Did the sexy-as-a-wolf Kaipo Guerrero bolt
you to your computer during the Tahiti Pro too? The former pro surfer (Hawaiian
champ, NSSA open champ, three years top 16 Bud Pro Tour) has a
rough-hewn danger that takes the imaginative viewer down a
rabbit-hole of scenarios. Kaipo ain’t no twink!
Can you count the ways? Don’t it make you want to POV a PAWG
gittin’ IR on that BHC? No? Yes?
But being in the spotlight ain’t new for this
waterman who learned to surf at Waikiki and who has made four
crossings of the Molokai channel in his little canoe.
Kaipo, who is 48 years old, has always carried the gun
of ultra-handsome. Back in 1985, when he was eighteen years old, he
was the star of a Herb Ritts shoot with the most popular
singer in the world, Madonna. The gal loved that sugar so much she
stole him away to Japan.
Thirty-one years later, Kaipo has returned to call the most
prestigious events in surfing, including the now-legendary Tahiti
Pro.
But that time, that era, when the world revolved around Madonna
and Madonna revolved around a teenager from Oahu, oh man, it’s
beautiful.
Relive here the Herb Ritts shoot.
Spread one: Madonna jams uke with Kaipo on her left, in pyjamas.
In green suit, Kaipo grasps the New York crooner.
Where’s Kaipo? Black shirt, grey jacket. Kelia
Moniz’ daddy Tony is there having his foot grabbed by
Madonna but y’know it’s the stud in the back who eating
good.
Loading comments...
Load Comments
0
Kelly Slater: “Help me trash the
ocean!”
By Chas Smith
Yesterday, Kelly Slater had the Wavegarden in his
sights. Today, the ocean!
The greatest ever surfer made his last request
known today. He wants his friends to pollute the ocean! Each and
every one of them! Over and over again!
Kelly Slater took to Instagram at around 3 pm (Pacific Time
Zone), imploring his loved ones in bold font:
When I die, line my friends up and have them toss bits of my
ashes it tubes one after another.
Seriously.
It makes sense that he would want the ocean to look like
the Ganges in India, choked with charred human corpses, because he
has a competing technology, the World Surf League Wave Co. formerly
known as the Kelly Slater Wave Co.
Who would ever go in the ocean again? Inland wave lake
businesses would explode in popularity and Kelly’s relatives/WSL
will own the only relevant model!
And of course I kid (not about him taking out Wavegarden through
sheer public embarrassment). It is a beautiful sentiment, some of
the greatest surfers of all time burying their king in the tubes.
Him being in his most natural spot forever and ever more. Etc.
When you go, where do you want your remains?
I read a story recently that suggested our fascination with
cremation is robbing future generations of history. There will no
longer be any graveyards for people to go read names, dates.
etc.
When I die, dig a pit at the Hollywood Forever cemetery, toss my
bones in and stick a big stone at the head end reading:
HERE LIES CHAS SMITH
…
…
…
ummmmm I haven’t come up with the rest yet.
I’ll leave it to you!
Loading comments...
Load Comments
0
Finally: A dystopian wave pool!
By Chas Smith
All this damned short-sighted talk. One company is
brave enough to peer into the future!
I’ve been reading some things (mostly comments
on BeachGrit to be honest) about how climate change will
destroy waves due to rising sea levels etc. and we’ll be bereft
except for wave pools.
Our salvations!
Except how many dystopian movies do you watch?
Waterworld is the only one I can think of that paints our
future wet. All the others, Mad Max: The Road Warrior,
Mad Max Fury Road, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome,
etc. paint it bone dry.
And so where are we going to get water to fill the Wavegarden
and the @WSLWAVECO pools?
(frowny face)
Surf will be over.
But not if YouRiding Games has anything to say about it. They
just released a surf simulator for your “ultimate virtual surf
session!” Let’s read about it!
The Virtual Surf game constitutes the alliance of three
avant-guarde technologies with the Oculus Rift, Microsoft Kinect
and the YouRiding Games tech expertise – authentic specialists of
surf video games since 2007. With these synergies, this 2.0 version
gives the impression of being transported to the most beautiful
surf breaks in the world.
The virtual waves have been barreling since last summer and
over thirty thousand visitors to the surf museum in Biarritz
(France) have shared the surf stoke… virtually.
Along with the amazing list of available waves, would-be
surfers can know ride the hollowest reef wave on the planet…
Teahupo’o in Tahiti. Plus, if long shreddable tubes are your cup of
tea, then you would choose the long point break on Australia’s Gold
Coast… Snapper Rocks. Not to worry, all the epic waves from version 1.0 are still
available (Côte des Basques, Belharra, Mundaka, La gravière,
Lacanau).
