Rory Parker weighs in on a "fabulous" day of professional surfing!
Thank god (who doesn’t exist) that Rio starts in the middle of the night for me. Otherwise I’d’ve been forced to sit through this garbage. Chas is down in Mexico, Derek’s in Bali lounging about, and I’m stuck in boring old Kauai. So this shit falls to me.
And shit it is.
The water’s supposedly cleaner at Grumari. I don’t know about that. Is ten miles or so enough distance to sufficiently dilute the Rio effluent? I know the WSL would claim so, but they were willing to force everyone to three-to-the-beach it in pure poison. Or, at least, everyone they could.
The thing with rules, if you don’t enforce all of them then none of them mean anything. Letting Slater and Otton blow off the comp for “personal reasons,” Parko use a knee injury to malinger his way into some ‘QS barrels, that shit sets a precedent. The WSL is gonna look like a bunch of favoritism playing cocks when they decide to enforce Article 17 in the future. Rules apply to everyone, or they don’t apply to anyone.
Not that there aren’t political implications to laying the hammer down on the guys who opted out. Probably don’t want to play a game of chicken with Slater. He doesn’t have much to lose. On tour this year, or in life in general. Press the point and shit could get ugly. Maybe they’d unionize again!
Of course, now the event resembles a ‘QS six star, or whatever the hell they call them now. Garbage surf, manufactured scores, and heat sheets that read like a who’s who of who-the-fuck-is-that?
Toledo’s dick is healed, good for him. Broken dongs are hell to live with.
Leo “don’t call him the Italian Stallion” Fioravanti surfs pretty good.
A single frontside reverse is still enough to earn you a 6+ score.
If the judges can see the nose of your board then the barrel don’t count!
Great to see Kaipo Guerrero handling the mic. Finally breaking that lily white color barrier! Too bad he dropped his local twang. Pure nasal white boy milk and parsnips. Don’t forget your roots, Kaipo. You got inside Madonna, ain’t no one on Earth can tell you how to handle your shit.
Italo’s nine… shades of De Souza’s twenty eleven floater. Must’ve looked different in person. Two backside pokes before completion ain’t excellent in any context.
Mel talking about the changing of the guard, similarity between ‘QS and ‘CT was pretty damn apt. Take a look here, best heat of round one Rio.
Remind me again why they slashed the wildcards in Hawaii. It’s because the guys didn’t earn their spots, right? No fair some local hero plays spoiler when there’s a title on the line. Guess they better start shitting on the beach and shooting motherfuckers. Open a bunch of spots right up.
Lucas Silveira is a lucky lucky boy. Gifted a spot at the last moment, two identical backside ‘QS approaches won him his first heat on the big stage. Happy happy clap and flex. Wave wasn’t good enough for a web clip, but it was enough to knock ADS and Asing into the losers’ round.
Holy hell! Even with the Heat Analyzer’s ability to reduce each romp into a four minute long click fest this shit is pure tedium.
Kerr’s air was pretty sweet. But I think Pottz would agree he tried too hard. Two feet lower, frontside reverse would have earned him pretty much the same score. All that pumping passed up a bunch of lip tap opportunities. Make use of them, add a claim, that shit would have been a ten.
“Brazil’s one of those places where you kind of know what you’re gonna come and get. You’re gonna get kind of a sloppy beach break condition. There is the odd perfect day, but mostly you’re gonna come down here and have to battle through it.”
That’s right, Strider!
Yet every single fucking year, here we are.
You had me hooked at “God doesn’t exist.”
Well, some one didnt get the daily load od DNA material, right Rory?
Money talks, shit floats and walks.
Fuck off Rory – get your longboard and ride Margaret River rights hero boy – Italian Stallion is the perfect name for Leo and you know why – cause it upsets you Beachgrotters – Go Leo and Italy
Drop Australia from the tour. Can’t have those refugee concentration camp loving whitest of whitey bastards having a tour event. ROI or not.
Go to Ireland. They loves surfies. In rubber. After a drink. Late at night. Wet.
Was anyone else’s fantasy team shit???
And how about all the Brazzo v. Brazzo matchups in the second round? Half of ’em are going to be gone…not sure that’s what the WSL wanted.
