Do you think Kelly Slater is raging inside? | Photo: Morgan Maasssan

Quik Pro: Parko, Slater “get pounded!”

The WSL writes beautiful homoerotic poetry! Let's read!

Rape on the Atlantic! Bloodshed in the Basque! Liberte, egalite, le sexe anal! Of all the monikers I can come up to describe day one of the Quiksilver Pro, the World Surf League’s wins. They called it:

Hossegor Humbling: Parko and Slater Take Poundings at Quik Pro.

The Humbling at Hossegor?

Brilliant! Muhammed Ali approved!

And did you catch the hour of surfing that happened today? It featured two, and only two, heats but also the decapitation of two, the only two, stars. Joel Parkinson fell to Nat Young in heat one with a 6.47 total. Kelly Slater fell to Keanu Asing in heat two with a not much better 7.00. And then the day was called.

Why?

Oh the surf was a roiling mess! A glorious disaster! Big! Bubbly! Wild! Voluptuous! Full throated! Deep throated! Etc.!

But why run at all?

The World Surf League reports thusly:

Kelly Slater and Joel Parkinson each suffered Round One setbacks at the Quiksilver Pro Tuesday, where conditions got heavy in a hurry. Officials spent the early morning pondering the decision to run or not at the plage des Culs Nus in Hossegor. With the surf thumping in the six-to-eight foot range, they put the event on hold to determine whether or not there were enough opportunities to run heats.

During the delay John John Florence, Conner Coffin, and Italo Ferreira stroked into some oversized barrels, and came out standing tall, luring Commissioner Kieren Perrow to get the action started.

But a combination of a building swell and an outgoing tide quickly changed the lineup during the opening two heats. The boys did their best braving the thumping closeouts, but it was more death than glory. Even Kelly Slater, the 11-time-world champion, got stuck just trying to make it out. He needed a ski to come retrieve him after being caught inside before his heat even started. And sadly, it went downhill from there for Kelly.

And let’s parse the brief press release, shall we? Does it quite basically say Kelly and Joel surfed very poorly because they were unable to handle bigger conditions. John John, Conner and Italo surfed very well in those same bigger conditions. Kelly embarrassed himself.

Is that a fair summation?

A little rude don’t you think?

The forecast, moving forward, is tough to gauge. Do you think Kieren Perrow will come out the winner when all is said and done or do you think he’ll be sharing plates of steaming hate with the judges?

Click here to watch recap!

Also, does anyone do homoerotic poetry like the WSL? Between Slater and Parko getting pounded and John John, Conner and Italo stroking some nice ones I think we can safely give them this year’s coveted Chubbie (named after the famed English poet Ralph Chubb).

screen-shot-2016-10-04-at-11-48-25-am

Podcast: “Everything is Always Terrible!”

Let's talk about the hyper-sexuality of men's surfing (and more) with Anastasia Ashley… 

Episode Five of Everything is Always Terrible features none other than the superb Ms Anastasia Ashley. 

Semi-professional surfer, successful model, social media superstar; Ms Ashley is a fascinating woman.  Despite a public persona that tends toward the happy-go-lucky-beach-babe, it is immediately apparent that she is anything but.

I would never trade lives with Anastasia Ashley. Success is honorable, and nothing good comes easy. But at a certain point I feel the price becomes too high.

Anastasia is a driven woman. Totally focused on her success and career, to the exclusion of almost everything else. I would never trade lives with Anastasia Ashley. Success is honorable, and nothing good comes easy. But at a certain point I feel the price becomes too high.

I went in to this expecting to speak with an intelligent woman. I was not expecting to speak with a woman in possession of a single minded drive toward her goals. Anastasia sells her persona well.

Over the course of an hour we touched on surfing big waves, her near total lack of a private life, stalkers, sexy sexy John John Florence, butt callouses, sexuality in women’s surfing, and the high high high price of fame.

I think this is my best podcast so far.  I hope you all agree.


Glorious: A heckler carries the day!

If David Johnston can do it so can we!

We’re all hecklers you and me. We sit on the sidelines and snipe. We laugh. We criticize and poke and advise and opine. We dig and dig and dig and dig. We know it all and better than anyone else.

But do we really?

Do we really?

If Mick Fanning, say, pulled me out of the crowd while I was there giggling and said, “You think I surf robotic? Like a microchip bogan? Well surf this wave better.” And blocked for me a perfect Snapper right do you think I would smash it an embarrass him or would I limp along and embarrass myself?

