to encourage
some variation.
You know what it might be? No skis! It’s a damn long paddle from
halfway down. A mid wave fail has real consequences. Zip ’em back
out right quick and they can risk their shit.
Melling and Coffin was a close heat, the old man took the win.
And he deserved it. Mixed up his turns a tad. Coffin just kinda did
the same thing over and over. He did it well, but he can do better.
Maybe Gerr will give him a flogging. “Mix up your turns, worm!”
Flores beat himself. Let an underscore trigger a meltdown.
Elbowed his board, bash bash bash. Used that anger to go hard on
the end section. Great to watch. I love it. But you’ve gotta safety
bonk for that extra point.
I don’t know why Pupo won, even so. But he did.
Conner Coffin’s got quite the chest pelt for someone his age.
Maybe we should stop comparing him to Curren, start calling him
Baby Pottz. Judges told him he lost because of lack of risk? Did I
hear that right? That’s cool. I can understand his frustration, but
he did do the same turn a bajillion times.
Kerr’s stalefish rev warmed my heart. Love how he surfs, even
though Rusty’s marking guy pulled his upcoming ad campaign (and a testimonial in our
media kit) when I wrote about his IV use at Snapper. I
think I’d be justified to hold a grudge. They’re professional
fucking athletes, I’m allowed to write about them.
BJ Penn got pulled from UFC 199 and handed a suspension
for doing the exact same thing, whileout of competiton.Kerrzy did it right before
paddling out. It’s newsworthy, damnit.
This is how companies lean on surf media.
Dusty Payne ripped the shit out of one during his heat against
Stu Kennedy. Remembered to play it safe at the end. If he’d tried
to do something cool, then fell, he’d’ve got a six or something.
End section maneuver makes it a 9.77.
I think that’s how it works.
The funny thing about Jordy Smith. The waves always get so small
during his heat. It’s overhead all day, then he paddles out and it
drops to shoulder high.
Oops, wait. He’s a normal-sized human man competing against a
bunch of Oompa Loompas. It’s a perspective thing.
Smith handed Andino the younger his ass without too much
difficulty. Kolohe looked out of rhythm. But he was trying to be
different-ish, and I like that.
John John opened up his heat with some stylish groovitude that
left my panties moist. Payne answered back with a beauty, put all
that speed to good use at the end. Heaved a huge one toward the
heavens but couldn’t stick it.
Which really highlights a problem with the judging. A boring
turn at the end would’ve given him a bump. Might’ve been enough to
grab the win. We keep seeing it happen, they get handed a reward
for the “finishing maneuver.” But by trying hard he got punished,
ended up losing the heat by point-nine.
Kerr manhandled Ferrari in conditions which looked difficult to
surf on your backhand. Slightly lined up, crumbly lip. Makes for a
target on your forehand.
A target at which Kerr aimed and soared.
Final heat of the day, GOAT v Buchan, saw the conditions
continue to deteriorate. Ace was obviously struggling to deal with
the semi-gutlessness. Mid face chop catching his rail, slowing him
down.
Slater put his forehand advantage to good use. Didn’t really
wow, but definitely won.
And that’s the end for now. Swell bump forecast for Saturday and
Sunday. Hopefully it’ll add some zazz. Maybe it won’t. I don’t
know.
J-Bay Open Round 2 Results:
Heat 1: Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 8.47 def. Steven Sawyer (ZAF) 7.93
Heat 2: John John Florence (HAW) 17.27 def. Alex Ribeiro (BRA)
11.77
Heat 3: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 16.54 def. Kai Otton (AUS) 14.34
Heat 4: Adrian Buchan (AUS) 10.50 def. Keanu Asing (HAW) 3.87
Heat 5: Michel Bourez (PYF) 16.07 def. Ryan Callinan (AUS)
12.90
Heat 6: Alejo Muniz (BRA) 14.27 def. Nat Young (USA) 12.93
Heat 7: Joel Parkinson (AUS) 15.17 def. Matt Banting (AUS)
12.17
Heat 8: Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) 18.27 def. Jadson Andre (BRA)
17.13
Heat 9: Adam Melling (AUS) 14.86 def. Conner Coffin (USA) 14.67
Heat 10: Miguel Pupo (BRA) 15.67 def Jeremy Flores (FRA) 13.44
Heat 11: Josh Kerr (AUS) 18.06 def. Jack Freestone (AUS) 15.26
Heat 12: Dusty Payne (HAW) 17.47 def. Stuart Kennedy (AUS)
11.44
J-Bay Open Round 3 Results:
Heat 1: Jordy Smith (ZAF) 18.20 def. Kolohe Andino (USA) 10.10
Heat 2: John John Florence (HAW) 14.83 def. Dusty Payne (HAW)
13.93
Heat 3: Josh Kerr (AUS) 16.40 def. Italo Ferreira (BRA) 14.20
Heat 4: Kelly Slater (USA) 11.73 def. Adrian Buchan (AUS) 5.20
J-Bay Open Upcoming Round 3 Match-Ups:
Heat 5: Sebastian Zietz (HAW) vs. Michel Bourez (PYF)
Heat 6: Matt Wilkinson (AUS) vs. Alejo Muniz (BRA)
Heat 7: Gabriel Medina (BRA) vs. Adam Melling (AUS)
Heat 8: Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. Joel Parkinson (AUS)
Heat 9: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Miguel Pupo (BRA)
Heat 10: Mick Fanning (AUS) vs. Kanoa Igarashi (USA)
Heat 11: Caio Ibelli (BRA) vs. Wiggolly Dantas (BRA)
Heat 12: Adriano De Souza (BRA) vs. Davey Cathels (AUS)
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Serially dissatisfied!