I’d almost forgotten how much I hated Pottz and Turps. Especially Pottz. Cheerleader for surfing safely
Are there betting agencies where you can wager a surfer will lose a heat? You know, like Dusty Payne?
I’d prefer to wager on Pottz not losing weight
I’d prefer to wager on Pottz losing his last two teeth
I spend a good amount of time adjusting my boner on any warm crowded beach. God I love unsolicited tang.
Come to France. You have to adopt the drop knee stance every 3 metres or so.
Kaipo “… you can see the stoke coming off her.”
who grabbed this fuckface photo? im usually on this shit
Bali, Mexico, Kauai sound alright; the Grit must be hitting pay dirt.
THE BEST ARTICLE ABOUT RIO EVER!
Rory, C’mon, brother!!! You’re too bitter!!!
Where have you been James?
Wherever it is, please go back.
Seriously
Curating his own blog. For fucks sake. I have to explain everything around here.
Kinda looks like a fathers day infomercial…
fuck i just wanna punch everyone in the face especially ross
#allwhiteallmalepanel #worldsurfleaguesupportsdiversity https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
fixed it! https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
I find the whole Rio thing boring and outdated. Just get over it. I hate it too, but I can always tell a lot about people that bitch too much about a subject. They are usually the most obnoxious annoying types.
Shit waves? Guess what? Taking Fiji, JBay, Tahiti and Pipe out, the entire tour is filled with shitty waves (and I’m including Snapper here…).
Zika virus? Wait to see Florida (and perhaps Hawaii too) next summer. Brazil didn’t had Zika virus either, it came with a buch of asians that were attending a mega catholic event a couple of years ago. We live in a connected world. Any country with incidence of any type of mosquito is subject to new viruses nowadays. It’s the world. Do you like to live in warm places and travel? Me too… It comes with risks, get over it.
Violence? I take Rio anyday over some jihad motherfucker ready to blowup somewhere in Asia or a thug from Africa that has nothing too loose and has a especial hate towards rich white folks.
I could go on and on, and trust me, I hate Brazil, but enough with this bitching (including mine).
Nobody likes whinning bitches. Word of advice.
Quit whining, bitch.
Suck my tiny dick.
Sounds like bitching
touche
Ohhhhh the diseased yellow people brought the Zika virus okkkkk
I expect better racism from ice cube!
I find the whole Slater thing boring. Is he the only one who doesn’t know he’s over?
Do you just live on this site and worry you’re not gonna be th first one that comment on Every fucking article? Slater has more to offer the surfing world, competitively and otherwise, than anyone else in the history of our sport. And you’re accomplishments include What exactly? Have some respect.
oooooh accomplishments.
Go on Z, just tell us what you’ve accomplished in life. You know you want to…
Put the rest of us in our place at the bottom of the surf world. Sad internet hero’s that live in our mothers basements, whose idea of a good weekend is KFC buckets, bottles of Mountain Dew by the dozen and jacking off with underwear stolen off the neighbours clothes line…
You jerk off into underwear? Then what??
But you avoided the Slater topic. Is easy to hate on a legend via the web but your comments are unheralded and not legit. KS has even more tricks up his wizard sleeves that will continue to improve surfing and stoke. He’s about fun, and health, and progression. Why all the negativity..or are you just hell-bent to fit into your moniker?
No! I only sniff the underwear, I jerk off into socks like everyone else. then what? retro online Dungeons and Dragons of course…
He’s about fun, health and progression! Could you sound anymore LA and old?
I love Slater, but seeing him torture himself in shitty waves kills me, its only his ego keeping him on tour.
