Oh I’ve never been more thrilled at the
possibility of a new job. Never! EVER! EVER! I am so thrilled that
is is even hard for me to breathe right now. I’ve got a paper bag
in my hand and I am STILL hyper-ventilating. Whhhooooo… Whhheeeee…
Whhhhooooo… Whhhhheeeee…
Ok. Are you ready? Promise me you won’t slot your application in
first? Promise you’ll just be happy for me and not get all hatey?
Promise?
Ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok………….
The World Surf League is hiring…
Whhhhooooo.
Whhheeeeee.
For.
Whhhhoooooo.
MY!
DREAM!
CAREER!
WHHHHHHOOOOOOO! WHHHHHEEEEEEE!
The executive assistant to the CEO.
Paul Speaker! PAUL MOTHERFUCKING SPEAKER!
Do you want to see my job description?
I can manage your needs,
Paul Speaker baby. I can support you full time. I’m tech savvy and
am totally avails on weekends. I can manage off-site meetings. I…
I… I… can make your heavy travel itinerary seem like a fun li’l
dance. And if you’re ever tired after a long day of….. ummmm…
dealing with Samsung or whatever I can give you a neck rub. Just
rubbing your neck with my hands and some WSL branded coconut oil
(let’s totally brand some coconut oil!) and relaxing you…..
I AM YOUR MAN!
Just like you are mine.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
whhooooo…
whhheeeee…
xoxoxoxo
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John John surfs with an impressive, leisurely dignity
while dismembering everything around him. | Photo: WSL
The noted Rory Parker's fantasy surfer picks for
the Rip Curl Pro, Portugal.
Holy shit, Portugal’s almost here. You could
say it snuck up on me and grabbed my pussy. Shocking. But
thrilling. Maybe I’m into this shit. Got a new kink.
Twelve hours before the comp starts and I’m scratching to get my
terrible fantasy surfer team together. No clue what I’m doing.
Business as usual. I should be on it, went on Lipped, the fantasy
surfing podcast, last Friday. They do them before
events, should’ve clued me in. But it didn’t. Fits in with my
generally oblivious nature. You should listen. I killed it.
My mad dash means my picks may be even worse than usual this
event. If that’s possible. My coffee maker broke this morning
because I’m a tightwad and bought the cheapest one Walmart had on
the shelf. I need my morning java to get my brain going. Tried
boiling some up on the stovetop. It’s terrible. But I’m choking it
down nonetheless because I’m addicted to caffeine.
Tier A:
John John Florence: Double John’s on his way to
the title. He’s dialed in the time and place for various
approaches- Surf’s safe and makes heats, goes hard and pushes
limits when he needs to.
Gabriel Medina: Gabi wants another title
soooooo bad. He’ll do whatever it takes to win. I, honestly, won’t
be surprised if Charlie goes full Tonya Harding on John John.
Regardless, he always finds scores, makes heats. Solid, smart
pick that you just can’t ignore. You can gamble on a shocker,
choose someone other than him and JJ, but that’s a recipe for lost
points.
Tier B:
Italian Ferrari:Italo’s always a solid workhorse
pick. He’s had a few shit results this year, but I
believe in him. He’ll make round five, at least, add some points to
my total.
Ace Buchan: If the surf sucks he’ll be out in
round three. If Peniche delivers some solid tubes, and it could,
he’s a top notch choice. Ace is a tube hound non-pariel.
Adriano de Souza: Post-title slump aside, ADS
is always an intelligent addition. If the surf doesn’t cooperate
he’ll be a nightmare draw. If it turns on he’ll still surf safe and
smart and make heats.
Joel Parkinson: I really really really wanted
to pick Keanu. I did! But I just don’t think he’ll be able to
repeat France. It’s a dick thing to say, and I desperately hope I’m
wrong, but he wouldn’t be the first guy to find one huge result and
never back it up again. Parko gets the nod for no real reason at
all, other than the fact that he’s demonstrated an ability to find
consistent results over the course of his fifteen, or so, year long
career.
Tier C:
Kai Otton: A solid quarter-final result at
France gives me hope for Kai. He’s hanging around below the cutoff,
this will probably be his last year on tour, and I’m hoping that’s
a recipe for a big ol’ successful cup of I-don’t-give-a-fuck
confidence.
Jeremy Flores: I’m an idiot who can’t learn a
lesson. Flores either does very well, or very poorly. I’m hoping
for the former. Expecting the latter. Maybe I’ll get lucky and make
up some points from my abysmal early season string of failures.
