An internship you need to see to believe!
Summer’s here, and I’m sad to say that Rory Parker’s Kauai Spare Room Learning Academy for Surfboard Writers remains on hiatus due to alleged Mann Act violations.
I find myself at loose ends.
As much as I love imparting wisdom to young souls using my own brand of especially hands-on didacticism my legal counsel has advised me to put things on hold as we deal with the aforementioned ongoing litigation.
“You can’t fuck your students, Rory.”
“Why not? Sartre and de Beauvoir did.”
“And they both got in trouble for it. It’s not allowed. You’re in a position of power. They’re too easily influenced.”
“I don’t see how that’s my problem.”
“They’re pressing charges. That’s why it’s your problem.”
“But seventeen is legal in Hawaii.”
“It isn’t in their home state. You can’t fly kids to Hawaii and then fuck them.”
“Ah! But I didn’t fly them out. Their parents bought the tickets.”
“Yeah and their parents are pissed. They thought they were sending their kids to Summer school, not some degenerate fuck house.”
“How dare you! There’s nothing degenerate about what I did to them!”
“Don’t play dumb, you’re in a lot of trouble. Seriously, get your shit together.”
But all hope is not yet lost! Global Hobo, a travel website aimed at millennials playing vagabond on mommy and daddy’s dime, is hosting a similar program. And they’re accepting applications!
For the low low cost of US$1989 (airfare and meals not included), you can fly to Bali and learn the ins and outs of travel blogging at the feet of literary luminaries such as Gemma Clarke, Nat Kassel, Shaun Fisher, and Mimi LaMontagne!
Twenty year olds critiquing my writing! Unfettered access to a series of easily manipulated ambulatory orifices! How could I pass up this amazing opportunity to pay someone to work for them?
Travel to the uber-hip Balinese province of Canggu with Global Hobo. Over the course of a month, a team of word-savvy hobos will be given intensive writing and blogging tutelage focused on travel as well as cross-cultural language training with a Balinese language school. In their free time, interns will be exploring every nook and cranny of southern Bali so they can put together a comprehensive online destination guide in teams. They’ll also be producing two pieces for Global Hobo, which will be heavily workshopped over the course of the program. (Emphasis theirs.)
Blogging tutelage!
Twenty year olds critiquing my writing! Unfettered access to a series of easily manipulated ambulatory orifices! How could I pass up this amazing opportunity to pay someone to work for them?
I ran the idea by my wife, she’s more than willing to bankroll my month long adventure in shouting down criticism and peer pressuring kids into experimental living. All that remains is to be accepted.
Send a winning cover letter, resume and writing sample to our editor Gemma at [email protected] proving why you are the hobo worthy of this incredible opportunity and outlining any skills you think may be relevant, such as photography, social media, the ability to use inDesign etc. Any boring emails will be thrown out the window.
Here’s my application letter.
Dearest Gemma,
I recently came across your call for interns and would love nothing more than to pay for the privilege of contributing to your website.
I’m very well traveled, having sojourned (that’s a great word, right?) to locales such as Canada, Mexico, Costa Rica, Nicaragua, Argentina, Chile, Morocco, Turkey, Egypt, China, Thailand, and Cambodia. So many adventures, so many fond memories.
I once punched a beggar child in the head! He was trying to lift my wallet and totally had it coming.
Glancing at your photos on social media I noticed many young, nubile, college students. But not a single thirty six year old married man. Which you desperately need. What I lack in taut skin and trim waistline I more than compensate for with wisdom earned through years of experience.
I’m well versed in many aspects of the vagabond trip. Including, but not limited to:
-Masturbating relatively quietly in a shared lodging scenario.
-Attaining palliative care for STI’s in third world destinations.
-Shouting at taxi drivers.
-Proper applications of violence.
-Over-use of present tense in pseudo-enlightened travel blogging.
-Proper procurement of illicit substances outside US borders.
-Making yourself understood using only gestures and volume.
I am currently clean shaven, but I am capable of growing a truly majestic beard. The following link depicts what that would look like.
Further examples of my digital prowess:
Furthermore, you can find a writing sample at the following link.
Before we move forward, as I can only assume you’re already mentally preparing my acceptance letter, I have a few questions.
Can I receive a discount if I do not plan to attend the language classes? I prefer to communicate by shouting in accented English.
Would it be possible to attain a look book prior to selecting my roommate? Both male and female, please.