Negativity isn’t a bad thing Z. Just another perspective…
What’s old about staying healthy, making your diet and fitness and stretching all priorities? And looking for new ways and venues to move the needle in an otherwise predictable/ same-ol’ arena.. Surf comp venues haven’t entirely evolved, maneuvers and board design have- thanks in-large to Kelly (more so than w/ any other surfer), and he’s on-tour still because he loves competing. After 30 years of wearing a jersey he’s never gonna just walk away. It’s in his DNA. It’s fun to riddle online and take the piss out of everyone, but after spackling the same tube-sock 11 times, are you not curious what a half a cantaloupe might do to up your fantasy sex game? And so KS rides new designs.. He also owns various products that exist/thrive thanks to, and within, the surf circles. Not cupping his balls, but I’ve known homeboy for a long time and his intentions are pure, creative, and in surfers’ best interests if not wildest desires. Despite the newer gens and excitement on offer, the surf world and WSL will be a much worse place w/out him. I’d rather see people encouraging his endeavors and applauding his longevity on tour vs. suggesting he retire. Not that he gives a rodent’s vagina what you think.
It’s reassuring to know, that even though Kelly doesn’t care about us. Someone like yourself , in his inner circle will take the time to reach out to the common pond scum here at Beachgrit and speak on his behalf. We are truely honoured by the presence of the Great Zeldini
this isn’t about me, the point is he Does care!..about you, and everyone in the surf mix. Kelly actually takes the time to give a damn, reply to randoms online, talk about his boards and share surf and health knowledge, and even works issues that affect us all. For these reasons he’s a great ambassador and the tour as well as online fans will suffer in his absence.
As for pond scum, I would never refer to You as such, Derek..or Chas, or whomever is salting these mines. If it ain’t one of ya’s, then you’re a helluva clone.
Fuck, thumbs again, downvoted you by hitting “reply” inaccurately, sorry….was going to say rodent’s “anus”, or do you seppos (haven’t used that one for a decade) say “rat’s cunt”?
Rat’s ass is the term most utilized, yes. Thought I’d spice things up a bit and go the vagine.
He’s about fun and health and progression? Super. None of that has anything to do with me or my enjoyment of surfing though.
I don’t think I hated on him – I just said I was bored with him. I know that if you’re a 50-something surf industry guy, you don’t like to see Kelly fade away. You made a living off Kelly and his kind. And when Kelly goes, a part of you goes too. You feel old. I get it.
I feel fucken Amazing, actually. Surfing and Ginastica (Google it) keep me loose and stoked. Plus I’ve got the virility of a High School quarterback, but I guess attempting to jab at guys like me for calling you out makes you feel good. So as long as everyone’s feeling good then cool.
But back to Kelly..saying basically that you think he’s old and in the way is rather hateful. No one wants to see him fade away, but guess what? He never will. Try another whipping boy, there’s many other guys on tour worth writing off. You’re an Equal Opportunity hater, no?
Surf egos are so fragile, aren’t they?
I see why this topic, of all that have been here before, got you out of your shell though. Feeling old? Cheer for Kelly!
I wonder if people at What Youth laugh at you behind your back when you tell them how vibrant you are? Nah.
You seem to have difficulty staying on topic, which is Kelly. But alas! You too are a King…of the Internet Creepers. Not clear if that title requires a crown or soiled underpants.. Thx for the bio though, memory fades at my age.
Gotta go, diapers to change..if I can bend down that far. And for the record I really wish I had all fucken day to have you jerk me off but I’ve got better things to do so I’ll save that for my hot young wife. Let me know when you (yes I know who you are) wanna debate the pertinent surf topic you so boldly created. Until then, I’m Out.
Lots of jerking off references in your posts. Is that one of the ways old people try to seem younger – talking about their penises as if they still work without a little blue pill?
There’s nothing to debate. I’m bored of Kelly. He’s past his prime, sitting basically dead last and no longer looking capable of a comeback. He should move on and do his chia/coconut/board/Alpaca beanie thing. What more would you like me to say?
I understand that you like Kelly – he’s your hero. You probably sit over drinks talking to each other about how cool it is to be with women who were still in diapers when you turned 18. That’s probably fun.
Annnndd he’s back, Thank You. I was getting worried about you. Google me sideways, whatever..you’ve clearly got half a noodle on ya or I’d have scrapped this boxing match by now.
So the real Kelly shows up at the rest of the events this year, all venues he’s won before, (not sure re PRT?), most multiple times…he riding squash tails or his beloved round-pins, ample liters..he’s fit, he’s fired up, bee pollen pulsing through his veins..makes the Main event in Fiji…Wins. The #12 talk will be On & Poppin. Just like that.
