Malcontents! Belly-achers!
It is time to admit a hard truth. A fact and uncomfortable flaw. As surfers, we are incorrigible sluts. We are serial polygamists. We are never satisfied with one true love but rather always want something more, something different.
We get a surfboard, a gorgeous, new 6’2 squash tail and we paddle out on a mushy day and look over at the man riding a new 5’0 fish with lust in our eyes and lust in our hearts and want what is under him. We get a 5’7 chubby thing and paddle out on a day that is perfect and hollow and look over at the man riding a 6’2 pintail and look at him in the barrel and want what is under him.
And so we build quivers. Our garages are stacked, floor to rafter, with varied and different surfboards. We gather our fishes and our squash tails and our square tails and our pintails and even some goofy fun ones, like our longboards but we are never satisfied. We always lust for more.
And it is time to stop. We are addicts and the hole in our heart will never be filled by another surfboard. It is time to find the one. To cherish the one. To travel with the one. To lay the one to rest, when it is dinged and yellowed and never surf it again. But what one? Ahhhh that is for each man to decide himself.
Maybe the one is a fish even when it is big and hollow. Maybe the one is a super high performance pintail even when it is two foot and bad. Or maybe, just maybe, the surfboard shapers are already producing the perfect board that kills the pathological need for any other. Maybe they are producing our Stepford Wife.
I submit, for discussion, Matt Biolos’s Short Round. Matt Biolos is one of our great heroes. He makes a board like no other and while many of his shapes are beautiful, his Short Round is beautiful and functional in so many different kinds of waves. She has the cutest little rounded squash behind and is fuller through her midsection. She is to be ridden shorter, and I ride my own as a 5’9”. She loves to play. She loves to jive and shake in everything from junk to overhead perfection. And she makes me feel like a man, an accomplished man.
When I am on her, I rarely look to see what others are riding, but I feel their longing gazes looking at my Short Round. “Coveting is a sin!” I shout and they turn away, disgusted with themselves. The Short Round is a one.
And I know you. I know your eyes are wandering now to the sidebar now and to the clocks up above and you are thinking, “Sellout! Sellout! Lost is paying you to say this!” I respond, in my mind, “Oh ye of little faith. Have you learned nothing from your time here? Nothing at all? We only speak the truth! Or, like, the rumor! But it is really and truly what I ride every single day and every single where!”
In finding a one, travel becomes easier. All a one needs is a simple bag. She is less expensive to check and she is less difficult to tote and, most importantly, when sitting in a hotel room, preparing to paddle out at some exotic break, there is no internal debate. There is only one.
In finding a one, living becomes easier. When the no-goods come asking to borrow a surfboard they can be vibed, heavily, and told to fuck off. There are no extras to go around. There is no orgy. There is monogamy and love and the no-goods can fuck off. Gross derelicts.
In finding a one, love becomes easier. Sweet sweet love. There is no distraction. There is only one. Or to quote a man far wiser than me, “Is it getting better, or do you feel the same? Will it make it easier on you now, you got someone to blame? You say, ‘One love, one life, when it’s one need in the night. One love, we get to share it. Leaves you, baby, if you don’t care for it.’”
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The best all rounder is the only board you happen to have because thats all you can afford.
I love me some whores…errr, a big quiver.
oh Chas i disagree with such passion! variety is the spice of life.
5’8 JS Blak Box II
6ft JS Monsta6
6’2 JS Forget Me not pintail
these are my ladies and i treasure them all equally
What about that 9’6 hipster Mal I always see you riding?
actually mate she’s a 9’4, her name is Dolores and she’s my side chick
Ain’t no such thing as an all purpose board. You sacrifice one attribute for another on hybrids like the short round. Had one myself, and felt okay, but my short board did the job better on the good days, and puddle jumper did better on the soft days. In terms of utilitarian, the mini driver from Lost, is one of the more versatile boards I’ve ever had … works well as a quad in mush (also in big/hollow) or great as a thruster in everyday surf, but even that one lacks in certain departments.
Most of my “one’s” I still have and are in my bullpen waiting to be called back up. Some are damaged beyond reasonable repair, but i can not part ways. Like my Pavel “Speed Dialer.” Opened my eyes, made me a believer in magic from a fast ball to change up solid. Now in two pieces with her bottom layer glass torn from her tail to nose. Next 6’10 Bill Frierson a step up aka “Mini Gun.” Oh boy! May have been my first really good board, It held pace from Laniakea’s to Backyards. Can’t say it loved going left at Pipe going right was another story. The outline on that board is still relevant regret to say the board is dinged missing a fin sitting up in rafters. The most consistent “One’s” absolutely no question my Rick Hamon’s never a bad board from that guy. Feet always on the right spot. Got on a fishing boat didn’t have time.. Put my 6’7″ and 7’2 in used rack. Still regret that decision.. Have an 8’2″ near Rory somewhere. Whenever I flipped “R” board over in my size and his name was signed. Sold and thank you! Finally my oldest son and I shaped and built a 5’6″ fish named “Al Greydon” for him more than a few years back. He had tough time making it work watching him flounder made me angry. He came in discouraged and I grabbed the board from him paddled out and got three to the beach. I surfed that board for over a year straight in everything. That board fit the wave like a bar of soap truly unstoppable pig dogging.. I had guys paddle back out saying “You traveled for fucking ever on that last one.” To an “Older” local making a point to paddle over letting me know I had a couple good ones today at outer barrier island that spits conch shells when its on. Almost year later that included a serious knee injury. I was out surfing a fun board and a young guy paddled up ask me my name. His reply was “I have a picture of you surfing that you got to have!” I was riding my “Al Greydon.” My only One.
Holy shit it’s 20 inches wide! (5’9″ x 20″x 2.38″) How do you turn it? http://www.lostsurfboards.n… Oh wait the 5’9″ Hypto is 20 1/8. Carry on.
i’m no whore. Mayhem 5’10” V2 shortboard, 27l in everything. go 6’0″ 32l if you’re a fat fuck nowadays. put in AM2s if you need it to hold better.
Whores??? BeachGrit finally got fun!
I’m hearin ya Chas! My 10 yr old 5’10” CI Biscuit may be yellow now, but she still suits me better than any board I’ve purchased since. Round pin for drive with plenty of foam, 2′ – 2X overhead, it’s all I seem to need these days. Lack of rocker makes it interesting when it gets hollow, so sure, I pearl occasionally, but make the adjustments and she goes.
I was thinking about getting a 5’4” CI Biscuit then was reading about the FireWire Almond Butter. They seem pretty much the same?
Don’t know much about the fire wire, but the concept is similar for sure. I look at the Biscuit as the original of its kind.
One board quiver!? Next you will be telling us raw veggies make you look taller. Water can help you to breathe. Sleeping can make you fat. Matt Wilkinson charges Chopes.