Ugly truth: We are whoremongers!
By Chas Smith
Malcontents! Belly-achers!
It is time to admit a hard truth. A fact
and uncomfortable flaw. As surfers, we are incorrigible sluts. We
are serial polygamists. We are never satisfied with one true love
but rather always want something more, something different.
We get a surfboard, a gorgeous, new 6’2 squash tail and we
paddle out on a mushy day and look over at the man riding a new 5’0
fish with lust in our eyes and lust in our hearts and want what is
under him. We get a 5’7 chubby thing and paddle out on a day that
is perfect and hollow and look over at the man riding a 6’2 pintail
and look at him in the barrel and want what is under him.
And so we build quivers. Our garages are stacked, floor to
rafter, with varied and different surfboards. We gather our fishes
and our squash tails and our square tails and our pintails and even
some goofy fun ones, like our longboards but we are never
satisfied. We always lust for more.
And it is time to stop. We are addicts and the hole in our heart
will never be filled by another surfboard. It is time to find the
one. To cherish the one. To travel with the one. To lay the one to
rest, when it is dinged and yellowed and never surf it again. But
what one? Ahhhh that is for each man to decide himself.
Maybe the one is a fish even when it is big and hollow. Maybe
the one is a super high performance pintail even when it is two
foot and bad. Or maybe, just maybe, the surfboard shapers are
already producing the perfect board that kills the pathological
need for any other. Maybe they are producing our Stepford Wife.
I submit, for discussion, Matt Biolos’s Short Round. Matt Biolos
is one of our great heroes. He makes a board like no other and
while many of his shapes are beautiful, his Short Round is
beautiful and functional in so many different kinds of waves. She
has the cutest little rounded squash behind and is fuller through
her midsection. She is to be ridden shorter, and I ride my own as a
5’9”. She loves to play. She loves to jive and shake in everything
from junk to overhead perfection. And she makes me feel like a man,
an accomplished man.
When I am on her, I rarely look to see what others are riding,
but I feel their longing gazes looking at my Short Round. “Coveting
is a sin!” I shout and they turn away, disgusted with themselves.
The Short Round is a one.
And I know you. I know your eyes are wandering now to the
sidebar now and to the clocks up above and you are thinking,
“Sellout! Sellout! Lost is paying you to say this!” I respond, in
my mind, “Oh ye of little faith. Have you learned nothing from your
time here? Nothing at all? We only speak the truth! Or, like, the
rumor! But it is really and truly what I ride every single day and
every single where!”
In finding a one, travel becomes easier. All a one needs is a
simple bag. She is less expensive to check and she is less
difficult to tote and, most importantly, when sitting in a hotel
room, preparing to paddle out at some exotic break, there is no
internal debate. There is only one.
In finding a one, living becomes easier. When the no-goods come
asking to borrow a surfboard they can be vibed, heavily, and told
to fuck off. There are no extras to go around. There is no orgy.
There is monogamy and love and the no-goods can fuck off. Gross
derelicts.
In finding a one, love becomes easier. Sweet sweet love. There
is no distraction. There is only one. Or to quote a man far wiser
than me, “Is it getting better, or do you feel the same? Will it
make it easier on you now, you got someone to blame? You say, ‘One
love, one life, when it’s one need in the night. One love, we get
to share it. Leaves you, baby, if you don’t care for it.’”
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Do you wonder why Filipe Toledo, who surfs with variety
and risk, never quite gets the scores you think he deserves? Maybe
the judges are little contemptuous that he retreats into his shell
when it's bigger? The things Filipe had to do to get an 8.77 at
J-Bay! | Photo: WSL
J-Bay: “Strong wind gelds best
surfers!”
By Rory Parker
I understand how hard it is for these guys to surf
this unimpressively. Average Joe does not.
There’s a kava bar down the road from me I’ve
been going to a bit lately. Kava’s okay. It looks and tastes like
dirty dishwater, leaves your mouth and throat as numb as a bump of
terrible blow. But it gets the mellow on and that works for me when
I’m latched onto a subject and can’t let it go. Which happens less
and less as I age, but still more frequently than I’d like.