KS surfs when and wherever he chooses. He’s earned that. He competes still because he has to, not because it validates his entrepreneurial quests, but much for the same reason a writer writes. An innate drive. Win or lose. Exposing his soft underbelly and his capability to lose. Succeed or fail trying. He’s no fat Elvis. He’s got plenty left in the tank, scar tissue can wait. He’s an entertainer, and still the most unpredictable surfer in the world. Won’t take much to redirect that guys’ stoke boner..wind blows..the wrong guy talks shit on him (or the Right guy).. if you don’t think he’s a lethal threat to every guy on tour still you are dreaming with birds around your head.
And aren’t you gonna feel like a Fucking JERK OFF when they’re passing out the KE12Y victory hats in the Johnson’s yard at Pipe and you’re choking on your words?? I’m gonna be STOKED! Me and the rest of the world’s real surf fans.
Maybe that’s the difference between you and me – you see Kelly as the guy from 10 years ago still. He’s not coming back.
Will I feel silly if Kelly wins number 12? Not really. Crow tastes great when prepared correctly. But he can’t beat Filipe in small waves, or Gabs in heaving lefts. He knows this – it’s why he’s riding boards that don’t work. An easy out for a guy who, even with all his titles, is still a really sore loser.
Yes the times they are a-changin.. Bob Dylan reference..it’s all that old guys like me have.. KS is well aware of the new and improved roster, but he’s beat the best (A.I., Fanning) when the surf world already wrote him off once before.. Yes these Brazos are gumby-flexible in their youth. But I’d challenge the ‘heaving lefts’ claim. Medina showed prowess in Tahiti but lacks the experience of KS when things get heavy, not just where to sit/score in the lineups of Cloudbreak or Teahupo’o, but also based on the size of what’s dangling between his legs. Gabby might go…Toledo? If those venues are big it will be speak volumes and at least we’ll all know what is and what is meant to be. And Kelly at J-Bay and Lowers is still a tough act to follow. As for sore loser? Not really..it publicly anyway. He’s usually gracious in defeat and stoked for whomever wins, knowing the feeling all too well himself. Jury’s still out on his collection of voodoo dolls and dart boards.
Sorry man, but Kelly’s not one to watch at Trestles, and Gabs has the competitive chops at Chopes and Tavi that Kelly only used to have.
When was the last time Kelly won J-Bay? Or Cloudbreak or Chopes? Or even Pipe (no, not the 1*, the real contest)? Kelly’s put his best foot forward this year and lost soundly at three waves he once dominated (or in the case of Margs, would have dominated).
Really though – if you want to know who’s got it these days, ask the kids. The kids are frothing over Filipe and JJF – it’s their dads who are still showing up to watch Kelly, Parko and Mick. At least Taj (who’s doing a much better job this year than Kelly) has the smarts to walk out before they push him.
So why will WSL’s viewer #’s take such a hit if Kelly’s gone…as is the case now once he’s out of an event? Ever seen that data? Competitors, the audience, every sponsor, the Tour admin, you, me, etc want to see him push on. It’s not likes he’s dying to stay on tour..too many other new pursuits to conquer. You might be bored of him losing..but if he gets hot we are opening this can again.
Because it’s mainly 50 year old white men watching the first place? Because kids are in school?
And no, show me the data that proves kelly’s heats draw more than Filipe and JJF’s.
There’s been an historic spike in online viewership anytime KS hits the water, and likewise a decline in eyeballs after his heats and post heat interviews..more so than with any other surfer on tour. No question Johnny and Filipe are as exciting to watch and draw big audience #’s, but neither have developed substantial rivalries or have enough tenure to give their followers something to fear..to bite their nails over..
And does anyone care what either of those two guys has to say to Rosey after their heats?? Not to slight them, they’re both incredible surfers, they just haven’t earned the hard miles yet that manifests the knowledge and wisdom regarding competition, the waves, their equipment, the psychology, etc
haha, you think people care what any of them has to say.
Telling me there’s been an historic spike isn’t the same as actually showing me the current data. That you refer to “historic spikes” is, to me, just more proof you’re living in the past with Kelly.
Deep down, you know I’m right. It hurts you to admit it – I get that. But you’ll be a better man for it.