Wrong! Unless you said I would limp along and embarrass myself. We, you and me, are but clanging gongs. Noble assholes.

But!

There was a heckler this weekend that did us all proud. That gave us hope. Let’s read about him!

Tired of being heckled by a Ryder Cup spectator, golf pro Henrik Stenson went into the crowd and pulled out the offender, a man from North Dakota named David Johnson.

The Ryder Cup pits a team of U.S. golfers against their European counterparts, and the fans can get rowdy in their support.

Johnson had been razzing Stenson and his teammates after they had trouble Thursday with a 12-foot putt. Johnson hollered at Stenson, an Olympic silver medalist and British Open champion, “Silver medal is what we call first loser!”

The comment that sent the European squad over the edge was when Johnson yelled, “You can’t make this putt” at Justin Rose, Stenson’s teammate.

The pros challenged the loudmouthed American to make the putt himself, with Rose even throwing a $100 bill on the ground to sweeten the pot.

Dressed in jeans, a baggy red fleece, loafers and a baseball cap, Johnson kept yapping, joking about how small the putter was. Amid chants of “USA! USA!” Johnson calmly stroked the putt in, and the crowd went nuts.

All in good fun, Johnson hugged and high-fived Stenson, Rose, Martin Kaymer and Rory McIlroy.

Johnson later told the St. Paul Pioneer Press, “I closed my eyes, swallowed my puke and hit the putt and it happened to go in, so that was cool.”

Stenson joked with the paper that, “Now he can tell the whole world that the European team are the ones that have the most fun.”

Have you ever read a more beautiful story in all of sports? I haven’t and take it all back. If Mick blocked for me a perfect Snapper right I would get barreled and then aired and then barreled and then swallowed puke and then end on an eye-popping gouge.

And why?

Because hecklers are the life blood of sport!


Rumor: Fanning coaching Gilmore?

Coaching is a noble profession and should never be taken lightly.

I don’t need to tell you how precious our BeachGrit comment section is because you make it so. It positively sizzles, sometimes with fun jokes, sometimes with appropriate and accurate tongue-lashings (for mostly me), sometimes with undiscovered rumor.

Oh I love this third sometimes!

In a cut n paste journalism story posted yesterday about The United States’ Department of Defense and its designs for Trestles there appeared a nugget from GBP:

Chaz, possible hot scoop on Fanning and an opportunity to get one up on Stab.

Go listen to the most recent Ain’t That Swell at 1:02:45

I could not log on/in fast enough. What might GBP have heard? What could be hiding in the proverbial bed sheets?

Racing the curser along, I stopped at the 1:00:00 mark.

Trembling.

The Australian voices of Jed Smith, Ozzie Wright and Vaughn Blakey soothed even though my American ears could not tell them apart. They were talking about the exciting finish to the Women’s Pro Tour at Trestles and how Tyler Wright (Australian but no relation to Ozzie) was going to win it all and good good bravo but then the focus switched to Steph Gilmore.

She’s so young still, you just forget that with Steph. And uhhhhhhhhhh I hear Mick’s been in her corner too (the room absolutely erupts in a chorus of giggle) uhhhhhh might explain her return to form but yeah…

I listened to it twice, three times, trying to discern what the giggling was about. Bending my American will toward some understanding of Australasian culture and came up short.

At the end, I simply feel it is necessary to admonish Jed, Ozzie and Vaughn for their chuckles. Coaching is a noble profession.

A sacred calling.

A most special purpose.


Watch: Slater talks Jiujitsu/drug movie!

A captivating 15-minute interview with Kelly Slater on his martial arts game… 

Have you reached the tipping point of too-much-Kelly Slater? Has our inspection of his activities (recent stories: four posts on Kelly’s art show, one post on his social media activities, another on his surfboard company FireWire) made you think a crowbar might be needed to prise us off him?

This interview, however, is too good to ignore. Recorded immediately following Slater’s win at the Teahupoo Pro, it concentrates, entirely, on his jiujitsu game, although Slater’s digressions include talk of his optioning the Peter Maguire book on seventies drug-trafficking Thai Stick and the benefits of food combining.

Both interviewer and interviewee are seated, and it’s in this position that we watch as Slater’s triceps stand out like brown snakes, ready to strike. Readers of a rainbow stripe might feel compelled to knead the smooth brown skin.

Watch here!