Dana R. seen here crouched in the barrel.

Huntington politician loves Trump!

By Rory Parker

8 years ago

Ain't Huntington Beach, California the grandest place on earth?

Did ya’ catch the debate last night? Amazing stuff. Top notch political theater. I was so excited to watch that I blew off an afternoon glass off in favor of sitting in front of my laptop. Streaming PBS and taking bong hits until my mind melted.

I’m very thankful I don’t have a dog in the race this election cycle. To recap: Hawaii’s polls close six hours after the East Coast, we only have four electoral votes (out of 270), and the state is tried and true blue. My vote don’t count for shit on the national stage. I couldn’t be happier.

I get to play observer, avoid becoming truly invested. I’d have a heart attack. Better to focus on the small stage campaigns over which I have some control. Stuff that’ll actually affect my life.

Plus! I’ve taken to grabbing my unsuspecting wife by the pussy every chance I get.

“It’s presidential,” I tell her. “Total power move. You love it.”

Of course, you’d have to be a total fucking idiot to think Trump presidency would do anything but usher in the End Times. Maybe that’s the case. There seems be a lot of overlap between the can’t-wait-for-Jesus-to-come-back zealots and the Make America White Again fascists.

I know a few of you read the preceeding, understood a few words, and got all upset because you’re voting for the buffoon. Feel free to unload the racist misogynist white terror vitriol in the comments.

Just keep in mind that I don’t care what you have to say. Because I think you’re a total fucking idiot.

However, I do appreciate you expressing yourself. I’d hate to not know which way you’re swinging. I might accidentally take you seriously one day.

I searched online to see if there was a surf-oriented Trump outreach organization. I didn’t expect to find one, but you never know. Some people have no shame.

You know who turned up? Dana Rohrabacher, the surfing congressman! US Representative for California’s 48th Congressional District, an area that encompasses Seal Beach, Sunset Beach, Huntington Beach, Midway City, parts of Westminster, Fountain Valley, parts of Santa Ana, Costa Mesa, Newport Beach, Aliso Viejo, Laguna Beach, and Laguna Niguel.

Rohrabacher loves to play up the surf angle. One of us!

But really he’s just one of those old dorks who’s surfed for decades but still manages to totally suck.

You know the type. Orange County is full of them. It’s why he keeps getting re-elected.

Rohrabacher supported Prop 8 which banned gay marriage in California, doesn’t believe that global warming is real, got caught taking a bribe in 2005, voted for the war in Iraq, probably makes racist jokes when the room’s totally white, and

is a staunch supporter of Donald Trump.

Orange County Congressman Dana Rohrabacher delivered a scathing rebuke of House Speaker Paul Ryan and other Republicans backing away from Donald Trump, saying this morning that the current conflict arising from Trump’s “hot mic” statement will actually help the GOP nominee get elected.

Rohrabacher called Ryan “cowardly” for saying that he would no longer defend Trump, instead focusing his campaign work on helping Republican House candidates.

“Leaders are supposed to stand firm and solid in moments of crisis,” the Costa Mesa Republican told the Register. “Instead, he’s in a panic. It’s not good leadership. … I think the Republicans who are backing away are gutless. We don’t have to just be concerned about saving House seats. We have to be concerned about saving the United States of America.”

I don’t really no what else to say, except that I know I take shots at Orange County often. I believe I’ve called it a “hellish honky shithole.” If I haven’t, I am now.

Shit like this is why.

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Revealed: Donald Trump Endorses WSL?

By Mariano Landa

8 years ago

Come revel in the Trump Hyuga Pro 1000, Japan!

Yesterday’s second American presidential election debate took place in the very very very center of ‘Merica, just 13 hours up Interstate 44 from God’s great gift in Austin, Texas .

And it was a slugfest full of unpleasantries, rife with speculation about everything from sexual assault to how your grandma doesn’t know how to use email encryption, topped off with a smattering of wry backhanded compliments that one would have thought were copyrighted after the publication of Welcome to Paradise, Now go to Hell! (Buy here!)

The debate was toned by the release of some archival footage of Donald Trump last Friday, after which every brand of mainstream politician immediately dumped Trump for his recorded tour bus remarks about caressing lady nether parts, made in jest to the elfish nephew/cousin of a couple of former American presidents.