I’m not coming up with the data, it’s just a fact that still, today, traffic decreases online once Kelly is out of an event. The long term viewers, yes myself included, lose interest, we’re used to seeing the Greatest in the mix. Same thing when Tiger Woods was out of a tourney, etc. No slight on all the incredible new guns on tour, and also not saying it’ll be this way in the future..
But the reason KS is off the podium is only due to his personal interests and agenda changing as he chases entrepreneurial dreams now instead of points. Been there done that..none could blame him. You’re argument is that he’s over the hill, which very few would agree with.
Well, I went to Chapman and USC, where I hitched my wagon to Jack Johnson’s older brother, Pete, and rode him for all he was worth. From there, I went on to make hundreds of dollars at various surf mags. Now that i’m a lot older (and I mean a LOT older), I’m trying to stay relevant by tying in with guys half my age. If nothing else, I’m hoping that my ties will cement me with the BG crew because I really want to stay involved in the lives of pro surfers forever.
You’re right, I should spend my life jerking myself off on this site with clowns like yourself. Oh wait, I gotta go, I’m busy getting paid in all kinds of ways, still. much like I did with every surf title I touched, including the two I sold to Surfline and retired on. Happy Now? Get your facts straight, stop being a hatful cunt, and go surfing. And again, try saying positive things about Kelly and about all humans in general..your life can’t possibly be that miserable. Adios.
How is it over when your only threat at heaving Cloudbreak and Teahupoo is JJF?
Wake me when he gets by Gabs at either spot.
No, I’ll let you keep dreaming of Gabriel. You can wake yourself when you climax.
In general, I’m more a Filipe fan, but since Gabs has won several times at those spots lately, I’ll stick with him there. When did Slater or JJF last win in Tahiti or Fiji again?
Fuck, I am so upset & disappointed right now.
I just found out Jellyfish are not made of jelly, ffs.
Oh, and rio is on the WCT
So you’ve been to Rio or not? The locals will roll out the red carpet if you’re cool and respectful. Gorgeous place, nature, and especially the women, tons of surf and epic food. Newsflash: Yes there’s politics involved with surfing. The message needs to be spread worldwide. There’s other better spots in the world, and in Brasil, but sponsors like an audience. It’s called R.O.I.
Roided out inbreds?
That is funny. And I know funny!
Does the WSL do throwback jerseys? I want a Neco Padaratz one!
The WSL Speed Series will be available this summer.
Roll up roll up it’s the GreatZeldini!
Rio is hot hot hot!
Gorgeous women? I heart all women. They don’t need to be gorgeous. And men! I heart men! And non-binary sun lovers. I heart them too! Let’s fill the beaches and waves with a celebration of tanned flaccid skin!!
Your description of Rio for the WCT is circa 1980s ASP stepping out of the Tardis! The good doctor will see you now. But I’m afraid even he may not be able to help. The daleks are in charge. Spread the word, the intention is to exterminate quality surfing in quality waves because ROI is to be found through shitty waves!
There are better waves on tour. Every other wave. Rio is the worst, historically, though there have been good years there. I’ve witnessed Barra trump recent years at Snapper, which was a downgrade from Burleigh. So the tour digresses. This needs to change, improve..new venues added. Just a few..Today was mostly painful to watch. The surf around Rio can be difficult. JJF seems to like it there and give praises. Why is that?
JJF’s bf is Brazilian?
Ha..no I don’t think he digs blokes. He’s straight.
good food? fried back bean is shit and its served with everything. however the food per gram/weigh your plate thing is a game changer.
I was referring to the Churrascaria’s BRZ is famous for. Weighing your plate has been happening here in the U.S. for ages..as long as they Windex the Sneeze Guard once in a while I’m good.
mate we call it a fucken BBQ. nuthin fancy bout rubbin salt on steak.. however i did get a taste for those little chicken hearts delish.
Surely Brazil has a “best wave” to put the best surfers on?
noronha is fucking sick!
Slater is using his time away from the contest to join forces with the faux rebels in coming up with a sustainable conspiracy theory explaining in detail the reasons behind the WSL’s lack of diversity among Tour event host countries…