What are your policies regarding public defecation?
Your terms and conditions state that participants “must agree that Global Hobo may capture and use video recordings and photographs of them over the course of the internship and may use their name, image and written testimonial in all media, be it commercial, promotional or otherwise.” Does this mean that clothing is mandatory?
Do you require disclosure of an individual’s sex offender status?
I eagerly await your reply and look forward to joining your group of sexy children outside the reach of my country’s legal system.
Sincerely,
Rory Parker
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Absolute gold Rory! I would like to add that I am in no relation to this clarke. Notice I have no “e” on the end of my far superior Clark last name. If she makes a claim that we are I’ll fish hook her so quick. Maybe even eye gouge.
Buggah was ono! I have no idea where it came from. Highly doubt it was locally caught.
I didn’t feel like firing up the grill so I baked it with shoyu, butter, miso, garlic, and ginger.
Thanks, Rory, didn’t know the salacious history our two favourite existentialists, I might buy the book, sound like it’s going to have a beachgritty vibe to it.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/…
which universities, specifically? so, your course is HE accredited? however, i cannot see any evidence of official affiliations which would validate the ‘potential’ for receiving a whole subject/module/course credit. nor can i see any academics attached to the course, which would be required to moderate content and assessment. i welcome being proved wrong, gemma. i normally am wrong.
that said, i love hobos.
rainbow rowell:
I look like a hobo?” “Worse,” he said. “Like a sad hobo clown.” “And you like it?” “I love it.” As soon as he said it, she broke into a smile. And when Eleanor smiled, something broke inside of him. Something always did.
Which NZ Universities give credit for this course?
I was not. I was cooking a slab of ono I bought at Costco.
Curious to know what’s your take on the quality of Costco-bought fish? Always kinda sorta feel bad for buying from them vs. a local fish market, but those prices are a no-brainer.
It’s surprisingly solid, considering the quantity that they move.
I feel the same way buying it there, though. I can get way better at Fish Express, but the price was so good I couldn’t say no.
I’d much rather catch it myself, but until I get a boat the pelagics are gonna stay bought not caught.
I really like their little sashimi platter/kits. They’re fun and great for, like, if you’re going to a party and don’t feel like making something to bring. Nothing near actual fresh unfrozen, but still tasty.
Generally the only seafood I buy there is stuff you can’t catch locally anyway. Shellfish mainly. Smoked salmon too. Love that stuff.
Cool.
I was at the Costco on Maui a while back and picked up a slab of Ahi as well as some Monchong (which was awesome). Not super cheap, but the quality blew me away.
I’m hooked on the kalbi butterfish collars they sell at the Big Save deli. So good.
Ok, now I think I better understand where the fuck The Inertia’s content is coming from
Kinda confused? is this a trap?
Dearest Rory,
Imagine my delight when I stumbled upon this gem in my inbox from Rory Parker. THE Rory Parker right – middle-aged surf-gossip blogger, inventor of trivial scandal and author of groundbreaking clickbait like “5 Unpleasant Truths About Surfing that Everyone Needs to Hear”? What an honour. I’d never actually heard of Beachgrit before today, but it seems you contribute invaluable material to the site by finding projects run by people 10 years younger than you and formulaically attacking them in an attempt to get likes.
So – you’ve got a vendetta against Global Hobo’s paid writing workshops. Perhaps we should switch to Derek’s “Little Weeds” monetisation model, whereby kids compete against each other and tear each other’s throats out so they might win the privilege of interning for Mr Rielly. But if you’re going to stick at this formula of writing, at least get your facts straight. I may be in my twenties, but if you creep a little deeper into my social media than you already have, you’ll notice the course is also taught by editors of surfing publications in their thirties, only they don’t have to ask their wives’ permission to come along. Also, the course costs $1989AUD, not USD, is all-inclusive and is better described as an internationally-approved university subject for journalism students than “work”. But yes, you’re very welcome to skip out on the language classes in exchange for a discount – just stick to speaking condescending, obnoxious American, as it’s obviously worked for you so far.
Let me know if your professional status ever changes from washed-up and pathetic or you learn how to generate content by means other than defaming a business – who knows, we might have a job for you.
Warmest regards,
Gemma Clarke
Woah – I eagerly await Rory’s response.
“you’re a journalism, media or communications student, enrollment in the program gives you the potential to receive a full subject’s worth of university credit”
any university that offers that is not a worthwhile university. period.
hang on, is it TRUMP University? hallelujah!
