Filipe Toledo
Filipe Toledo…knows…he doesn't have to do anything extraordinary to swing through the early rounds. Later? Watch… | Photo: WSL

Analysis: Day one, Oi Rio Pro!

Italo's 50-50 snowboard technique, Nat Young's ability to simplify and more!

Whatever you think of the Rio contest, it’s better than the purgatory of a lot of our lives.

I see a dazzling equatorial beach. I imagine girls whose indigenous features kung fu my abdomen, and whose system of sexual values is a reversal of the coin of promiscuity.

I see surfing so good, so wonderful, I honestly don’t think there’s enough syrupy adjectives to throw at ’em.

Four hours of staring at a phone screen while bouncing around in cars, inhaling cocktails, and everything else, yielded, from my point of view, these observations.

Italo: Surfs with a snowboarder’s fifty-fifty stance. The most naturally ambidextrous surfer on tour. The shaper who let me grab a room in his villa here on the cliffs on Uluwatu said you could tie a string from his cock and it would hang in a perfectly straight line. Italo moves faster, turn to turn, than any other surfer on tour. Not necessarily powerful but…electric. Room to grow in the rail game, if we’re going to be frank.

Filipe: Wasn’t trying big airs. Looked fast, solid, despite being out of the water for two-and-half months. Has the best weight-to-strength ratio on tour. Knows he doesn’t have to do anything extraordinary to get an eight-point ride and swing through the early rounds. With the swell dropping he’s going to be an absolute fucking nightmare for everyone.

Gabriel Medina: Do you feel, like me, that all it’s going to the to kick Gabriel into gear is one big score? One event win? If he wins one, he’ll get on a four-winning streak. No weaknesses. Frontside. Backside. Big. Small. Tubes. Whatever. Once he builds momentum he’s unbeatable.

Julian and Kolohe: Both of ’em looked confused, half asleep. Neither of ’em in the zone. Overconfidence? Maybe.

John John: In constrast to Julian and Kolohe, John John looked fired up. The waves didn’t come to him, but he squeaked a win.

Adriano: Looked great. But keeps losing these close battles. You could watch all his losing heats this year and understand they could’ve gone either way. Only lost to the wildcard replacement for Kelly Slater here ’cause of a last-minute wave.

Wilko: Kept looking for rights when the bank was a left.

Nat Young: Simplifies everything. Figures everything out then makes it real simple. Makes it easy on himself. Knows where to sit. How to surf. No head trips. He’s figured out the game. A staple top ten surfer for the next five years.

Oi Rio Pro Men’s Round 1 Results:
Heat 1: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 13.77, Kanoa Igarashi (USA) 11.60, Dusty Payne (HAW) 11.30
Heat 2: Leonardo Fioravanti (ITA) 14.30, Stuart Kennedy (AUS) 12.93, Gabriel Medina (BRA) 11.80
Heat 3: Davey Cathels (AUS) 12.00, Julian Wilson (AUS) 9.24, Deivid Silva (BRA) 7.43
Heat 4: Italo Ferreira (BRA) 16.50, Miguel Pupo (BRA) 10.86, Bino Lopes (BRA) 8.66
Heat 5: Marco Fernandez (BRA) 13.43, Jadson Andre (BRA) 11.57, Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 8.73
Heat 6: Lucas Silveira (BRA) 15.84, Adriano de Souza (BRA) 13.80, Keanu Asing (BRA) 13.74
Heat 7: Nat Young (USA) 15.04, Michel Bourez (PYF) 9.37, Alex Ribeiro (BRA) 5.83
Heat 8: Jordy Smith (ZAF) 12.37, Conner Coffin (USA) 10.83, Jack Freestone (AUS) 10.70
Heat 9: Adam Melling (AUS) 15.23, Jeremy Flores (FRA) 15.13, Josh Kerr (AUS) 15.04
Heat 10: Ryan Callinan (AUS) 15.53, Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) 13.44, Kolohe Andino (USA) 7.67
Heat 11: Alejo Muniz (BRA) 13.50, Adrian Buchan (AUS) 13.46, Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 12.77
Heat 12: John John Florence (HAW) 11.34, Caio Ibelli (BRA) 10.84, Matt Banting (AUS) 6.34

