Has there ever been a signature model surfboard that truly succeeded?

A surfboard blind taste test is an interesting notion. Great for hype. Whichever marketing head came up with it deserves a raise.

I wasn’t able to actually sit through the entire 36-ish minutes of board reviews. But that doesn’t really matter. It’s got people talking. About brands and boards and sealing wax. Why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings.

Slightly astounding that it works so well. We all know that dialing in your boards is a fairly personalized affair. Everyone is built differently, surfs differently, approaches a wave differently. Watching an amazingly talented surfer go full blind fold while picking through a quiver is entertaining, to some. Not to me, but the internet disagrees and I can accept that just because I didn’t really enjoy something doesn’t mean it’s bad. Not always. Sometimes I’m just not into it, or I’m distracted. And I am very distracted at the moment. Can’t tear my eyes away from the presidential candidate hell-bent on destroying trust in our political process.

Not that you should trust it. Not if you’re a voter. But the people who take part are supposed to play along. At the very least they aren’t supposed to rattle sabers and threaten to jail journalists. That’s pretty scary. Really strikes at the heart of my freedom-of-speech-makes-us-better-than-you American indoctrination.

Has there ever been a signature model surfboard that truly succeeded?

(Oh yes! – Editor.)

Slater signed Surftechs were gross. Ugly boards, maybe they worked. I don’t know. Never rode one. Not many people did. Yeah, it had Kelly’s name on it, but he’ll slap that shit on anything.

NHS toyed with the idea, started Santa Cruz Surfboards, slapped Ozzie Wright and Archie’s name on a line of pop-outs. Don’t know how well that did. Didn’t see many of them in the lineup. A quick jaunt to their website shows they’ve gone missing. Only Ratboy models left. Maybe state of the art more than a decade ago, boggles the mind they think that name still sells. Maybe it does in NorCal. I don’t know. Weird shit goes on in the top half of the Golden State. Weird surf pseudo-gang rivalries and meth psychosis.

I’m not the target audience, I know that. Already know, more or less, what works for me. Only ever bought a single board straight off the rack. It was a 5’8 Xanadu, xerox of the Fireball Fish, back when those were so damn hot. It went very well. I rode it into the dust. Delamned deck and cracked fin boxes. Lost it into the 54th street jetty on a small day, finally put it in its grave.

I know I’ll never surf like Dane. I know he surfs well enough to make even the worst board look good. I know that when a high level ripper is backing off his turns, that means the board’s a bar of soap I can barely hope to stand on.

But that was pre-growth spurt. Before I gained height and weight and realized that I’ve never be a hyper-flexible grommet ever again. Before I learned to distrust anything that smacks of marketing propaganda. Before I had my heart broken when the fins for my nifty new OAM system didn’t fit in the boxes. So much sanding. So much sanding!

I know I’ll never surf like Dane. I know he surfs well enough to make even the worst board look good. I know that when a high level ripper is backing off his turns, that means the board’s a bar of soap I can barely hope to stand on.

I’ve seen oodle of doodles paddle out on Hyptos and Tomos and Dumpster Diver derivatives. Hardly ever seen someone surf well on ’em. I’ve learned firsthand why you need foam on big days. Yeah, Craig Anderson can scratch over the ledge on a 5’4″, John John’s second reef slayer is a 6’4″. But that thinking will get us normal humans slaughtered. The ability gap between good surfer and pro surfer is just too damn great.

There’s something to be said for instant gratification. No need to call in and hear, “Oh, yeah, just putting on the finishing touches. It’ll be done next week.”

You said that two weeks ago.

But few people get into shaping because they feel like putting in ten-hour days. Most shapers inhabit a weird spectrum somewhere between crazy artist and mad inventor.

Yet all good things do come to those who wait. And there’s real value in having someone who will tell you, “There’s no way you can ride that,” rather than a minimum wage shop rat regurgitating media material.

“Oh, totally, dude. Best all around board on the market. Works from two feet to ten. Want to throw in a new travel bag and board sock? How about a couple sets of fins? I don’t make commission, but my boss’ll be on my ass if I don’t up-sell the shit out of you.”