Rory Parker weighs in on a "fabulous" day of professional surfing!
Thank god (who doesn’t exist) that Rio starts in the middle of the night for me. Otherwise I’d’ve been forced to sit through this garbage. Chas is down in Mexico, Derek’s in Bali lounging about, and I’m stuck in boring old Kauai. So this shit falls to me.
And shit it is.
The water’s supposedly cleaner at Grumari. I don’t know about that. Is ten miles or so enough distance to sufficiently dilute the Rio effluent? I know the WSL would claim so, but they were willing to force everyone to three-to-the-beach it in pure poison. Or, at least, everyone they could.
The thing with rules, if you don’t enforce all of them then none of them mean anything. Letting Slater and Otton blow off the comp for “personal reasons,” Parko use a knee injury to malinger his way into some ‘QS barrels, that shit sets a precedent. The WSL is gonna look like a bunch of favoritism playing cocks when they decide to enforce Article 17 in the future. Rules apply to everyone, or they don’t apply to anyone.
Not that there aren’t political implications to laying the hammer down on the guys who opted out. Probably don’t want to play a game of chicken with Slater. He doesn’t have much to lose. On tour this year, or in life in general. Press the point and shit could get ugly. Maybe they’d unionize again!
Of course, now the event resembles a ‘QS six star, or whatever the hell they call them now. Garbage surf, manufactured scores, and heat sheets that read like a who’s who of who-the-fuck-is-that?
Toledo’s dick is healed, good for him. Broken dongs are hell to live with.
Leo “don’t call him the Italian Stallion” Fioravanti surfs pretty good.
A single frontside reverse is still enough to earn you a 6+ score.
If the judges can see the nose of your board then the barrel don’t count!
Great to see Kaipo Guerrero handling the mic. Finally breaking that lily white color barrier! Too bad he dropped his local twang. Pure nasal white boy milk and parsnips. Don’t forget your roots, Kaipo. You got inside Madonna, ain’t no one on Earth can tell you how to handle your shit.
Italo’s nine… shades of De Souza’s twenty eleven floater. Must’ve looked different in person. Two backside pokes before completion ain’t excellent in any context.
Mel talking about the changing of the guard, similarity between ‘QS and ‘CT was pretty damn apt. Take a look here, best heat of round one Rio.
Remind me again why they slashed the wildcards in Hawaii. It’s because the guys didn’t earn their spots, right? No fair some local hero plays spoiler when there’s a title on the line. Guess they better start shitting on the beach and shooting motherfuckers. Open a bunch of spots right up.
Lucas Silveira is a lucky lucky boy. Gifted a spot at the last moment, two identical backside ‘QS approaches won him his first heat on the big stage. Happy happy clap and flex. Wave wasn’t good enough for a web clip, but it was enough to knock ADS and Asing into the losers’ round.
Holy hell! Even with the Heat Analyzer’s ability to reduce each romp into a four minute long click fest this shit is pure tedium.
Kerr’s air was pretty sweet. But I think Pottz would agree he tried too hard. Two feet lower, frontside reverse would have earned him pretty much the same score. All that pumping passed up a bunch of lip tap opportunities. Make use of them, add a claim, that shit would have been a ten.
“Brazil’s one of those places where you kind of know what you’re gonna come and get. You’re gonna get kind of a sloppy beach break condition. There is the odd perfect day, but mostly you’re gonna come down here and have to battle through it.”
That’s right, Strider!
Yet every single fucking year, here we are.