Oi Rio Pro Men’s Round 2 Match-Ups:
Heat 1: Adriano de Souza (BRA) vs. Bino Lopes (BRA)
Heat 2: Matt Wilkinson (AUS) vs. Deivid Silva (BRA)
Heat 3: Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. Dusty Payne (HAW)
Heat 4: Gabriel Medina (BRA) vs. Alex Ribeiro (BRA)
Heat 5: Jeremy Flores (FRA) vs. Jack Freestone (AUS)
Heat 6: Kolohe Andino (USA) vs. Matt Banting (AUS)
Heat 7: Sebastian Zietz (HAW) vs. Keanu Asing (BRA)
Heat 8: Caio Ibelli (BRA) vs. Jadson Andre (BRA)
Heat 9: Adrian Buchan (AUS) vs. Miguel Pupo (BRA)
Heat 10: Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) vs. Stuart Kennedy (AUS)
Heat 11: Josh Kerr (AUS) vs. Kanoa Igarashi (USA)
Heat 12: Conner Coffin (USA) vs. Michel Bourez (PYF)

WSL commentary
Does it feel to you, as it does to me, that this four-pack has started to hit some beautiful notes? (From left) The provocative Ron Blakey with the black wavy hair combed severely back from the forehead. Strider Wasilewski, the fiery red, the honest countenance of Ross Williams and Peter Mel, who might be considered, in impolite company, as Ron Blakey's less attractive twin. But where's Pottz? The only commentator to've won a world title?

Rio: “Breaking the lily white barrier!”

Rory Parker weighs in on a "fabulous" day of professional surfing!

Thank god (who doesn’t exist) that Rio starts in the middle of the night for me. Otherwise I’d’ve been forced to sit through this garbage. Chas is down in Mexico, Derek’s in Bali lounging about, and I’m stuck in boring old Kauai. So this shit falls to me.

And shit it is.

The water’s supposedly cleaner at Grumari. I don’t know about that. Is ten miles or so enough distance to sufficiently dilute the Rio effluent? I know the WSL would claim so, but they were willing to force everyone to three-to-the-beach it in pure poison. Or, at least, everyone they could.

The thing with rules, if you don’t enforce all of them then none of them mean anything. Letting Slater and Otton blow off the comp for “personal reasons,” Parko use a knee injury to malinger his way into some ‘QS barrels, that shit sets a precedent. The WSL is gonna look like a bunch of favoritism playing cocks when they decide to enforce Article 17 in the future. Rules apply to everyone, or they don’t apply to anyone.

Not that there aren’t political implications to laying the hammer down on the guys who opted out. Probably don’t want to play a game of chicken with Slater. He doesn’t have much to lose. On tour this year, or in life in general. Press the point and shit could get ugly. Maybe they’d unionize again!

Of course, now the event resembles a ‘QS six star, or whatever the hell they call them now. Garbage surf, manufactured scores, and heat sheets that read like a who’s who of who-the-fuck-is-that?

Toledo’s dick is healed, good for him. Broken dongs are hell to live with.

Leo “don’t call him the Italian Stallion” Fioravanti surfs pretty good.

A single frontside reverse is still enough to earn you a 6+ score.

If the judges can see the nose of your board then the barrel don’t count!

Great to see Kaipo Guerrero handling the mic. Finally breaking that lily white color barrier! Too bad he dropped his local twang. Pure nasal white boy milk and parsnips. Don’t forget your roots, Kaipo. You got inside Madonna, ain’t no one on Earth can tell you how to handle your shit.

Italo’s nine… shades of De Souza’s twenty eleven floater. Must’ve looked different in person. Two backside pokes before completion ain’t excellent in any context.

Mel talking about the changing of the guard, similarity between ‘QS and ‘CT was pretty damn apt. Take a look here, best heat of round one Rio.

Remind me again why they slashed the wildcards in Hawaii. It’s because the guys didn’t earn their spots, right? No fair some local hero plays spoiler when there’s a title on the line. Guess they better start shitting on the beach and shooting motherfuckers. Open a bunch of spots right up.

Lucas Silveira is a lucky lucky boy. Gifted a spot at the last moment, two identical backside ‘QS approaches won him his first heat on the big stage. Happy happy clap and flex. Wave wasn’t good enough for a web clip, but it was enough to knock ADS and Asing into the losers’ round.

Holy hell! Even with the Heat Analyzer’s ability to reduce each romp into a four minute long click fest this shit is pure tedium.

Kerr’s air was pretty sweet. But I think Pottz would agree he tried too hard. Two feet lower, frontside reverse would have earned him pretty much the same score. All that pumping passed up a bunch of lip tap opportunities. Make use of them, add a claim, that shit would have been a ten.

“Brazil’s one of those places where you kind of know what you’re gonna come and get. You’re gonna get kind of a sloppy beach break condition. There is the odd perfect day, but mostly you’re gonna come down here and have to battle through it.”

