Recap: “The Humbling at Hossegor!”

No one's gonna say, "That Kieren Perrow's a real fucking kook."

Poor Kieren Perrow.

I often wonder how much control he has over the call to run.

Is he really the boss? Pouring over charts and agonizing. Or is he just the face of a decision someone else made?

Kieren’s an excellent choice for the latter. He’s a world class surfer, everyone likes him. Respects him. No one’s gonna say, “That Kieren Perrow’s a real fucking kook.”

But, man… did you see the pair of waves Double J-Eff and Conner Coffin snagged during the Dawn Patrol show? Whoooooo- ee! Pair of gems. Conner’s especially. No doubt ten during a heat. I immediately clicked over to fantasy surfer and popped him on my team. Sorry, Julian, you’ve gotta go. I know I’ve said I’ll suck your dick for magical powers, but that’s business. Fantasy Surfer is personal.

We saw the aforementioned two on back-to-back smokers, then the Commish came on and said he was waiting for later.

Only two heats ran yesterday, and they weren’t exactly great.

I hear it frequently, “(X-spot) is just like Hawaii.” French beach break is like Backdoor? I find that hard to believe. Backdoor is outright fucking terrifying. I can’t wrap my head around the notion that sand bottom can come anywhere close.

But I could be wrong. Never been to France. Too expensive. I don’t speak French beyond, “Je suis Rory!”

Heat one was large and lumpy and whomping, for sure. Banting, Young and Parko had their work cut out for them. Shifting peaks, soupy faces, none of the offshore groomed throaters we’re all hoping for.

John John would’ve definitely got pitted though.

Nat Young first wave was the best of the heat. Fairly deep backside pit to backhand whack off the top, to nothing cutty on the end. 7.17, fairly certain that’d be enough to hand him the heat in difficult conditions. I mean, you never really know, Parko could’ve snagged a gem for a tenner. Unlikely though.

And, in fact, the aged Aussie stroked into a likely looking beaut that shifted into a hideous closeout brute. If it’d hit a deep spot and backed off a tad he’d’ve taken the heat. Instead he entertained with a heroic closeout pull-in.

On days like this I’m in awe of the ski guys. Paddling out looks like a lot of work. The thought of threading a thousand pound hunk of machinery through big heaving closeouts puckers my asshole. Terrifying.

Parko and Banting were at a loss. Struggling to find waves. Failing to put together scores. Young’s quick in and out on a left was enough to hammer nails in their coffins, send ’em both to the loser round. But he’d have won without it. His first wave score eclipsed each of the other pair’s combined total.

The second, and last, heat of the day was Igarashi, Asing, and the world’s favorite ducky eyed Syrian legend. On a day like this you’d expect Mr Slater to easily hand the skinny grom and tiny Hawaiian their asses.

But ’twas not to be.

Igarashi had nothing to offer. The boy picked poorly. Worthless closeouts, no points for him. Final heat total of 1.5. Pretty much the lowest you can get while still catching two waves. Which means Igarashi is on his way to another early round loss.

But Slater didn’t do much better. 7.0 heat total. Came kinda close on a left barrel, but close don’t count. Earned a 5.27 for a tippy-toe late drop to scary section backside bash. Fell on the follow up floater. Score seemed kind of high for a single turn. But I’m fairly certain it was one of those things where the camera didn’t do justice to the gnar factor.

Asing came out on top! Not by killing it, but by being smart. Playing for points. Couple of ‘meh’ turns for a 3.17 for his first scoring wave. A slightly mellower version of Slater’s backside bash for a 4.83. Combined total of 8.0 put him through to round three.

And that’s all she wrote for Day One. Hopefully it’ll drop a tad, clean up a bit, and tomorrow will be magic.