But locker room banter aside, you know who didn’t dump Trump? Your one and only World Surf League, who just ran the TRUMP Hyuga Pro 1000 in Japan, won by household names Shun Murakami and Tony Silvagni!

Oh, wait? What?

Donnie didn’t have nothing to do with the Trump Hyuga Pro comp? Seriously?

Trump is actually the unfortunate name of a Japanese wetsuit company that sponsors that basket of deplorables known as professional longboarders? Including one whom an upstanding member of our illustrious comments section has suggested might be the world’s ugliest surfer?

Do you think the brand is at least considering a name change like ASAP?

Or will they get sued into a rebrand, bog down in endless litigation, and lose their grip on the booming professional longboard market?

Or will they just send the Republican nominee a care package of coozies and tablet cases with their stars and stripes logo?

Has Dave Prodan had to field endless questions from Anderson Cooper about WSL endorsement of ‘Merica’s most controversial pussy-grabber?

Oh, shit, they have a logo of a kangaroo on a Harley? Nevermind, I’m sold.

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Even if the dreamy Luke Davis looked like this he could STILL be a surf champion! | Photo: Dory Beach

Accused: “Clickbait and online bullying!”

By Chas Smith

8 years ago

Oh the tyranny of Facebook!

Yesterday afternoon I was poking around and thinking about some stuff. Like why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? And why do stars fall down from the sky every time you walk by? And who is the ugliest man to ever be crowned surf champ?

I posted my musings and was undecided. John John ain’t the handsomest man ever, and especially not when stacked up against Kelly Slater (dreams-ville), Shaun Tomson (hubba hubba) or Andy Irons (mmmmmmm) but probably not the ugliest if he grabs the crown this December.

Maybe Barton Lynch?

Or Mark Richards?

Oh how our Facebook followers revolted! Leaving our little community in droves but not before screaming various insults over proud, and straight, shoulders:

Rickey Lopez: Some parts of Surfing is getting way out of control . When you have to even think about stupid shit like this you might as well get a little pilot on TV and joind the rest of the bafoons.Shame on you for even bring this kind crap into sufring. You can bet your ass that any 30 40 50 yrs surfers. Look at your post Im sorry I did. Punk reporting …..

Matthew Muñoz: What kind of man writes an article critiquing the looks of another man

Jules Revelle: A cunt (and later) Are u fucking serious ??????@beachGrit bunch of cunts

Milton Brown: Clickbait and online bullying in one – no class – just insults. MR is a legend.

When I read their postings I, initially, placed a limp wristed hand over my heart, cocked my head just so with mouth agape and breathed, “Moi? A cyberbully?” Shocked at the slings and arrows.

But then became very defiant. Head raised high! An banner of inclusivity fluttering overhead!

Facebook has become a land filled with hypocritical, self-congratulatory back patting. This is not news nor interesting. But it made me think of all the ugly people in the world and the small little boxes they get put into.

Oh not by BeachGrit. We are an open door! Everyone is invited! The fluttering banner of inclusivity!

The ugly people get put into small little boxes by the smug crusaders who want to force them underground, neither seen nor spoken of.

But they are amongst us, you smug crusaders, you priggish zealots, and they are toiling under the heavy burdens that you place upon them. Moreover, very many are succeeding wildly.

Ugly and surf champion, you see, are not mutually exclusive categories. A man can be both. And concurrently in the same way that a man can be ugly and President of United States of America. The great Abe Lincoln spoke often of his homeliness, admitting to being “…the ugliest man in Illinois.”

Or ugly and a wildly successful comedian. The great Rodney Dangerfield said, “My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I told him I wanted a second opinion so he said, ‘Ok. You’re ugly too.'”

Or ugly and a fabulous musician. The great Johnny Rotten of The Sex Pistols fame proclaimed, “You’re made to feel ugly, and I made ugly beautiful. Just by sheer persistence.”

Yes, a man can be ugly and a surf champion! And this gives me great hope. This is the world where I am proud to live.

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WSL: Grab them by the___________!

By Chas Smith

8 years ago

Does anyone have more fun than our favorite commentary team? I think no!

……Funny bone! What did you think I was going to write?