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Keala Kennelly and the fruit of her fifty-one stitch
Teahupoo face plant. | Photo: Tim Bonython
You'll need: opiates, self-loathing, suicidal
thoughts and the alienation of your family…
It’s been a rough year. I destroyed
my shoulder bodysurfing Pipe last December, got it rebuilt using a
dead man’s ligaments and assorted screws. Fought through physical
therapy long enough to break my collar bone spearfishing. Sat out
two months of life waiting for it to heal and then copped a bone
infection that put me put for two more. I’ve got this recovery
thing down.
Here’s what you need to survive a surf injury.
Drugs
Opiates, weed, and booze are your friends. Pop a few Percocet,
hit the bong and drown your sorrows. You won’t heal any faster, but
life will pass in a blissful stupor. One day you’ll wake up hung
over and dope sick because your asshole doctor cut you off from the
gravy train and you don’t know any teenagers to score dope from,
but that’s a worry for tomorrow. Today you’re riding high in the
sky rambling on to your wife about the ASP judging criteria and how
they’re obviously inflating scores to create more tension during
heats.
Spend hours in front of a mirror, watch your waistline expand
and your upper body shrivel. Gaze in awe as your cock shrinks
in increments, as your shorts cut deeper and deeper into that
sagging pile of shit your call a stomach. You disgusting pile of
shit, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Self loathing
This one dovetails nicely with the preceding. Spend hours in
front of a mirror, watch your waistline expand and your upper body
shrivel. Gaze in awe as your cock shrinks in increments, as
your shorts cut deeper and deeper into that sagging pile of shit
your call a stomach. You disgusting pile of shit, you should be
ashamed of yourself.
Contemplate suicide
Don’t do it. Offing yourself is for fucking losers and
pussies. But think about how you’d do it, should you ever turn into
such a sad sack piece of shit that you can’t think of any better
option than flipping the off switch and joining the void. Would you
don black face and drive around running stop signs in LA? Swallow
the balance of that bottle of benzos and chase it with half a
bottle of gin? Go old school and kick out a chair while wearing an
extension cord necktie? So many choices, but how to choose?
Alienate your loved ones
Fuck ’em anyway. What do they know about what you’re going
through. You’re the only person who’s ever suffered this much in
the history of humanity. Your wife’s a selfish bitch. Who cares
what she cooks for dinner? Why can’t she just leave you the fuck
alone. Throw a chair at her, call her fat, tell her she’s the
biggest mistake you ever made. If you’ve gotta feel this bad, make
everyone around you share the pain.
Do sit-ups
Nah, fuck that. Play video games. Go online and write racist
messages on youtube. Wallow in your own despair until it fills your
gut and spills out every orifice you have. Call an old lady a
faggot. Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Has there ever been a signature model surfboard
that truly succeeded?
A surfboard blind taste test is an interesting
notion. Great for hype. Whichever marketing head came up
with it deserves a raise.
I wasn’t able to actually sit through the entire 36-ish minutes
of board reviews. But that doesn’t really matter. It’s got people
talking. About brands and boards and sealing wax. Why the sea is
boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings.
Slightly astounding that it works so well. We all know that
dialing in your boards is a fairly personalized affair. Everyone is
built differently, surfs differently, approaches a wave
differently. Watching an amazingly talented surfer go full blind
fold while picking through a quiver is entertaining, to some. Not
to me, but the internet disagrees and I can accept that just
because I didn’t really enjoy something doesn’t mean it’s bad. Not
always. Sometimes I’m just not into it, or I’m distracted. And I am
very distracted at the moment. Can’t tear my eyes away from
the presidential candidate hell-bent on destroying
trust in our political process.
Not that you should trust it. Not if you’re a voter.
But the people who take part are supposed to play along. At the
very least they aren’t supposed to rattle sabers and threaten to
jail journalists. That’s pretty scary. Really strikes at the heart
of my freedom-of-speech-makes-us-better-than-you American
indoctrination.
Has there ever been a signature model surfboard that truly
succeeded?
Slater signed Surftechs were gross. Ugly boards, maybe they
worked. I don’t know. Never rode one. Not many people did. Yeah, it
had Kelly’s name on it, but he’ll slap that shit on
anything.
NHS toyed with the idea, started Santa Cruz Surfboards, slapped
Ozzie Wright and Archie’s name on a line of pop-outs. Don’t know
how well that did. Didn’t see many of them in the lineup. A quick
jaunt to their website shows they’ve gone missing. Only Ratboy models left. Maybe state of the
art more than a decade ago, boggles the mind they think that name
still sells. Maybe it does in NorCal. I don’t know. Weird shit goes
on in the top half of the Golden State. Weird surf pseudo-gang
rivalries and meth psychosis.