Hey Gemma, welcome to BeachGrit!! So that’s a yes to Rory’s application then? Also sorry to hear you never made the little Weeds final cut.
“We consider ourselves the definitive hub for world-savvy dirtbags who steer clear of the beaten path”
they do know they are in Canggu, right?
in all seriousness, we should wish them well. it’s a competitive writing world out there. at least they didn’t become ‘surf journalists’. and we can’t all have sugar-mummies like lucky rory.
…and furthermore, Caangu is not a “Province of Bali”, but a Village (desa), in the Badung Regency, one of the 9 Regencies of the Province of Bali, which is one of the 34 Provinces of the country of Indonesia. So to call Caangu a “Province of Bali” is like calling Byron Bay a “State of Australia”. If I was considering spending just south of 2k on a journalism course, this innacuracy would concern me a tad.
byron bay isn’t a state of australia. i call bs! it is the state of mung beans, chia seeds, and yoga!
“who knows, we might have a job for for you.”
Defending a writing workshop’s credibility with a typo. Devilish use of irony, love your work
EdIT: Gema, the world neeeds irony! Please change change it back
“middle-aged surf-gossip blogger, inventor of trivial scandal and author of groundbreaking clickbait like ‘5 Unpleasant Truths About Surfing that Everyone Needs to Hear'” is gold. Right on the nose.
I do apologize for the error regarding currency. Very sloppy. Inexcusable. US$1488.51 is much more affordable. A discount on top of that makes it a steal.
I’m in. Where do I send the check?
hahah i want to see rory’s cv if it reads like this
That quote’s going on the back of the novel I’m never gonna write.
This is pretty excellent.
As if Bali could not get any worse, Gemma Clarke and the blonde dreadlock global hobos sifting around saying bagus and eating Nasi’s in Canggu.
what’s your beef with cultural appropriation?
He’s German, do you have to ask?
Don’t be mad that Jed Smith won the little weeds comp, he earned it!
Awaiting accreditation information to enroll, myself. Please enlighten!
Disclaimer – I’m a fan of Rory’s writing so my natural bias is to go after Gemma.
Gemma – It makes sense that you would want to defend your company but the defensive/angry tone makes you seem really insecure.
Since you are a professional blogger, it seems strange that you appear unable to handle criticism or take a joke. Shouldn’t part of your repertoire include appropriate reactions to a situation like this?
On another note, you also basically admit that you have something against Americans, and your response has a typo or two in it as well.
To your defense – I will say that the potential for university credit and it being all-inclusive does make it sound like a better deal.
Gemma,
Is “obnoxious American” an international term in reference to people born in the United States? You must have picked that up in your extensive Bali travels.
I fear what could be generalized about Australians applying your logic in reference to a quote directly from your own website:
“Send a funky cover letter, story, song, cartoon or interpretive dance to [email protected] convincing us why we should pick you. Also outline any qualifications you think may be relevant, such as your ability to tactical chunder. Good luck, dirtbags.”
Yeah good point. Makes good business sense to call out a nation of 330 mil lion people, of which could probably afford some bullshit internship.
Wow Gemma, so mean!
What did she write?
It’s deleted
A vague claim regarding college credits. I’m assuming she deleted it because she can’t back it up.
Weird; I was replying to her original response. in my mind, she took the bait and flew off the handle by hurling personal insults, instead of using it as an opportunity to respond by veiling her insults in humor. Rory, some ideas for your first projects at Gemmas school: maybe a piece on “how to semi-civilly address alleged bullshit in a humorous manner”; “how to take the high-road after poking the bear”; “how to respond to a pack of super loyal, esoteric, educated, knowledgable, sarcastic asshole commentators after insulting one of their favorite author’s best pieces of work”; etc. Upon further contemplation, I think you should get in on this, and become a teacher at Gemma’s school. They need you Rory.
Yeah, Gemma needs to be careful with that. can get into trouble.
I’d be more concerned with the potential labor law violations that come with calling it an internship.
Kind of hard to argue that the kids receive more benefit than the site when GH is for-profit company, charges for the “internship,” and tasks them with creating content for the site.
.
Indonesian law.
seems like pretty standard fare, though. Aren’t internships de rigeur in the US of A?
The company is registered in Australia.