And have you ever seen a picture of three boys having more fun. Here we have, from left to right, Martin “Pottz” Potter, Ross Williams and Ronn “Dog” Blakey. The man taking the picture, I’ve been told, is Pete “The Condom” Mel but I can’t find it anywhere on his social media feeds. No matter though let’s just assume it is.

Your World Surf League commentary team (minus Rosy, Joe and Raspberry)!

And it is wonderful!

I have no idea what these guys are kidding about but this unmitigated joy puts a smile right on my face. Doesn’t it yours? If you say, “No.” Then you are an unredeemable crusty old bastard. You are incapable of feeling and should think long and hard about taking a spiritual retreat.

Pure joy!

And I love them for it. Oh sure sure sure I wish they would bring this playfulness into the booth. This very funny dance but, for now, to know that this is what goes on once Samsung clicks “off” on the webcast is enough.

They are not mere contest robots mumbling about “little jams off the top” and “needing the score.” They are great buddies quaffing the liquid gold of perpetual youth.

Pure pure joy.

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Come and see what Hawaiian Shane Dorian sees!

Wow: 5 Deadly Waves You Can Surf!

By Derek Rielly

8 years ago

Like, without dying!

Almost twelve years ago, my then business partner and I walked into a Yamaha dealer with the idea of leasing a jetski. Tow-in surfing was all the rage back then, in small and in big waves. We’d started a surfing magazine and figured we could write off the leasing costs as a business expense.

A lucrative deal with the surfing company Billabong, then worth half a billion dollars, meant we had two hundred and fifty thousand dollars in the bank.

We figured, why not live a little?

A man in potato sack trousers and a spinnaker shirt that billowed in the autumn offshore breeze pulled out a sheaf of documents we’d have to sign to get our bike. All that work for a twenty-grand buy? Studs don’t do no paperwork.

I pulled out the company credit card and within thirty minutes we’d affixed the trailer to my old four-wheel-drive and were heading to the beach.

We used that ski everywhere. When it was one-foot, when it was ten-foot, we banged it into rocks, my partner once rode it up onto a boat ramp prematurely beaching it on top of a giant boulder, we tipped it over, ran over people, ran over ourselves. Hell of a good time.

And what it showed, at least to someone like me who isn’t the most courageous surfer in the world, unlike my pal who’d eat a 10-foot day at Cape Solander before breakfast, was that deadly waves can be surfed. That you even a borderline kook can survive and maybe even get a photo for perpetuity.

Two caveats here. You gotta be able to swim. And you gotta have access to a ski.

But no more ado. Here are five deadly waves you can surf.

1. Ours aka Cape Solander, Australia: If you can stand upright on your board for a minimum of four seconds, you can survive a session at Ours. As you know and have seen, it’s a dramatic rock shelf and therefore wipeouts can be unpretty if you fall early. But… but… with a sturdy stance you can survive the few seconds before the arrive at the radically deep channel, where not a damn thing can touch you.

2. Teahupoo, Tahiti: An old pal of mine works for Red Bull. Went on holiday to Tahiti with his family one year. Because he’s high on the hierarchal ladder at the company, people want to do nice things for him. Local Tahitian stud says he’ll tow him at six-to-eight-foot Teahupoo, something you wouldn’t wanna touch usually. This pal, more a snow guy than a waterman, was impeccably whipped into a dozen stand-up tubes, his hair untouched by the Pacific.

3. Belharra, France: Do you remember when the board paddler turned big-waver Jamie Mitchell paddled into a fifty-foot wave here, and fell from the heavens? What a ruthless wave this wave, a couple of clicks from Saint-Jean-de-Luz in France’s south-west corner can be. Ruthless to paddle. Amusing to tow. You want a photo for the wall of you on a thirty-foot wave? Get a whip here. Get your photo, steer for the channel.

4. Pico Alto, Peru: A very old school burger perfect for studs on 10-foot afro-fauna chasers. Tow equipped? Easiest wave in the world.

5. Nazaré, Portugal: What the hell. Why not go big? This’ll take you to the edge, but maybe not over it. You’ve seen the big-wave tow-kooks from the most unlikely countries bouncing down three-hundred-foot waves. It could be you!

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Eat beach grit spam!