Parker: “Rip Curl Pro Grabbed My Pussy!”

The noted Rory Parker's fantasy surfer picks for the Rip Curl Pro, Portugal.

Holy shit, Portugal’s almost here. You could say it snuck up on me and grabbed my pussy. Shocking. But thrilling. Maybe I’m into this shit. Got a new kink.

Twelve hours before the comp starts and I’m scratching to get my terrible fantasy surfer team together. No clue what I’m doing. Business as usual. I should be on it, went on Lipped, the fantasy surfing podcast, last Friday. They do them before events, should’ve clued me in. But it didn’t. Fits in with my generally oblivious nature. You should listen. I killed it.

My mad dash means my picks may be even worse than usual this event. If that’s possible. My coffee maker broke this morning because I’m a tightwad and bought the cheapest one Walmart had on the shelf. I need my morning java to get my brain going. Tried boiling some up on the stovetop. It’s terrible. But I’m choking it down nonetheless because I’m addicted to caffeine.

Tier A:

John John Florence: Double John’s on his way to the title. He’s dialed in the time and place for various approaches- Surf’s safe and makes heats, goes hard and pushes limits when he needs to.

Gabriel Medina: Gabi wants another title soooooo bad. He’ll do whatever it takes to win. I, honestly, won’t be surprised if Charlie goes full Tonya Harding on John John.

Regardless, he always finds scores, makes heats. Solid, smart pick that you just can’t ignore. You can gamble on a shocker, choose someone other than him and JJ, but that’s a recipe for lost points.

Tier B:

Italian Ferrari: Italo’s always a solid workhorse pick. He’s had a few shit results this year, but I believe in him. He’ll make round five, at least, add some points to my total.

Ace Buchan: If the surf sucks he’ll be out in round three. If Peniche delivers some solid tubes, and it could, he’s a top notch choice. Ace is a tube hound non-pariel.

Adriano de Souza: Post-title slump aside, ADS is always an intelligent addition. If the surf doesn’t cooperate he’ll be a nightmare draw. If it turns on he’ll still surf safe and smart and make heats.

Joel Parkinson: I really really really wanted to pick Keanu. I did! But I just don’t think he’ll be able to repeat France. It’s a dick thing to say, and I desperately hope I’m wrong, but he wouldn’t be the first guy to find one huge result and never back it up again. Parko gets the nod for no real reason at all, other than the fact that he’s demonstrated an ability to find consistent results over the course of his fifteen, or so, year long career.

Tier C:

Kai Otton: A solid quarter-final result at France gives me hope for Kai. He’s hanging around below the cutoff, this will probably be his last year on tour, and I’m hoping that’s a recipe for a big ol’ successful cup of I-don’t-give-a-fuck confidence.

Jeremy Flores: I’m an idiot who can’t learn a lesson. Flores either does very well, or very poorly. I’m hoping for the former. Expecting the latter. Maybe I’ll get lucky and make up some points from my abysmal early season string of failures.