I've got a new job!
Oh I’ve never been more thrilled at the possibility of a new job. Never! EVER! EVER! I am so thrilled that is is even hard for me to breathe right now. I’ve got a paper bag in my hand and I am STILL hyper-ventilating. Whhhooooo… Whhheeeee… Whhhhooooo… Whhhhheeeee…
Ok. Are you ready? Promise me you won’t slot your application in first? Promise you’ll just be happy for me and not get all hatey? Promise?
Ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok………….
The World Surf League is hiring…
Whhhhooooo.
Whhheeeeee.
For.
Whhhhoooooo.
MY!
DREAM!
CAREER!
WHHHHHHOOOOOOO! WHHHHHEEEEEEE!
The executive assistant to the CEO.
Paul Speaker! PAUL MOTHERFUCKING SPEAKER!
Do you want to see my job description?
I can manage your needs, Paul Speaker baby. I can support you full time. I’m tech savvy and am totally avails on weekends. I can manage off-site meetings. I… I… I… can make your heavy travel itinerary seem like a fun li’l dance. And if you’re ever tired after a long day of….. ummmm… dealing with Samsung or whatever I can give you a neck rub. Just rubbing your neck with my hands and some WSL branded coconut oil (let’s totally brand some coconut oil!) and relaxing you…..
I AM YOUR MAN!
Just like you are mine.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
whhooooo…
whhheeeee…
xoxoxoxo
BITCHGRIT AGAIN?
Chas. Can I be assistant to the assistant?
I cant tell if this is real or not.
Then I suggest that you read it a second time 🙂 Then the satirical tone will appear more obvious, because indeed, we never know with Chas
Bachelors degree? …In what? Women studies? The fuck do you need a degree for to be a secretary?
Mathematics & Statistics (BSc)
In all seriousness, where is this guy traveling to so much? Managing the 5 sponsors they have?
Following PS in every boat trips he does?
First up on your agenda, a new KS wave pool event in Mosul. Then push for a roving contest on Socotra.
Is this a recently created position or a vacated one?
Could say a lot for their financial viability.
More money available for PS since they lightened labour cost on commentary team.
Haha Giggs is the shittest cunt ever. I often wonder what part of the market he is meant to appeal to.
Yeah, Nah…I like Gigs – must be the old cunt market. He can string a few words seamlessly, and he’s continually surprising Ross with his novel turns of phrase. Caught him using the third person future tense today, a la Turpel, though…
I love how the assistant to the CEO basically does their job for them. Will free up Mr Speaker so he can count all those website viewers
on his fingers
He can get to 20 with a new assistant.
40 with the toes
The dick Cheney of jobs.
Deep Thoughts by Chas
“Act as a gatekeeper to the CEO’s office and maintain confidentiality as a first priority”.
Chas Thought: I am the fox, and the henhouse awaits.
“Detail-oriented, organized and exceptional planning skills”
Chas Thought: My writing speaks for itself, fucking over-qualified on this one. Time to recycle good ASP ideas from ages long passed.
“Ability to manage calmly and effectively in high stress situations including emergency travel requests”
Chas Thought: I’m gonna need to buy more paper bags, maybe camouflaged if available. Hell, I could camouflage them myself. I mean, I’m crafty as fuck.
“Passion for and basic knowledge about professional surfing a plus”
Chas Thought: That’s what it says on my new T-shirt
That’d be an epic t-shirt. come on you guys, make a t-shirt with that shit written on it. Do it! It can be Chas’s going away present.
Standard T-shirt for the judges to wear.
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
For that t-shirt ‘take my money!’
Doesn’t appear to require a criminal history background check. Win!
Chas,
Fuck me get yourself updated on all the rose varieties for the limo and pillows.
My personal favourite the rainbow rose!!
Yeah, good for you, Chas…
More importantly, I need some advice on what to do. See, I just got done surfing and on my last wave I did a cutback into the whitewater then pumped into a slob air-reverse finish… I’m wondering, should I quit my job and pursue a free surf career, taking over for the beloved sealtooth? Or should I pull a Freddy P and officially retire from surfing? I’m confused now and any help would much be appreciated.
Thanks,
KVF
I don’t see the pertinent information for the position. Like are you top or bottom, catcher or pitcher per diem pharmaceutical budget to deal with turple following you… Everywhere.
Sounds great, Chas.
“Be available at all hours including weekends to assist the CEO, usually with last minute travel requests”
All you’ll need to do is give up alcohol and get that Samsung Galaxy phone surfboard.
You lucky, lucky sonofabitch. Best wishes, xoxo.
Your Pal,
AIP