Today, Virtual Surf gives the opportunity for everyone to
“Get out of the barrel at Teahupo’o and follow the reflection of
the sun in a glassy ocean… It is an incredible experience to live
at least once, even without being a real surfer”, says Mike Jegat,
founder of YouRiding Games. The team focuses deeply on the wave
mechanics, the color of the ocean and the appearance in order to
give the illusion that you are truly surfing real waves.
Taking full advantage of the current technologies, YouRiding
is able to deliver beautiful graphics that put you directly in the
surf. One of the coolest new features is implementing the position
of the sun and it’s realistic reflection on the water’s surface.
Your epic virtual sunset surf is waiting.
After taking off on the wave, the player can now start the
wave with a Check Turn, slide into a ten second Barrel then
exit the ever popular wave Claim. Follow that up with a Top turn, a
Roller then a beautiful Cutback. Finally, regain speed in order to
do an Air before the wave closes out. All that without having taken
any risks or breaking a surfboard. This is the ultimate surfing
experience!
To continue to be honest with you, I don’t think I’ll be a
“surfer” in our dystopian future. That last paragraph, and this
picture, really killed it for me. I’m not good at fixing cars
either so my run on Fury Road will be short. I’m a horrible aim so
won’t be able to hunt people for sport…
…ummm. Shoot. Maybe I’ll be a bartender and make delicious
Soylent Green cocktails?
That might be valuable.
Loading comments...
Load Comments
0
#TourNotes: Slater Releases Hounds!
By Derek Rielly
Behind-the-scenes with Kelly Slater, final day,
Tahiti Pro…
As I’ve become fond of saying, is an event really
over until Peter King has dropped his final
#TourNotes?
Who can miss an episode? It’s disposable pop art that’s perfect
for Generation Self; a yowling discharge of all those down days,
all that… nothing but everything… that surrounds
those two-week waiting periods at contests. It’s peculiar, it’s
memorable, it’s a surface with slips but no adjustments.
In this episode, we’re on the boat with Kelly Slater on the
final day of the Tahiti Pro. His girlfriend Kalani (hot! hot!) is
there in her
little Mikoh bikini, John John reveals a sense of
humour normally reserved for close pals, Kelly does a very good
impersonation of Hawaiian pidgin and we see Kolohe Andino, who says
he wants Kelly Slater to win the event, rib the commentator Kaipo
Guerrero for his one-time affair with the singer
Madonna.
It’s a subtler episode that most, subdued perhaps, because of
the gloomy skies and the smallish, if good, waves, but it serves,
as it always does, to remind us that the professional surfer is
more human than the post-heat interviews reveal.
Watch!
Loading comments...
Load Comments
0
Blood Feud: WSL vs. Wavegarden!
By Chas Smith
WSL CEO Paul Speaker loves to kick men when they
are down! Apparently!
It is rude to kick a man when he is down, is it
not? To really bury a boot into his already beaten ribs? To just
haul off and punt as he bleeds into the ground, tears streaming
down bruised cheeks? Gasping and wheezing?
I think rude but what do I know! I’m not the 16 x world
champion! I’m not Kelly Slater!
Let’s study the above Instagram picture and ponder the rudeness
of the question asked. Does anyone… anyone at all… think that
Wavegarden’s offering is even in the same league as Kelly’s?
Anyone? At all?
Anyone?
It is a rhetorical question, no? And one asked to inflict
maximum damage. To maybe rupture kidneys. To break two ribs at
once.
Oh but wait! Let’s look a little bit closer. That’s not Kelly
Slater’s Creedler doing any kicking… that’s… that’s…
…that’s WSL CEO Paul Speaker’s Sanuk (he’s taken off his Roger
Goodell Rockport Essentials with ergonomic back support to try and
fit in)!
Yes, the Kelly Slater Wave Co. has apparently changed its name,
or at least its Instagram handle, to the World Surf League Wave
Co/@wslwaveco (remember WSL purchased!) and then went looking for a
fight!
It had to go all the way to Wales, England to find a man
already badly beaten, laying on the ground, struggling to breathe
before taking a running start and…
…BOOM!
Will you teach your children to follow Paul Speaker’s example?
To pick on those already abused? To wail away on opponents who
cannot defend themselves?
Do you think Paul Speaker should run for President of the United
States?
Loading comments...
Load Comments
0
Jon Pyzel and Matt Biolos by
@theneedforshutterspeed/Step Bros