The real reason I go is because of the woman who works there.
Maybe she owns it. Tall, attractive. Got long dark curly hair. The
hair deal is a thing of mine. Don’t know why but it really gets me
going. Super thick, can’t run your fingers through it. You know
what I mean. Jew hair. Absolutely love it.
I fell asleep on the couch with a numb mouth around 9:30. A few
heats in to this year’s J-Bay comp. Not a huge deal, conditions
were difficult. Watched White Lightning win his heat on a funky
ankle. Sat through a kind of boring number Ferrari came out on top
of.
Really only wanted to watch John John surf. Which I did. And it
was weird.
Kanoa took the win, and I can’t say I was super surprised. I
think the biggest problem with the rookie’s surfing is its
hesitancy. He always looks like he’s trying not to fall. Backs off
right before the end of a turn. Which is where the magic happens.
Pushing through for that extra split-second is what separates the
very good from the absolutely excellent.
But at J-Bay, in these conditions, it kind of works.
Not that I’ve ever surfed there. If I’m shelling out the type of
cash it takes to get me halfway across the world I’m going
somewhere warm. But, still, slightly overhead, howling
side-offshores, on a fast running wave is difficult to deal with.
I’m well aware that it’s a hundred times harder than they make it
look.
And so Igarashi’s semi-check turn approach did well. Because it
was the right one. And he got one very good wave with three (I
think?) long tight tubes.
What really struck me as odd was the commentators’ jabber about
him during the heat. Talking about how well he’s done his rookie
year. Which he hasn’t. Only made it past the third round once.
His post heat interview with Rosie seemed scripted and awkward.
And, you know, if it was scripted, or rehearsed a little
beforehand, I can’t blame anyone. It’s okay trying to give the kid
a PR leg up. I often forget he’s only eighteen, surfing against
guys who were legends when I was his age. When I remember how young
he is I think about some of the things I’ve written, then I feel
bad.
I couldn’t have handle living under a microscope at
eighteen.
If conditions stay like this, and he keeps surfing like this,
he’ll do well in this event. But if it gets bigger or the winds
backs off he’ll be in trouble.
ADS is another guy whose approach works well in these
conditions. Stocky little squat man, wide stance. Low to the water
so wind’s less of a problem. I think he’s surfing better than he
was. Maybe it’s a confidence thing. He did a good job of surfing
down the line but remembering to give it that extra little
push.
The most interesting part of the heat was Kerr’s meltdown
towards the end. Bad head space going on over there.
I nodded off right after this heat, so the rest of this is
pulled from the analyzer.
Speaking of the WSL’s web presence, when did they start posting
all the judges’ scores? Hover over the average and there they are!
I like it. Definite change for the better.
Though I don’t understand why no jet ski assist during this
event. Such a long paddle. Recipe for slow moments.
Anyway, a quick glance at the heat totals show they’re
mostly low scoring affairs. Which happens in tough
conditions.
Medina grabbed a convincing win in round one. Found a couple
that went a little slower, linked his backside whacks together. Lot
of skill, not a ton of engagement. Functional backhand surfing on a
point break bores me to tears.
Slater snuck into round three with a heat winner in the final
minute. Which is what he does. Or did. Doing again?
Kolohe surfed safe, got the numbers. Not easy to do when you’re
surfing into head on gale force winds.
Which is where we run into a problem with competitive surfing in
general. I understand how hard it is for these guys to surf this
unimpressively. Average Joe does not. Do an aerial maneuver!
They can’t, not today!
Wiggles Dantas used some proper wave selection to find a
slightly slower number, linked some very good turns together for a
low nine. But it wasn’t enough to beat Jordy. Lanky local boy used
his extra meat to link up big spray tosses off the top.
Julian Wilson surfed to his potential. Made Mother of Dragons
and the second Nat Young look like they were struggling.
The wind backed off a bit and allowed Seabass to catch fire.
Heat ended with both Bourez and Kennedy combo’ed.
Round two so far saw Wilko barely edge out the wildcard.
JJF looked loose and beautiful and smoked Ribeiro. The haole
kid’s ability to thread his way through small barrels never ceases
to boggle my mind.
Filipe surfed very well against Otton. Judges underscored him a
bit on his 8.77. Big flowing turns, an ACL killer reverse towards
the flats. On a smaller wave though, and I guess that matters?
Final heat of the day saw the wind drop. Glassy heaven looking
rights.
But neither Asing nor Buchan could do much with it. Buchan took
the win, Sing left the event with a heat score of 3.87.
Day one wasn’t bad. Wasn’t great. Tomorrow looks like the swell
will stay steady and the wind will drop. Which will hopefully make
it a little easier for the guys to really spread their wings. We’ll
just have to wait and see.