That’s right, Strider!

Yet every single fucking year, here we are.

Racist: The WSL’s whitewashed tour!

Where is the color?

Rio is running right now, minus many stars/waves but I cannot be bothered watching because I am in Mexico, half margarita hungover, half looking out past cactus and palm upon the gorgeous sea.

Mexico may well be my favorite country on earth, save Djibouti. Its people, food, waves, variety, geography, liquor all inspire and do you remember when the World Championship Tour was also inspired and ran a contest here at Barra? It was one of the best ever.

But they have not been back and why? Why is mainland Mexico not a stop? Why is Indonesia, for that matter, not a stop? What about Namibia, Nicaragua, Morocco? It is a very racist tour when one pauses and looks. The first three stops are in the whitest country on earth then Rio (dark), Fiji (dark), South Africa (white), Tahiti (dark-ish but let’s be honest), California (white), France (white), Portugal (white), Hawaii (unfortunately white).

Rio and Fiji are the only real dashes of racial diversity in the whole stew. Tahiti-ish. And why can’t the Tour be a little more reflective of our colorful earth? Why can’t it come back to Mexico? Why couldn’t it go to Papua New Guinea? I find it all very Trump.

Samsung Galaxy surfboard
How about this thing? A phone built into Gabriel Medina's surfboard. A merciful release from the torture of solitude. "A screen on the deck of the board with built-in LED lights can display Twitter messages with a predefined hashtag as well as graphics with real-time information on the direction and intensity of the wind and the series of oncoming waves."

Hot: Gabriel’s Samsung Surfboard!

An electronic release from the torture of solitude!

A couple of days ago, a dazzling, all-black John Cabianca-shaped surfboard fitted with a telephone was loosed by Samsung and the Leo Burnett agency.

Designed for the world champion Gabriel Medina, the board “took a year and a half to complete, the Samsung Galaxy Surfboard is activated by inserting a Galaxy S7 smartphone. A screen on the deck of the board with built-in LED lights can display Twitter messages with a predefined hashtag as well as graphics with real-time information on the direction and intensity of the wind and the series of oncoming waves.”

Screen Shot 2016-05-10 at 6.37.11 am

Maybe you want to sling a few arrows at the thing, like, who needs more phone time, right? The company responds thus.

“Samsung believes that technology helps drive people’s talent. Since 1986, Samsung has supported, sponsored and promoted various sports initiatives in the countries hosting them. More than supporting athletes, we want to provide them with solutions. The board offers this innovative look at a solitary sport and our convergent technology is a strong differentiator for this and various other sports,” said Loredana Sarcinella, senior marketing director for the Mobile Devices division.

“Unlike other sports, in professional surfing, the athletes are away from the fans from their country almost the entire year. Even during practice, surfers spend hours out at sea, while their coaches are on the shore. These distances are obstacles to the athletes’ evolution and motivation. With the help of Samsung’s technology, we created the Galaxy Surfboard, a board that will connect Medina with his coach and fans while he’s out in the water, in real time,” said Marcelo Reis, co-president of Leo Burnett Tailor Made.

Watch the magic unfurl here.

Oh! And the Gabriel-Samsung telephone combo ain’t the first! The Brazilian Teco Padaratz did it in 2005 with Intel!

Watch here! 


Kelly Slater Sherman

Official: Kelly Slater out of Rio!

The Brazil leg of the tour ain't looking so good right now… 

And another one bites the dust.

Rio ain’t doing so good. The original contest site is fucked, Conner Coffin and Carissa Moore saw some dude get murdered. Parko’s nursing a knee injury by competing in Bali. Kai Otton has “personal matters” keeping him out of the feces infested nightmare they call an ocean. Taj is over it.

And now Slater is out too!

First reports of his opt-out came yesterday, reported by Surfheater. 

Great scoop! Hit him up to find out the details. Looks legit.

“Friends in Rio. They don’t want to be named. News of Slater pulling out will be made official shortly.”

Accompanying that brief message was this story.

Now, I don’t speak Portuguese, but I’ve got good enough Spanish to puzzle it out. Because Portuguese, as well as Italian and French, are all pretty much the same language. Just spoken with varying amounts of marbles in your mouth.

He’ll be replaced by Lucas Silveira, 2016 World Junior Champion.

Silveira’s instagram comfirms he will be competing in the event.

While the WSL hasn’t provided official confirmation that Mr Slater is out I think it’s safe to say you should go adjust your fantasy surfer teams accordingly. If you’ve still got Slater on your team. Which I do not.