I’m not the target audience, I know that. Already know, more or
less, what works for me. Only ever bought a single board straight
off the rack. It was a 5’8 Xanadu, xerox of the Fireball Fish, back
when those were so damn hot. It went very well. I rode it into the
dust. Delamned deck and cracked fin boxes. Lost it into the 54th
street jetty on a small day, finally put it in its grave.
I know I’ll never surf like Dane. I know he surfs well enough to
make even the worst board look good. I know that when a high level
ripper is backing off his turns, that means the board’s a bar of
soap I can barely hope to stand on.
But that was pre-growth spurt. Before I gained height and weight
and realized that I’ve never be a hyper-flexible grommet ever
again. Before I learned to distrust anything that smacks of
marketing propaganda. Before I had my heart broken when the fins
for my nifty new OAM system didn’t fit in the boxes. So much
sanding. So much sanding!
I know I’ll never surf like Dane. I know he surfs well enough to
make even the worst board look good. I know that when a high level
ripper is backing off his turns, that means the board’s a bar of
soap I can barely hope to stand on.
I’ve seen oodle of doodles paddle out on Hyptos and Tomos and
Dumpster Diver derivatives. Hardly ever seen someone surf well on
’em. I’ve learned firsthand why you need foam on big days. Yeah,
Craig Anderson can scratch over the ledge on a 5’4″, John John’s
second reef slayer is a 6’4″. But that thinking will get us normal
humans slaughtered. The ability gap between good surfer and pro
surfer is just too damn great.
There’s something to be said for instant gratification. No need
to call in and hear, “Oh, yeah, just putting on the finishing
touches. It’ll be done next week.”
You said that two weeks ago.
But few people get into shaping because they feel like putting
in ten-hour days. Most shapers inhabit a weird spectrum somewhere
between crazy artist and mad inventor.
Yet all good things do come to those who wait. And there’s real
value in having someone who will tell you, “There’s no way you can
ride that,” rather than a minimum wage shop rat regurgitating media
material.
“Oh, totally, dude. Best all around board on the market. Works
from two feet to ten. Want to throw in a new travel bag and board
sock? How about a couple sets of fins? I don’t make commission, but
my boss’ll be on my ass if I don’t up-sell the shit out of
you.”
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You too can turn like this after a few quick tips! |
Photo: Morgan Maasssen
Dane Reynolds has a new favorite shaper and
his name is Jon Pyzel. And oh what a wonderful man he is! And do
you want to surf like Dane? Of course you do! I spoke with Mr.
Pyzel so many years ago about various problems and how to solve via
the board. My questions were dumb. Mr. Pyzel was warm and friendly.
I can see why Dane cheated on his long time love Channel
Islands.
Board hums: Back end of fins has resin buildup.
Take some sandpaper and carefully polish.
Bogs rail during cutback: Surf more. It is not
the board’s fault.
Dies during flat spots: More volume, less
rocker. Also, go on a surf trip to a place without flat spots in
the waves.
Too loose: Change the fins. Try a bigger set
and you might also have too much rocker.
Too stiff: More rocker and smaller fins.
Backside vs. frontside problems: You know, I
don’t think there is a difference as far as the board goes. People
usually push harder backside and so the board, sometimes can feel a
little stiff, or a little buggy off the lip but it’s just he way it
is.
WHAT TO TELL YOUR SHAPER:
Type of waves: Important
Front foot vs. Backfoot: No such thing. All
surfers, during different sections on the wave, are heavy on the
front foot and heavy on the back foot. When you are driving down
the line, trying to build speed, you are on your front foot. When
you are going to hit the lip you are on the back foot…
Height and weight: It is really important to be
honest about your weight. Surfers will tell me, “I weigh 200 lbs
now but I usually weigh 180 or I want to weigh 165 or whatever…” I
shape them a board for how much they weigh at the moment.
Cold water vs. warm water: If I know the guy is
going to always be surfing in cold water while wearing a wetsuit
then I add a few pounds to his weight and shape the board that way.
Warm water/trunks is way better (laughs). Everyone surfs their best
in a pair of trunks.
Yes, Mr. Pyzel is warm and friendly and I think handsome too
but don’t worry Matt Biolos! I won’t cheat on you! I wear your name
with pride every day and will never ever ever stray.