Unpaid internships are very common over here, and often totally illegal. Basically, if you reap a net benefit from the intern you are supposed to pay them. Australia laws seem to be pretty similar.
There have been a bunch of lawsuits. Here’s an older article that’s pretty relevant.
http://www.nytimes.com/2013…
Gemma! Let me warmly welcome you. My name is Chas Smith and I am co-founder of this happy community. We don’t have quite the global reach of global jojo so only charge $50 (US) per article. Since you are an established writer I’ll even extend you a deal. You can write 10 pieces for the low low price of $200. Payment must be received before we publish as we’ve been shanked in the past. (Negs. I’m looking at you and your outstanding $100 balance). Oh. And since your comment was so long it counts as a half article, or $35. If you commit to our package deal I will forgive though!
Looking forward to our future!
Warmly,
Chas
global jojo – how I lol’d
So i guess this could technically make you university lecturers in the subject of blogging. Allow for a moment for that to sink in while i wipe my ass with my now valueless degree parchment… Wait, will the esteemed Ethan Zane be teaching the instagram photo curation segment??? Is he back in tha tropics??
I can honestly say I wish I would have thought up this scam to fund my fun. Well played
You got smoked !
Ahh yes, I had forgotten all about the dick illustrations!
Pray tell, what is your sex offender status?
You’re not my neighbor, I don’t have to tell you.
Oh you’re no fun anymore!
That’s the best thing I have read for a while.
I did. I have not yet received a reply.
Haha; I do hope they reply.
Looks the closest to a Blood Feud since, sheesh, I don’t know when.
these would be the same type of idiots that paid 2k to sam george to go on a trip to indo to surf and become a better surf journalist.
i did that and fell in love with sam. so handsome! so dashing! so wise! but a dolphin ate my homework.
The World needs to hear more about this trip Angel…
i did that and got a job at surfing mag!
Sorry.
Except theirs was an actual accredited course run by a non-profit.
That shit was pretty shaky…some for-profit, online deal in Nevada or Colorado offered “credit” for the course, I believe, but they were nowhere near formal regional or national accreditation (e.g. Western Association of Schools and Colleges).
So if you attended a real university or college, you would have to apply to transfer the credits from bumfuck for-profit/online university and almost certainly be denied the credits at your home institution.
Same scam happened with the surf study abroad companies (also pitched as non-profit status) a la Groundswell Educational Travel. By a quick google search, they are now out of business after offering “study abroad” at their parents’ second homes in Central America and Indo.
That or they took the sucker money and ran.
I thought they were hooked up with SDSU?
That was the Groundswell Travel thing, co-founded by SDSU personnel. SDSU never endorsed nor offered credit because they have actual accreditation and standards. GT used the affiliation to give the impression that SDSU institutionally backed it. They didn’t. Not even as electives for their own students. The “credits” were through someplace with a name like Colorado Rocky College (some bullshit) that was online only and had offices in Nevada, I believe. I’d imagine that’s why they nixed the whole thing. Quite a few conflicts of interest, serious legal jeopardy for SDSU.
That’s very interesting. I had no idea.
this professor knows his research methods.
so, how do we go about accrediting our own course?
can we go through the university the wsl got in bed with? they seem to want to be surfy surfy
Better to give your tax write-off philanthrobucks to Columbia than SDSU. Even if Columbia don’t need the money, I’m glad it’s going to a school where graduates generally don’t become strippers and sunglasses sales reps.
But truly, an M.S. in fundraising is almost as big of a scam as interning as a hobo:
http://sps.columbia.edu/fun…
Just think! They can all get Roofied by Echo Beach bartenders like Mara Wolford did. That’ll give the little bastards something to write about.
Bringing the heat today NC! I like you since you turned 57.
Dude, Meems is teaching a travel blog class! For MONEY!! And what are we doing. Wasting our lives, that’s what.
It’s immoral to let a sucker keep his money, as they say
you too can make money, nick. what skills can you bring to the table? what resort would you like to stay in. i’ll then get to the marketing plan.
you can trust me.
I would pay good money to have Nick tuck me in after a mesmerising night of stories of yesteryear.
I’m not talking to you. You frightened Gemma Clarke away, you vicious harpy.
Yes, I feel very bad about it too.. True.
If you are out there Gemma, I am sorry. May hobos rule the globe.
Allegedly roofied
It’s a bargain when you compare it to a week of coaching with Surf Simply. I’m in.
That’s some top form Rory Parker right there!