Yesterday, Kelly Slater had the Wavegarden in his sights. Today, the ocean!
The greatest ever surfer made his last request known today. He wants his friends to pollute the ocean! Each and every one of them! Over and over again!
Kelly Slater took to Instagram at around 3 pm (Pacific Time Zone), imploring his loved ones in bold font:
When I die, line my friends up and have them toss bits of my ashes it tubes one after another.
Seriously.
It makes sense that he would want the ocean to look like the Ganges in India, choked with charred human corpses, because he has a competing technology, the World Surf League Wave Co. formerly known as the Kelly Slater Wave Co.
Who would ever go in the ocean again? Inland wave lake businesses would explode in popularity and Kelly’s relatives/WSL will own the only relevant model!
Yesterday he took out his remaining ocean alternative, the Wavegarden, through sheer public embarrassment.
And of course I kid (not about him taking out Wavegarden through sheer public embarrassment). It is a beautiful sentiment, some of the greatest surfers of all time burying their king in the tubes. Him being in his most natural spot forever and ever more. Etc.
When you go, where do you want your remains?
I read a story recently that suggested our fascination with cremation is robbing future generations of history. There will no longer be any graveyards for people to go read names, dates. etc.
When I die, dig a pit at the Hollywood Forever cemetery, toss my bones in and stick a big stone at the head end reading:
HERE LIES CHAS SMITH
…
…
…
ummmmm I haven’t come up with the rest yet.
I’ll leave it to you!
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Pretty incredible portrait!
This reminds me – I’ve been tasked with spreading ashes at sea. Any tips?
HERE LIES CHAS SMITH
NOT THE BEST JOURNALIST
FUCK HE WAS BORDERLINE ILLITERATE
STILL GOT PEOPLE TO READ HIS RANTS
GO FIGURE
I want to be prepared, stuffed and mounted like a Black Bear in a ski lodge. I can see myself enjoying an afterlife leering and leaning threateningly at unsuspecting freshly fucked milf’s enjoying a cocoa by the fireplace. I would also settle for a permanent installation haunting the Bells car park sucking down a billy in my ute.
i can loan my gator for the bells car park install
“Chas Smith – Father of Hot daughters reputedly “
Hey Chas– what’s even more important than your bones–is where your souls gonna wind up–heaven and hell are both real–and eternity is such a long time–don’t put off repenting and asking God to forgive you of your sins–there’s no guarantee you’ll get another chance down the line–before you ride that last wave…
I’m just waiting for the same dribble you rehash on Inertia endlessly – where is it????
Free waves, Surf Groupies, don’t pay to ride waves etc etc
The religion bits a new one???
how’d he find us?
Fuck me I was thinking the same thing!!!!
Hey Tom–thanks for reading–I’ll try and mix it up a bit more–take care…
Putting new holes in the bible belt eh?
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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Blood feud SLATER VS. Stoned eyes more to come “DEREK!”
Here lies Chas smith, Ellen degeneres’s gay son from Oregon. Fashionista first, surfer last. Nothing cheered Chas up more than some tight pants or stirring up controversy out of thin air. He won’t be missed by many but we do wish Chas a farewell and tap on the dick for the afterlife
Was that you at expo last year with “metal jimmy” puking everywhere? I think we may have met?
no
” here lies chas smith,a face you want to punch, yet end up smoking a joint and laughing with. The line for Brazilians to take pisses on the headstone starts two starbucks back”